I'm so angry at myself!

Tuzzies

I normally don't post in online message boards, but I don't know where else to turn because I feel that nobody in my life understands the place I am in. I'm reaching out to everyone in here in the hopes that someone can help me move on...

I had never been heavy in my entire life until I got pregnant with my son and had an extremely difficult pregnancy and gained 100+lbs. I dropped that weight within two years and was so happy to have it gone. About three years ago the doctors put me on the Depo shot in order to "fix" some stomach issues that I was having, it didn't fix the issues, but I did gain 70lbs in seven months. I had never had to work so hard to lose weight in my life...I busted my butt every day and lost approximately 30lbs of that 70lbs. Then of course my college semesters came and went and I got stressed and have now eaten myself back up 40lbs...so I'm heavier than when I worked my butt off to lose the 30lbs!

I have now been dieting and exercising again, but it has been a bigger struggle than it usually is for me because I'm just feeling such an emotion of anger and disappointment in myself...and surprise surprise, I'm an emotional eater. I am so mad at myself that took advantage of how easy it was the lose the 100+lbs after my son was born. I am so mad at myself that I lost 30lbs and then allowed myself to gain all that back plus some just by being in denial or not caring enough...Even though I've been dieting and exercising and it has been successful so far, I am having the hardest time being proud of myself and saying, "YAY! I lost five lbs!!!!" because I still weight 210...how can I be proud to weigh 210?

I just don't know how to get passed this anger, disappointment, and hatred that I feel for myself and just get into the moment of looking at the scale and realizing that I'm dropping weight and that's GOOD.

I really appreciate any words of encouragement and help...

bsinno

its impossible to go from 210 to 150 overnight, so you SHOULD celebrate all the little victories because they are all part of the ultimate goal. beating yourself up about "how" you got to this point does absolutely nothing to help you, so why dwell on it? accept it and move forward towards a YOU that you can be proud of!!

you can be whoever you want to be, but it will take time. set small goals for yourself and try to ignore the finish line!!

mayerel

Definitely celebrate the little victories along the way!!! If we didn't we'd all fail at this!

I'm an emotional eater too, but I'm trying to become an emotional work-out-er...ok, that's not really a word, but you get my point! Whenever I start to get really stressed or something, I pick up an extra class at the gym, or I allow myself to eat something small and track it!! I enjoy ice cream, it makes me happy, so I eat it! But I track the calories and am accountable for it.

You can do this! Just remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint!

chevvy53

OH YOU LOVE .... every single one of us is battling and having those feelings that why we on here... Im struggling at the mo with my mind set .....if you have a smart phone I have two apps one is " My dietcoach tips has loads of little quotes and words of encouragement for all different types of battles we face eg: lack of motivation . emotional eating . craving etc and I also have "the mindfullness bell" its a lovely toned bell that you can set to go off at different intervals ... when it does I stop what I am doing take a deep breathe in and out think yey ive got through that last hour !!! stay strong xx

Tuzzies

Thank you ladies...I know that I can't lose the weight over night and sometimes that is encouraging, but sometimes it makes it worse to think about how long this is going to take! I have also tried to become an emotional work-out-er, that should be a new word. I have a huge problem with anxiety and usually I just eat and eat and eat during my panic attacks, which obviously doesn't help. Lately, I've been getting anxious and hop onto my elliptical and not only does it save me calories, but I actually feel it helping to RELIEVE the anxiety, unlike with eating where I just have to eat nonstop to feel any better.

mrsgoodwine

Just remember that the time is going to pass anyway. You can pass the time being healthy or you can pass the time beating yourself up. You have done it before and you can do it again. Try to love yourself through the process. Be proud of everything that you do to get healthy. Look in the mirror and say something positive to yourself every morning. This is what I do and it really does help.

abeachlady

Thank you ladies...I know that I can't lose the weight over night and sometimes that is encouraging, but sometimes it makes it worse to think about how long this is going to take! I have also tried to become an emotional work-out-er, that should be a new word. I have a huge problem with anxiety and usually I just eat and eat and eat during my panic attacks, which obviously doesn't help. Lately, I've been getting anxious and hop onto my elliptical and not only does it save me calories, but I actually feel it helping to RELIEVE the anxiety, unlike with eating where I just have to eat nonstop to feel any better.

You should not even think about how long this is going to take, because it should take a lifetime. It isn't a diet. It's a lifestyle change.

