Bridesmaid - to be or not to be?

jacquelyn_erika

Alright, for starters I was asked about 6 months ago to be in my friend's wedding as a bridesmaid. I will be one of two bridesmaids , along with a maid of honor. I've been friends with her for about 3 1/2 years. About a year after I met her (we became friends working together at a restaurant, we started on the same day), I had moved back to my hometown, which is roughly an hour and fifteen minutes from where she lives. She acted like I moved across the country. We never made any real effort to see each other, and the only time I had seen her since that move was for her 21st birthday which was 2 years ago. I saw her again about 3 months ago when I went and got fitted for my bridesmaids dress. So, in almost 3 years, we have seen each other 2 times and have kept in contact via text or facebook. Pretty sad...

So, when asked to be her bridesmaid, I was honored and of course I said yes. Looking back, I'm not quite sure why. Our friendship has dissolved and there isn't a whole lot to be said for it anymore. About 7 weeks ago, I moved to Florida. This was a last minute decision, but she knew it was something I had thought about from time to time. At this point, I live 18 hours from her and it will cost AT LEAST $600 to fly back for her wedding. Granted, that includes two tickets, but my boyfriend will also be attending the wedding if I go and his family is in the area, so we have considered visiting them while we are there. There are so many issues with the whole thing though - we will NOT have a vehicle when we get there. The wedding is quite a few hours from her hometown, and the reception isn't until the next day. Apart from transportation, we have no idea what kind of lodging accommodations there will be. To me, it's a pretty stressful situation when I think about it.

Personally, I want to back out. I ordered my dress and she picked it up from the shop about a month ago. I asked her nicely if she would ship it for me because I want to try it on leading up to the wedding and she took a week to text me back, then claimed she doesn't know how to ship anything. I even offered to pay for shipping! My boyfriend and I would love to see family if we go in July, but we just moved here a few months ago and decided that we wouldn't make a trip back home for quite awhile - especially until finances are in order.

I have no idea what to do or how to approach it. I'm going to feel like a horrible person if I back out, but under the circumstances I feel like it's the most logical decision now...

Any advice would be much appreciated! I had no idea where to post this... but I'm sure someone out there has been in a similar situation!

170isreal

Okay, no matter how you look at this situation its going to be uncomfortable. I think you should cancel. But I see that youare trying top rationalize backing out by listing all of the things that she did wrong. I understand and that is a natural response but inorder for you to feel right about this you have to own it. You have to be accountable for your decisions. 1) You said yes when you probably shouldnt have when she asked you to be a bridesmaid 2) You moved 3) you did not make arrangements for your dress yourself. So when you call her to inform her that you can not be in the wedding you will feel much better about it being your own responsibility, apoligizing and moving on. I hope this helps. sorry this situation is icky P-S - I'm in Orlando!

jacquelyn_erika

Okay, no matter how you look at this situation its going to be uncomfortable. I think you should cancel. But I see that youare trying top rationalize backing out by listing all of the things that she did wrong. I understand and that is a natural response but inorder for you to feel right about this you have to own it. You have to be accountable for your decisions. 1) You said yes when you probably shouldnt have when she asked you to be a bridesmaid 2) You moved 3) you did not make arrangements for your dress yourself. So when you call her to inform her that you can not be in the wedding you will feel much better about it being your own responsibility, apoligizing and moving on. I hope this helps. sorry this situation is icky P-S - I'm in Orlando!

I'm in Flagler Beach, about an hour outside of Orlando. Crazy! I'm going to be there Tuesday to go to the water park Thanks for responding. I have a lot to think about. I feel like a coward but your points are all valid. The worst part is, I don't want to tell her over the phone because we don't talk on the phone at all! So that will be even more awkward... haha.

PinkEarthMama

I agree with PP. It sucks.

Perhaps she asked you as a way to rekindle your friendship?

jacquelyn_erika

I agree with PP. It sucks.

Perhaps she asked you as a way to rekindle your friendship?

Definitely a possibility. Either way, I fear it's a little to late at this point

dollipop

Back out now. Don't do what one of my bridesmaids did, and back out a week before the wedding.
It's fair to say the friendship is really an acquaintanceship.

babyworms

Back out.

When i was planning my wedding, my Maid of Honour just was NOT interested in any of the planning. She couldn't even take a weekend off work with six months notice for my Hen's weekend. I KNEW she didn't want to be a part of it, i knew she had her own stuff going on, and I FINALLY (after months of trying to contact her) managed to get through and asked if she still wanted to be a bridesmaid, and she said yes, she didn't want to let me down.

Well i thought about it and thought about it, and realised that she was letting me down MORE by saying she'd be there but not being involved.

