Disappointment from others
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I learned long ago to set limits with my mother up front. When she starts to talk about my weight loss, I say, "I find that comments from people about my weight loss do not help me with the significant mental challenges surrounding long-term lifestyle changes. I'm not just trying to lose weight; I'm trying to change my relationship with food and exercise. So I'd prefer it if we didn't discuss this anymore." If she persists, feel free to change the subject or end the conversation completely. The longer you delay having this conversation with her, the more used to tossing off comments like this she'll get, and the harder it will be to make her reform. It's like training a puppy, really.
This. 4 pounds in 3 weeks is a very good loss. You can be respectful and still require respectfulness from others - even your mom. Let her know that she must be respectful and supportive, or the entire topic will be off limits to her. Say it and walk away, so there is not the slightest hint that she can negotiate the rule. Slow and steady is much healthier and more likely to last long term, and she should be very proud that you are doing this in a healthy way.0 -
I've been on MFP for about three weeks, and have been committed to making a lifestyle change since. I've tested out different levels of calories, having started out at 1200, but working out every day to bring it up to about 1450, and then last week I tried starting at 1450, and working up to 1600. In that week, I gained 1lb, though whether that was because I had eaten a lot right before I went to bed and [cough] hadn't had movement before I weighed myself, or what, I'm not sure. Possibly also the muscles working, but I'm not sure. I was disappointed, but that's just how it goes sometimes.
However, my Mum has been all "interested" (aka obsessed) with my weight, and so she asked me today how much I had lost up to now, and I said, with the added weight, 4lbs. And she flat out said she was disappointed in me. Like it was my fault, and hadn't been working hard enough! I don't know /why/ I've only lost 4lbs, but considering it's only been 3 weeks, though I was disappointed because I had gained from last week, I still haven't gone back up to my original weight, and I'm pleased with that. Slow and steady wins the race, yet her disappointment hits hard.
How do you deal with disappointment from others? I don't like disappointing people, but should I just let it roll off my back? How do you do that?
Put that person on one shoulder, then proceed to flick them off. Then come back a month later and show them the progress and say I told you so. Turn that negative disappointment into positive motivation!!!0 -
4lbs is fine. The problem I find is that a lot of 'older' people are more inclined to the old wive's style of weightloss - lost it all fast with a ridiculous diet and then regain it and more.
Couldnt have said it better myself. This person is correct.0 -
Four pounds in three weeks!?! Girl. You rock! Yes, slow and steady wins the race, but better yet is it's sustainable loss. Keep doing what you're doing. You're fine. And, WELCOME to MFP!
Find a way to gently put your mom off. Tell her you're doing well, staying focused, sticking to your goals and achieving progress. I'm sure she means well, but sometimes us mothers can be pushy.0 -
no offense but your mom needs to butt out! 4lbs in 3 weeks is awesome! Just stick with it.... and maybe stop sharing so much with your mom!0
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My mom is beautiful, slightly petite (5'5) and has perfect make-up and clothes. She constantly is at me about my weight, but also about the fact that I rarely wear make-up and I'm outside all the time, I don't wear skirts, etc... I'm 6'1 and she constantly tells people she doesn't know where I came from. Ugh!!!!! I let a lot of the stuff roll off my back, but I have stood up to her and told her to knock it off. She is insane, but I love her.
Gotta love moms, right?
My mom is similar, in that she can be critical about what I wear/when I'm not wearing make-up, but sometimes you just gotta do you, and not listen to the voices around you, even if they are coming from your loved ones.0 -
This is like when you are trying to sell your house and people keep asking you "did you sell it?". "I would tell you if I sold it!" Lol. They just want you to succeed and are super invested. I'd just explain it to her how it makes you feel---she's your Mom she'll understand
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Those 4lbs are way better than 0 lbs or putting more weight on!
it's like 1000 x better than 0 lbs!
So I say "WOOT, good job" and "keep up the good work"0 -
However, my Mum has been all "interested" (aka obsessed) with my weight, and so she asked me today how much I had lost up to now, and I said, with the added weight, 4lbs. And she flat out said she was disappointed in me. Like it was my fault, and hadn't been working hard enough! I don't know /why/ I've only lost 4lbs, but considering it's only been 3 weeks, though I was disappointed because I had gained from last week, I still haven't gone back up to my original weight, and I'm pleased with that. Slow and steady wins the race, yet her disappointment hits hard.
How do you deal with disappointment from others? I don't like disappointing people, but should I just let it roll off my back? How do you do that?
I ignore the comments that are not supportive. If you try to live your life to please others, you will end up pleasing no-one. Only you can live your life.
A pound a week means that you will weigh ~13 kg pounds less by Xmas. Perhaps that is not fast enough to suit your mum. But come December 25th, you'll be ~13 kg less (and fitter and heathier). She'll however, will be unchanged, except that she will be older.0 -
Let me give you a perspective on how weight can fluctuate up and down.
I weigh on Sunday and Wednesday (I have an urge to see the fluctuations so I understand they are there... it's a mental thing). Anyway, on Sunday I was up to 207 from 205. Today, I was down to 204. Now, there was no way I lost 3 lbs in 3 days. It's a fluctuation. It is normal. It is nothing to worry about.
I have actually taught my mom a lot about weight loss. Now she can see that you don't have to eat 1200 calories and work out daily for hours on end. A lot of people have a skewed perspective as to what it takes to lose weight or how fast you should be taking it off. They don't understand that a lot of what they see on TV or read isn't really the best ways to go about things.
