anyone work with the elderly?

amymeenieminymo

If so, what is your experience when a patient's spouse dies? My grandpa has been in the hospital/nursing home for almost a month now, recovering from a kidney infection (he's almost 85). My grandma just passed away the other day and was in seemingly very good health so this was quite unexpected aside from the fact that she was almost 84.

We were very worried of how he would take the news, he is very dependent on her and he often cried when she would leave aftrer visting him. Even after almost 65 years of marriage they seemed to be just as in love as the day they got married. I was told he took the news very hard, but he was sleeping by the time my aunt and uncle left and we were told he slept much of yesterday (not sure if he has been sedated or not). We're thinking he has possibly shut out the news, maybe isn't even aware right now that she has passed.

Some of my family isn't sure he is up to going to the funeral, but I disagree. Of course he isn't emotionaly or physcially up to being at the visitation all day or even the service, but I think it is important that he be given the chance to see her and say goodbye. I myself would be pissed if I woke up next week and was told, by the way your husband died but we didn't take you to the funeral. So for anyone in the medical field or who has experience with the elderly, would you say it is important to take him to at least a portion of the funeral, or is it better not to?

splashangel

I take care of my 84 year old gramaw who has demensia among other things. She's lost many she loved. Husband and daughter included. My take? He's grown. He is a grown man. He handled his love and life with her, through sickness and through health for a whole lot of years. Now comes the" till death do us part" Let him see this through as he sees fit.

ScottyNoHotty

Everyday....you should see my office.

galegetsthin

I work primarily with the elderly at the department of Veteran Affairs. Also, my grandfather passed away nearly 2 years ago. They had been married for 58 years and were also very much in love. We were concerned with how Grandma would take the solitude and were concerned with how the funeral would affect her. She needed to go. She needed to see the people who were there to celebrate what a good man he was. She needed to see the love that people there had for him and also for her. She needed to be able to say good bye and to be able to see how many people he meant something to. She has done well since then. The first 6 months were roughest, but she has begun to take art classes, is getting out of the house more often now and has made friends with some of the other widows in her church and been going to movies, having suppers with them, beginning to be more independant. She still misses him and she still cries that he is gone, but had she missed the funeral, she would have not had that to help her start healing.

HMVOL7409

I am a nurse who has been working in a nursing home for the last 4 1/2 years. I would NOT recommend keeping him from the service. He needs to say his goodbyes and he needs to be able to reminisce and remember. This is a very traumatic time for your Grandpa and he is going to need much support, love and understanding. During this time, many surviving spouses do tend to develop depression and anxiety. Some people also give up because everything they once knew or had is now gone. Yes he still has his children, but with everyone living apart it is a difficult transition for them. I've seen spouses lose one another holding hands and I've seen spouses pass on shortly after the loss of their spouse. I would not deny him his opportunity to grieve, that can actually cause more damage to him in the long run. If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me.

SofaKingRad

It would be cruel to not allow him to say his goodbyes if he wanted to go.

Elizabeth_C34

It would be cruel to not allow him to say his goodbyes if he wanted to go.

This.

Funerals are horrible, but they do offer a chance to get closure for those who need it.

I'm so sorry for your family's loss. My grandmother passed last year, and my grandfather just shut down when she died. I stayed with him through the funeral and burial and a few days after to make sure he was alright, but it was rough. You don't lose your partner of that many years and just "get over it." Let him grieve in any way he needs and be supportive and as understanding as you can be.

Cliffslosinit

By any means, get him there!

infamousmk

I'd ask him what he wants. If he wants to go, somebody damn well better take him.

becoming_a_new_me

When I worked in the nursing homes, we would see this quite often...the family would try to "shelter" the spouse, but it did more damage than good. Even if you have to hire a private nurse to go with, do anything you can to get him there. So many times, I would see someone on a good track to recovery just go inward and fade away because of the loss of a spouse. Usually it was those that did not get to attend the funeral that did that.

Going to the funeral is a peice of closure, and he will get to see how many people loved and cared for his wife. He will get a chance to pray and say goodbye. Also, when a person reaches that age, they become comforted going to the funeral of a spouse, as that person is an extension of themself. They start to wonder about their own mortality and if anyone will be there to say goobye. Attending her funeral will not only tell him that your family loves him and cares about his feelings, but he will also have a chance to be comforted about his own mortality.

Helenatrandom

I agree with Iddreams. It is important that he be able to look and see the many people who love them both and know he isn't alone in his grief.

ETA : while I am not a nurse or healthcare worker, I was my mother's primary caretaker in the last few years of her illness. My dad was long passed, but I did learn that she needed to make her own decisions as much as possible. Let him know if you are concerned about what he is physically able to handle, but he needs to decide what that is... and as iddreams suggested, hiring a private nurse could make him a lot more comfortable in that respect.

taunto

While I understand the need to protect your granddad, not allowing him to be at her funeral would possibly just crush him. He has every right to be there and it would be cruel to not do so

amymeenieminymo

When I worked in the nursing homes, we would see this quite often...the family would try to "shelter" the spouse, but it did more damage than good. Even if you have to hire a private nurse to go with, do anything you can to get him there. So many times, I would see someone on a good track to recovery just go inward and fade away because of the loss of a spouse. Usually it was those that did not get to attend the funeral that did that.

