Cheating (on your spouse, not with food)

jcstanton

Im no therapist. But my opinion is... Maybe all them other guys you didnt really love? Maybe you thought you did/ felt you did. I was with the same guy for 14 years, I swore up and down that I loved him. And always claimed that up till recently. he was my high school sweetheart. I realize now that Im engaged to another man. This man has made me happier than Ive ever been in my life, I realize I truly didnt love that other guy because I cheated on him more than once. Which caused a rift in our relationship at the time. But thinking back I know that it wasnt really meant to be. Now if you have the thought of cheating on your current husband, think about what it is that is causing you to want to stray. and go from there.

Thanks. I think the serious weight gain is a large part of it, bc I'm 347 and he's just over 400, and while we've each lost a bunch of weight, we're not that intimate. Another part of that is, he's been without a job for over 6 months, and his confidence was shot, so I think that kept some distance between us too. He just got a job though, starts Monday. Hoping things will get back to great with us and my thoughts will not stray.

There are other types of intimacy besides just the physical. I think maybe some marriage counseling would be a good idea. Even when there's no cheating involved on either side, sometimes the lines of deep, meaningful communication break down for other reasons. It's important to figure out where the problem is NOW, before the problem becomes more serious. Also, keep in mind that real love isn't the sweaty palms and butterflies in the stomach that we all associate with romance. Most of the time, really loving someone means treating them in a loving way even when we don't feel particularly affectionate towards them. That's where the hard work comes in. It's easy to love your spouse when things are going well and everybody's happy. I heard a line in a movie recently (can't for the life of me remember which one) that went something like this: "Marriage is full of difficult, unpleasant stuff, but it's also full of good stuff. The problem is that many people aren't willing to work through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff. I promise you, if you put in the work, you'll be glad you did. You'll be stronger, your marriage will be stronger, you'll love your spouse more than ever before, and the good stuff...Oh, the good stuff is phenominal. Stick it out. You won't regret it." Have you ever watched the movie "Fireproof"? I highly recommend it. It's a Christian film, but even if you don't consider yourself to be a "religious" person, there's alot of good ideas in there for building a strong, healthy marriage. Even so, my best advice is still to find a good marriage counselor. I think it's the best thing you can do for your marriage at this point.

MrsLVF

If you're even thinking about cheating, don't. You made a commitment with your husband for life. If you 're having trouble with that commitment you really need to look within yourself and figure out what it is that's important to you, what you need in life, what you think is missing. (Only you can figure that out)

People change, & if you're no longer willing to stay committed then perhaps you should have a talk with your spouse.

SF2514

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

If you're bored enough to stray from the person you're "committed to," do the right thing and break up with them first before you break their heart even more.

If it's not worth breaking up with them, it's not worth ruining your relationship for a few minutes of fun time with someone else.

That's not true at all (once a cheater, always a cheater). People can change .

dirtbikegirl5

I would be the first one to say "honor your vows", however, it sounds like the cheating things took place way before you met your husband. I would not call you a chronic cheater. Sometimes young kids don't really know how to act in a relationship and they try things that they have seen or heard. It doesn't sound like you have any plans of cheating. You are looking for ways to keep your marriage strong so congratulations for that. The only thing that would bother me is the fact that you said you have something in your head of something better. Always remember this. There are probably many reasons you think that, so make a list of ten of them (i.e. doesn't put the toilet seat down, doesn't help around the house, stuff that he can actually change). And, then know that if you are with someone else, you will just be trading those 10 things for 10 things you don't like about some other guy. Make your husband your Mr. Perfect. Talk positively about him to other people.
If you feel like talking to a therapist would help, then definitely do that.
Maybe spicing things up would help, too. It can't hurt. Ask your husband what he thinks of trying this or that, that you think it would be a great way to bring you closer together. Just don't tell him that you want to "spice things up". He may think he is doing something wrong and may pull away from you.

AvonLucyR

I recommend therapy. This is not a topic you might not want to discuss with strangers. I am no therapist, but personally, I believe not being able to commit to a relationship is a problem from the person cheating, not the spouse. I am not judging you...I understand and people have these feelings all the time. When you took your vows you chose to spend your life with your husband. Now, you have another choice. Are you going to stay with him? or are you willing to give up the life you've started together? Maybe it's because I'm so much older, but I have realized that the grass really isn't greener. I've been through divorce and it's not fun. If you want to, you can choose to be faithful forever even in your thoughts. When you think about other men, find something else to occupy your thoughts. In the meantime, maybe you should remind yourself of the reason you married your husband...and remember, there are a lot of women out there looking for a good man. Hoping for happiness for you!!! :flowerforyou:

Ali_TSO

Let me preface this by saying, I'm not a fan of this thread. You're right, you cheating does not make you a bad person, and it isn't you that I dislike! But the topic of cheating is such a touchy one for most people.

Since you asked, here are my thoughts.

1. Age is a factor, regardless of how much you feel like you may have loved someone. It is damn near impossible to have a mature relationship at the ages you stated. No excuse to cheat, but it makes sense. I wouldn't call it boredom, but I would say that you found a sense of security in those relationships and routines that made you feel comfortable. So even when you no longer wanted to be in said relationship, you stayed because it was like being with your best friend. But you weren't passionately attracted to them anymore so instead of breaking up and dealing with being alone, you strayed and got a fix.