So after trying to get through to her for ANOTHER month, i sent her an email saying that As much as it sucks, i'd like her to be at the wedding as a guest. Because i knew that she had stuff going on and didn't want to add extra stress on top of it, and really she was letting me down MORE by being disinterested in everything to do with the wedding than by backing out as MOH.

She replied soon after saying she was really glad i'd sent the email because she'd been trying to work out how to say the same thing. I thought that meant we were fine, but i never heard from her again after that. Didn't even get an RSVP when i sent her the wedding invitation.

The difference here being that she was (i thought) my best friend at the time.

The similarity being that because i knew in advance that she was out i was able to return her dress and make other arrangements for Bridesmaids and stuff.

I know this is a long response, but i thought you might like a POV from a bride. (well, former bride!)

nwhitley

When is the wedding? Not sure if I overlooked the date.

jacquelyn_erika

When is the wedding? Not sure if I overlooked the date.

July 20th. Exactly 3 months away

nwhitley

Okay... 3 months. I think it's too late to cancel b/c even if she has someone else, another dress has to be ordered and she may already have programs made. I don't know. This seems like one of those situations where you kind of have to suck it up because you already made the commitment. But, I definitely understand how you feel.

katydid25

Personally, I'd back out. Just be honest with her about it. Unless you're absolutely dying to wear the dress, maybe ease the situation a little by letting her keep it for her new bridesmaid (to cut down on the stress of finding another dress on short notice.)

ETA: I'm not going against what the above poster said about the dress. She also makes really valid points. We were just responding at the same time

jacquelyn_erika

Personally, I'd back out. Just be honest with her about it. Unless you're absolutely dying to wear the dress, maybe ease the situation a little by letting her keep it for her new bridesmaid (to cut down on the stress of finding another dress on short notice.)

ETA: I'm not going against what the above poster said about the dress. She also makes really valid points. We were just responding at the same time

The dress was about $120. Chump change in comparison to what I will spend in airline tickets, transportation when I get there, and sleeping arrangements. I guarantee over $1,000 will be spent...not to mention the time off of work I will have to take. When I mentioned to her that I was shopping for plane tickets, she had no idea that I would have to spend over $200 per ticket to get there. I'm hoping if I do back out, that she'll understand. She can be pretty selfish though. She knows I'm in Florida and she texted me a week before her bridal shower asking if I would be there (after I told her 2 months ago that I couldn't make it). Then her fiancee's family is having a party two weeks before the wedding and she wants me to be there and doesn't understand that I can't take off two weeks of work, nor can I afford to AT ALL.

Sigh...

nwhitley

Personally, I'd back out. Just be honest with her about it. Unless you're absolutely dying to wear the dress, maybe ease the situation a little by letting her keep it for her new bridesmaid (to cut down on the stress of finding another dress on short notice.)

ETA: I'm not going against what the above poster said about the dress. She also makes really valid points. We were just responding at the same time

The dress was about $120. Chump change in comparison to what I will spend in airline tickets, transportation when I get there, and sleeping arrangements. I guarantee over $1,000 will be spent...not to mention the time off of work I will have to take. When I mentioned to her that I was shopping for plane tickets, she had no idea that I would have to spend over $200 per ticket to get there. I'm hoping if I do back out, that she'll understand. She can be pretty selfish though. She knows I'm in Florida and she texted me a week before her bridal shower asking if I would be there (after I told her 2 months ago that I couldn't make it). Then her fiancee's family is having a party two weeks before the wedding and she wants me to be there and doesn't understand that I can't take off two weeks of work, nor can I afford to AT ALL.

Sigh...

Yes, the more I think about it there are so many costs associated with being in a wedding and the fact that you have to travel there is a bit much. Since you two aren't even that close, she should understand. I would think at this point she would have another friend or friends that she would want to be in the wedding even more. Maybe call her and have a heart to heart and really explain the financial situation. As another post said, offer to let her have the dress. She'll either be upset or get over it. It's not like you two were really close, so there's not really a friendship at stake. I still feel like when you make a commitment to someone you are obligated to keep it unless there are extenuating circumstances. But, this qualifies in my opinion. Good luck!

Tangerine302

Can you return the dress for a refund? How long does it take for another one to come in if another girl was asked? Are the programs already made?

If programs aren't made, another dress can be ordered, etc. I would let he know that you really wanted to be in her wedding when she asked you. At the time you were living in the area and planned on attending and being part of it. Since you ended up moving, there were so many expenses with the move, starting a new job, etc. that after trying for some time to get finances in order to attend, you just don't think it is going to be possible. As much as you feel bad for not being able to be there, you feel the need to let her know now instead of time passing and have to let her know closer to the wedding.

If programs haven't been made, etc. I would think 3 months would be enough time for her to find a replacement if the dresses were able to be ordered again in plenty of time. I would just let her know that financially it isn't possible to come and you feel bad about it, but just want her to be able to find another friend who can.

