You have GOT to be kidding me (Military Rant)!?!?!

LindaLouLu

So, A tiny bit of back story:

I am a military spouse. My Husband is currently on IA (Individual Augmentee) orders to Afghanistan. He comes home in less than 30 days. I have not watched, read nor heard ANY media news since August of 2011 when he first receive orders to go. My telephone number on the Emergency contact sheet clearly states "DO NOT CONTACT".

Tonight I receive a phone call from the IA Coordinator. After confirming I'm me and introducing herself she says to me, "I thought you should know, we have lost someone."

I'm speechless. I can't even respond to what she just said. My heart is crushed and I can hardly breathe. Finally, I mange a weak, "What?"

Then she says, "It's not your husband, but I figured I would just straighten out the rumors before they get out of hand."

I can't say anything. I'm shocked. After a few moments I just tell her, "Okay.... Thanks. I guess."

She comes back with, "Okay. Have a good night!" in this super perky voice.

CLICK!

SERIOUSLY?!?!? Heart attack in a phone call and I get a perky "Have a good night!"?!?!?

I don't know the person our command just lost, but I know I've been dreading the visit their family just received. My heart and my prayers are with this mans family.

To me, this woman's actions were completely uncalled for. I don't watch the news. I do NOT associate with other military spouses. I do NOT associate with military personnel. I avoid base like the PLAGUE. I don't even take advantage of base housing. I have my own house, far far away from them. My telephone number is marked with DO NOT CONTACT. Simply for reasons like this. Unsolicited phone calls from people that feel it is their business to spread news (whether it's true or not and sadly, in this case it's true) that they have no business spreading to people with NO desire to know said news.

I'm going to talk to the CMC (Command Master Chief) come morning. I will be camped out in front of their office with my 3 year old in tow at 9am. I want to know WHY. WHY this woman is making phone calls like this. WHY she chose to call me (someone who is COMPLETELY removed from the loop in base happenings). WHY she chose to word her terrible news in this manner. And last but not least, WHY is she the IA Coordinator and how soon will she be replaced.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Again, my prayers to the mans family.

Drenched_N_Motivation

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SsgtWilson

I have not been in your shoes so I dont know how I would deal with a love one over sea's Im always the one gone. the lady that has called you has a job to do and she might have to sound like that because she has to call alot of ladies and just imagine the question that she gets fro the other wifes. She is the one that has to be strong for the spouses and she probably has a Hubby over there too. yes I do agree that she could have choose better words.....

LindaLouLu

She is a fellow military member. Her job is to assist us with household matters during their absence, NOT deliver news like that. Especially about someone ELSES spouse. I questioned her predecessor thoroughly before agreeing to provide my phone number for their stupid list. It is the Chaplains job to notify us of casualties that pertain to us.

ktbug1186

If she HAD to call you, you would think she would have said.."your husband is fine, but just to let you know.." intstead of saying what she said!! How awful! I know that had to be horrible for you.

MNchick

Oh, for the love...

I think I would have reached through the phone and...UGHHHHH!

This is absolutely sickening! What if you were with a group of wives and everyone got a phone call except ONE WOMAN. I would be all over the CMC and if they are even half human they will find a new IA coordinator ASAP. If the CMC doesn't do anything, I would seriously contact the IG.

leah102408

That is ridiculous!!! I wouldn't be putting it as nicely as you did if I was in your shoes!!

marinemomx2

My thoughts and prayers go out to the family of the fallen warrior.. I am also sorry that you received a call like that! I am the contact for my two sons as they are both single and I am currently on back to back deployments due to having 2 Marines. We do not receive information like that and I don't understand why they would call you if your family member was not involved. I just found out today that we lost a Lcpl and a Navy Corpsman in my sons unit but via DoD release. I hope that you get this straightened out and maybe make some changes that will help other spouses too.

And by the way, thank you for your husbands service and to you as well for the sacrifices you make as a military spouse.

