Fat Friends
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zoink66
Posts: 116 Member
This is kind of a sensitive topic, but I'm really struggling with it.
A lot of my friends are fat. A LOT. I've never been the biggest among them. I'm actually on the smaller side compared to them, even though I've been overweight for years.
But here's the thing--now I'm losing weight, and my friends aren't. And it's making me feel self-conscious and weird because they keep drawing attention to it. They aren't trying to sabotage me--not at all. But they do constantly draw attention to the fact that I'm losing weight and they're not. For example, we'll go out to lunch, I'll order a salad and my friend will order a cheeseburger, but all the while making comments along the lines of , "Oh, I should order a salad. I'm so bad. You make me feel like I'm not eating healthily. I just cannot lose weight like you." And I'm thinking in my head, "Order a salad once in a while and maybe you will," while saying out loud, "I don't care what you eat; it doesn't bother me."
At the office, my friends are constantly passing around cookies, cakes, sugary drinks, snacks of all kinds, and I just have to say "No, thank you" over and over again, and they actually look offended when I do. And these are shop snacks, not stuff they've made at home, so it's not like I'm insulting their baking. Then they say, "Oh, you're right, I shouldn't eat this either," and I feel bad because I've made them give up their snack. And no, it's not something I would eat but I don't care what other people eat--what people put into their mouths is their own decision, we're all adults and I figure adults can decide for themselves what they do or do not want to eat.
I've also just begun to realise how much of our social activities involve food and drink. I've tried skipping dinner and just coming over after people eat, but I still get too many questions and too many people saying, "Oh, you're so good. I should do the same," even the skinny girls! And drinking! This has been the hardest, I think. So much of my social life revolves around drinking and I'm so tired of explaining to people why I'm only having three beers and not getting completely wasted! I just want to say, "Yes, I would bloody love to get completely pissed with the rest of you but I simply cannot afford the calories!" Who ever thought I would have to justify drinking LESS?!
There's also the issue of constant body-bashing, which any woman on here will be familiar with, I'm sure. This is when we used to get together and say, "Oh god, my thighs are so fat, my face is so fat, my butt is too big, so-and-so is so thin, she's probably anorexic, I hate her," and basically pick apart every single physical aspect of every woman we've every seen or met. Well, now I'm working out every day, and I'm starting to like my body. I see muscles forming, and definition, and a smaller tummy and slimmer thighs and I'm really pleased with myself, and that I'm getting that way through hard work and sweat. I don't hate my body anymore. And I don't want to say nasty things about my body, or anybody else's body for that matter, because I'm beginning to understand that most slender people work to get that way and I am too.
So I need some advice from people here in the same situation as me. I love my friends; I want to be and stay friends with them, but their constant guilt and negativity is REALLY getting to me. I try not participating in the negative conversation, keep my opinions to myself, and suggest non-food activities, but they seem determined to make everything about weight. Is is possible to stay friends with your "fat" friends after you've made a lifestyle choice?
And I don't think they're just trying to sabotage me, even if they may feel a bit jealous that I'm losing weight. I just want an easy way to tell them that this is my lifestyle now, but I really don't pass any judgment on them. If they want to eat that second Blizzard, then by all means, go ahead. I just don't want to eat it with them.
Losing weight: it really is the hardest and simplest thing in the world.
A lot of my friends are fat. A LOT. I've never been the biggest among them. I'm actually on the smaller side compared to them, even though I've been overweight for years.
But here's the thing--now I'm losing weight, and my friends aren't. And it's making me feel self-conscious and weird because they keep drawing attention to it. They aren't trying to sabotage me--not at all. But they do constantly draw attention to the fact that I'm losing weight and they're not. For example, we'll go out to lunch, I'll order a salad and my friend will order a cheeseburger, but all the while making comments along the lines of , "Oh, I should order a salad. I'm so bad. You make me feel like I'm not eating healthily. I just cannot lose weight like you." And I'm thinking in my head, "Order a salad once in a while and maybe you will," while saying out loud, "I don't care what you eat; it doesn't bother me."
At the office, my friends are constantly passing around cookies, cakes, sugary drinks, snacks of all kinds, and I just have to say "No, thank you" over and over again, and they actually look offended when I do. And these are shop snacks, not stuff they've made at home, so it's not like I'm insulting their baking. Then they say, "Oh, you're right, I shouldn't eat this either," and I feel bad because I've made them give up their snack. And no, it's not something I would eat but I don't care what other people eat--what people put into their mouths is their own decision, we're all adults and I figure adults can decide for themselves what they do or do not want to eat.
