Worst Eating Day Ever

laurenbausch

Great advice! Prayer definitely helps...

Mandylynns81

Hi there. I do not respond to posts, generally I just read them for some inspiration, but yours caught my attention. I am a therapist who has worked in an Eating Disorder treatment center, and also a woman who has struggled with weight and body image for many years and the “all or nothing mentality” (i.e. complete control over what I consume vs. complete LACK of control.) In treating the girls I worked with I saw many cycle through phases of anorexia, bulimia, and both. I understand the shame involved in transitioning from anorexia to bulimia, the self-loathing and disgust to see yourself go from having impeccable control to feeling like you simply cannot control anything. The reality is, neither of these states are really a place of control, and both are dominated by such fear and shame.
The goal is to seek balance, right? I am wondering by reading your post, do you need more specialized treatment right now, or at least to be seen more often by your therapist? Are there underlying issues that are not being addressed- emotional issues that are driving the behaviors? As most of us on this site know, it is not really about the food. What else is happening there under the surface? After years of self-assessment and working with others that have suffered with this affliction, I personally have come to find that I overeat when I am depressed, emotional, feeling “empty,” lonely, anxious. The emotions create this “empty pit” feeling that really cannot be filled by food, no matter how hard I try. There is likely a problem that needs to be solved there; and it cannot be solved by total food restriction either. It might need to be addressed in another way; by making some life changes or changing the way you feel about yourself and treat yourself. You deserve happiness !!! and do not need to punish yourself. I hope this is somewhat helpful and I truly wish you the best of luck.

My ED was never really dealt with originally when I was at my most severe, because of other issues, including self harming, and at the time I was at my most severe, I lived in the countryside, and the doctor knew little about anorexia so simply left me to my devices and told my parents I would die. I know it is linked to being sexually abused as a child, at a point I was slightly plump, and was just entering puberty. There is a lot connected to that which has not left me and I tend to avoid even dealing with where I can. I was also told that I turn to EDs and my OCD to avoid experiencing my emotions. I do not work currently, as I am considered unfit to work, and apart from my bf, I don't have any contact in real life with anyone. I don't imagine this is helping me any. I used to have quite in depth interests that kept my mind busy, but lately, I have found it hard to get involved in anything, and so my interest has swung to weight and food again. Relationships also seem to be a trigger for my eating disorder issues. In between relationships, I seem to slip back into being relatively okay. I am guessing this is again connected to the abuse and my emotions. It is very tiring, and at 37, I have seen over half my life slip away with no real achievements, because of these EDs and various other issues. I wish there was a magical solution, such as to simply stop caring about my weight and food.

I wish there was a magic solution too!
It does sound like these issues you are experiencing are all interconnected. Sexual abuse is so strongly linked to Eating Disorders, self-harm, emotional difficulties in relationships, and many many other problems. Abuse can have such a lasting impact, but with the help, support, and love I believe you can reach a place of healing. Perhaps that is the issue that needs to be addressed first and the food/weight issues will get easier along the way.
Please do not punish yourself, or make yourself suffer any longer, due to someone else’s despicable actions. Sometimes when we have been taught by others, early in life that we are not worthy of love and respect, we continue to treat ourselves in this same way. It is not our faults, we were not taught any other way, but this is a cycle that can be broken.
Good Luck!

hannahchipmunk

I'm sorry to hear that you had a bad day. I have binge eating disorder as well and some days are absolutely awful!!! If you are tempted to buy "binge" foods at the grocery store, try not to shop while you are hungry or chew some gum while you are shopping. It is hard as heck, but keep trying your best!

I just went through the rest of the thread and read about some of your other troubles. Therapy can be tremendously helpful; it has definitely helped me.

graelwyn

Thankyou everyone who responded, I really appreciate the kindness and understanding I have come across on this site. It is a change to not have to step into my thread with fear, worrying someone might have been really harsh or unkind in response, which is what I sometimes experienced on various other non diet related forums.

Natty0506

Personally, I have a sugar intolerance. So whenever I eat anything that's sugary (processed only, not fruit), I get MASSIVE headaches. So I cut all bread (and anything that's made with wheat), processed sugar foods, pretty much anything that comes in a package out of my diet. I no longer have cravings for chocolate or baked goods (and if I do, it's VERY slight). It's made a world of difference in my life. :-)

bluegalcc

hUGS.HUGS,HUGS....you are very brave to share and am sure will take the positive from this experience. We have been there and know as you do that tomorrow is a new opportunity ....

foreverangel

OMG! I know exactly what you mean and totally feel your pain! This is exactly what I'm like

I would always say to myself: "I'm not gunna do a silly diet and I'm still going to allow a treat every day"

BUT.... this would always cause me to say i'll just have on biscuit.. or just half that ice cream.. but would always end up eating the whole lot and wonder why i ever tried to give up such nice tasting stuff in the first place.. but would somehow still feel guilty because I would just cave in and give up trying to lose weight.. and i never really lost anything.. in fact.. i just gained more weight every time i stopped "dieting"

But this time is different... I have totally cut out sweets, crisps, biscuits, chocolate etc because I know that, just like you, I cant just have one or a bit.. it was hard the first few days but i set myself goals.. every 8lbs i lose im allowing myself a treat.. and it just spurs me on to lose more.. I've lost 7lbs so far and get weighed again tomorrow and if ive lost one more pound then I get my first small treat im a bit nervous about it but I think I've built enough willpower because cutting them out all together as helped me to want them less and i dont even really miss them and I used to be a sugar junkie too!