LindaLouLu

I just spoke to the previous IA Coordinator. I told him what happened. Apparently all wives concerned (everyone with a family member on IA from our area in Afghanistan) were to be issued a "Your Sailor is ok, but..." message via e-mail. Well, since my e-mail was not provided (because I do not wish to be contacted), this woman took it upon herself to disregard the DO NOT CONTACT status attached to my phone number and deliver the news. What..... a..... Genius. Her senior Chief will be addressing the issue first thing in the morning.

slkehl

Oh man. Must have been the worst scare of your life.

Elizabeth_C34

CMC should be able to fix this. If she's calling other spouses, then she needs a much better script than that.

Totally uncalled for.

<-- Army veteran's wife.

digitalbill

So, A tiny bit of back story:

I am a military spouse. My Husband is currently on IA (Individual Augmentee) orders to Afghanistan. He comes home in less than 30 days. I have not watched, read nor heard ANY media news since August of 2011 when he first receive orders to go. My telephone number on the Emergency contact sheet clearly states "DO NOT CONTACT".

Tonight I receive a phone call from the IA Coordinator. After confirming I'm me and introducing herself she says to me, "I thought you should know, we have lost someone."

I'm speechless. I can't even respond to what she just said. My heart is crushed and I can hardly breathe. Finally, I mange a weak, "What?"

Then she says, "It's not your husband, but I figured I would just straighten out the rumors before they get out of hand."

I can't say anything. I'm shocked. After a few moments I just tell her, "Okay.... Thanks. I guess."

She comes back with, "Okay. Have a good night!" in this super perky voice.

CLICK!

SERIOUSLY?!?!? Heart attack in a phone call and I get a perky "Have a good night!"?!?!?

I don't know the person our command just lost, but I know I've been dreading the visit their family just received. My heart and my prayers are with this mans family.

To me, this woman's actions were completely uncalled for. I don't watch the news. I do NOT associate with other military spouses. I do NOT associate with military personnel. I avoid base like the PLAGUE. I don't even take advantage of base housing. I have my own house, far far away from them. My telephone number is marked with DO NOT CONTACT. Simply for reasons like this. Unsolicited phone calls from people that feel it is their business to spread news (whether it's true or not and sadly, in this case it's true) that they have no business spreading to people with NO desire to know said news.

I'm going to talk to the CMC (Command Master Chief) come morning. I will be camped out in front of their office with my 3 year old in tow at 9am. I want to know WHY. WHY this woman is making phone calls like this. WHY she chose to call me (someone who is COMPLETELY removed from the loop in base happenings). WHY she chose to word her terrible news in this manner. And last but not least, WHY is she the IA Coordinator and how soon will she be replaced.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Again, my prayers to the mans family.

Obviously the caller did not handle this in the correct way.
With that said, there is a VERY good chance that she has not had much training in this particular field and really didn't know what do do.
Quite often, assignments like this are looked at as an extra duty.
I am sure that she had no idea what to say. Yes, getting that call is horrible but, so is making it. Perhaps instead of contacting her C.O., maybe you can talk to her personally and explain how she could have done this better?

chatipati1

First of all, I know nothing of how the military informs people of bad news. I would think that it would not be a phone call...rather a visit in person by someone in the military. If that is not the case, she just had very bad taste in the way she opened the conversation. Sorry for your scare...

Bahet

First of all, I know nothing of how the military informs people of bad news. I would think that it would not be a phone call...rather a visit in person by someone in the military. If that is not the case, she just had very bad taste in the way she opened the conversation. Sorry for your scare...

They issue bad news in person by military personnel in uniform. But even if you already know that it doesn't make your heart keep beating regularly when you get a phone call like that. My husband was activated with the reserves in 2003/2004 and sent to Iraq. One night around 8:30pm the doorbell rang. I answered it and saw 2 police officers in uniform. My knees very nearly gave out. I felt the blood drain from my face and my eyes widen. If I had answered the door and the Grim Reaper himself were standing there I don't think I would have had a different immediate reaction. The fact that I knew the procedures didn't change the immediate instinct. In my case it turned out that the previous owner's estranged father had passed and that was the last address the had for her. When I explained my reaction the officers felt horrible, apologized, and offered to sit with me or get me a drink. They sure didn't say "Okay, have a good night!"

