Self-Sabotage, again. How do you conquer it?

castadiva

I've been on MFP since last September. In that time, I've lost 40lbs - almost three stone. Almost all of it between September and early March. I feel better about myself most days, and am only 6kg away from my first goal. However, I've been at this point before, more than once, and have always reached a certain point - roughly where I am now - and started self-sabotaging. I lose the will, the interest - something subconscious takes over, and despite wanting to continue, I find myself doing all the wrong things. Yesterday, I ate a 100g bar of Green & Black's Milk Chocolate, without even thinking about it. I also ate more bread in one day than I've eaten in the previous week. My calories were just under maintenance, but that's hardly the point.

Last time, the thing that seemed to tip the balance seemed to be meeting the man I thought was the 'one'. It would be easy to blame the externals this time - he just got engaged to the girl he'd just broken up with when we first met, leaving me with a large pile of regrets and 'if only's', my mother is visiting (she's depressed, needy, expensive, broke and cooks like a French chef), and my professional life is a currently a big pile of failure, which I'm struggling to see a way out of. I have three jobs, the only one which matters to me is losing out badly to the need to make money, and I live with and care for a 92-year-old, because I'm partially supporting my mother and sister as well as myself, and that's the only way I can afford to live in London, which is where I need to be for the job I care about. Personal time is virtually nonexistent, and I use my commute from day-work to evening-work/home for exercise, because that's the only time I have. Yes, right now I'm feeling sorry for myself, and maybe I'm wallowing a little. But I think it goes deeper than that.

I look in the mirror, 40lbs down, in much better shape, and I still see all the things I hate, that will take maybe another 40lbs or more to get rid of - some that may never go away, and I wonder if I will ever achieve a body I like, or ever feel good enough - personally, professionally, or about my weight. I convince myself to get dressed up to go out for the evening, I feel momentarily that I look good, and then I can't meet the eyes of any male in the room, because I still feel too self-conscious. I'm tall, with a large physical structure, and I'm a UK16-18 (US12-14). 40lbs lost is roughly a size and a half- ish on my frame. Logically, I know that the smallest I'll ever be is a UK 12-14, and that I'm holding myself to an unreasonable and unachievable standard - I'm not built to be a sylph. I also know that I turn 30 next month, and that in my social world, the chances of finding a boyfriend, and eventually a husband - something I want very much; a partner to share a life with, someone to have kids and make a home with - are significantly decreased by being overweight, and older than the nubile nymphettes who abound. Professionally, excess weight also hurts my chances. I have to get the rest of this off, and it has to stay off, if I'm to achieve any of the things I most want to. And I'm getting in my own way.

If you've got this far (sorry, I really needed to get that off my chest!), How have you tackled this? What has worked for you? I don't want to be here again an another two years, losing the same 40lbs all over again, with a few extra added on for good measure. I'm not sure I could face it again, to be honest - I've been dieting in one form or another since I was 8. This has to be the time I win, but I have to get out of my own way first. In my head, as much as anything else. I need your help. What strategies have worked for you?

lil_pulp

Therapy? You've been dieting since you were young, so clearly your body image issues (and probably food issues too) go way back. If you're open-minded and willing to commit to really dealing with painful stuff, therapy can be amazing. (Of course, finding the right therapist and coming up with the money can be challenges...) Good luck.

Flissbo

don't feel bad, lots of us have days where we regret what we've eaten. I've pigged out all bank holiday and feel horrible today, but it will pass, and today's a new day and we can start over :-)

And I am the same in that it's taking my brain a long time to catch up on my weightloss, again, I'm sure that's very normal

Add me if you like, I'm near London (end of the central line!)

mamaomefo

Be very proud you lost 40 lbs, first of all. Great loss! That is a huge accomplishment. If you've done it once you CAN continue on.
Taking car of an elderly person can be difficult in and of itself. But you are also taking care of others. Your time for yourself is quite limited. Make the most of any free time you have. Exercise as much as you can. Exercise has a way of helping clear the head. You desperately need some time for yourself. When your Mom visits ask her to take are of the elderly one, or ask your sister to. That seems the least they can do for you since you are assisting them. Do you have a friend who can sit while you take just a few minutes for yourself? If you get time, please walk. Or exercise in some fashion. It will help work out the "I'm sorry for myself" feelings. Good luck and add me if you would like. I've taken care of my mom at times when her health gets bad and it is not easy! I hear you.

lorro

Hi Diva. I'll reply properly later but for now may I just say well done on posting and I am sending you ((Big Hugs)) over the ether!! :flowerforyou:

hookandy

We have lost about the same amount so far. Add me and I will do what I can to help. I have found that little goals seem to work and just getting back up and re-starting when you faulter seems to work for me.

If you have a bad morning, go for a walk at lunch and make better choices in the afternoon.

