Dating After Divorce

EDesq

So I've been separated from my wife for about two-months now and I've been dating somebody. I can see things are moving quickly but we have quite a bit of chemistry together, very surprising to me. I didn't really go into this relationship with any expectations and was just going to take it one day at a time, but I do find myself getting closer to her. I have about 3-months left on my lease before I'm going to leave and my initial plan was to get myself a small one-bedroom apartment. However, I'm getting the sense that as we get closer we might discuss living together. I'm really not sure how to feel about that. I don't want to jump too fast into anything but I can't ignore the chemistry we seem to have. I guess I have a little time left before I need to make any decisions.

Anybody care to talk about their post-divorce dating and how quickly it was before they moved on and got serious with somebody else?

WOW! You started "dating" 2-3 months after divorce and separation. No offense but was it over before the papers? I have been separated now 12 months and just now feel that I am ready to start dating again...wouldn't even think about LIVING with someone. I don't know, but I have heard that some people feel that the way to get over a relationship is to "hop right back on the horse." I think that is crazy, if it was a serious relationship it takes time to digest what happened in the relationship and what your own life is about. I have learned that the 1st person is usually a REBOUND (especially if you had no time to digest what has happened), you just want to "feel good" about yourself after going through a "demeaning process" like separation...When you come back to yourself, you may realize that the person is nothing that you want.

For Me, because I am a monogamous person and enjoy the committed Life, the separation/divorce process was despicable, so I had a lot of soul searching to do Mainly because I want to marry in the future and I do NOT want to REPEAT that process. My Partner was already in a relationship within 2 months after we separated. I refuse to compete in something like that, I refuse to join a race to the bottom because I want so much more for My future.

EDesq

OP - 12 years is a long time. You need to take some time and grieve that relationship. Don't jump into another big commitment, you will regret it, because you will likely bring your relationship baggage with you. Enjoy your time getting to know yourself again.

TOTALLY AGREE!

EDesq

The best advice I can give is to give yourself time to heal.


After mine, the best advice I got was this: Would you give someone a broken gift? No, right? If not, then don't try to give them a broken heart. Let your heart heal before you give it to someone else.


Take some time, whether you think you need it or not. You'll thank yourself in the future.

I Really Like that!!!

JodiSW

When I was newly divorced I was internet dating and met someone who was amazing! We were totally enthralled with each other. He wanted me to move in with him (he'd been single for several years). I didn't. And I'm glad. It turned out that it was really the pheromones talking...and my need to feel accepted after the end of a 10 year marriage that left me questioning my judgment and my value as a woman.

For me, I needed to understand the difference between really wanting to be with a specific person versus not wanting to be alone. I think when you've been with someone a long time it's hard to be with just yourself. Don't get me wrong...he was amazing. But not the right one.

I'd recommend taking some time to regroup. If it's right then there's time to cohabitate. If it's not right you have a place to retreat.

LooseWheel

Interesting topic but one that needs talking seriously about. I agree in the taking it slow part. After separating you SERIOUSLY need to find yourself again. There is time between separating and finalising divorce but both things are huge emotional drainers and do need their own time for all thoughts to come out and get dealt with. You need to deal with all thoughts that keep going around in your head so you can EFF off the ones you dont need to waste time on and ones you do need to spend time contemplating their reasons for being there in the first place.

Find out what it is you want and what it truly is you need now and for your near future. Its been 'us' as the couple part recently prior to divorce, so now its just 'me', you need time to find out what that 'me' part wants to do prior to going back into another 'us' situation. You need to re-assess things so it doesn't just end up as the bounce back relationship. One you run into.

On the other hand, you cant ignore true gut feelings of 'clicking' with someone because when you first separate you often go towards negative thoughts of "I'll never find love again". You also have the benefits of things being better financially with having two people live together. There are serious positives and negatives to consider. Of all things, you can think also that you have the ability to survive when 'things' dont work out. You've made it so far. break ups are hard. Take this op to get a small place of your own and find 'you' again hey, if thats what you find you really need right now. You get to date, you get to go out, you get to sleep over each others places but then you also have that ultimate freedom and escape when needed of coming home to YOUR place. Think it over.