Lampy00512

Just remember that the time is going to pass anyway. You can pass the time being healthy or you can pass the time beating yourself up. You have done it before and you can do it again. Try to love yourself through the process. Be proud of everything that you do to get healthy. Look in the mirror and say something positive to yourself every morning. This is what I do and it really does help.

^^^ This.

wantmytruk

Tuzzies,

I have been in your shoes!! I was on the Depo shot also and gained a lot of weight. I am an emotional and boredom eater. My highest weight was 317 and that was a few years ago. I felt so angry because I let that happen to myself and I really did not see it happening. In 2010, I got down to 234 and I was so excited because I had not been that weight since like 2000. I ended a relationship and began eating as a coping mechanism and shot up to 267. I knew that I had lost the weight doing what I should be doing and I was furious that I let it happen, AGAIN! I am now back to 232 and I feel like I should have just done it all along instead of wasting the last 2 years of my life going back and forth.

I have become a work-out-er now. I find that when I want to eat a lot or I am feeling emotional, a nice walk helps me. I am getting fresh air, alone time, and the chance to talk to myself with no one to interrupt me. I can cry, laugh, sing, or just look like a crazy person talking to myself. I feel happier and healthy. I know that we can all feel this way too, if we support each other. I know you can do it and I would love to be your friend to see your journey.

znm100

its a cliche, but just take it one day at a time. That's all you can do. Live healthy today, and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. I suffer from anxiety as well, and while I am now on medication which has helped tremendously, I found that weight was the source of most of my anxiety (all of the things that I could die from because I am so fat). So my plan is to lose weight, and get off the medication, and then I will have little to be anxious about!

shimewazaMan

Hey hun. I know it' hard not to do, but try not to beat yourself up. It doesn't fix anything. If anything, it generates negative emotion and energy that makes things even harder. Try to look more at the journey than the end destination. Take pride in and motivation from doing better today than you did yesterday. Make weekly goals and focus on working toward those. I know that if I think about my ideal weight (which is still 40 pounds away) I tend to get discouraged. But, if I look at my goal for the week (to break into the 230's), that is much more achievable - hard enough that I can take pride in it when I achieve it, but definately reachable.

Sorry if I'm rambling! I hope this helps somewhat!

SwtMelissa86

Please do not be discouraged... this is hard work. All I can say is i have been there.... just eat within your calories and EXERCISE... you can do this.

briabner

You have to take it day by day. You also need to feel accomplished at the little things. Lose 1 pound thats still an accomplishment. You should be commended just by the fact that you are trying again to loose the weight.

Also, if you are looking for support and motivation feel free to add me as a friend

1oriana

Know that you didn't get to the weight you are in a day so it won't take a day to lose the weight but everyday you are making moves in the right direction so you should be proud of that. There are so many people who are saying, " I will start tomorrow, or I will start on Monday" but somehow they either find another excuse to put it off or they never make it. Because you are getting up and doing something about it that is reason enough for you to celebrate. Slowly but surely you will see the numbers you want to see but right now you need to see that you are moving forward and making progress and that is a GREAT REASON to be proud of yourself. I also like to listen to music to motivate me and I think this one fits your situation. It's called "Proud" by Richard Niles. I think you will like it. Good luck.

Jbarbo01

I know exactly what youre going through. I too am an emotional eater, and have been since I was about 12. Yoyo dieting has been the norm for me for a long time. Ill readily admit what Im about to say is easier said than done, but first I want you to know what you're feeling is normal. Its okay to be upset and disappointed that you have to work hard AGAIN to get weight off that you already had gotten off. However, whats not normal is blaming yourself for all of this. You didnt gain 100 lbs cramming donuts in your face because you didnt care about your health or well being, you were pregnant! You had a depo shot which also didnt help things. You do not deserve sole blame here, and I find that is what makes us feel so angry at ourselves. You have to spread the blame around to where its due. You can be angry at yourself, but also be understanding that this isnt all your fault. Its a lot of factors that lead up to this so try to understand its okay to feel angry and frustrated but don't direct it all at yourself. Direct it at the situation, this is not as much about your character as it seems.

I used to get so pissed when people told me to workout instead of eat when I was upset, but I finally let my stubborness go and it works. It will change your brain chemistry just like food will if you work out hard enough to get the endorphins working. Yoga is also great for anxiety. Itll take some getting used to though and youll slide back and then move forward but youll be able to get a handle on it if you believe in yourself and the process.