If she makes another comment like that, you need to stand up to her about it. Be blunt. I had to be and my mom still loves me... but she now supports me!0 -
Disappointment coming from family and close friends is the worst to try and find a coping mechanism for. I had my own fair share of that from my mother, still do actually. She thinks I shouldn't be walking so much, that I am an overachiever and strive to make everyone else feel bad thanks to my own success with this weight loss so far. I took it on the chin and bit my tongue, because I know I shouldn't care about her negative feedback. I DID care, but it is just not healthy to give weight to negative feedback.
You know what you are doing, you are learning how to do things, or how NOT to do things. I don't think the sources of all this negativity truly understand the person they are criticizing, or just how hurtful some comments, or attitudes can be. I coped by venting about my situation to my friends, and then in a round about way let my mother know just how hurtful her comments were. (She tolerates criticism about as well as a balloon tolerates a needle.) She has curbed some of the comments, but here and there they still leak through.
I suppose my point is: talk to her in a way you can reach her to let her know how it made you feel. Otherwise let it just fall off like water off a duck's backside, and try to cling to the positive moments that WILL come. Eventually. I promise.0 -
No-one should be 'disappointed', you are losing weight for yourself and need to find what works for YOU.
4lb in 3 weeks IS good, its a healthy loss and more likely to stay off!
Besides... losing too quickly can be unhealthy, depending on your situation.
your mum needs to encourage you, not berate you ;-/
Don't let anyone else make you adjust how you use MFP, if it's working for you, then that's all that matters ;D0 -
Wow what an overwhelming response. That is such a wonderful mood changer.
Going through everything and reading, and it makes me feel much better. I /was/ proud of the 4lbs, despite being disappointed in gaining, but at the same time, I've kept it off, consistently! And that's where you have to start.0 -
Book called Boundaries by McCloud and Townsend. It teaches you how to tell people to back off with out being disrespectful or disrespected.
4 lbs in 3 wks is great!!! Any faster and you risk the huge amounts of flabby skin problem. You are doing this just right.
You can say to Mom that you are so glad she cares, but that you are being careful to do this the way that drs have discovered to be the best. Tell her that drs don't want you to lose but approximately 1 lb per week. That might help her to back off a bit.
It's so hard when the one person that should love you unconditionally says such hurtful things. Hugs.0 -
What everyone else said! Politely but firmly set boundaries with Mom and keep your healthy lifestyle journey off topic. Next surround yourself with supportive people and give yourself credit where credit is due! 4lbs in 3 weeks? Woooohoooo! YOU are rockin' girl! Keep it up! It is doable.0
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I would let her know if she isn't willing to be a supportive part of your journey she can keep her destructive commentary to herself. Everyone has something you COULD say something snarky about. People think it is okay to say mean hurtful things because it is your weight. Not true. Explain if you love me you will loving support me though my journey, down this long and hard road in which I am working my bum off! Literally. And your continued disappointment or expectation of failure just leads to the emotional reasons for over eating. Be supportive or be quite. You're doing good job. Take heart. :flowerforyou:0
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Wow what an overwhelming response. That is such a wonderful mood changer.
Going through everything and reading, and it makes me feel much better. I /was/ proud of the 4lbs, despite being disappointed in gaining, but at the same time, I've kept it off, consistently! And that's where you have to start.
You SHOULD be proud of a 4 pound loss in a short time. You should also mention to your mother that you find such comments discouraging, and that weight varies week-to-week and you are trending correctly.
She may, in her own way, be trying to encourage you by offering carrot-and-stick encouragement. Obviously this is not the type of encouragement you need at this time, so I'd let her know how you feel while trying not to inject judgement into the discussion.
And if she can't offer the right kind of encouragement, then she can't. That doesn't make her a bad person. Just tell her you are meeting your goals and happy with your progress, and report actual numbers to her only when you feel you must.0 -
Awe, this makes me so sad for you! My mom is pretty harsh on me from time to time. A few days ago she asked me who cut my hair. Then she proceeded to tell me she didn't like it. Just keep your chin up and celebrate your accomplishments! Weight loss is a daily struggle and unless you've been there, you don't know how hard it is.0
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My weight with my parents isn't a subject we talk about. When we do there are tears and it's combined with other issues going on. Mostly my dad and I don't even BOTHER with the subject. It's a sour subject.
Maybe it's time you and your mothe had that chat. Tell her point blank that it doesn't matter what she thinks. You are on the diet. ( Or life style change.) Not her.
Considering my weight lost it took three months for me to get where I am today. So, you're a month hang in there.
You're trying thats a good start isn't it?0 -
Moms are tricky....I see mine usually once a week and she doesn't like the fact that I am losing weight. She thinks I am getting too small and I keep telling her that I'm still very much overweight she just isn't used to seeing me smaller than obese! My dad on the other hand is very supportive and proud of my progress. My sisters like it, but my brothers don't. To be honest I think that my brothers are a little jelious of my progress. One of the is morbidly obese. The other has been fit most if his life but, now his poor eating habits are catching up with him and he is overweight. I don't let it bother me. Sometimes they like to make rude comments to me. I don't let it affect me. On the bright side all of my friends couldn't be more supportive!!!! They are all cheering me on in my journey 0
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