What I has changed the most after my 1 month back on MFP

xoalyssaox

This is like my billionth time on MFP, but this time I feel completely different this time and the best part, I only changed ONE thing.

My attitude.

I have shared on MFP before that my whole life, I have been bullied. I was bullied in elementary & middle school for my weight, and then from my abusive ex husband. He would call me fat and ugly every single day. He would tell me if I ever left him no man would ever want me.

You see, before I met him and pretty much my whole life, I hated myself. I was anorexic when I met my ex husband. I was not fat, at all. But when I got pregnant, and after I had my son I was 15 pounds heavier then when I met him, so apparently that made me fat. Well after I left him I gained another 40 pounds. I don't know why, I just did.

My weight has yo-yo'd my whole life, and every time I tried "dieting" I focused on "losing, losing, losing". But in order to lose, I thought I had to starve myself. I became a pyscho mean every time, and I ALWAYS failed because not only did I deprive myself, I also still hated myself. I kept thinking "OMG I can't believe you let yourself get this fat". I would look in the mirror and look at all my flaws, and this negativity would cause me to fail.

I have no idea what changed this time, but I am really starting to love myself. Maybe it's cause I have a great man, or maybe I am just getting older and wiser but this time I decided that I am not going to focus on how much I hate myself, but start finding things I love. I decided to try new foods, and to focus on being healthy.

I AM NOT GOING TO LIE AND SAY I DO NOT STRUGGLE WITH MY SELF ESTEEM AND THE SCALE, but it's getting so much better. I literally spend at least 10 minutes in the mirror each day naked and think to myself how good I look. I really think thats helping my self esteem. I tell myself I am beautiful, because you know what, I am!. I NEVER in my life thought that I would think that about myself, ESPECIALLY being 55 pounds away from my goal weight, but I do. I realized that I don't have to be a size 0 to be beautiful. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Most importantly, I am beautiful on the inside and for the first time in my life - regardless of my weight- I am beginning to find confidence, and you know what? Confidence is hot!

sheenabeenabobeena

good for you! what a great thing to learn, we are more than a number on a scale. I wish you continued sucess on your journey.

DoozerDMB

It's amazing how much we allow others to determine our self worth isn't it? So glad that your atitudee has changed and that you are doing this for you! Wishing you much success on this journey!

Billywoo

I think your doing great Alyssa!! Its nice to see you giving yourself a pat on the back. You deserve it! And go ahead and give yourself the other credit that you deserve.... Your not starting to see this at 55 lbs away from your goal, Your starting to see this at 46 lbs and counting, away from your goal!! Keep up the good work friend!!

toysbigkid

I'm so happy for you and that's an amazing wake up!!!!!!!!!!! Wishing you all the best on this journey of self worth!!!!!

xoalyssaox

Yeah and the best part is my wedding goal is only 19 pounds away. I am hoping to pass that with flying colors..

I think your doing great Alyssa!! Its nice to see you giving yourself a pat on the back. You deserve it! And go ahead and give yourself the other credit that you deserve.... Your not starting to see this at 55 lbs away from your goal, Your starting to see this at 46 lbs and counting, away from your goal!! Keep up the good work friend!!

xoalyssaox

Your right is is amazing. Most ppl who suffer from ed"s never fully recover, but I have been anorexia/bulimia free for 5 years :-)

I'm so happy for you and that's an amazing wake up!!!!!!!!!!! Wishing you all the best on this journey of self worth!!!!!

Marie047

What an inspiration you are.

Keep up the great work, and you`ll hit your wedding target in no time.

Slice1

Thanks for sharing. I'm happy to hear that you have a great man and your life has turned around.