feeling really down and not getting support

Spanaval

I understand your angst. But, you can only change the things that are in your control. In your shoes, here are the things I would do.

1. Take healthy snacks in to work with you. Like fruits, nuts, nut butter, raw veggies, etc. Munch on them during the day, so that you are fueling the body using healthy foods. That way, you're less likely to overindulge when you get home.

2. There is nothing wrong with the food at home. Food is not your enemy. Practice sensible eating and portion control. If she cooks rice, beans and chicken, eat rice, beans and chicken. Go easy on what you feel is unhealthy, load up on what you feel is healthy. It doesn't take *that* much effort to pull the skin off the chicken, so stop making excuses.

3. Plan activities that include your child AND your spouse. Go on walks and hikes. Pack healthy and nutritious picnics, go for a bike ride, go swimming, do something to get out and about and into nature, away from TV and the refrigerator.

4. Prepare ahead. On your days off, the days when you do have some time, prepare for the upcoming days. For instance, you can take a batch of chicken, get rid of the skin/fat (if you so choose), marinate, portion, and freeze. Then all you have to do is remember to take some out the night before you want to eat, let it defrost, and let your spouse know that you've done all the work, and all she has to do is bake/broil/grill it (on your busy/late work days). Do research on where you want to take your family for an active outing the upcoming weekend. Plan what you'd pack when you go on your next picnic.

5. Find activities your wife likes, and do them. Like if she likes to dance, get a baby sitter

You can do it!

asteelman4

Does she have depression? after i had my son i went into a really deep depression and did not want to do anything to help me or my son! Sad but this does happen , I gained alot of weight while doing so. I finally went and seen a doctor which he put me on depression meds called zoloft. I am quickly coming out of it and setting towards a new and healthy me for my son! Maybe this might be an issue with her but she does not want to admit it or truly does not know whats wrong with herself.. Hope this helps in some way! One day things will get better , just keep pushing yourself and maybe one day she will realize what you have been talking about this whole time!

jreed1920

Sorry you are struggling right now, I have been there too. I recently started reading the Beck Diet Solution, How to think like a thin person and it has really changed my outlook on my weight loss journey. It isn't a diet, it is a step by step guide to overcoming the mental side of losing weight and strategies for preventing self-sabotage and dealing with those days when we feel we aren't supported or not making progress. I HIGHLY recommend it for anybody that faces these same struggles.

bevsdietfor2011

I too am so sorry to hear about this situation. I am overweight, middle aged, have a serious family history of health problems and have needed to lose weight for a long time. I have had 3 back surgeries and have recently been told that I have pre-diabetes, minor heart problem and need to lose the weight. I didn't even try for a long time thinking that I could not do it. I have in the last 3-4 months really hit bottom and started seriously watching what I eat and try to exercise.

I know how hard it is to be in a one sided situation like yours. I have a husband who is also very very busy and depends on me for meals and I know he doesn't like a lot of healthy foods but have been trying to incorporate them in our meals and it is a process. I know it can be done and it just may take awhile to get through to her.

May I ask (i am not judging just curious) why it is that you have to do the housework? Is she employed or not able to do it? I don't think that it should all be on you when you are doing everything else. Your daughter is a beautiful little girl and I know she loves having her daddy there for her. I admire you so much for all you are doing and for working at this situation the best you know how. You just have to do what is right for you and hopefully she will follow. I have this same situation with my daughter who lives with us and she is trying to lose weight and I know she is trying but she sees me losing and then feels bad cause I am and she isn't but each person HAS to be ready and do it for themselves.

I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers and PLEASE feel free to add me as a friend if you would like to. I agree with everyone elses ideas of packing good snacks, preparing food ahead of time etc and I know it will be hard but it does need to be done and maybe you could even have your daughter help you in the process some so she can see that eating healthy is a good thing too.

Hugs to you and good luck!!!