I've also just begun to realise how much of our social activities involve food and drink. I've tried skipping dinner and just coming over after people eat, but I still get too many questions and too many people saying, "Oh, you're so good. I should do the same," even the skinny girls! And drinking! This has been the hardest, I think. So much of my social life revolves around drinking and I'm so tired of explaining to people why I'm only having three beers and not getting completely wasted! I just want to say, "Yes, I would bloody love to get completely pissed with the rest of you but I simply cannot afford the calories!" Who ever thought I would have to justify drinking LESS?!
There's also the issue of constant body-bashing, which any woman on here will be familiar with, I'm sure. This is when we used to get together and say, "Oh god, my thighs are so fat, my face is so fat, my butt is too big, so-and-so is so thin, she's probably anorexic, I hate her," and basically pick apart every single physical aspect of every woman we've every seen or met. Well, now I'm working out every day, and I'm starting to like my body. I see muscles forming, and definition, and a smaller tummy and slimmer thighs and I'm really pleased with myself, and that I'm getting that way through hard work and sweat. I don't hate my body anymore. And I don't want to say nasty things about my body, or anybody else's body for that matter, because I'm beginning to understand that most slender people work to get that way and I am too.
So I need some advice from people here in the same situation as me. I love my friends; I want to be and stay friends with them, but their constant guilt and negativity is REALLY getting to me. I try not participating in the negative conversation, keep my opinions to myself, and suggest non-food activities, but they seem determined to make everything about weight. Is is possible to stay friends with your "fat" friends after you've made a lifestyle choice?
And I don't think they're just trying to sabotage me, even if they may feel a bit jealous that I'm losing weight. I just want an easy way to tell them that this is my lifestyle now, but I really don't pass any judgment on them. If they want to eat that second Blizzard, then by all means, go ahead. I just don't want to eat it with them.
Losing weight: it really is the hardest and simplest thing in the world.
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Replies
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Hey, i don't really have anything profound to say here, I just want to let you know you're not alone in this. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "lifestyle change" I have found that fitness has really become a big part of my life, and people who do not have a similar lifestyle (either b/c they are fat and are not motivated enough to slim down... or they are naturally slim and don't understand that most of us have to work pretty hard just to maintain a "healthy" figure) just do not understand. they thin you spend too much time at the gym or are too worried about what you eat.. I think of it as sortof this excess baggage that you come with, that if you don't have it you just don't get it. Like having kids or something. you just don't understand the lifestyle/priority change until you experience it for yourself.
Honestly, I have no good advice. I don't want to tell you to give up your friends, but this might be a good opportunity to make some new friends too.. talk to people at the gym who are working as hard as you are... it will give you some positive reinforcement, and possibly help you have some non-eating, more healthy social activities, to counter-balance the food-and-booze fests you have to sit through w/ your "fat" friends.. good luck, and keep up the good work! it's a big testament to you that you can break the unhealthy cycle with all that tempation around you!0 -
Ditto - I have not much to add. Except this: I notice how much conversation revolves around weight and food, body parts, and jealous observations, etc. Could it be that if these friends didn't have these subject matters to talk about, they'd have nothing to talk about at all, and therefore no real association? These sound like acquaintences, not friends. As such, over time you'll form new friendships, and the old associations will fall away on their own.
In the meantime, you can certainly 'perk' things up a bit by remarking about your hard work, and how much you love the results; it's YOUR committment to yourself, and you're proud - why should you avoid tooting your own horn? Just like fat people are never apologetic about their weight (or so it seems these days), neither should you be ashamed of yours! Don't spare them out of guilt - they know there are things they could do to help themselves, and saving them the embarrassment of avoiding conversations about your own successes does nothing in fostering good relations either way. If it turns out they're offended by discussions about well-being, they're sick people and you don't need them. There is always a chance that even one person will take their cues from you and change something in a positive way that they avoided changing before.0 -
I think it takes time. I had the same issues at work.............people actually turned their styrofoam boxes around to hide what they were eating.
I walked up and said mmmmmmmmm what are you having today??
Oh..such and such....I really shouldnt be eating this, I am so fat!!
Oh stop that, I said, You are beautiful!!