That's a lot to spend for a weekend for someone you aren't too close to. I would say if you still lived there, to for sure attend the wedding, but since you are so far away now it's not the best choice financially.

Another option would be for you to just buy one ticket, attend the wedding and reception, stay with friends/family and leave when done.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes!

Jessicaruby

if you are unsure of why she even asked you then i would ask her. maybe her response can shed some light on the situation. i do find it odd that you hardly ever talk and she wants you to be apart of something so intimate....so she may have a very valid reason.

LatinaGordita

Okay... 3 months. I think it's too late to cancel b/c even if she has someone else, another dress has to be ordered and she may already have programs made. I don't know. This seems like one of those situations where you kind of have to suck it up because you already made the commitment. But, I definitely understand how you feel.

I agree with this. You made the commitment, and its only 3 months until the wedding. Can you imagine the stress she is going through? In hindsight you should have probably not agreed to do it in the first place but I think at this point you must go through it.

I understand your situation, however this wedding is really about her and her fiance, and she asked for the commitment and you agreed. I think you should do it. If finances are an issue--leave the BF at home fly for the weekend and ask her if you can crash on her couch. Might give you a chance to rekindle that friendship.

I live in Orlando. Welcome to Florida. Lived in Palm Coast for some time, Flagler Beach is nice.

allisonrozsa

Alright, for starters I was asked about 6 months ago to be in my friend's wedding as a bridesmaid. I will be one of two bridesmaids , along with a maid of honor. I've been friends with her for about 3 1/2 years. About a year after I met her (we became friends working together at a restaurant, we started on the same day), I had moved back to my hometown, which is roughly an hour and fifteen minutes from where she lives. She acted like I moved across the country. We never made any real effort to see each other, and the only time I had seen her since that move was for her 21st birthday which was 2 years ago. I saw her again about 3 months ago when I went and got fitted for my bridesmaids dress. So, in almost 3 years, we have seen each other 2 times and have kept in contact via text or facebook. Pretty sad...

So, when asked to be her bridesmaid, I was honored and of course I said yes. Looking back, I'm not quite sure why. Our friendship has dissolved and there isn't a whole lot to be said for it anymore. About 7 weeks ago, I moved to Florida. This was a last minute decision, but she knew it was something I had thought about from time to time. At this point, I live 18 hours from her and it will cost AT LEAST $600 to fly back for her wedding. Granted, that includes two tickets, but my boyfriend will also be attending the wedding if I go and his family is in the area, so we have considered visiting them while we are there. There are so many issues with the whole thing though - we will NOT have a vehicle when we get there. The wedding is quite a few hours from her hometown, and the reception isn't until the next day. Apart from transportation, we have no idea what kind of lodging accommodations there will be. To me, it's a pretty stressful situation when I think about it.

Personally, I want to back out. I ordered my dress and she picked it up from the shop about a month ago. I asked her nicely if she would ship it for me because I want to try it on leading up to the wedding and she took a week to text me back, then claimed she doesn't know how to ship anything. I even offered to pay for shipping! My boyfriend and I would love to see family if we go in July, but we just moved here a few months ago and decided that we wouldn't make a trip back home for quite awhile - especially until finances are in order.

I have no idea what to do or how to approach it. I'm going to feel like a horrible person if I back out, but under the circumstances I feel like it's the most logical decision now...

Any advice would be much appreciated! I had no idea where to post this... but I'm sure someone out there has been in a similar situation!

Even though you have not had much contact since you moved away from her town, it seems that she still considers you a close friend. You've been gone from that town for a while (if I read your post right) and it wasn't until 6 months ago that she asked you to be a bridesmaid. If you don't want to go, then don't, and be firm in your decision. But I think that she considers you a better friend than you know (& some of my best friends take FOREVER to respond to some messages). Good luck.

mals422

July 20th is only two months from now.

I think you made a commitment, you agreed to it before you moved, and you should honor it. If you can't afford two plane tickets, just buy one. Your boyfriend doesn't need to go. Tell the bride that money is tight, and ask if she has a friend or family member who would be willing to host you. It's easy to find ways to save money if you stop looking for reasons why you can't go, and start trying to find solutions to the things that are standing in your way.

(Edited for grammar)

jacquelyn_erika

July 20th is only two months from now.

I think you made a commitment, you agreed to it before you moved, and you should honor it. If you can't afford two plane tickets, just buy one. Your boyfriend doesn't need to go. Tell the bride that money is tight, and ask if she has a friend or family member who would be willing to host you. It's easy to find ways to save money if you stop looking for reasons why you can't go, and start trying to find solutions to the things that are standing in your way.

(Edited for grammar)

Ah, it is two months... wow. I'm a little behind.