Bev

THayesTeamNoXQS

If your just feeling like that hump is a hill or a mountain dont feel defeated there is a hand at the top that will pull you to the other side...your not in this alone!!! When you get to the top of that hill scream "I WIN"!!! put this in yah ear today and know that it can be done!! No X-Q-S Marvin Sapp "I Win"~~~> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-3OrA7OUQo

Becoming_A_Butterfly

Everything I was going to suggest has already been said. I just wanted to offer my support to you. When I get overwhelmed with a crazy schedule and just too much to process, I choose my top ten or so, focus on those, and recognize that I am not a robot and can't keep a million things running at the same time without losing control.

So you may not be able to achieve perfection, or daily workouts, or "perfect" meals. Do the best you can with what is in front of you, learn from it to do better tomorrow, and give yourself credit for what you are doing right.

beachdiva2010

Hey there! I agree with everything said above, so I won't repeat, however I want to take a different approach. I may or may not get reamed out for this, but here goes.

You've taken the kind approach and expressed your wishes to become a healthier you. Now I think it's time for some tough love. Your wife may want to ignore your wishes, but your wife is also creating HORRIBLE eating habits for your child. That is inexcusable! This may be the way to try and get through to her. If she doesn't care enough about her own health ( I know this, my mother ate herself into diabetes), but ask her how much she loves her child?? Does she love her enough to make small changes to create healthier choices that your child has a chance at a healthier future?? Have you ever thought about seeing a marriage counselor? You may need a third party to help??

BTW, Dunkin Doughnut also makes a healthy breakfast wrap/sandwich. You can always make healthier choices.

Susabelle64

Maybe try baby steps........

This is actually the story of my childhood......(I'm 47 now)

My father has been a very active man his entire life, my mother, well not so much. My dad wasnt as gentle as you about food choices either. But in his defense, the driving force has been my dad's desire to keep my mom with him for as long as humanly possible. They have been married for 55 years this fall, and he absolutely adores my mother But while my dad is still hiking, biking, projects around the house and outdoor activities at 78, my mother leans toward more domestic, cooking, cleaning, sewing and crafts. Now as far as growing up in this environment I learned a LOT, not only do I know how to hike, swim, ski and sail, I can do needlepoint, cook and sew etc... But back to diet and healthy choices......

My mother has crippling arthritis now, doesnt move well and looks at least 15 years older than my father who looks closer to 60 than 80. My mother cooks much healthier now, but we were grown before that really changed. My dad was critical of my mothers weight, he pushed for healthy choices which was hard for my mother, as a kid growing up I dont recall my mother ever doing anything more strenuous than planting a few flowers. she didnt hike with us, or climb or swim or any of the multitude of things we did with our father. I wish she had because she would be so much better for it now.

Now one thing I did learn about what doesnt work in this situation is badgering. I think if my father had only put his foot down about a few things instead of radical changes it would have been different. Eliminating soda.......perhaps first step.........let that stand for a few months.........no longer frying foods....using only chicken breasts and lean cuts instead of whole chicken.........switching to brown rice..........one step at a time. Secondly for you, instead of meals prepared by your wife all the time, why dont you try to put together several mini meals to sustain you through out the day. This will help you not be so tired and hungry when you get home to just eat whatever is put in front of you. That doesnt mean you cant eat what she makes, but easier to eat only half of it.

Your wife is not going to change until she wants to, but I think she was doing too much too fast and burning out on it. Walks together in the evening....swimming with the kids.....small things daily arent as scary as I have to "workout" an hour daily.

I hope you guys find a balance because it is obvious you are a very caring husband and father....Good luck!

ETA: One thing that did help is that my mother made a salad at EVERY meal.........my father's request. That also makes it much easier to eat that first and eat less of the other stuff.......

Gay11nell

Well one of the things I do, is limited the portions that I eat. I don't cook or grocery shop-my hubby does it. And He very seldom makes totally good food choices. So I limited the portions, just eat enough to get me through the night and start over again the next morning. Or when its time to eat and its not what you want, go ahead and start on tomorrow meals, control what you can

Don't forget you are pretty active: sports with your students, yardwork, all those are great workouts. On Sundays suggest lunch at the park sometimes-a good family game of flag football or kickball, with your family and hers. Do y'all go eat with both families every Sunday? You may have to take one Sunday for just you and your family!