Going to the funeral is a peice of closure, and he will get to see how many people loved and cared for his wife. He will get a chance to pray and say goodbye. Also, when a person reaches that age, they become comforted going to the funeral of a spouse, as that person is an extension of themself. They start to wonder about their own mortality and if anyone will be there to say goobye. Attending her funeral will not only tell him that your family loves him and cares about his feelings, but he will also have a chance to be comforted about his own mortality.

Is that what I would need to do to take him, hire a private nurse? I question it because my uncle has power of attorney over my grandma's estate so I am assuming now that she has passed that means he has power of attorney of my grandpa as well. So if my family won't budge, would I be able to take him from the nursing home to take him to the funeral home? Would a nurse from there accompany me? I'm more than willing to do this, I have no real relationship with my aunt and uncle so if they hate me for this that's fine, I just don't know what I am legally allowed to do.

taunto

When I worked in the nursing homes, we would see this quite often...the family would try to "shelter" the spouse, but it did more damage than good. Even if you have to hire a private nurse to go with, do anything you can to get him there. So many times, I would see someone on a good track to recovery just go inward and fade away because of the loss of a spouse. Usually it was those that did not get to attend the funeral that did that.

Going to the funeral is a peice of closure, and he will get to see how many people loved and cared for his wife. He will get a chance to pray and say goodbye. Also, when a person reaches that age, they become comforted going to the funeral of a spouse, as that person is an extension of themself. They start to wonder about their own mortality and if anyone will be there to say goobye. Attending her funeral will not only tell him that your family loves him and cares about his feelings, but he will also have a chance to be comforted about his own mortality.

Is that what I would need to do to take him, hire a private nurse? I question it because my uncle has power of attorney over my grandma's estate so I am assuming now that she has passed that means he has power of attorney of my grandpa as well. So if my family won't budge, would I be able to take him from the nursing home to take him to the funeral home? Would a nurse from there accompany me? I'm more than willing to do this, I have no real relationship with my aunt and uncle so if they hate me for this that's fine, I just don't know what I am legally allowed to do.

Highly suggest talking to a lawyer rather than talking about this on a non-law website

amymeenieminymo

When I worked in the nursing homes, we would see this quite often...the family would try to "shelter" the spouse, but it did more damage than good. Even if you have to hire a private nurse to go with, do anything you can to get him there. So many times, I would see someone on a good track to recovery just go inward and fade away because of the loss of a spouse. Usually it was those that did not get to attend the funeral that did that.

Going to the funeral is a peice of closure, and he will get to see how many people loved and cared for his wife. He will get a chance to pray and say goodbye. Also, when a person reaches that age, they become comforted going to the funeral of a spouse, as that person is an extension of themself. They start to wonder about their own mortality and if anyone will be there to say goobye. Attending her funeral will not only tell him that your family loves him and cares about his feelings, but he will also have a chance to be comforted about his own mortality.

Is that what I would need to do to take him, hire a private nurse? I question it because my uncle has power of attorney over my grandma's estate so I am assuming now that she has passed that means he has power of attorney of my grandpa as well. So if my family won't budge, would I be able to take him from the nursing home to take him to the funeral home? Would a nurse from there accompany me? I'm more than willing to do this, I have no real relationship with my aunt and uncle so if they hate me for this that's fine, I just don't know what I am legally allowed to do.

Highly suggest talking to a lawyer rather than talking about this on a non-law website

Unfortunately I don't think there is time for this. The visitation is tomorrow and Thursday, the funeral is on Friday. They are meeting with the pastor now, hopefully she or the nurses at my grandpas nursing home will help persuade them to let him attend. I may even have to call them myself, if they know some of the family is in favor of him going they might try harder to convince my aunt and uncle. Thanks for your input.

becoming_a_new_me

When I worked in the nursing homes, we would see this quite often...the family would try to "shelter" the spouse, but it did more damage than good. Even if you have to hire a private nurse to go with, do anything you can to get him there. So many times, I would see someone on a good track to recovery just go inward and fade away because of the loss of a spouse. Usually it was those that did not get to attend the funeral that did that.

Going to the funeral is a peice of closure, and he will get to see how many people loved and cared for his wife. He will get a chance to pray and say goodbye. Also, when a person reaches that age, they become comforted going to the funeral of a spouse, as that person is an extension of themself. They start to wonder about their own mortality and if anyone will be there to say goobye. Attending her funeral will not only tell him that your family loves him and cares about his feelings, but he will also have a chance to be comforted about his own mortality.

Is that what I would need to do to take him, hire a private nurse? I question it because my uncle has power of attorney over my grandma's estate so I am assuming now that she has passed that means he has power of attorney of my grandpa as well. So if my family won't budge, would I be able to take him from the nursing home to take him to the funeral home? Would a nurse from there accompany me? I'm more than willing to do this, I have no real relationship with my aunt and uncle so if they hate me for this that's fine, I just don't know what I am legally allowed to do.

Unless he was put there under controlled circumstances and as long as no one has power of attorney over your Grandad specifically (durable medical power of attorney), then he can check himself out for the day...it is part of patient rights. The nurse is not entirely necessary, but keep in mind that this will be very stressful for him, and it might be beneficial to have one in case something happens. You might be able to get one of the nurses from the nursing home to do it in her off-hours, but usually there are agencies that you can turn to for that type of one-off care.

I'd talk to an attorney if you are concerned about what you are legally allowed to do, but unless someone has control over him he actually gets to make the decision for himself. Most nursing homes have a legal person on staff...you may see what the director has to say.