2. Marriage is not dating. So if you have those thoughts, you need to address them not push them down. Pushing them away will lead to exactly what you want to avoid: cheating. You need to ask yourself why you're having these thoughts. Are you still attracted to him? Were you in similar places in life when you dated and married? Do you want the same things now?
You've got to remember that 24 is still in crucial developmental stage and you will continue to grow year after year. The question is, are you going to grow on your own or with him?

If you think seeing a therapist will help, go for it. But I would say you can't keep these fears to yourself for too long because its not fair for you to deal with day in and day out, and it isn't fair for your spouse to not get your best.

Make sense?

Disclaimer: I'm a mental health professional, but not a therapist! I'm finishing my master's in counseling, but that doesn't mean my advice is sound haha

I think your advice is some of the best on this thread, and I agree with you 100%. Thanks!

Ali_TSO

It doesn't really sound like your a chronic cheater. It pretty much boils down to you needing attention from more than one man because YOU are not satisfied with YOU. Therapist might help, but you need to want to change or accept yourself.

Absolutely.

19kat55

I think a therapist could help you. My philosophy on life is this. Do not expect anyone to make you happy. You are responsible for your own happiness. You have to be happy with you and find your own happiness. That does not mean other people can't contribute to your happiness but you have to find out what makes you happy and not put that responsibility on another human. It is not fair to them or yourself. People always disappoint. And don't equate love with sex. I've been married to my wonderful husband for 26 years. I have never once considered cheating on him. I love him and don't care if there is something better out there. I am committed to him. And no I do not look to him to make me happy. But we are happy.

Elf_Princess1210

Think you're labelling yourself - at the ages you've mentioned I would put that down as pretty standard behaviour...
If you're looking outside of your marriage currently; you need to look at that relationship to see what is not right, forget the past!

Just my opinion

:flowerforyou:

Thanks :flowerforyou:

This!

aamon17

In my humble opinion, being attracted to someone else has nothing to with whether or not you're in love with someone else. You can be MADLY in love with your spouse & in your humanity still find other people attractive. Attraction is natural. What you DO with those feelings of attraction is the issue at hand.

Cheating is a choice. You can choose to be faithful or you can choose to cheat. We can easily place ourselves in position to "slip up" or "make a mistake". And by the same token, we can run like hell when we see trouble coming OR better yet FEEL trouble rising up in ourselves. It's all a choice.

Lear from your past. Don't duplicate it. Love yourself, your husband, and your marriage IF you really choose to.

i wish you the best.

drmerc

Sounds like you were sluttin it up

bulbadoof

Maybe you're polyamorous?

I had the same problem for a long time - I'd cheat habitually on people I really enjoyed being with. I wouldn't feel anything. It didn't bother me - he didn't know, I got what I wanted, nobody got hurt. When somebody found out, I really started wondering why I did it. I was happy, I was satisfied in my relationship, I loved and respected the person I was with. I just...like being with different people. It's how I like to live, it's what makes me happy, and it doesn't feel wrong to me.

But my relationships felt a little shallow since this was a part of me I couldn't share without hurting someone. Now I lay it out at the start of a relationship, and if they're not cool with it they're free to go. I feel a lot happier in relationships now that I've identified it and actively seek out open ones as opposed to exclusive ones.

kimber0607

cheating is a 'flaw'?

well I can tell you from someone who has been cheated on..it is a HORRIBLE feeling..as much as the the sexual aspect stings....the lying....deceiving....is far worse....
I dont think when trust has been compromised like that in a marriage, it could ever be rebuilt..it will never ever be the same
Never thought he would get caught and could have never imagined the amount of damage that has been done to our family

I think my husband cheated because he wanted to escape reality....wanted the attention ......fantasy relationship where everything is new...bells and whistles w/ out the worry and stress of mortgage, kids etc
I think it is because the cheater feels crappy about themselves or is unhappy....fill a void

Talk it over with your husband, a friend, or therapist and now that you are MARRIED...just think long and hard about your actions and how they could impact your life and your family
Need to get to the route of the problem and why you have cheated in the past

kim

Mhaney

From one chronic cheater to another - The only thing that stopped me was reality slapping me in the face. You'll meet some one who REALLY doesn't want to put up with it and this will be the person you never wanted to lose. Now I'm too late to save my marriage and not only that, he's taken on some of my bad behaviors. I am no longer a cheater and haven't in a long time, but he is now and he doesn't trust me as far as he can throw me.

I guess I never realized the damage I was doing until it was too late, and by that time he had had enough. Even after ten years of marriage, we were never on the same page, emotionally, at the same time. My divorce is almost final.

Ali_TSO

Just so everyone knows, it's been a long day. But the verdict is: I'm not going to cheat, and I'm going to have a long talk with my husband about things we can BOTH do to improve our marriage.

Renae_Nae

Just so everyone knows, it's been a long day. But the verdict is: I'm not going to cheat, and I'm going to have a long talk with my husband about things we can BOTH do to improve our marriage.

Good!

I this is one of my favorite quotes and has made a world of difference in my relationship.

"Even if 95% of the problems in your marriage are her [or his fault], you can still work on the 5% that's yours. It’s what you have power over. Working on that 5% will do more for your marriage than whining about the 95% over which you have no power. What’s more, when you work on your stuff you give an example to follow" -P. Byerly

StatHaldol

I've been cheated on more times than a blind man in a game of Scrabble with a band of Gypsies! Has a lot to do with self esteem in my humble opinion.

Good luck!