So please take my advice and try to cut them out all together for a while and see how you get on! set yourself little goals!

I hope this helps!!

foreverangel -x

graelwyn

Personally, I have a sugar intolerance. So whenever I eat anything that's sugary (processed only, not fruit), I get MASSIVE headaches. So I cut all bread (and anything that's made with wheat), processed sugar foods, pretty much anything that comes in a package out of my diet. I no longer have cravings for chocolate or baked goods (and if I do, it's VERY slight). It's made a world of difference in my life. :-)

Aside from the odd vegetarian bake that has some wheat in the breadcrumbs, I don't tend to have wheat outside of these wretched binges. I used to have the same issue with toast, as with the sugary things, so I stopped buying bread and tend not to ever crave it really. I think I need to have a period of avoiding sugar and wheat as much as I possibly can to clean it all out and eliminate these cravings. I seem to get more intense issues with cake and cookies than I do with chocolate, so have wondered at times if I have an intolerance to wheat since oats bloat me badly, but it is incredibly difficult to cut so much out of your diet.

graelwyn

hUGS.HUGS,HUGS....you are very brave to share and am sure will take the positive from this experience. We have been there and know as you do that tomorrow is a new opportunity ....

Thankyou, and hugs back. I have stocked up on my cottage cheese, greek yoghurt, lots of strawberries and fruit and some less stringent main meals.

kayemme

you know, what ends up happening (at least how it happened for me) was that I cut sugar completely, then occasionally if I did have something sweet, I found it was *too* sweet and I don't really want the whole thing. There are times, sure, but they come fewer and fewer.

try recognizing your trigger and be aware. this will help. if you go cold turkey for 2 weeks, you'll feel amazing by the end of it.

SPNLuver83

Have you tried baking your own sweets using lightened up ingredients? I love sweets as well and doing this really works well for me. Check out my blog, I have some delicious recipes on there! I also find that eating a sweet breakfast helps cuts the cravings throughout the day

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/SPNLuver83

betrayalunknown

I am a recovering anorexic too. Currently, I am 5'6, 137~ lbs. When I was anorexic, I was at 89 lbs for months on end. It was scary.

I over eat daily too... (But now I will scarf down 2 bags of pre-sliced mushrooms and a bag of baby carrots instead of " healthy " cereal and crackers). I know I still have a problem with overeating, but at least I am overeating on fruits and vegetables. I know it is still bad, but it is a start.

Anyway,like you, I often wonder how I ever got to be 89 lbs. I was at 140 before I slowly dropped down to 89... and I did that in just months, too.

Think about this... as I just started wondering about myself and my over-eating tendencies compared to my no-eating tendencies of my past:

Do you think that sometimes we (as anorexics or recovering anorexics [we will ALWAYS be recovering for the rest of our lives]) over eat BECAUSE of the way we deprived ourselves in the past? Maybe, somewhere deep in our subconcious, our brains and bodies crave food because it doesn't know if we will starve it again. So once we get a taste... our bodies naturally want more because it is "scared" it might be the last thing that it eats...

Unfortunately, I have come to realize that I am a person of "extremes". It is either always too much or always too little. With food, emotions, spending money... everything. I am working on finding a happy medium so that I may be a happy person when it comes to all aspects of my life.

I wish you the best of luck. xo

graelwyn

I am a recovering anorexic too. Currently, I am 5'6, 137~ lbs. When I was anorexic, I was at 89 lbs for months on end. It was scary.

I over eat daily too... (But now I will scarf down 2 bags of pre-sliced mushrooms and a bag of baby carrots instead of " healthy " cereal and crackers). I know I still have a problem with overeating, but at least I am overeating on fruits and vegetables. I know it is still bad, but it is a start.

Anyway,like you, I often wonder how I ever got to be 89 lbs. I was at 140 before I slowly dropped down to 89... and I did that in just months, too.

Think about this... as I just started wondering about myself and my over-eating tendencies compared to my no-eating tendencies of my past:

Do you think that sometimes we (as anorexics or recovering anorexics [we will ALWAYS be recovering for the rest of our lives]) over eat BECAUSE of the way we deprived ourselves in the past? Maybe, somewhere deep in our subconcious, our brains and bodies crave food because it doesn't know if we will starve it again. So once we get a taste... our bodies naturally want more because it is "scared" it might be the last thing that it eats...

Unfortunately, I have come to realize that I am a person of "extremes". It is either always too much or always too little. With food, emotions, spending money... everything. I am working on finding a happy medium so that I may be a happy person when it comes to all aspects of my life.

I wish you the best of luck. xo

I was 70 Ibs at my worst, and 5'11. It shrunk my height to 5'9 and a half basically. It is possibly that the issues with binge eating are the body trying to avoid starving again, it is hard to say in my case, as I ate quite a lot as a child, following my abuse, especially sweet things. I am a person of extremes myself, for sure, and it is frustrating. I get stuck in ruts as well, in routines, but then I am mildly on the autistic spectrum so that is the reason for that, the problem being that being stuck in ruts of the sameness everyday, leaves more room to obsess over food as there is nothing else to fill the thoughts.

I do have fruit and healthy things around, but they do not always stop me. It has proven too easy on several occasions now, to call up the pizza place that stays open til 5am, and order in ice cream and cookies from there. That is what started off last night's binge. For some odd reason, I thought, 'Hey, I am full so why not buy this in and just have a little, and as a test of my self control, just put it in the freezer and have a little now and again'. I suppose at some level I hoped I could be normal just for once, or maybe part of me is deliberately sabotaging myself.