Suggestions to help & encourage my overweight niece.....

bluiz13

i have a 13yr old niece who lives in maine with my dad and my stepmom (her grandparents)...she has the worst eating habits (follows suit with what she sees her grandparents eat) and does not get al ot of movement/exercise...

she is easily a women's size Large and a 10/12/14 and has a very big belly and face.....i know she is not happy with how she looks and feels because she comments often about how she is going to go on a diet or has my stepmom buy her activia yogurt or asks my stepmom to buy her sensa, but continues to make horrible eating choices; 10 cookies and then ice cream cone for dessert, 2-3 helpings at dinner, no exercise of any kind with the exception of hanging out with friends in the backyard pool.....

anyway, i live in florida and only see her once a year when we go home for 2 wks vacation...we are not close at all - she is a pain in the *kitten* with many many issues - but i am truly concerned about her and would like to talk to her this summer when i go home..i do not enjoy spending time with her but would try very hard to involve and invite her on my physical activities while i'm there in order to get her in the habit of moving.....i want to help her figure out the right things to eat and help her get her voice to DEMAND that my dad and stepmom provide her with the things that will help her to lose weight safely....

in the past i would never have considered speaking to another person about where they are at especially a child but coming from where i did 263lbs at my heaviest and currently in the 170s and hopefully heading into the 160s soon, i do feel like i know what i'm talking about...i also was a heavy teenager/high school student and was very very unhappy with myself...if i can help her get motivated to make the changes now than i feel like it would be worth the aggravation of the "fight" if that makes sense...

anyway any suggestions would be greatly appreciated as i said we do not have the best relationship and she already thinks i'm a bossy nosey *kitten* to begin with would love any and all opinions....
thanks,
denise

Tourney3p0

I think it's great that you're concerned and want to see her making more healthy choices.

With that said, you said you're not close, you never see her, she's a pain in the *kitten*, and you perceive her as having many issues. She is probably likewise not under the illusion that the two of you are close. My recommendation would be to walk away slowly and leave it up to someone else. There's just about no possible way any sort of conversation can occur with a positive outcome given this set of circumstances. In terms of how ideal the situation is, I would rank it slightly below walking up to a complete stranger and beginning a conversation with, "So, I noticed you're fat..."

bm99

Sounds like she is like a million other Americans... knows there's a problem, probably hates her self for having the problem, but when push comes to shove has no freaking clue what to do about it!

Educate her when you visit. Say something like "I hear you want to try such and such diet plan, you know I lost 78 pounds doing THIS" and explain to her about diet and exercise. Introduce her to this site and show her what kind of physical activities can be fun. All you can do is give her the tools, and I think you are awesome for caring so much about the little ****. I know I cannot bear to be around a 13 year old for more than 5 minutes before I want to poke my eye out lol Way to go! :flowerforyou:

Edit: Can you talk to her guardians about this?

aejbx4x7s

Honestly, I'd be very careful about offering any unsolicited advice. If she brings up weight and dieting with you, I would talk to her about your experiences with weight loss and only offer advice when asked. Separately, I would talk to her grandparents about providing healthier options as they are the adults around her all the time. We all know how difficult it is to diet in a house full of junk food as adults - it's certainly much harder as a child!

As with all things weight-related, I would be overly sensitive as you don't want to damage her self-esteem. I would emphasize the wonderful things about her and let her know that you just want to support her in her decision to lose weight.

TurtleRunnerNC

I just saw another thread that mentioned sparkteens.com or sparksteen.com. an MFP for teens.

mdsjmom98

Is there anyway you could reason with your step mom to serve "better" meals for her? Or maybe not cook so much that she can go back for seconds?

If that is not an option, I would use her comments about her weight as an opener. If that doesn't work, you can always start out by saying, "I've heard you mention you want to go on a diet" and go from there. Tell her where you've been, and how hard it is to be so overweight. I think a lot of kids that age respond better when you share a common thing.