Hopefully she will get the picture. My Hubby is learning not to do certain things just base on the fact we wil not eat them. It takes a while for them to get the picture, but they do!

Keep posting/logging - We are here for you - Don't give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tanig32

I think that you should just talk to your wife about your feelings , let her know that you are talking to her out of love and you want to lose the weight together so that you all can be healthy and lead by example for your daughter she needs you both in her life. Explain to your wife that change is not easy, but if you work together and start making little changes then you both will be on the path to becoming healthier. I didn't believe that my weight was affecting me either until i went to the dr and my bp was in the 150/90 that day i made a change and at my last appt new bp was 110/60. Its not easy and you might have setbacks along the way but the frame of mind you have to be in is that tomorrow is another day and you are going to do better tomorrow. Maybe your wife is just afraid she might have all of these emotions that she just doesn't know how to explain. Also see if she will join myfitnesspal, there is so much support and encouragement from others, and people are really for your success.

blairh10

First- Your daughter is amazing! Glad to here you are taking good care and setting an example for that little cutie.
Second- What is said is said. I have said things I wish I could take back but, I have to own it and then do something about it. My hubby is guilty of the same, saying things we don't really mean. Doesn't happen often so when it does it is pretty painful. Saying "I'm sorry" means a lot for each of us to hear.
I tend to eat emotionally and a fight is a great excuse to eat comfort foods for me. I told my husband I felt like I ate more when I was emotional and so he was awesome and took over the food lists and the scheduled meals for both of us. He eats a lot more than I do and sneaks in fast food all the time (because he is one of those lucky people who eat whatever and are perfect) but, if he sees me reaching for something bad he will silently take it away and MAKE me something acceptable, never saying a word or making me feel bad no matter how many time I say "But I really wanted that!". He doesn't just say "tisk tisk" he takes action and that has made it soooo much easier for me because I was making decisions emotionally and not practially.
After a while of healthy eating I don't crave junk foods so much anymore. Maybe she is just needing more hand-holding through this without making her feel like you are giving her tip, after advice, after suggestion (not saying you do that).

clover5

Maybe if you helped with the grocery shopping you could help make wiser choices for old recipes and both be healthier in the long run.

Second this idea. Shopping can be a family affair. Be sure you pick up lots of fresh fruit, and lean cuts. Read labels. Try new foods. Don't be afraid of the frozed section. Not all frozen meals are created equally. Here is a link to a WebMD article of healthy frozen meals. Add an apple and a glass of skim milk and you will have a decent meal even if you're tired.
http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/features/best-frozen-dinners Also, before you go shopping, maybe you can look at some recipe websites together and make dinner plans for the next week, even if only for a couple of nights. For your lunches, just tell her "no thanks honey, I want to pack it myself."

This is really more about you than about her. If she were making healthy meals and still not losing the 35 pounds, you would not feel so angry and disappointed. You want healthy meals to meet your goals, and for your daughter. Nothing wrong with that. But she isn't on board. She likes her food choices, and doesn't want to change.

EmmasMomma2008

I am sorry you are going through a rough patch. Just know you will get through it. What concerns me though with your wife's attitude is your daughter's future health. I have a young daughter at home and I can tell you that she plays the biggest part in my latest journey to become (and remain) healthy. I just don't want her forming the same bad habits that I had. I don't want her reaching the point where I am at where she now needs to struggle with losing weight.
While you can't force your wife to make that lifestyle change, maybe if you try sitting down with her at least one more time (a time when you are both calm) and discuss your concerns about her health and how you feel it may impact your daughters health since she's not only learning from you, but from her as well. Ask her if she'd be willing to make the effort - not for her - but for her daughter. And promise her you'll be there with her through the journey, as you know everyone has bad days and occasionally falls off the wagon.
My thoughts are with you and here's hoping all works out for the best. Take care.