Now I have ppl coming over to see what I ordered or brought for lunch. Comments like, I will try that because you eat so healthy.
It takes time for ppl to get used to the new you! Keep a positive outlook!
Your doing a wonderful job!!:flowerforyou:0 -
I dealt with this some time ago, when I was younger and lost a pretty drastic amount of weight (40ish pounds – and as a smaller person to begin with, this was pretty big). I always got the line “why not eat some of this? You certainly SHOULDN’T be watching your figure” and it was usually in reference to something sugary or processed and it was most always from someone with a weight problem. It really used to irk me. I’d politely decline and say I already ate or was not hungry. That (most of the time) ended the conversation, but at times it didn’t and the person would feel the need to go on about how thin people piss them off and indulgences are okay and blah blah blah.
I’m older now and get a cynical kick from watching how others eat. I watch young kids and parents who are pushing the obese level tip back sodas, fruit juice, sugar, “diet foods”, candy, and oh did I mention SUGAR? But yet the same people want to tell YOU how to eat and tell YOU how you’re unhealthy. It’s really a big old joke and it comes down to this – If you’ve found the key to keeping good health and weight then that’s YOUR decision. YOU are responsible for managing your life, not those other people. We in society cater to folks with chronic conditions like diabetes, food intolerances, and IBD/Crohns, but yet many cannot fathom catering to someone who is conscious of what they eat for general health and well-being or weight management. I get a lot of odd looks in that I’m a self-described “real-foodist.” I don’t really follow any crazes, I just eat a lot of whole vegetables, meat, eggs, fish, fruit, nuts, seeds, a bit of dairy, and avoid heavy starches and grains when possible. I rock it 1900s style. For some reason, this apparently means “LOL heart attack” to our diet-crazed society. Whatever.
I have overweight family members and friends. They certainly get a chuckle out of my eating habits and how I live. But seriously, if they were to stop for a bit and give a rat’s you know what about losing weight, I’d listen to them and help them out. But if they come off as condescending or put you on a guilt trip, my advice to you is to dish it right back. This isn’t a discussion of “OMG my thighs stick together in shorts” it starts to come down to a more serious discussion of “how do you like the thought of not being able to move?” “How do YOU like the implications of being a type 2 diabetic?” That’s about as real as it gets. Leading a poor lifestyle and eating like crap continually sets people up for problems in the long run. It’s not all about our weight, there’s a lot more that goes into our eating habits and well-being than many realize. A huge component of getting into better shape and eating better is feeling good about yourself and having more even moods, personality, etc (at least in my experience) AND having more insurance that you’ll be healthier as you age. Because honestly, I like the thought of being mobile and being able to goof off and stay an active adult more than I like the thought of having a flat stomach…haha. Describe those positive effects MORE than the effects fitness / nutrition has on your physical appearance and some may begin to listen.0 -
It sounds like you're handling it very well :flowerforyou:
You're not judging, you're not making nasty comments. You can't control how others act or feel. Maybe over time some of them will get the message and make some lifestyle changes of their own, but it's up to them. Just continue what you're doing; sounds fine to me!0 -
I agree with Hanne56 - sounds like you're doing fine. And AreWeThereYet gave some wonderful advice. In fact, perhaps the only thing you have to 'change' is how YOU are viewing this.
Everyone is responsible for themselves. You're doing what's right for you, and that's all you have control over. You have no control over the comments, or if they are feeling badly. As long as you are not intentionally making them feel bad there is nothing you can do about it - other thatn what AreWeThereYet has adviced - just being their friend, being kind. You can still be their friend and not take responsibility for them.
Ignoring the weight loss and just 'being' is probably your best bet around the people who are being convicted by the changes you've made in your life.0 -
this is totally a huge issue! i do not understand why every function or gathering has to be about food. sometimes people can be so awkward and have to draw attention to the amount, or my choice of food. the woman at work says that "it is her personal goal to get me to eat a cookie or some chips" i know that she is not trying to do it maliciously, but the last thing i want to do is draw attention to what ia m eating or not eating.
i personally would like to talk about something other than what i had for dinner, or what i brought for lunch. all i have been able to do is laugh about it, and make a joke, but i refuse to give in every time cookies are passed around at work.