This can't be easy, I don't envy you. But you are doing this out of concern for your niece, so I hope the words come to you easily.

pastryari

This is a sensitive issue. You're not close, you barely see her, and she has guardians who look after her. I would say mind your own business and let them handle it. It wouldn't be wise nor kind to try to tell a teenager that she's overweight.

cbirdso

These are my thoughts: children need the support and example of the adults they spend the most time with: that is not you, that is your Dad and Step-mom. If it were me, I'd have a heart to heart with my Dad and ask him if it wouldn't be possible for him to lead by example. If he and your Step-mom are opposed to this, I would just keep my big mouth shut and accept your niece for the person she is: unhappy and overweight. When she is older and ready and capable of making changes on her own, it would be nice if you gave her a little support at that time. I fear that any intervention at this point will just cause bad feeling and not fix the problem you are trying to solve.

kgprice11

She has to motivates herself to get up and be active, however a couple ways you can help is to see what she is interested in and manipulate that interest into a way that it exercises the body and is fun to do. Also try to talk to your dad and step mom regarding the nutritional aspects of weight loss such as cooking/making healthier meals and eating less.

scapez

You have a few of things working against you:

- You don't have a good relationship with her
- You're not close to her geographically

That said, a speech probably won't help and might alienate her. Best you can probably do is invite her for a walk, bike ride, maybe a short run and hope that she enjoys it - maybe make it fun, not "exercise". Take her out or cook her some healthy foods.

Just be prepared that you might not be in a place to impart the changes that you wish to. Good luck!

bm99

Please don't not talk to her just because it might be awkward. It's hard finding real information about what really works when it comes to weightloss, especially since the other adults in her life seem clueless as well. Yes, she could blow up in a teenage **** storm, but at least she'll have the tools she needs to succeed if she chooses to.

alasin1derland

Under the circumstances i would approach the care givers, let them know the mental pain she is in for in highschool and try to appeal to their sensitivities as they will be buying the groceries. Is there are any sort of computer simulations to show her what she would look like at a normal weight that may inspire her to want to change. I did one for a haircut, it was pretty neat. I hope you are successful so your niece can avoid years of grief.

bm99

I would just keep my big mouth shut and accept your niece for the person she is: unhappy and overweight. When she is older and ready and capable of making changes on her own, it would be nice if you gave her a little support at that time. I fear that any intervention at this point will just cause bad feeling and not fix the problem you are trying to solve.

That is absolutely not who that little girl IS, that is a prison she is TRAPPED in.

anholder13

I think it's great that you're concerned and want to see her making more healthy choices.

With that said, you said you're not close, you never see her, she's a pain in the *kitten*, and you perceive her as having many issues. She is probably likewise not under the illusion that the two of you are close. My recommendation would be to walk away slowly and leave it up to someone else. There's just about no possible way any sort of conversation can occur with a positive outcome given this set of circumstances. In terms of how ideal the situation is, I would rank it slightly below walking up to a complete stranger and beginning a conversation with, "So, I noticed you're fat..."

Well put!

meshashesha2012

you're not that close to her, sorry to say this but poking at her about her weight might very well have the opposite effect at her age and could come off as mean considering you're not that close.

i agree with the others who say it should be your dad or stepmom who approach this subject otherwise you'll just come off as a busy body by picking on her.

i mean really think about it. how would you have reacted when you were 13 if some relative you never see just approached you and said you were too fat? would something like hat have motivated you? especially if you didnt like the person to begin with? sometimes we can answer questions about how to approach a situation by putting ourselves in the other person's position

i know you're probably at the "i need to save the rest of the world from fat because i made it through" stage, but really, no bodt like unsolicited advice

bluiz13

my dad and my stepmom are part of the problem...i thought perhaps if i gave her some tools and positive encouragement she might see that a healthier way of living isnt that hard when you just make a few changes....

This is a sensitive issue. You're not close, you barely see her, and she has guardians who look after her. I would say mind your own business and let them handle it. It wouldn't be wise nor kind to try to tell a teenager that she's overweight.

