Help...NEED Parental Help ASAP

HealthyKt78

what I said- before you got all twisted- is that the 19 year old being discussed doesn't understand the consequences of her actions. this has been demonstrated by the actions she has taken. tattooing on her boyfriends's name, crashing her car, staying out all night, disrespecting the parents who provide her lifestyle to her- these aren't adult behaviors.

when you have experienced more of life, you have a greater perspective from which to offer advice to others. I have been the mother of rebellious teenagers, and can give the advice I have learned to others, when they ask for it.

whether it makes you mad or not, the 19 year old in question is most definitely a child. she proves this again and again in the actions her mother describes. and it is time for her parents to teach her to be an adult, with repercussions for her actions. whether she throws a child-like tantrum or not.

relax- I'm sure you believe you are the most responsible and adult 19 year old ever. But I was offering parental advice to the mom who asked for it, not addressing you or your levels of adulthood.

I do not appreciate being patronized either.
"I'm sure you believe you are the most responsible and adult 19 year old ever"
I specifically said that I do not hold all the financial responsibilities that according to your definition one must hold to be an adult. I never once said I was the most responsible 19 year old. I understand that I do not know everything about the world but I'm learning in the best way I can. I may not be as wild as the daughter who the original question pertains to but I am still a 19 year old learning life lessons just like any other one.

Now as a 19 year old I know what types of parenting most my age will respond to which gives me the capability to give valid advice on this situation. All or nothing rules will not have a positive outcome unless the ADULT (like it or not no matter what the person's been through or what bills they have to pay at 18 they are legally an adult) in question hits rock bottom and realizes their life has sunk so slow the only possible way to go is up. (or hopefully they have another positive influence in their life that can take them under their wing) Shouldn't a parents goal be to do their best to prevent that from happening? Shouldn't a parents goal be to point their child in the right direction in the first place?

The adult that the original question pertains to isn't that bad. Tattoos, while permanent, are not so bad. Yeah she'll regret it but not that bad. Car accidents happen. All the mother told us is that she rear ended someone. If she wasn't drunk and it was just a normal rear ending then the consequences aren't that severe. If the insurance goes up that gives the mother another opportunity to make her learn responsibility. She can make her daughter pay the increase. Staying out all night...she's in college. I stay out some nights. I may be away at college so my parents can't control when I get home but staying out all night when you're in college is a normal thing. She can easily be taught responsibility without the severe parenting style you're suggesting. That should be a last resort if used at all.

And according to your profile you're only 32. Unless you had a child at 14 please tell me how you've had the years to have been a mother to rebellious teens? You said you HAVE been a mother to rebellious teens leading me to assume that your teens are good now or that they're adults now. This is of course me assuming your profile age is correct which if it isn't then ignore this paragraph.

pinksultana

TO Original Poster
I am not a parent, so I cant even imagine how hard it must be for you, and worrying too! I can only go by the experiences I had from my parents when i was in my 'wild child' stage. As mad and annoyed as i got i alwaysd appreciated the way my parents sat me down calmy and explained why theyre concerned about what i was planning on doing / did / would consider doing ect when the issues arose - they would say they knew I was old enough to make my own decisions at 18, but that they loved me and were concerned because of the risks associated with said activity. They would set the parameters and say that i could always go and talk to them about anything and would not be judged but they would give their opinion, they said they would always love me unconditionally, and then they would say - but if you end up going out, getting into trouble with the law or drugs or whatever by Choice ect they then told me the consequences of what I would receive from my parents - on top of anything i could get from police ect ect....such as limiting my use of various household luxuries, cutting off finanical assistance so then i would have to pick up more hours at my part time job ect ect.... to be honest I think this prevented me from doing some pretty dumb things....althought i still did mess up and do some pretty dumb things - but my parents kept to their work and loved me unconditionally and also applied consequences because of what i did....

i still love them and understand more now about why they wanted to protect me from making mistakes, but also allwoed me to make my own choices...

anyways thats what happened to me and i still love em to bits
xxPINK

KatWood

Wow what an interesting thread.

I'm not a parent but I came from a strict home and moved out at 17. I went through some tough time but I learnt a lot and I think I turned out ok :flowerforyou:

I do think that while she is under your roof and not paying you rent she has to abide by your rules. But having said that their is a a difference between inforcing fair rules and being too strict to the point of suffrocation. Be clear about what the rules are and be prepared to enforce them. And then let her live her life, if she breaks a rule, enforce the consequence,. If she doesn't like it she will have to find a way to move out and support herself.

And I do not believe under any circumstance is it ok to listen in on a personal call. It really does cause more problems. My parents read my diary once and totally misunderstood what I had written. Reading a seceret note or listening in a call doesn't necessarily tell you what your child is actually planning or thinking and the assumptions you make and the invasion of privacy could be more damaging than you realize. I have never gotten over my parents reading my diary. They also listened in on my calls and read personal letters. No wonder I moved out at 17!

My point is this, there is a middle ground. You can be strict and still let her live her life. Hopefully finding that comprimise (and I know it isn't easy) will give you both peace of mind.