To the OP, I'm sorry you had to deal with such an idiot. She probably thought she was telling you good news since your hubby is fine. Some people don't have enough brain power to be able to walk and cew gum at the same time. Idiot.

cmeade20

The first words out of her mouth should have been Don't worry your husband is fine. You never needlessly put someone through that awful feeling even if its only 30 seconds!

chell53

Hi! I know this will not come out right, but I am a former military wife (Marines) and I have always dreaded those types of calls or visits. I know you are on the do not call list, however may I say in the womens behalf.....yes she started the conversation out wrong, but maybe she was just passing the info on so the other wives if they knew this person would want to comfort the family and help in some way. I know you stated that you do not live in housing or associate with military bases......but you are still part of there family at least when my husband was in before he reitred (after 21 years) I didn't talk to many of them either, however when our husbands were sent out we did try and comunicate with each other and help each other when needed.
I miss the military life in some ways and I have made some great friends who even now 19 years later we still keep in touch.
The women should have read your request......just don't be to hard on her.

Italianyc84

Ok, I know absolutely nothing about being in the military/being a military wife but I'm just curious--why would someone want to NOT be called? What types of phonecalls are you preventing? I know they deliver the REALLY bad news in person, so I'm just curious.

LindaLouLu

Ok, I know absolutely nothing about being in the military/being a military wife but I'm just curious--why would someone want to NOT be called? What types of phonecalls are you preventing? I know they deliver the REALLY bad news in person, so I'm just curious.

I asked to NOT be contacted simply for the fact that I suffer from acute anxiety. ANY type of news about what's going on over there sends me into a panic. A sleepless panic. An images that do not turn off panic. Hence my personal choice to avoid all forms of news.
KNOWING that they typically issue terrible news in official uniform does NOT change the knee jerk reaction you feel when you hear "We have lost someone".
People that ARE familiar with the inner workings of military life understand the "gossip mill" and how it can get out of hand and leave you with many a sleepless night and an unnecessary ulcer. They will also understand that "Proper Procedure" isn't always followed the way it should be. That nosy bored spouses can evoke the worlds biggest fears with their apparent constant "NEED" to share what they just saw/ heard/read and provide details that aren't necessarily there. Especially when THEIR spouse is able to come home every night.
Until this woman placed her uncalled for phone call, I had absolutely NO idea what was going on over there, nor did I have any desire to know. I enjoy my sleep, and thanks to her "fixing a rumor" that I didn't even know existed, I managed a very fitful 45 minutes last night.

P.S. The closest "view" I can offer to you is to sit down and watch "We were Soldiers". It's a prime example of life from the wife's side.

ampa916

I personally am a military wife and I suffer from anxiety, also, so I know how it feels like people are out to get you or hurt you and worry all day and all night... I can not believe that she worded it like that! But in her defense she most likely did not single you out to deliver that news. She more than likely has a list to call (which I know about from working with my FRG) so she takes time out of her day (which she is also a military wife and has someone over seas) to call all the other spouses and get information and confirm you are still where your spouse said you would be etc. etc. It is likely that a few calls before you someone freaked out on her asking her who they lost, if it was their loved one, why they weren't getting proper information etc. And she thought it would bring you accurate information instead of "my friends, brother, spouse's cousin said it was your man"

But after all that if she took on that responsibility to "clear things up" she should have had it approved by a C/O or just informed them about the situation and asked how to fix things.

dls06

I can't even begin to imagine what you go through. You are all in my prayers.

LindaLouLu

Obviously the caller did not handle this in the correct way.
With that said, there is a VERY good chance that she has not had much training in this particular field and really didn't know what do do.
Quite often, assignments like this are looked at as an extra duty.
I am sure that she had no idea what to say. Yes, getting that call is horrible but, so is making it. Perhaps instead of contacting her C.O., maybe you can talk to her personally and explain how she could have done this better?

Obviously she did not.
Acting as the IA coordinator IS an "auxiliary duty".
That being said, I WILL contact her CO. She was under orders to issue a "Your Sailor is ok, but..." message via e-mail. Well, since my e-mail was not provided (because I do not wish to be contacted), this woman took it upon herself to disregard the DO NOT CONTACT status attached to my phone number and deliver the news.
I want to know why this woman blatantly disregarded the written request NOT to be contacted. WHY she failed to check with her predecessor on WHY no contact was requested. I want to request better training for all future personnel given her position. I NEVER want another spouse to have to endure that kind of pointless panic for no reason.