Starzy696

I think the first step you should do is talk with your dad and stepmom to voice your concern over your niece especially because they are the ones buying the food for her.

In regards with her, it's going to be a tough situation and tough conversation to have with her. I would almost wait to see if it comes up first (like within the first week) so that it doesn't appear like you are coming there with an agenda. If she doesn't bring it up relatively soon into your visit, I think you should maybe talk to her one on one about your concern. Use yourself as an example because then she might see it as you are in the same shoes rather than being a nosey *kitten*.

Good luck!

bluiz13

yeah, i'm talking to her lol...regardless of the advise i get here....i was just looking for suggestions on how to talk to her...our relationship is not that bad, it's just not close/great.....BUT the underlying fact that i do care about her health and well being and again, i know what the hell i'm talking about at this point almost makes me feel like i HAVE to talk to her....i will talk to my dad and my stepmom first....i will discuss with them what i want to talk to her about and offer suggestions as a former overweight teen, young adult, twenties and thirties person....i want them all to make better choices but by damned i want her to get her life on track now before she ends up completely miserable...if it means a sh*tstorm happens while i'm on vacation, lol, i'm ready for it.....

Please don't not talk to her just because it might be awkward. It's hard finding real information about what really works when it comes to weightloss, especially since the other adults in her life seem clueless as well. Yes, she could blow up in a teenage **** storm, but at least she'll have the tools she needs to succeed if she chooses to.

bm99

yeah, i'm talking to her lol...regardless of the advise i get here....i was just looking for suggestions on how to talk to her...our relationship is not that bad, it's just not close/great.....BUT the underlying fact that i do care about her health and well being and again, i know what the hell i'm talking about at this point almost makes me feel like i HAVE to talk to her....i will talk to my dad and my stepmom first....i will discuss with them what i want to talk to her about and offer suggestions as a former overweight teen, young adult, twenties and thirties person....i want them all to make better choices but by damned i want her to get her life on track now before she ends up completely miserable...if it means a sh*tstorm happens while i'm on vacation, lol, i'm ready for it.....

Please don't not talk to her just because it might be awkward. It's hard finding real information about what really works when it comes to weightloss, especially since the other adults in her life seem clueless as well. Yes, she could blow up in a teenage **** storm, but at least she'll have the tools she needs to succeed if she chooses to.

Just make it about you. You can always trick her into a manny/pedi... she will be trapped in her chair and will have to at least have a short conversation lol

I think it's great that you're taking initiative! Her delicate little teenage psyche will survive Even if it goes badly and she hates you forever (in teenage years), one day when she wakes up and decides to make a change you will have given her the tools to do it.

Just imagine all the crap advice she must be getting from her friends! "OMG if you only eat brown food like you can lose like 50 pounds a week. like." I don't know what they say nowadays lol but I'm pretty sure it's nonsense (it was in my day!)

bluiz13

i have NO INTENTION of going up to chelsie and saying, hey i notice you are fatter than the last time i saw you.....my intention is to help her see the healthier options out there while i'm visiting as well as perhaps have my sister who lives there who is also not close with her but is also concerned, take over when i leave, helping to guide her with the better choices....my sister has also lost most of her weight after having 3 kids in the last 7 years so she also "knows" what to do....i'm not going to do this big intervention thing, i just wanted suggestions on how to talk to a teen about getting healthy....geeeezzzzz....when i was an overweight teen i WISHED to hell someone had stepped in and helped me get fit and not continued to order large pizzas with a bag of doritos and foot long sandwiches and chips and all the other crap i must have put in my face when i was younger to be in the high 100s and then in my 20s the low 200s.....i care about this kid and that is why i'm going to "intervene" while i'm there....i want her to know she has options and what they are....


and i'm not in the "i need to save the rest of the world from fat because i made it through" stage....i am a motivator and i will continue to inspire those who want to be inspired by my losses....