Good luck. :flowerforyou:

almond13

Good Morning. I am not a parent... but I certainly was a wild child... my freshmen year of college (I was 17) I decided that I would step up my "wild activities"... my parents basically said sure.. do what ever you want (they had tried it all by now)... BUT if you decided to make bad decisions we are going to cut you off... 1 week later... a crazy party... and an eviction letter from my apartment ... I was "cut off" I had 1 month to get a job, figure out how to pay my bills... and I have been financially independent since... I don't consider what my parents did wrong... I wanted to be independent... so paying bills comes with that... I cleaned up my act because instead of using my money to buy beer I had to pay bills... friday nights when I would be out at a club... I was working... I love that my parents cut me off... now, at 22 I am buying my first home... getting my PhD. and enjoying my life... trust me it took time... but it is possible .. I don't think YOU can reform your wild child... she needs to do this herself... but YOU need to make that possible... make her take responsibility for her life... you never know... she may run back home wanting to live under your rules... or she may be ready to step up and act like an adult... just give her the choice and the chance... On a side note... my parents NEVER condoned me drinking under age... but they did have a policy that if for any reason I needed a ride they would pick me up no questions asked... (theoretically... ) ... I always felt that if I made a mistake or the person who was going to drive was drinking I could call them... and I would have a safe ride... without they worry of OMG my parents are going to freak... Just an idea... Good luck! :flowerforyou:

LuckyLeprechaun

what I said- before you got all twisted- is that the 19 year old being discussed doesn't understand the consequences of her actions. this has been demonstrated by the actions she has taken. tattooing on her boyfriends's name, crashing her car, staying out all night, disrespecting the parents who provide her lifestyle to her- these aren't adult behaviors.

when you have experienced more of life, you have a greater perspective from which to offer advice to others. I have been the mother of rebellious teenagers, and can give the advice I have learned to others, when they ask for it.

whether it makes you mad or not, the 19 year old in question is most definitely a child. she proves this again and again in the actions her mother describes. and it is time for her parents to teach her to be an adult, with repercussions for her actions. whether she throws a child-like tantrum or not.

relax- I'm sure you believe you are the most responsible and adult 19 year old ever. But I was offering parental advice to the mom who asked for it, not addressing you or your levels of adulthood.

I do not appreciate being patronized either.
"I'm sure you believe you are the most responsible and adult 19 year old ever"
I specifically said that I do not hold all the financial responsibilities that according to your definition one must hold to be an adult. I never once said I was the most responsible 19 year old. I understand that I do not know everything about the world but I'm learning in the best way I can. I may not be as wild as the daughter who the original question pertains to but I am still a 19 year old learning life lessons just like any other one.

Now as a 19 year old I know what types of parenting most my age will respond to which gives me the capability to give valid advice on this situation. All or nothing rules will not have a positive outcome unless the ADULT (like it or not no matter what the person's been through or what bills they have to pay at 18 they are legally an adult) in question hits rock bottom and realizes their life has sunk so slow the only possible way to go is up. (or hopefully they have another positive influence in their life that can take them under their wing) Shouldn't a parents goal be to do their best to prevent that from happening? Shouldn't a parents goal be to point their child in the right direction in the first place?

The adult that the original question pertains to isn't that bad. Tattoos, while permanent, are not so bad. Yeah she'll regret it but not that bad. Car accidents happen. All the mother told us is that she rear ended someone. If she wasn't drunk and it was just a normal rear ending then the consequences aren't that severe. If the insurance goes up that gives the mother another opportunity to make her learn responsibility. She can make her daughter pay the increase. Staying out all night...she's in college. I stay out some nights. I may be away at college so my parents can't control when I get home but staying out all night when you're in college is a normal thing. She can easily be taught responsibility without the severe parenting style you're suggesting. That should be a last resort if used at all.

And according to your profile you're only 32. Unless you had a child at 14 please tell me how you've had the years to have been a mother to rebellious teens? You said you HAVE been a mother to rebellious teens leading me to assume that your teens are good now or that they're adults now. This is of course me assuming your profile age is correct which if it isn't then ignore this paragraph.

when you assume........

I have five stepkids. they were created before I married their father, and before I raised two of them in my home. Thanks for asking about them- I love an opportunity to brag on my kids. The oldest is putting herself through law school. The second has already finished her degree, in nuclear engineering, she earned a full ride scholarship and now works for the federal government decommissioning nuclear submarines. the third is also on a full ride scholarship and is working on his double major in mechanical engineering and math. the youngest is about to enter his senior year of high school, is in all AP classes, carries a 4.5GPA and is on the varsity football team. From my perspective, our approach works.


can you tell me why this mother should keep shouldering the expense that this child incurs while being disrespected? I am not sure why you think reasonable expectations=severe.

once more, what I said is this:
she is legally an adult. her behaviors are causing severe distress to the parents who support her. I suggest they sit her down and let her know that the perks of living at home and being supported come at a price: respect. Since she is legally an adult, nobody is forcing her to stay at home and have her lifestyle provided to her. She can go her merry way, and make every decision that comes her way. But the cost of that level of freedom is supporting oneself. Her mother's expectations are not harsh, severe, strict, any of the adjectives I've seen here. She expects her to stay un-pregnant, respect the law, be safe, keep her environment cleaned up. Instead, while living on her parent's dime, she is tattooing her bf's name on herself, has crashed cars and received tickets so many times she is now in danger of losing her license, breaking the law by drinking and staying out all night, breaking the law by using a fake ID. all while speaking disrespectfully to the parents who pay for this life she is enjoying. why would it be a good idea for her parents to teach her that is appropriate by allowing it to continue? I never said her parents should scream at her or kick her out. I said they should cause her to understand that the price of dependence is respect.

it's a simple equation: you want me to pay for your housing, your food, your car, your cell phone, your insurance, your water, electricity, gas, everything that you enjoy in life. I want you to respect my wishes when it comes to dangerous and illegal behaviors.

why is that so unreasonable?

Kidvicious28

how about we focus on helping the mother who started this thread to begin with. Everyone has their own opinions and advice, whether they be right or wrong. The mother can choose what advice to take.

LuckyLeprechaun

how about we focus on helping the mother who started this thread to begin with. Everyone has their own opinions and advice, whether they be right or wrong. The mother can choose what advice to take.

well said. I'm sure she will.