I had a great weekend camping with friends and have found that booze is not only full of calories, but makes for poor food choices! I am sure I would not have had the cheese board and chosen a light pudding if it was not for the beer drunk.

We all have lives outside of MFP, we are in this for the long term. I have realised that I will be tracking from now on, but I can make my live fit into the number, mainly.

jlskelton2s

A few years ago I decided I needed to lose some weight and I lost about 30lbs and just gave up. I was proud of myself for getting where I was, so I just quit dieting because I thought that I was good to go because I was in a better place. Boy, was I wrong. Beginners mistake, I suppose, but needless to say, I gained it all back plus some. I want it gone again so badly, but I'm really having a hard time getting control over myself. I feel like we might be having a similar problem.

castadiva

Thanks everyone for your replies (and especially to lorro for the hugs!) - this is something I'm really struggling with at the moment, and have struggled with before, so it is great to have some support here; something that is rather lacking in my offline life at the moment, I'm afraid. To address some things specifically...

Therapy - tried this a while back, having been diagnosed as a borderline compulsive eater, but what killed it in the end was time. I'm self-employed, effectively, so if I'm not at one of my jobs, I don't get paid. Made it very difficult to take an hour a week, plus travel time, to go to an appointment. I probably will have to try again at some point, maybe from a different angle, but right now, fitting anything else in is just about impossible. I can't even find the time I need to be dedicating to practise at the moment.

My mother and sister both live on different continents to me, and are both dealing with their own challenges right now, so it's difficult to get them to help/provide emotional support. Mum has been helping with the elderly lady while she's been staying, but her plans are so fluid that it's difficult to make my own plans around them. I walk as much as possible - my commute exercise is mostly walking, with an occasional cycle thrown in, and once in a blue moon, when I can squeeze the time, a dance/zumba class, which I love.

Thanks for the friend adds and invites - they are much appreciated.

lorro

Diva, apologies in advance if this isn't quite the type of reply you were looking for. As they say, "it's not you. It’s me" :laugh:

Firstly I think the pattern you describe of getting so far, losing so much and then running out of steam, losing focus and gaining is a very common one. It's taken me 3 serious attempts and various half hearted ones to get to a point where I know this will work for me. When I look back at how I got here and see the process others go through, it's all about getting yourself in the right frame of mind, managing mood driven setbacks and making time in your life for exercise. I thought I gave up when I just got too distracted and busy. But in retrospect it was primarily intolerance of boredom and routine. I had limited options to make it easier e.g. to make exercise more pleasurable as I was doing 3 jobs at the time. What has made a difference are the following: I invested time in motivating myself using an approach I know works, I identified all my self defeating thinking and stayed on top of it, I changed jobs - there are still half the hrs in the day that I need but I have more control so can get out for an hour a day most days to do exercise I enjoy.

Here is the self help book that for me marked the change in attitude that ultimately made the difference: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Weight-Problems-Jeremy-Gauntlett-Gilbert/dp/1845290682/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1339069632&sr=1-6

I have no problems with low mood or low self esteem other than the usual ups and downs, but still negative thinking (which in turn led to poor food and exercise choices) was a significant issue. If I was you I'd start with basic mood management relating to dieting as described above, but in all likelihood given the way you feel about yourself, more targeted help may be needed. Therapy would be best, but if there is no way you can manage it then it really is worth giving self help a try, given the level of insight you have. There is a huge evidence base as to it's effectiveness and if you go to the NHS for help now, they usually have a stepped care approach with guided self help as the first option for most problems/people and one to one therapy if that fails or the problems are more severe from the outset.

I look in the mirror, 40lbs down, in much better shape, and I still see all the things I hate, that will take maybe another 40lbs or more to get rid of - some that may never go away, and I wonder if I will ever achieve a body I like, or ever feel good enough - personally, professionally, or about my weight.

This is the primary problem. Self hatred is toxic. It will sap your motivation. It kicks you when you are down. It may appear to be about weight, but often it does not go away when the weight is lost, it just shifts to something else. Even if the self hatred is only about weight, the feelings of not being good enough sound more pervasive and will have a similar, albeit less toxic effect. You deserve more than this. It's way more important than weight loss. It's your life and happiness. Please give yourself a fair chance and put yourself first so that you can have the life you deserve, that you have worked so hard for. As for your responsibilities to others, it's like they say in all the aeroplane safety talks, attend to yourself first and then others. If people rely on you, that's all the more reason to take care of yourself. I can tell from what I know of you on here that you as a minimum have artistic and musical talent, are very pretty, have a passion for life, are kind and caring. None of that seems to register in your assessment of yourself. That's so unfair!:frown: :flowerforyou:

There is a lot that can be done about addressing this, but it's difficult to know where to start without more information. For now I'll post a link to a site with good evidence based courses which are free. http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm

The self esteem module may be the best place to start, but you may also want to look at the ones on eating problems and low mood, possibly on perfectionism too if the problem of high standards affects many other areas of your life. These should help if you have some flexibility in your thinking styles at the moment.

