Lend me your ears.....

ddrobins1956

Hi, I'm back. I haven't logged into My Fitness Pal for over a year and man do I need to get back on the horse. The last couple of years have been very stressful. I have some sort of chronic pain thing going on for over 3 yrs now and have really gotten no help from my doctor in finding out just what is causing the problem. I live in Ontario and those of you in Canada will understand my problem. It's not like you can doctor shop in this country or just look up a specialist in the phone book and make an appt. Every thing is Gov't regulated and there is a que for everything. Also, my doctor is not big on even referring to specialists or maybe just not referring me. I really think that she sees me as a complainer and her theory is that if I would just lose the weight all my problems will be over. Duh, ok doc, tell me how to do that. She just does not realize that I do not want to be fat. I hate it , hate it , hate it and most of the time. I HATE myself.
Last year, I started to have full blown panic attacks. If you've never had one, all I can say is, I thought I was dying. I fully thought when I had my husband rush me the 2 blocks to the emergency room that I would never see my kids , gr. kids, or loved ones again. After being there 3 times in one week and not finding any heart problems or potential stroke problems. I was given Lorazepam and Effexor and sent on my way. No one tried to figure out why I started having severe panic attacks when I had never had one before in all of my 56 yrs. Could it be the chronic pain that I had been living with. Had my body had enough?
Who knows.
This is where I am at today. 56 yrs old, very overweight and suffer from joint pain that pretty much makes most forms of exercise impossible. I do walk as much as I can and I know the pool would be good for me, but I can't bear to be seen in a bathing suit. I do know one thing and that is that I need to get a big chunk of this weight off or I will not live to be old. I can feel my body telling me that it's past time to do something. Also, my right knee is very bad. Often it feels like it might give out under me and I'm sure I will need a replacement knee before long. I doubt if I would even be a candidate for surgery at 100 lbs. overweight. Yes, I need to lose 100 lbs. But, I can't think of it like that. I'm going to lose one pound at a time. Just the way that I put all of this armor on my body. That's how it needs to come off.
I desparately need help. I'll be your support if you will be mine. Last night, I stayed up late and ate everything I could find in the house that didn't have to be killed first to eat. Today, I hate myself.
I'll tell a bit about myself, so you won't be scared off. :laugh: I'm married to a great thin guy who eats to live. He doesn't understand my love affair with food. However, he doesn't judge me, since he has a couple vices of his own. Between us, we have 5 grown kids and 11 gr. kids. The loves of my life. I also have two fur kids, my constant companions.
I'm a quilter, my passion. I also knit , crochet and love to garden. I love to read and can lose myself in my books. I have some wonderful friends that I love and that love me, but my friends don't have my weight problem and they tell me they love me just the way that I am and I shouldn't beat myself up over my weight. But, like I said they are not fat and do not understand that I am a food addict. Which I am. I love to laugh , talk, take road trips with my girlfriends, play with my gr. kids, all of which I do, but its getting harder to keep up. The fat, my enemy, is in the way. I am blessed with a very good life, it wasn't always so, but my life is very good now and I want to be able to enjoy all of it.
Please be my friend and confidant in this struggle and I'll be there for you also. I know you are out there and need someone just like I do. I hope we find each other.

dd