Fat but not Happy

tinchick

This is my first time posting a topic on the message boards, but I really need some support.

As you all know, the G8 Summit was held at Camp David this year and because Thurmont is the closest town to it, we had protestors. I don't want to go into too much detail, but on that Saturday, my mom and I went out to see all the protestors and live this piece of history. Well, let's just say that we got ourselves involved in a passionate debate with some protestors. Needless to say, people gathered around us to watch. It wasn't until I was telling the story to my sister's boyfriend that I thought that there might be a video of us on YouTube. Well, I did some checking, and while most of the videos are about the Ethiopians (4 buses of people tend to draw some attention), there is one video that has a small snip-it of our debate. After watching the video, I looked at the comments to see what people thought, and although there were not very many comments, a few of the ones that were there really affected me. One person wrote, "the fat girls *****ing about raping. LOL i doubt someone would want to rape them!" and another wrote, "That overweight drama victim's rant about rape was painful to watch.". Now I realize that whoever wrote the first comment is a pig and a clear example of the rape culture that is a part of our country so I should dismiss anything that he/she says, but these two comments have one thing in common: "that fat/overweight girl".

Now I'm not stupid. I know that I am fat. I'm 233lbs and most of that is not muscle. I wear a size 14/16 in clothes and I jiggle when I walk. I have been like this for about half of my life and it was only recently that I started getting serious about getting healthy. And most days, I own it. "Yeah, I'm fat. So what?" But something about reading it in print, albeit online, just struck a nerve. In my head, I realize that people look at me and see a fat girl. But I guess somewhere in the back of your mind, you just hold on to this shred of hope that people don't see you like that. Also, and it's hard to explain, but on a day to day basis, I don't think that I'm that fat. I know that I am big, but I don't really realize it until I see it in pictures or something like that. My mind kind of dissociate me from my size. I guess it's because I'm on the inside looking out. I don't know if that even makes sense to anyone but me, but that's how I feel. So when I read those comments, they really hurt, mostly because that is how I am identified in the world. I'm not "that girl *****ing", I'm "that fat girl *****ing". It's like, now that it's out there in the world, it's real. It's true. I'm fat, and not in the "I own it" way, but in the "You're disgusting" way. And it hurts.

I know that I shouldn't care what other people think and that it's what's on the inside that counts and that "no one can make me feel inferior without my consent", but to quote a different source, "but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding". It's amazing how you can go from feeling so on top to suddenly crashing down. I mean, earlier today, I felt great! I got in a tough, but excellent workout and although it was a cheat day for food, I didn't go that overboard. (a big accomplishment for me) I've been losing weight and feeling stronger, but in that one instant of reading those comments, it all became null and void.


I'm sure that other people have had something like this happen to them. It just caught me off guard.

misskerouac

First off the people that made those comments were probably 14 year olds or people who have the maturity of a 14 year old to make any kind of joke about rape and also making any comment towards your weight.

I have never "owned" my weight so in that aspect I don't feel exactly what you are feeling but every once in a while I'll see a picture of myself (at work functions or whatever) and I think "THAT'S what I looked like that day? Why the hell didn't husband say something when I left the house?????"

But don't let a few comments from YouTube viewers get to you, I've seen some real "gems" post comments on YT videos, I wouldn't take them too seriously

tialeanne

1. Youtube comments have got to be the most depressing thing I've seen in my life. I weep for humanity. Also I've seen youtube comments calling some pretty slim celebrities fat.

2. It's never nice to be called fat but think of where it's coming from. Who are these people to you?

3. Are you proud of the content of your argument? That's much more important than how you looked.

4. Use it. Say, "I never want someone to be able to call me a fat chick without looking like an idiot." and do what you need to do.

5. That sucks. ((((((hugs)))))))

Baybbee123

Anyone who has a significant amount of weight to loss should be able to relate to this. I certainly know I can. It is hard to not let some moments and comments get to you. People say extremely excrutiatingly painful things without any regard to who it can hurt. And no one can take that hurt away from you once it is there. Believe me, for those two people who have said ugly things, there are just as many who think you are beautiful the way you are. It's hard to own being big and accepting it, but without owning it, you won't lose it. So take what they have said and just say to yourself "you know what....today I am big and yes that hurts to hear from a complete stranger, but one day I am not going to be big...and they won't be able to say that." People sick. Someone is always rude....but I believe in you. You can lose the weight. We all can. That's why we are here for one another. You can do this....prove it to them but mostly prove it to yourself. And don't let ANYONE or ANYTHING stop you!

marissaagosh

oh lord. i know just how u feel girl! i was going through some pics my mom uploaded from a vacation to disney and i was absolutely REPULSED by the pics of myself -.- i apparently did not realize i looked THAT fat. like u said i look at it from the inside out, and dont ever consider myself that big. i am 5 foot 6 270lbs. I have been obsessing with my weight loss lately. just sick of being called fat and being known as the fat girl, or being unable to fit in at the club cause of my weight or having trouble finding something that looks good on me -.- sigh. gotta just use it as motivation

LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo

You can always lose that weight but these people cannot lose their dumbness.