Go with your gut as your mind will fight with you over this. Best thing to do over the next few weeks is to write your thoughts down and see what list they go to. Is it a 'left side of the brain' thought being logical and mindful over your thoughts and decisions. Left side thinkers are often dog lovers, good at maths (Google it, its facinating stuff!) or is the 'right side of the brain' taking over emotionally, the feeling, creative, dreamer side. Right now I reackon you are being in a tug of war between both and this needs to get sorted out prior to making 'BIG' decisions like living with someone new. They each have their place mate, so dont ignore those thoughts that come to mind. Look it up and see whats driving your thought processors. Writing them down not only gets them 'out' of your head for some peace but also gives you the opportunity to re-read later and think things over.

Of all things. Best of luck. I think its awesome you are in a position like this where you are able to take control and reassess your goals and aims in life hey. Just think, of all things, this is the time for YOU! I am so sure my husband would be thinking the same things!! I dont know where I sit right now, but thats just another thing all while approaching our 15 year anniversary :huh: Thats life hey I do know, I need to think about me and what it is I want right now, we have kids, we have responsibilities, so to assess these fairly, they are being written down, talked about and taken 'out' of my head.

Here for a chat, vent, unwind anytime you need. Thats the counsellor in me! I just spend too much time assessing myself thats all. And I tell ya, it doesn't bloody help other than create bigger tug of wars!!!! GGGrrrrrrrr

Cheers :drinker:
Lou

LooseWheel

Thanks.

I'm glad that I'm not the only one that seemed to be able to move on quickly, faster than I thought. If we do end-up living together it wouldn't be for a couple months at least so we have more time to get to know each other.

On the other hand I am attracted to somebody else too but my current GF and I have such great chemistry I'd hate to give it up on a whim.

This thought alone says you gotta take a 'ME' break first matey. It also proves you are able to find another 'significant other' if there's currently interests and chemistry working on ya. That could also be a physical reaction too te he he. Just write it down and assess it all for yourself!!!

slkehl

Honestly getting your own place is probably best for her too if you two want to have the best chance of having things work in the long run.

MileyClimb

This!
The best advice I can give is to give yourself time to heal.


After mine, the best advice I got was this: Would you give someone a broken gift? No, right? If not, then don't try to give them a broken heart. Let your heart heal before you give it to someone else.


Take some time, whether you think you need it or not. You'll thank yourself in the future.

I have been divorced since 2003. I dated but really bad relationships much worse than my ex husband who was abusive. I needed to heal first and am still in the process of this . don't move to fast and go about that to soon in my experince in the relationships so soon after my divorce ended one way a total disaster.

mrsknotts

I had a similar situation. I did move into the one bedroom apartment, and then he did too its small and cramped with no storage and only one of us can be in the kitchen at a time: and its the best thing that ever happened to me. I jumped in head first and will never look back. When it's right its right and timing is never good but do what will make you happy not what makes sense the two dont always line up

HotCuppaJo

My suggestion to you would be to get your apartment, have your own space, and get to know yourself again. :-)

Totally agree w/ this. My divorce was final in 2008 and though I've had a few 3-4 month relationships, I've found that I have really needed to find MYSELF again... I wouldn't rush into moving in together. It's not necessary, and allows you the time and space you need, (even if you don't THINK you do I wish you the best of luck w/ the divorce and the new relationship. :flowerforyou:

quietHiker

The best advice I can give is to give yourself time to heal.


After mine, the best advice I got was this: Would you give someone a broken gift? No, right? If not, then don't try to give them a broken heart. Let your heart heal before you give it to someone else.


Take some time, whether you think you need it or not. You'll thank yourself in the future.

