Extra Attention

legnarevocrednu

So I'm kinda excited to be posting this topic. However, I have some questions. I have lost 85 pounds and I feel like I have entered a whole new world. Guys are paying more attention to me...and not always the good kind of attention. I feel like I'm getting addicted to it and I'm putting myself in positions to get it. My best friend says I don't know how to be mean. I talk to anyone/everyone who approaches me. I just feel the need to be polite. I can not imagine myself being mean to people, but she says that sometimes it's necessary or they will keep coming at you. I am not USED to the attention and am not sure on how to adjust to it or handle it. Also, how NOT to go overboard. I can see myself going in that direction. I'm single, and am just trying to have some fun. I'm enjoying my new life to the max. I'm curious as to how you have handled this adjustment...what you did/didn't do. I should also mention that I go out dancing once or twice a week and men approach me quite frequently. I'm still shocked about that...anyways, just looking for some input and I'm curious to see how others adjusted to the extra attention after losing a significant amount of weight. Thanks!

rossi02

It's crazy going from one end of the specturm to the other. I don't think you have to be mean to anyone, but can make it clear that there are lines not to be crossed. Anyone that had the courage to approach me and my friends to say hello, I would smile and say hello back. If I were interested in them, I would engage in more conversation.. if not, I would say hello, then go back to what I was doing prior. If they didn't take that hint, I would usually respond with, "sorry, in deep conversation with my girls now". If they were rude, or kept trying after that I would pretty much ignore them. The only times I responded in a "mean" manner would be if someone tried to grab me, or touch me inappropriately. That would get a very stern and loud “Hands off”. Usually loud enough to get the attention of others around.. it always impressed me how the good guys would quickly jump to the defense of girl telling someone to leave her alone.

legnarevocrednu

Bump

MinnieInMaine

There's nothing "mean" about being a little assertive and standing up for yourself. Some guys might interpret it that way, but that's their problem, not yours. Remember that what some random guy (and/or his friends) thinks about you doesn't matter at all in the long run. Much more important is the respect for yourself...and maybe that of those closest to you.

I like the advice of hsrossi. You can be polite to a point but when they start being inappropriate, this is the time to be VERY clear about what's ok and what's not ok. Ignoring and subtleties don't always work. Be honest - if you don't want a guy around, tell him so.

PunkyRachel

I am 5'5 and down from a size 18 to a size 14, still a long ways from my goal. I don't go to clubs or bars. I have had more men, flirt/hit on me lately. I'm not used it it, yet either. Just last week, a random guy while out shopping, told me I was beautiful and I was polite and was all "Well, Thanks" and then he asked if I was single and again I was nice, " yea I'm married" and then he was all "oh, well have a wonderful day" I was like yes, you too before walking on. I was flattered and felt good because someone other than my hubby found me attractive. Then I could hear him talking to himself behind my back, saying how he'd like to get with "that body". Yea, not so flattering anymore the thought of a random guy fantasizing about your body. So gross, I think.

I'm a nice person, but I have problems being assertive. I need tips too, so not used to it yet, lol

juliecat1

First of all congrats on your weight loss!
It's kind of like entering the twilight zone isn't it. Going from invisible to daaaaaayum. Lol
I don't think you have to be mean to anyone either. But be careful the vibe you give out to people you wouldn't actually be interested in. If you aren't attracted to them, don't want to dance with them... Don't encourage them to hang around by flirting, accepting drinks, etc... Attention is great but you don't have to take it from everywhere it comes. You now have the luxury of picking. Fun huh.

legnarevocrednu

There's nothing "mean" about being a little assertive and standing up for yourself. Some guys might interpret it that way, but that's their problem, not yours. Remember that what some random guy (and/or his friends) thinks about you doesn't matter at all in the long run. Much more important is the respect for yourself...and maybe that of those closest to you.

I like the advice of hsrossi. You can be polite to a point but when they start being inappropriate, this is the time to be VERY clear about what's ok and what's not ok. Ignoring and subtleties don't always work. Be honest - if you don't want a guy around, tell him so.

I think one instance that is sticking out is that my friend and I were obviously in a discussion and this guy just comes right up to us and starts hitting on me. I just smiled, introduced myself and shook his hand while my friend didn't even acknowledge him and was obviously pissed that he interrupted. The guy stuck around because I was polite at first, but then I did eventually tell him that I was trying to talk to my friend and he left. She has no problem being mean, but gets upset with me when I'm polite to people. She says I have to get used to ignoring people. She's been thin and beautiful her whole life so I can see how she's used to people hitting on her. I, however, am not, and feel like I'm still trying to adjust. I don't know. I guess it's just a learning experience for me. Thanks for your responses!

legnarevocrednu

First of all congrats on your weight loss!
It's kind of like entering the twilight zone isn't it. Going from invisible to daaaaaayum. Lol
I don't think you have to be mean to anyone either. But be careful the vibe you give out to people you wouldn't actually be interested in. If you aren't attracted to them, don't want to dance with them... Don't encourage them to hang around by flirting, accepting drinks, etc... Attention is great but you don't have to take it from everywhere it comes. You now have the luxury of picking. Fun huh.

Thank you! I think that is my problem. I guess a part of me is thinking that any attention is better than no attention, but I know that's not healthy at all. I just try to treat everyone the way I would want to be treated if I went up to someone. I don't flirt with those I'm not interest in, but I believe guys do confuse my politeness with interest.

Polly758

Just remember that your body is not public property, and that YOU are the only judge and jury about your self and your time. When you look at it that way, now who's the mean one?

Sure some people believe that they have a right to you, they call you "mean" or "*****" because they don't get their way... They feel entitled to a pretty woman's attention... Correct that. You are judge, jury, and executioner.

Gilbrod

Whoa whoa whoa whoa wait a minute....you're from Jersey, and you're not mean?! BS!!!!!

Ephena

I'm in a similar situation and it can be really confusing and a bit intimidating. I have a favorite bar that I go to regularly and have for about a year now. It's allowed me to set up a bit of a comfort zone but the attention I get has gone up as my weight has gone down. I'm also finally (although not always) started to become more comfortable with my new figure and that confidence along with the bravado to dress the way I've always wanted also attracts attention. My best friend actually just told me this last weekend that I'm not invisible, she gets a bit of a kick out of telling me when a guy check me out because she knows I can be really oblivious since I just don't expect it.

Your friend sounds a bit stuck up, sorry but her ignoring a guy because he had the guts to come up to a couple of pretty ladies and say hi is just rude. Being polite costs you nothing and you can gain great friends that way. If a guy is getting pushy then yeah you could ask or tell him to back off but to just not acknowledge another person is rude, b*tchy, and tends to lean towards a lack of character. You've done something about being overweight, your friend can't change her being a jerk. Outer beauty fades, inner doesn't.

legnarevocrednu

Whoa whoa whoa whoa wait a minute....you're from Jersey, and you're not mean?! BS!!!!!

I'm definitely waaaayyyy too nice for this state!

legnarevocrednu

it can be really confusing and a bit intimidating....I can be really oblivious since I just don't expect it.

Exactly this!! I agree that my friend can be really mean. I just think that she's so used to being hit on, that she's to the point of annoyance. She tells me I send the wrong message by being nice. Oh well!

Ephena

it can be really confusing and a bit intimidating....I can be really oblivious since I just don't expect it.

Exactly this!! I agree that my friend can be really mean. I just think that she's so used to being hit on, that she's to the point of annoyance. She tells me I send the wrong message by being nice. Oh well!

Something I just thought of...I had a friend (great start right?) who has the tendency to get extremely jealous when guys pay attention to women other than her. Your friend maybe used to the attention and even expect it but if you're the nice friendly one of the two hot girls standing there guess who the guy is more than likely actually interested in. So she might actually be a bit jealous of the attention you're getting and is trying to do something about it. Just some food for thought...

legnarevocrednu

it can be really confusing and a bit intimidating....I can be really oblivious since I just don't expect it.

Exactly this!! I agree that my friend can be really mean. I just think that she's so used to being hit on, that she's to the point of annoyance. She tells me I send the wrong message by being nice. Oh well!

Something I just thought of...I had a friend (great start right?) who has the tendency to get extremely jealous when guys pay attention to women other than her. Your friend maybe used to the attention and even expect it but if you're the nice friendly one of the two hot girls standing there guess who the guy is more than likely actually interested in. So she might actually be a bit jealous of the attention you're getting and is trying to do something about it. Just some food for thought...

I don't think that's the issue. She gets more than enough attention. I think she was just mad he interrupted our conversation lol. And she's always mad when I talk to guys who she believes "aren't good enough"...I don't really discriminate...unless they are a weirdo. And you have to talk to them to discover that!

saxmaniac

You sound like a kind person, and your friend sounds like someone who repels both jerks and decent men.

It depends on what you think of as mean. "Sorry, not interested" isn't mean. In fact, it's much nicer than soft rejections like "Maybe".

Mean would be "get the hell out of my face you creep" and throwing your drink in his face. That's justified if a man won't leave after "sorry, not interested" or grabs you.

Remember that guys who approach you are sensitive to the vibe you put out. If you've lost weight and feel more confident, they'll pick up on that far more than your weight. Plenty of heavy women get LOTS of attention, and it's their friendly vibe that causes it.

Stay being kind.

legnarevocrednu

You sound like a kind person, and your friend sounds like someone who repels both jerks and decent men.

It depends on what you think of as mean. "Sorry, not interested" isn't mean. In fact, it's much nicer than soft rejections like "Maybe".

Mean would be "get the hell out of my face you creep" and throwing your drink in his face. That's justified if a man won't leave after "sorry, not interested" or grabs you.

Remember that guys who approach you are sensitive to the vibe you put out. If you've lost weight and feel more confident, they'll pick up on that far more than your weight. Plenty of heavy women get LOTS of attention, and it's their friendly vibe that causes it.

Stay being kind.

Thank you! I do believe I have a lot more confidence. I'm sure that's half the reason I've been getting approached. I don't know how to turn off being nice so I guess it's just something she will have to put up with. Haha.

myfitnessnmhoy

Whoa whoa whoa whoa wait a minute....you're from Jersey, and you're not mean?! BS!!!!!

Didn't you hear? In addition to banning pumping your own gas, large sodas, and texting while walking on the sidewalk, New Jersey has a requirement that all pets must wear a seatbelt and all pretty women must drop whatever they are doing to respond to come-ons from any passing stranger.

EDIT: Just realized "large soda" ban was New York, wasn't it? Well, they're all Yankees fans so I lump them all together anyway. (big grin)

emmuci

It's naturally for men to approach you. And you don't have to be mean, you just have to know the boarders and feel yourself comfortable And it's a great thing to be kind! It's really great, as long as some don't try to take advantage of you, that is when you have to be a bit ''mean''