ps, when i saw her last (april of this yr here in florida, she complimented me on my wt loss, so she notices)

you're not that close to her, sorry to say this but poking at her about her weight might very well have the opposite effect at her age and could come off as mean considering you're not that close.

i agree with the others who say it should be your dad or stepmom who approach this subject otherwise you'll just come off as a busy body by picking on her.

i mean really think about it. how would you have reacted when you were 13 if some relative you never see just approached you and said you were too fat? would something like hat have motivated you? especially if you didnt like the person to begin with? sometimes we can answer questions about how to approach a situation by putting ourselves in the other person's position

i know you're probably at the "i need to save the rest of the world from fat because i made it through" stage, but really, no bodt like unsolicited advice

kwin91

Honestly, this is such a hard topic. I went through this with my father, he would say hey you need to get some exercise and eat better. And I tried up until he would say that stuff because it actually made me feel like crap. he never saw me much after a certain point in my life and I felt like he had no right because he didn't even try to see my sisters and I. Now that I have lost about 25 pounds (15 before the site and 10 on) he hasn't said a word to me because one day I couldn't take it any more and I told him he had no right and that he himself couldn't say much...I'm not stubborn but I get discouraged easily and because she is younger than I am(I'm almost 21) she might have a hard time with hearing it from someone she doesn't know very well. he was my father and I didn't handle it very well from the age of 16-now. She's young and is probably also going through puberty which is hard enough because your weight loss/gain is up and down.

I feel as though you should talk to her guardians about getting her into sports and having them buy healthier choices for everyone. And they should become active with her. I know that if my parents were active in my life and in general I wouldn't be where I am now. I would just tread very lightly and maybe try to develop a relationship with her and it may take a while but then she'll trust you and want advice from you especially if she sees you've lost weight. See is believing.

Hope this helps.

mmarcy7

Honestly you need to talk to your dad and step mom. Any parents/guardians, who allow a child to eat 10 cookies and ice cream on a daily basis and can see that the child is obviously obese are the ones who need a wake up call. Are your parents obese? It's usually not the kids fault they are fat, I blame it on the parents (unless there is a medical problem). And if the girl has lots of problems, she probably is an emotional eater too and needs to learn how to deal with that. Unless your dad and step mom are willing to get the girl some help and buy healthy foods I really don't think there is much you can do. Maybe the next time you see her you could bring up your weight loss/exercise and try to let her know she can talk to you if she has any questions about healthy eating or exercises she could do and see if she seems interested in making a change.

celebrity328

I remember a lady who was friends with my mom (think I was like 13-14) who brought up my weight and that I was trying to lose weight. I was so upset about the ordeal and embrassed she knew my secret. Looking back on it I knew the lady had the best intentions but at the time it really hurt me. I guess it really depends on the person.

I also struggle with "talking" to my family about their weight and the concerns I have but realize that most of my family would shut down emotionaly if i brought up the subject. I continue to do what I do and lose weight and lead by example and hope that one day that leads to a conversation on what they can do to change their lifestyles for the better. Does that mean I dont want to talk to them? no in reality I really just want to sit my entire family down and explain to them that the choices they are making arnt good and I like to see them all healthy

Its a very thin line between being helpful and being annoying, I just havent found the balance between the two just yet

AwesomelyAmber

I love the 'trap her into a mani/pedi plan!!! ANY outing would work. Also, knowing how it feels to be the 'fat teen' with the 'skinny aunt' I agree with the make it about you conversation. "So, how are things going at school? Interested in any sports or activities?"... if I flashed back *gulp* twenty years I know where that would gave gone for me..."Well auntie I don't do sports, I'm not exactly in great shape as you can see..." then you follow up with "I know how you must feel, I used to be... " Heck, see where it goes!

Ralphrabbit

Start off by listening to her. How she is feeling & how she wants to go about this. If it's her ideas that are being validated then she may have a chance. Help her to access regular local help in the way she wants it & help her with how to cook healthy food. If she is doing her own cooking she may have some support from her grandparents but they need to be told that they have no right to discourage her!!