FitSuga

I completely understand having been there. Sorry you had to go through that.

ball858

I am a CVO / CNO (Casualty Visiting/Notifying Officer) for the British Army - meaning if the time came I could be asked to deliver bad news of Injury or worse.

I would NEVER call a spouse that was not directly involved with the soldier - only the family involved should be informed - WHAT WAS THIS WOMAN DOING???

bm99

HORRIBLE.

You absolutely need to tell someone about that call. I can't imagine how you felt.

Italianyc84

Thanks for the response, I will check out We Were Soldiers. I suffer from severe anxiety/panic attacks, so that makes perfect sense to me. I agree that what she did was very wrong.

Ok, I know absolutely nothing about being in the military/being a military wife but I'm just curious--why would someone want to NOT be called? What types of phonecalls are you preventing? I know they deliver the REALLY bad news in person, so I'm just curious.

I asked to NOT be contacted simply for the fact that I suffer from acute anxiety. ANY type of news about what's going on over there sends me into a panic. A sleepless panic. An images that do not turn off panic. Hence my personal choice to avoid all forms of news.
KNOWING that they typically issue terrible news in official uniform does NOT change the knee jerk reaction you feel when you hear "We have lost someone".
People that ARE familiar with the inner workings of military life understand the "gossip mill" and how it can get out of hand and leave you with many a sleepless night and an unnecessary ulcer. They will also understand that "Proper Procedure" isn't always followed the way it should be. That nosy bored spouses can evoke the worlds biggest fears with their apparent constant "NEED" to share what they just saw/ heard/read and provide details that aren't necessarily there. Especially when THEIR spouse is able to come home every night.
Until this woman placed her uncalled for phone call, I had absolutely NO idea what was going on over there, nor did I have any desire to know. I enjoy my sleep, and thanks to her "fixing a rumor" that I didn't even know existed, I managed a very fitful 45 minutes last night.

P.S. The closest "view" I can offer to you is to sit down and watch "We were Soldiers". It's a prime example of life from the wife's side.

LindaLouLu

Thanks for the response, I will check out We Were Soldiers. I suffer from severe anxiety/panic attacks, so that makes perfect sense to me. I agree that what she did was very wrong.

You're very welcome. It's a beautiful movie. It shows a pretty good example of life from both sides, however, I CAN tell you that my husband had NO clue what it was like to be on this side until I made him sit through the whole movie. And I can honestly admit that it opened MY eyes to how their life is (or could be) while they're on the other side of the world.

Discoveri

I am gobsmacked by that woman. I'm glad you spoke to someone already so that they can explain to her how horribly frightening it is to receive a call like that. I'm so sorry for the anxiety you must have felt.

obum88

When dealing with a lot of family support personnel, i just remind myself that they are people and sometimes not trained right. But all this logic came back after my husbands deployment. She may have been nervous and blurted out the bad news first, but the chirpy goodbye is not cool, i would have personally went to find her.

BigDaddyBRC

Was the "rumor" clarified? I saw nothing in your rant about anything other than that.

I am sorry to hear, though, that you have ZERO connection with military personnel, base, and family...

EricNCSU

Wow.. un-effing-believable..... First off thank you for YOUR sacrifice, and THANKS to your husband for his service...

Thoughts to the family who has made the Ultimate Sacrifice.. but WOW.. lets tell the whole command that their father/son/husband (or mom/wife/daugther) is not coming home....

Poor tact... and usually the military handles things like this with the UPMOST respect and brevity.... unreal..

And yes.. We Were Soldiers is an incredible movie and that's exactly what I thought... the scene where the taxi driver rings the doorbell of the commanders wifes house with a telegram in his hand (obvious what that meant) but it's not her husband who was killed, he couldnt find the right house.

nas24

I'm sorry but i would have just went off on her *kitten*!!! Goodness! I think i would have died