ghost echos

Maraleen_M

I am an articulate, educated, friendly person. Always have been. Back in my high school days, I was a high honors student, vice president of the Student Body, captain of the basketball team, co-captain of the volleyball team, represented my school at meets in track and field, was in drama, active member of the Outdoors Club.

However, I was always a bit bigger than girls my age (looking at photos now, though, my thoughts are, damn! I looked GOOD...) as my frame sports a broad rib cage and I am quite muscular. Regardless, I was always bigger than girls my age, including my sister, who is three years older.

I remember my mother asking me on several occassions, "wouldn't you just be happier if you lost weight?" **Ouch**

Really??? How UNmotivating can one question be?? I would go away sad, hurt, feeling targeted that I wasn't Twiggy, a size 8 like her and my sister, and I would go on whatever fad diet that I could, skipping meals and exercising for hours.
It never worked.

My body shape is what my body shape is. I cannot change my bone structure. I cannot change the way my muscle mass develops. My body is what my body is. We all start with the basics, and work with what birth gave us. Have I made poor choices in the past? Absolutely. Have I done everything I could to avoid putting weight on. Nope, I haven't. Do I accept that? 110%

I accepted a long time ago, when I became an adult, that my mother, who is 5'6 and (approximately) 120lbs, will never understand or empathize with this plight of weight. To her, it's black and white. No gray area. I suppose on some level, her question about "my" happiness was her way of helping - but it sure as hell didn't. Words can never be swallowed back by those who utter them; they sit there like a cancer in the mind of the one they were directed to. They eat away at you, gnawing at you. That one sentence still holds space in my head and has aided in undermining my confidence at times.

How do you let go of the hurtful things that have been directed at you regarding your weight? How do you send off the steam truck of hurts and quit letting them rent space in your head?

....just pondering...

Nailrep

I wish I knew the answer to this question. I have memories of my mom saying similar things. Even though she's been gone since 1997, the words and disapproving looks still linger in my memory. "If only she wasn't so fat"..." Oh no, that's not for you. It's for your brother. You don't need that." Very hurtful. Probably the worst thing was that my dad always commented about how pretty all my friends were. NEVER to this day has he ever told me I'm pretty. I never measured up.

I probably weighed 125 at 5' 2".

Sorry. Didn't mean to make it about me at all. I just know exactly where you are coming from. Hugs.

imsomony

My reaction to hurt is to get angry, and I use that anger to fuel my workouts. For realz. Each step I run, each weight I lift, each time I get above my prior max-speed on the elliptical, serves as a big "F YOU" to their insensitive comments. By the end of the workout I'm not mad anymore (I'm too tired for it!), and all the endorphins have me feeling like I don't care what anyone else says or thinks, I'm AWESOME. Do that enough, and I can't even get worked up over the original meanness anymore.

I used to be an emotional eater though, all that hurt channeled into food (and various other substances). That didn't work out so well. So anger-management-through-exercise it is!

dad106

My reaction to that, was to do something about it. My father always told me "OMG your so fat Diane" Or"why do you just apply it directly to your hips" when I would eat something fatting or not so healthy.(Let me tell you, my father is no skinny minnie.. more like bordering on porker.. so he really has no room to talk.. but anyway..)

This past year, I lost 30 pounds and 6 sizes.. now my father is saying things along the line of, you really don't have to get much smaller, etc etc. He's also always telling me how good I look.. and I just tell him to f-off. I put up with his bull long enough.. and I refuse to put up with it anymore.