If the self criticism habit is too hard to break having done these and if it is at the level where shame is a regular mood problem, then a compassion focussed approach is better. This work is best done in person as the emotion is so high it's harder to do alone, especially if there is a sense of threat to making changes which is common. There are some good resources online that describe the approach and I'd certainly have a go, in preference to doing nothing so I'll post a link for this too. http://www.compassionatemind.co.uk/resources/Clinical+patient+handout+April+30+v2.pdf

Good luck Diva :flowerforyou:

castadiva

Just in case I don't get a chance to reply properly today, wanted to say thank you, Lorro - your support and insight is much valued :flowerforyou: Will hopefully have a chance to say more later.

lorro

You're welcome. Now I've met you I can revise my last post from very pretty to absolutely beautiful :bigsmile: :flowerforyou:

castadiva

:blushing: Bless you Anji! It was so lovely to meet you (and to confirm my suppositions about your professional affiliations! )

seamaiden1000

You come across as not only extremely gifted but also as highly motvated, persistent, intelligent and sensitive. Success will come, but only when it is meant... Furthermore, you are deeply caring and feeling stretched emotionally with all that is going on around you. I had a similar problem with an elderly parent that involved all manner of things beyond belief... Fraud, crime, overseas embezlments... Things that were so removed from how I move in the world and are meant to happen only on TV or otherwise shady characters, NOT to feeble old stroke victims who happen to be your beloved father and from people who are part of your very extended family... Then came in the other clowns, lawyers, barristers , bankers and the judicial system.... Still happening by the way...

I developed comfort eating, especially as i am the only child and standing on my own, and like you while I could loose the weight, I would bump it up again when I was near my goal. Unlike you I never put on as much. After my father died, and I am still carrying the can and ongoing legals as there is the big issue of justice and accountability of so called professionals as well... Other crazy events began to occur. Beginning with the timing of my fathers death and from the time of his death. That said I do believe in spirit. Call on it. I humbly accept that I need to go through whatever divine providence has set out for me, however, you CAN ask for strength and enlightenment in what is actually happening and what to do. It does come. This was an amazing revelation to me. Have faith, ask, and start listening to the whispers...

On a more practical level by way of helping myself cope with the weight issue I developed insight enough to realise that the reason I was eating up again just as I was nearing my goal was a deep fear of being left starving and out on the street! I discovered that I believed that I needed a certain amount of fat to survive going hungry or not being able to afford to feed and shelter myself. I felt alone and lonely in my struggle inspite having others around me. It all tied in with always 'priding' myself in the strength of my direction and my capacity. All this changed. I too had to change and accept vulnerability in myself. Things were further complicated my peri menopausal symptoms such as increased anxiety, sleeplessness, predisposition to,depression, forgetfulness etc... I needed to recognise that and educate myself on practical levels. Then began the time to process and adjust the attitude.

Like you, a long term planner, perhaps a bit of a borderline 'control freak', set me up to worry... I could not afford to be like that anymore as it was killing me. I had to develop faith in divine providence on a deeper level and an attitude of not 'why me', but, 'why NOT me!' for both negatives AND positives!! Yes, positives too, as you may never have imagined them, just remain flexible and more open minded. In your case, so what if Mr Right is not there YET!! I have a girlfriend who after two childless marriages adopted twin girls who are absolutely magical. I am beside myself how much love can exist for flesh that is of not your flesh but you make part of you anyway. Something that calls on you. Also you can consider freezing your eggs, though try not to aspire into becoming an Octomom!

Finally on a more philosophical note I always believed that these are unprecedented times of adjustment between men and women and the marriage game. Women are becoming less and less defined by marriage alone. This is to be celbrated, rise to the occassion! Divorce is a symptom of the immature, and uncommitted. On a more spiritual level, I believe that it is a blessing to find someone you love, it is a second blessing that they happen to love you back, and a triple blessing to have children. But these are not the only blessings as they also come with other grievances....

KetoBella

Sometimes when we focus on what seems to be a negative it is normal to assume that if only I could (insert wish here) all my problems would be over. I would be happier and more successful. I will find the perfect person to share my life with etc. That is the biggest reason people are disappointed when said wish comes true and it does NOT bring the expected happiness as expected.

You seem to be doing exactly that. You are close to the goal that you expected to bring you to a more perfect place and as the goal gets nearer you realize that isn't working out the way you had hoped. Do you lose motivation, and feel let down believing it isn't worth the effort afer all?

Attitude is major, and only you have control of that. Body size, social status, age or gender is no guarantee of happiness. When you look for the joy to come from life that isn't dependent on what size you wear, or the job you have, you will start to appreciate the moment you have to live right now.