^^^ I like this advice. I think to each their own...but I'd say definitely take some time to heal yourself and get the concept of "It's just me" in your head before you think about going to "It's me and you"

I'm not divorced, but I am dating someone who was divorced. He was in a 13 year marriage, and I know he didn't even consider dating anyone until after 2 years, and I think I might have been the first real serious relationship at the 4 year mark. We've been together for 3 years and I've loved every moment of it.

rileamoyer

Been there. Take it slow. It is easy to get chemistry, but you need to know yourself before you take on another relationship. It is way to easy to get stuck in a rebound.

UnderConstructionLuis

bump

KaciWood19

Also a similar situation here, my bf and his ex had a lot of problems, they hadn't been in love with each other for a while before they actually decided to seperate so when they finally did, both of them were ready to move on. They seperated in Juily of 2009, We started dating in Nov 2009, moved in together in Feb 2010. We had planned to move in together in May 2010 when my lease was up but due to financial reasons, ended up doing it sooner. We are still together, 3 years in Nov. BUT I wish we had take more time to just date. When you move in with someone, as i'm sure you know, it's a serious step in your relationship, you're not just casually dating anymore. At least, thats how it worked for me. So even tho I am one of the few who moved quickly in a relationship and it has lasted, I wish we had waited a bit longer to live together and just enjoyed dating. best of luck!

Felidae_1981

I want to add my own question here... The husband and I have "officially" decided we are separated a month ago. However, I haven't lived with him since June 2011 (he's away as a contractor).

So far things have been VERY unemotional for me. We are filing for a mutual divorce next week and have separated all assets out-of-court. Thus, there will be no court battles about anything. We also do not have any children.

Now the problem. I've been hanging out with a friend. We've known each other for a while, but somehow we havedeveloped a "chemistry" over the last couple of months which is undeniable, as in a friend asking me the other day after a night out with a bunch of people "ehm...do you guys have something going on?" to which the answer is currenlty "no". We've discussed it, but he is afraid of being the rebound guy (I know he's been the rebound guy before and it did not end well for him).

I guess my question is... should I give him time? Or is he not worth my time?

La_Amazona

No no no!!!

I got sep/ div mid-late last year. I started dating someone while seperated (we were heading towards divorce) and it was nothing but a rebound. We had "chemistry", etc etc, he treated me well most of the time and even though my marriage had been dead for a couple of years by then, I still needed to heal.

You're jumping from one serious thing to another. There is SO much that goes with a divorce. So much. Even if you were completely unhappy, it was over, ya'll barely talked, etc... People make the mistake and think that just because they're not broken hearted (I was NOT) when it's over, that they're healed. This is false.

I purposely set out to be alone for a while after that rebound. I focused on myself. I overcame the fear of being alone, lonely, bored. It was great!! I'd date here and then.. and I'd pull back if I still felt not ready.

There are SO many fish in the sea!!! Take the time to get to know YOU before you make another mistake. I'm not saying your gf is but you need to learn about what you want/ need in a future spouse/ gf BEFORE you have the gf.

I'm now in my 1st real relationship after my divorce. I'm still learning as I go. Issues still arise from the past that I have to work on by MYSELF because it's not my bfs job to fix it for me. It's tough.

Take the time to enjoy yourself. Take the time to love on yourself. Take the time to learn you.

Though you might not consider yourself "broken", to a certain extent you are. Nobody gets married thinking they're going to end up in a divorce.

Broken attracts broken.

chrisb75

My story was similar to yours. Married 10 years, Decided to leave in July 2010, Moved out August 2010 and started seriously dating someone in September 2010. Ashley and I are still together, but we still live separately. There was no way either one of us would have been ready to move in together after we just met and both were still going through divorce. I lived in my apartment and she had her own house. That allowed both of us to find ourselves as we worked through the aftermath of our divorces. We both have young kids, so that complicates the issues, but the overall point is: Live on your own, find yourself, then take time to work through the baggage that comes with a divorce after a long marriage. (Ashley and I are STILL working on that!).

I will marry Ashley (5 years from now if she is reading this! :P, sorry inside joke), but the time we spent finding ourselves again was well worth it.

littlepinkhearts

Interesting topic but one that needs talking seriously about. I agree in the taking it slow part. After separating you SERIOUSLY need to find yourself again. There is time between separating and finalising divorce but both things are huge emotional drainers and do need their own time for all thoughts to come out and get dealt with. You need to deal with all thoughts that keep going around in your head so you can EFF off the ones you dont need to waste time on and ones you do need to spend time contemplating their reasons for being there in the first place.