I know im rambling a bit here, but the point is give yourself a break even though this situation sucks Im sure you are still beautiful and just remember you are just working towards being a better you, the person you are right now is still great as well. If you think like that, the sense of urgency drops away. Youll get there when you get there because you're great right now and soon youll even be a healthier version of you. The weeks will pass and youll get to where you want to go. What also helps it setting rewards for every 5 to 10 lbs, like getting your nails or hair done in a special way or going to the spa.

Good luck with your efforts!

spoonful

There's never a good reason to hate yourself or be down on yourself at all. Life happens and every now and then it will serve up a pitch that you can't handle. It's when you have a problem that you should care for yourself the most. You're still the same wonderful girl who had a baby. Just do it step by step. Don't look at the mountain you have to climb because that will exhaust you... just keep your eyes on the path and you'll be there before you know it.

You're in the right place anyway. You couldn't find a kinder and more supportive bunch of people anywhere else on the planet.

mtaylor33557

I've been there too. I had no issue with weight until my son, and then I found myself with a 2 year old weighing the same thing as the day I went in to deliver!

It was hard to celebrate the little victories at first, like .. "yeah, I lost 2 lbs, but I still weight 200 lbs" but I pushed on and thought.. well, I guess that's 2 lbs closer.. and they started to add up over the weeks.. now I'm at 24 lbs and while I still have a ways to go, I can see the difference in how I look and how I feel!


Just keep at it, and don't get depressed.. you can do it!!

alexlove31

Hi, I went through the exact same thing.

Did you know that your body is only doing what you're telling it to do? All of the stress and anger is telling your body that famine is on the rise and that it should store as much fat as possible. Weird huh? When you are ready to let go and accept the journey ahead, the weight will fall off, and at the rate you'd like it to as well.

That will cheer you up instantly. It worked for me. I went from losing .5 - 1 pound a week then realized that I was sabotaging myself with my poor attitude towards my seemingly doomed situation. Once I accepted my reality (90+ pound weight gain), and started taking better care of myself (appropriate vitamins, getting more sleep, etc) - I'm up to almost 3 pounds a week and I'm eating more than 1200 cals a day! (But I burn more than 3500+ a day too) I stopped my body from creating the fat hormones due to STRESS and my weight loss is unstoppable.

It's like magic.

I hope this helps. I no longer think about what I did in the past. It's all about what you're doing now and how you're preparing for the future.

Good luck!

chelleann777

When I get discouraged I like to remeber that I am closer to the goal then if I never even started. It is so easy to beat yourself up and then just fall into you old ways; then two months later you look and say "where would I have been if I hadn't given up last time?" I really wanted to get fit by May starting in January. I did really well in March and then went back to my old self in April, but now it is May. I have learned something, am picking myself up by the boot straps, and am going to keep going. Each success is closer to the finish line and each failure is a lesson. Learn from it and move on. I am so glad that you are starting to trade stress eating for exercise! WTG! That in itself is a success everytime you do it! Make a list of mini things you struggle with, cravings, things you want to be doing, and keep record of where you have come from and where you are going. Sometimes our greatest success is nowhere near the scale! Good luck!

Prilla04

Tuzzie - I totally and completely feel your pain. You can't fix the past. Period. It's done so leave it there. All you can do is start from right here and go forward. Give yourself permission to forgive yourself and move forward from today.

holleysings

"Never too late, never too old, never too bad, and never too sick to start from scratch once again." -Bikram Choudhury

The past does not matter. Just focus on starting again. You can do it! Feel free to add me for support.

Rolande55

Thank you ladies...I know that I can't lose the weight over night and sometimes that is encouraging, but sometimes it makes it worse to think about how long this is going to take! I have also tried to become an emotional work-out-er, that should be a new word. I have a huge problem with anxiety and usually I just eat and eat and eat during my panic attacks, which obviously doesn't help. Lately, I've been getting anxious and hop onto my elliptical and not only does it save me calories, but I actually feel it helping to RELIEVE the anxiety, unlike with eating where I just have to eat nonstop to feel any better.

Look at it this way, if you didn't work at a healthier lifestyle and weight, in the same amount of time it takes you to get 'er done, you would still be where you're at! Yes excercise is a fantastic stress buster, anxiety reliver, depression lifter in addition to calorie burning. How great is that?