Nwilliams112

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I was the same way toward my spouse he wanted to work out, I didn't. I would drag him down sometimes. I would go through dieting phases and lose hope. It was when I decided I wanted to lose the weight did things really change. Now I am the one getting him out of bed to workout. However, that being said. It also sounds like that there is some other underlying issues with your wife. I would suggest talking to a counselor with her. It does not have to be a professional one, a pastor could help too. I know that is one thing that truly help me as I suffered from severe depression. I do hope that you can continue on your path to your goals as hard as it may seem right now.

kayteesb

Great words of encouragement. I needed this too. We all do at some point. It's hard to remain disciplined when everyone is not onboard. I'm in that boat. When I met my boyfriend I was:
Eating healthy
In running class Tuesday & Thursday
Working with a trainer Monday & Wednesday
Played softball every Thursday evening after running

I started dating him and my schedule started to change. I no longer got up early, no longer had the same discipline and motivation. I was busy spending time with him. Now almost 2 years later, my weight gain is an issue. I try to explain to him how and why things changed and he didn't see the connection. Bull!! He refuses to accept it. I have to accept THAT. So I told him I would be going back to my schedule because at the end of the day my health is what is most important. Hopefully he will follow suit, lose the much needed 50lbs he ignores, and we will both be on the road to wellness.
It's tough when he brings me onion rings and ice cream or makes a dinner filled with stuff I don't want to eat and I, hungry as he'll. So I understand this young man wholeheartedly.
Again, this is a great post. Reality is so up in our faces that we need this encouragement regularly to stay afloat.

CookieCrumble

Wow... some lovely responses here. :flowerforyou:

I'm trying to think what the obstacles are that are frightening your wife and stopping her from working with you on this? I think that her fear of change is completely crippling her from addressing the problem. That, coupled with the fact that she might consider it an indication of your dissatisfaction with her and all the implied criticism that goes with it. I think that the first person in a couple, to take charge of themselves does tend to have the 'upper hand' in that they were first and therefore 'ahead' of the person left behind.

Truthfully, I don't think this is something that you can change yourself but you can support your wife whilst she makes the realisation for herself and give her the constant reassurance that she's going to need. You're absolutely right, your daughter's eating habits could go either way and one parent's choice to eat healthfully is not necessarily enough to tip the balance the right way. Children can pick up the most dreadful habits from very little interaction with an adverse one. I think that some very tough talking is needed where your daughter is concerned - but you must NOT be the person to do it... you need a health professional to be the 'bad guy' and really lay it on the line about your daughter's health being put at risk. If you could get an appointment with your family doctor and discuss the problem with them, I'm sure they would be very keen to help you and perhaps guide you on preparing the groundwork - and how to keep going when it gets very tough. You can then talk through this with your wife and tell her of the concern that you have, so many obese children, dying before their parents - it's a very sad fact. Even if they don't die, they can live a hampered life with mobility affected and discrimination from a wider public.

For now though, take control of what you're putting in your body. As previously suggested, half portions may be a very gentle and non-confrontational tactic you can use. I tend to cook batches of food like chilli/rice, soups, stews, casseroles and freeze them into portions. You can calorie count those by portion and just take one out of the freezer when you're leaving in the morning. You could get your daughter to help you with preparing and cooking these on the premise of 'helping mum', 'giving mum a break from cooking', any of those positive messages, none of which can hurt your wife's feelings.

Boiled eggs are great, packaged ham (low fat), turkey and chicken breasts cooked, with raw veggies and fruits. The possibilities are endless. There are so many ways to eat healthily without giving up the things you love but it's all about balance. That's something I've only just learned since coming here; I thought it was all or nothing and so set myself up to fail again and again. Never will I do that again in future.