MizSaz

yeah, i'm talking to her lol...regardless of the advise i get here....i was just looking for suggestions on how to talk to her...our relationship is not that bad, it's just not close/great.....BUT the underlying fact that i do care about her health and well being and again, i know what the hell i'm talking about at this point almost makes me feel like i HAVE to talk to her....i will talk to my dad and my stepmom first....i will discuss with them what i want to talk to her about and offer suggestions as a former overweight teen, young adult, twenties and thirties person....i want them all to make better choices but by damned i want her to get her life on track now before she ends up completely miserable...if it means a sh*tstorm happens while i'm on vacation, lol, i'm ready for it.....

Please don't not talk to her just because it might be awkward. It's hard finding real information about what really works when it comes to weightloss, especially since the other adults in her life seem clueless as well. Yes, she could blow up in a teenage **** storm, but at least she'll have the tools she needs to succeed if she chooses to.

Just make it about you. You can always trick her into a manny/pedi... she will be trapped in her chair and will have to at least have a short conversation lol

I think it's great that you're taking initiative! Her delicate little teenage psyche will survive Even if it goes badly and she hates you forever (in teenage years), one day when she wakes up and decides to make a change you will have given her the tools to do it.

Just imagine all the crap advice she must be getting from her friends! "OMG if you only eat brown food like you can lose like 50 pounds a week. like." I don't know what they say nowadays lol but I'm pretty sure it's nonsense (it was in my day!)

Trapping her is literally the worst thing you can do. She knows she's overweight, and you're going to create a "hostage situation" over it? And out in public besides?? Are you kidding me?

meshashesha2012

yeah but regardless of your intentions, you need to think about how it's going to come off. she cant read intention. no one can since no one else lives inside your head but you. it's just going to come off as the person she already thinks as being a nosey bossy biyatch (your words) coming up to her and telling her she's fat.


but if you are going to do it i also agree with the person who said make it less about her and more about you. tell her YOUR experiences. at least that way it'll come off as less preachy. maybe she'll listen and start thinking seeing some similarities between your situations.

good luck

bexy_27

If you're truly worried about her, work on your relationship with her. Let her know you care about her and you're there for her. Lead by example. When she's ready, she'll ask how you lost weight.

bluiz13

i am NOW the "skinny aunt" but not really lol just skinnier...she has seen me at my heaviest....so she knows where i have come from...in my opinion that's a plus...

I love the 'trap her into a mani/pedi plan!!! ANY outing would work. Also, knowing how it feels to be the 'fat teen' with the 'skinny aunt' I agree with the make it about you conversation. "So, how are things going at school? Interested in any sports or activities?"... if I flashed back *gulp* twenty years I know where that would gave gone for me..."Well auntie I don't do sports, I'm not exactly in great shape as you can see..." then you follow up with "I know how you must feel, I used to be... " Heck, see where it goes!

nikinyx6

If you're truly worried about her, work on your relationship with her. Let her know you care about her and you're there for her. Lead by example. When she's ready, she'll ask how you lost weight.

best advice yet...you need to have somewhat of a relationship before this girl will even listen to you

Athena98501

It sounds like this child is depressed, and like food is her primary source of comfort. Given that she doesn't have her parents looking after her, it seems like she's had a rough childhood. I think it says more about you than her when you call her "a pain in the@$$." I have worked with dozens of seriously troubled children (many of them violent), and it's been my experience that 95% of them respond very positively to an adult just showing them that there are good things about them, and that they have the ability to be happier than they are. The most common reason for children becoming difficult is that the loudest message they get from the adults who are supposed to care for them, is that they (and their feelings) don't matter.

I would suggest you do a little soul searching first, and try to imagine being in her place at her age. Then you can try to repair your relationship with her. Anything beyond that would likely be met with defiance.