stay strong and forget about them!0 -
realized the social thing a little while ago, cause like you, a lot of my friends are bigger than me. and it bothered me so much because i would want to talk about my success, and my achievements in running, or a new recipe, or exercise dvd i got, etc. and i can't. i can't talk about new sports i wanna try, or the good time i have had playing them. because then they just say 'you don't need to lose weight' 'yeah, i should do that' 'i'm fat, you aren't' well excuse me for wanting to be healthy. they think i am putting them down just because i am putting myself up. which is dumb, cause relaly, we all have to make our own choices. it is sabotaging, and selfish. your real friends will stick around, and you'll lose the ones who are negative, and make new ones at the same time.
sorry you are having such trouble with it, it is a sucky experience.0 -
If they are really friends, show them this post. Ask them to read it with an open mind. Maybe it will open their eyes, because they may not realize how they are acting right now.
Encourage them. Offer to help them eat better, if they'd like. Show them this site, if they want to see it. Try to extend the offer to assist with their weight loss goals without pushing it on them. Some of them may be ready to lose the weight but scared to fail, and just need a friendly helping hand. (But don't push, lol.) :flowerforyou:0 -
Everything revolves around food. Celebrations, mourning, holidays, vacations...Most people don't worry about what they eat, and I don't think you can cut everyone off just because you're moving toward a healthier lifestyle. Eventually, they'll get used to the fact that you don't eat like them anymore. Just try to be positive. I know it's hard watching people we care about continue on with uhealthy habits, but all you can do is be a positive role model...ya never know, you might rub off on them. What if it was one of them that was losing the weight and getting healthy, you wouldn't want them to consider giving up on your friendship.0
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I went out with a friend the other day and i ordered a salad and refused to eat bread. She said I made her look like a pig. I told her that was her issue and we moved on with the conversation. We have been friends for 15+ years. It was her issue. We all have our issues and we have to deal with it the best we can. As you have said before what you eat has nothing to do with them and what they it has nothing to do with you. You don't all go buy blue panties just because the others did; so why would you order a cheeseburger just because they did or vice versa.
Don't feel guilty. I don't drink so I'm always the designated driver and I leave them in bed while I go to church on Sunday. That is just who I am and my friends embrace that. Eventually your habits end up rubbing off on them. They will change in their own time. If you convince a person against their will they remain of the same opinion still. But you allow them to come to the understanding when they change it won't be a diet thing it will be permanent. There is great power in being yourself. I got off topic:laugh:0 -
something similar just happened to me at work this morning. This is a co worker though not really a "friend" and she has been losing weight also. she told me not to look (she was eating a large cookie) and she told me she shouldn't eat it but couldn't help it and said how good I am not to go get one. I told her it's easy that simce it would take me 2 hours on the treadmill to burn it off I'd pass.:bigsmile:0
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In terms of office (and other acquaintances), since they are not good friends, when someone makes a comment and you don't want to engage in (for example, a negative comment about themselves), just smile (as your answer). What they are doing is more about themselves than about you. But misery loves company, and you don't want to join that group.
In terms of your good friends, that's harder, and it really depends on how close you are to them. In terms of them commenting on how good you look, or how good you are, there are several things you can do.
1) thank them for the compliment and move on to another topic quickly
2) say "it's not that I'm being good, but I find that I crave salads more often now. I still have a hamberger now and then, but I don't like the way I feel afterwards...." It doesn't matter if this is true or not, you're changing the essence of the conversation from how good/bad comparison between the two of you to what you and she loves to eat and why. It will make the conversation more positive, or she'll change the topic.
3) say "you know, I felt that way when I first started this process (doesn't matter if it's true or not) but if you really want to make changes because I think I'm sensing that in what you just said, I can tell you what has worked for me and a lot of people I know (i.e. MFP community). She's either really interested or not. In either case, you either help her with some suggestions, or she'll change the topic.
4) (this is under special quiet one-on-one time in the most gentle and diplomatic way you can muster) just let your friend know that you're trying really hard, and want her support in the choices that you have made. You can say something like, I feel a little uncomfortable when I feel like my size is the topic of conversation more than I would like... yes, thank them for the compliment, etc. You know the drill, only use the word me or I, and never the word "you."
Here's one more: and it can go on an extension of #3. If your friends really wants to be negative about her eating habits (go on and on about it) then you can say in the most positive way, "look, I know you, I know that if you put your mind to it, you can do it!!! YOu can do it!!! You can do it!!!" But, if you really want that hamberger, then hell, you better enjoy it girl. What's the point if you're not going to lover every bit of that juicy, yummy .... Come on, let's have a good time.