Encourage your wife in her Zumba class and tell her she looks beautiful when she comes back - all glowing and bright-eyed. Say nothing negative when she's long-time sitting, just encourage endlessly when she isn't. Take your daughter out to do activities with you and perhaps don't dress them up as 'exercise'; just family fun. A long walk can be a nature ramble with a (healthy) picnic halfway. Remind your wife how much you love her and want her with you when you do things as a family, and let her maintain her dignity in the (poor) choices she's making at the moment - there may come a time very soon when she comes around to the family way of healthy lifestyle.

I know that you 'lashed out' with your comment and it was totally out of order but completely understandable. Those comments won't work, not really, they have the same 'shock value' as warnings on cigarette cartons. What will work eventually, is the drip-drip message of positivity, non-judgemental actions and unwaivering support of family, no matter what.

I hope so much for you that the transition will be easy but I know that it won't. Resistance is the last bastion of fear... that will take time, knowledge, support and reassurance - rinse and repeat as many times as necessary, but in the meantime, carry on in the way you're doing and never give up. You have so much support here.

jdsmom0104

i skimmed over your post & got the gist of it...
i feel for you & understand... to a certain extent. my husband has been supportive of my healthier lifestyle, but would sometimes kinda sneer @ it.. which is fine... he likes 'REAL FOOD'... not worried @ it.... but me & the kids eat healthier & he'll eat his mcds or w/e & we know eachother that way. (1 of ) your problems are time... is there 1 day a week you can plan your meals ahead.. maybe even cook/freeze something? your wife may appreciate you taking the burden off of her, but it seems like she's sabotaging you.. it could be from fear or insecurity. you both HAVE to change your lifestyles in order to live healthier since you both have health issues... use that as your force & go fwd

GOOD LUCK

Jesea

I agree with what the above posters suggested, there's some great advice there. One more thing, though, is to try to make things easier for you during the crazy busy warmer months when there's so much to do. Perhaps you could do paper plates once in a while so there aren't so many dishes to take care of. The produce dept in my grocery store always has pre-cut veggies and fruits and salads, as well as cooked and peeled hard boiled eggs. They are a little more expensive, but if you're really pressed for time might be worthwhile.

When I lived at home, my stepdad always made a production out of meals. Lots of choices, not always healthy, and put so much love into them that it was hard to say no. So I just limited my portions, and made sure I had lots of healthy snacks so I wouldn't feel left out (the rest of the family could eat anything).

Hang in there, try not to put so much pressure on yourself. The weedwacking can wait, having a healthy life with your family won't.

Bagman12002

Your wife wont change till she wants to change or is forced to change. You have a busy schedule and no time to relax and that will cause Hi bloop pressure take time to relax and that will lower the stress in your life. It also sounds like you dont take time to eat enough thru the day thats why you may be so hungry at the end of the day. You can eat what your wife cooks for you just eat less heck take the leftovers for lunch, I eat a normal diet I just eat smaller portions. once your wife see's you eating smaller portins she will get the hint and stop makeing so much it will take time but it will happen. Good luck.

mrnice1058

OK guys i was in a bit of a depression. the day i put this post up i literally cried pretty much all day. that night i went to my wife and we had a very big heart to heart discussion about a lot of things. one of them was how important i am taking my health! She understood and is now being very aware of my health with me. I didnt say anything to her about her health because like everyone stated its her choice to join me in this battle. In the past 2 days we have taken the time to do a little more together and we are now setting up times as to when we are going to stop doing house work and other things so that way we can spend time with our daughter and to spend time with each other. i told her i feel that if we did this with each other it will help me with my health because i can be involved instead of just working on the house!. So we shall see what happens in the next few weeks. I want to thank everyone who posted in this thread. I took a lot of things said here and implied them in our talk. and i will stick to my guns and not let htis effect me as much! i will keep going strong and working hard at it. thanks again everyone!

CookieCrumble

I'm so glad that you posted back, MrNice, I've been wondering how you were getting on. I think you have taken some great steps there to get your wife involved in your fitness, regardless of how she feels about her own, and hopefully she'll start choosing to follow your lead on a few things herself. You sound a very nice family unit and your daughter is going to be a very grateful beneficiary of that. Hope you have a lovely weekend all of you. :flowerforyou: