Frustrated with weight maintenance after eating disorder

ksarkarati

Hey everyone,
Just wanted to vent on here that although I'm in my maintenance weight, I feel frustrated that I feel like I'm constantly going up and down the same 5 amount of pounds, which affects how tight my clothes are.
About a year ago I made a conscious decision to gain about 9ish pounds because the weight I was at was not the ideal for my height and build (went from 109 to about 118, height 5'5", smallish frame/build).
I feel bad complaining about this but it really frustrates me sometimes as I feel like I made a smart decision gaining that weight, but sometimes I feel like I'm "paying" for it with clothes feeling tight. I know I should just buy new pants but I'm super stubborn. And I also know that the weight I'm at is one that I can maintain in a healthy way, and I'm mostly happy about that, but I feel like sometimes my eating disordered voice comes back in and tells me because my pants are tighter (especially in my thighs) that I've done something wrong/ will keep gaining weight and then be overweight, etc.)
On tough days I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. (I think I'm in a bad mood today because I'm graduating from grad school and job searching, which is super stressful)
It also perplexes me how I can at times be just a few pounds (5ish) higher than last year and have my thighs my so much bigger. I feel like in toning and creating a strong body, my thighs have gotten bigger.
I do admit that about every 2 weeks or so I feel like I kind of have a rampage day where I overeat calories wise and eat things that I normally won't (like ice cream). This is probably not the best approach, but in some ways it works for me to occassionally have a "break".
Gah, I just need some support as I sometimes feel stuck in that I eat healthy/exercise to maintain my weight but still feel overweight due to my clothes.
Also, on a separate note, I've been bad about befriending more people on here and I would love to have more MFP friends, so if that sounds good to anyone.

amandammmq

That negative voice inside of us can be so tough to deal with!

A certain amount of weight fluctuation is normal and shouldn't be seen as weight "gain". If you are PMS'ing, or ate a very salty meal, etc., you'll naturally carry a few extra pounds of water weight, for instance. You're going to have to train your inner voice to accept that!

Back when I actually did maintain a healthy weight for several years, I had pants that would fit nicely on those lean days, as well as pants for those days where I had been a bit more bloated.

ksarkarati

I agree with the compassionate approach and allowing flexibility in wardrobe. Yea, I think there are just certain tough days where I want to throw all of my clothes away. Thank you for your wise insight!