Generally, they are probably looking for some kind of validation from you.0 -
Find more friends that have the same interest as you! Don't give up your current friends but surround yourself around people who share the same interest of being healthy as you. It will further motivate you, and keep up the good work!0
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Ditto - I have not much to add. Except this: I notice how much conversation revolves around weight and food, body parts, and jealous observations, etc. Could it be that if these friends didn't have these subject matters to talk about, they'd have nothing to talk about at all, and therefore no real association? These sound like acquaintences, not friends. As such, over time you'll form new friendships, and the old associations will fall away on their own.
In the meantime, you can certainly 'perk' things up a bit by remarking about your hard work, and how much you love the results; it's YOUR committment to yourself, and you're proud - why should you avoid tooting your own horn? Just like fat people are never apologetic about their weight (or so it seems these days), neither should you be ashamed of yours! Don't spare them out of guilt - they know there are things they could do to help themselves, and saving them the embarrassment of avoiding conversations about your own successes does nothing in fostering good relations either way. If it turns out they're offended by discussions about well-being, they're sick people and you don't need them. There is always a chance that even one person will take their cues from you and change something in a positive way that they avoided changing before.
I couldn't 've said it better myself!! Hear, hear!!!
:flowerforyou:0 -
I think it takes time. I had the same issues at work.............people actually turned their styrofoam boxes around to hide what they were eating.
I walked up and said mmmmmmmmm what are you having today??
Oh..such and such....I really shouldnt be eating this, I am so fat!!
Oh stop that, I said, You are beautiful!!
Now I have ppl coming over to see what I ordered or brought for lunch. Comments like, I will try that because you eat so healthy.
It takes time for ppl to get used to the new you! Keep a positive outlook!
Your doing a wonderful job!!:flowerforyou:
And I love your response too!! Thanks, Gorgeous!!!0 -
Your friends are just having a hard time adjusting to your new lifestyle, but you should be very proud because it sounds like you are having a positive influence on them. They see what you have accomplished and it sounds like they know they need to make a change too. Be patient, hopefully with your encouragement they will realize that they can have the same success you have had.:happy:0
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Maybe you can rub off on them. The next time they start complaining about bat arms or thunder thighs, maybe invite them to your gym or for a walk. Or mention you know some exercise to help tone up their problem areas.Everything revolves around food. Celebrations, mourning, holidays, vacations...Most people don't worry about what they eat, and I don't think you can cut everyone off just because you're moving toward a healthier lifestyle. Eventually, they'll get used to the fact that you don't eat like them anymore. Just try to be positive. I know it's hard watching people we care about continue on with uhealthy habits, but all you can do is be a positive role model...ya never know, you might rub off on them. What if it was one of them that was losing the weight and getting healthy, you wouldn't want them to consider giving up on your friendship.
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I think you have to stick to what works for you. Your friends will always be your friends. Even though they may not understand what your going through they are still gonna try to be supportive in the best way they know how. But going on this weight loss journey is something that you haev decided to do for you. So you need to continue on that path. Being able to sustain the weight loss will be the hardest part. So if your focused on your goals you wil know that the sacrifices you make now will be well worth the reward! Stick to it your doign GREAT!!:)0
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Very well-written & thoughtful post & responses! :flowerforyou:
This is a topic that sure comes up a LOT here! :noway:
I have many challenges with my co-workers, as I've posted before. Had an incident with a co-worker eating those awful cheezy puff things. She was so offended by "people who can resist temptation." But hello.... I don't even like those awful things! yuck....... Not even a temptation!
I have a friend who is about 100 lbs. overweight. She is constantly commenting on how thin other people are or commenting on the food she's eating or how heavy she is. Or how thin I look, even when I was overweight. She is "more" overweight so I didn't get any "air time". I feel bad for not being a better friend, but she is so needy and doesn't really want to make the effort to change anything.
Family, friends, co-workers......... unless someone expresses an honest interest in what I'm doing, I don't say a whole lot. Just smile or say something meaningful but funny & let it go.
If you really want to mess with people, become a vegetarian! WOO! :drinker:
I eat chicken and fish now, but try bugging out on the turkey at Thanksgiving dinner!
Be True to Thine Own Self Grasshopper! :drinker: :flowerforyou:
We have to stay strong and do what's best for ME baby! :laugh: :bigsmile:0
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