Find out what it is you want and what it truly is you need now and for your near future. Its been 'us' as the couple part recently prior to divorce, so now its just 'me', you need time to find out what that 'me' part wants to do prior to going back into another 'us' situation. You need to re-assess things so it doesn't just end up as the bounce back relationship. One you run into.

On the other hand, you cant ignore true gut feelings of 'clicking' with someone because when you first separate you often go towards negative thoughts of "I'll never find love again". You also have the benefits of things being better financially with having two people live together. There are serious positives and negatives to consider. Of all things, you can think also that you have the ability to survive when 'things' dont work out. You've made it so far. break ups are hard. Take this op to get a small place of your own and find 'you' again hey, if thats what you find you really need right now. You get to date, you get to go out, you get to sleep over each others places but then you also have that ultimate freedom and escape when needed of coming home to YOUR place. Think it over.

Go with your gut as your mind will fight with you over this. Best thing to do over the next few weeks is to write your thoughts down and see what list they go to. Is it a 'left side of the brain' thought being logical and mindful over your thoughts and decisions. Left side thinkers are often dog lovers, good at maths (Google it, its facinating stuff!) or is the 'right side of the brain' taking over emotionally, the feeling, creative, dreamer side. Right now I reackon you are being in a tug of war between both and this needs to get sorted out prior to making 'BIG' decisions like living with someone new. They each have their place mate, so dont ignore those thoughts that come to mind. Look it up and see whats driving your thought processors. Writing them down not only gets them 'out' of your head for some peace but also gives you the opportunity to re-read later and think things over.

Of all things. Best of luck. I think its awesome you are in a position like this where you are able to take control and reassess your goals and aims in life hey. Just think, of all things, this is the time for YOU! I am so sure my husband would be thinking the same things!! I dont know where I sit right now, but thats just another thing all while approaching our 15 year anniversary :huh: Thats life hey I do know, I need to think about me and what it is I want right now, we have kids, we have responsibilities, so to assess these fairly, they are being written down, talked about and taken 'out' of my head.

Here for a chat, vent, unwind anytime you need. Thats the counsellor in me! I just spend too much time assessing myself thats all. And I tell ya, it doesn't bloody help other than create bigger tug of wars!!!! GGGrrrrrrrr

Cheers :drinker:
Lou

I love this post!! I'm on my 3rd year of being separated after a long and difficult marriage from 1989 to the end of 2009. It ended abruptly and neither one of us saw it coming. His temper just flew off way beyond what either one of us had ever imagined. Now that it's over though, deep down i'm really happy and relieved but am left with all this crap clouding up my head. The relationship was emotionally and psychologically abusive from the beginning and it never got better. I've thought about a lot of stuff and have come to a lot of conclusions. 20 years is a lot of crap to be going over and is taking me sooooo long to sift through it to decipher where I went wrong and how I can work on my own issues. I've also come to the conclusion that his issues are not going to be fixable in the next 20 or so years and that's even being optimistic. I am in absolutely no rush to move on. Am completely enjoying the solitude and lack of emotional and psychological junk in my life. I can't even fathom the idea of having a relationship with anyone never mind a future mate. I've been living on my own for 3 years now and loving it. Can't even imagine enduring that cramped up feeling of having someone close to me again. But I know that's mostly the result of being "possessed and owned" by my ex. I know those feelings will go away eventually...at least I hope. I definately believe in taking your time to fix whatever needs to be fixed before opening yourself up to someone else on a full time basis. It's only fair I think. :drinker:

JNick77

Great responses everybody. How about this? How many of you ended up with somebody somewhat significantly older or younger, say minimum of 10 year difference in age?

Felidae_1981

The guy I'm into is 15 years older... and THAT is part of the attraction. Maturity is definately an issue with the ex...

But he doesn't look it