Just think of all the positive qualities that you have. Sure you may be big but at the same time you're intelligent, friendly & can carry yourself very well. There are lots of slim people out there who look awful even in designer clothes.

sparkie2bfit

When you wrote this, hopefully you processed out all that hurt and frustration and turned it into even more resolve to love who you are and to be the best you can, not for anyone else but for yourself. Who ever wrote the saying "stick n stone will break my bones but words can never hurt me" was not human. Words are powerful tools and used wrongly can injure and damage people. Turn those words into the fuel you need to keep going. Those people must be pretty shallow and dumb that they have to respond in such a cruel, mean way. So sorry for the hurt they caused. Now just like a fall in the dirt; get up brush yourself off from the "dirt" (for that is what that is) and continue your beautiful walk. I am one of those privileged people that know you. You are beautiful inside and out. I love your determination and strength. You are beautiful.

tinchick

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I really appreciate it.

It's nice to hear encouragement from (mostly) strangers instead of just negativity.



And btw: I responded to one of the comments and the person responded back! I don't think he/she knows that I'm the person in the video, but let's just say that whichever one of you guys said that "I can lose the weight but they can't stop being stupid" is totally right! This commenter believes that because a person is fat and has made bad life choices, their opinion is less valid. Absolutely ridiculous, I know.

utahgirl247

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
:flowerforyou:

jaxandmaksmom

I know how u feel.... My roommate left his facebook open on my computer one day... Thinking it was mine i went and read "my"new message.... Which was from his friend..... After reading ahh too bad in the message i looked up and saw that my roommates friend had said i was cute, to which my roommate(he was also my "best friend") replied....." ya she is cute in that fat girl way.....she is big..like really big".......i almost died.... I know it was my bad for reading the message and i know all that.....but it effected me...a lot.....i got very depressed....and i binged like a mofo...i ate everything i could.....as i laid in bed sick and crying i realized.......i am the only one who can change this... I am the only one who can stop someone from saying this about me........

The realzation that "my friend" thought this about me and said it behind my back made me wonder what others say.......

So i made a promise to myself..... I moved out of that house and i started to lose....one day i may tell him what i saw.... But for right now....i just know i have a reason to get healthy....andno its not to stop people saying or thinking that about me.....it is si i never have to feel that self loathing again...


Just wanted to share

Crochetluvr

Unfortunately, no person that has been thin all their lives and never struggled with weight can empathize with an overweight person. Its like me trying to empathize with someone who is afraid mice....I cant relate, as mice dont bother me. BUT, I learned in therapy that everyone has their demons and even if we cant identify with them, we can SYMPATHIZE even if we cant empathize. There are a lot of smart *kitten* morons in this world, but they have their demons too. If someone called them on them, I wonder their reaction would be?

You learn a lot about other people, not just yourself, in therapy.

tinchick

I found an awesome picture to sum up this experience.

http://iwastesomuchtime.com/on/?i=39192

tinchick

You learn a lot about other people, not just yourself, in therapy.

I totally agree with that. I have been in therapy for about 2 years now and it has done wonders for me. I highly recommend it for everyone because, as you said, we all have our own demons.

lizzybethclaire

I'm the same way. I cringed away from pictures because I was disgusted by the way I looked. I am proportionate (my weight gain is everywhere not just my belly), but I am definitely fat. I alwasy knew I was fat, but pictures made it so much more real. Right now, I try to focus on the positive aspects of my weight loss. I am not sure I will ever enjoy my picture being taken.

mfpcopine

Unfortunately, no person that has been thin all their lives and never struggled with weight can empathize with an overweight person.

I don't agree with that. Most people have had some problem or another even if it wasn't being overweight.

mfpcopine

You need to keep the various issues separate:

1) Yahoos (in the Swiftian sense) are on the Internet. In your case, they picked on you because you're fat. Anyone can be picked on for any reason by an idiot on the Internet. The level of vileness and the stupidity you can encounter is unsettling. You responded to one of the comments and I hope it made you feel better. Some people wouldn't have bothered.

2) People are at least initially superficial and you are overweight to a degree that causes discomfort even to you.


Ignore these people, or contact YouTube and complain if you think that will help. I assume you can get it taken down. Figure out your goals (you know losing weight will bring many benefits) and move on. It's complex, but the act of losing weight is not a capitulation to these jerks. You're doing it for yourself.