Its FRIDAY... Make me laugh

coraliethomas

Ive been kinda down in the dumps this week, please post your favorite funny jokes/pictures/MEME's... I really need a good giggle!

I will start it off with one of my favorites...

A single mother comes downstairs on a Saturday morning and says to her 2 son's "I will make whatever you want for breakfast... what do you want?"

So the oldest son says "I want some Mother F*cking pancakes!" She says "Excuse me?? WHAT did you say??" And he repeats himself "I want some Mother F*cking pancakes!"

So she takes him to his room and beats the crap out of him... comes back downstairs, rolls up her robe sleeves and looks at the other son and says "NOW, what did you want for breakfast??"

He looks at her with big fearful eyes and says "I dont know, but I dont want no Mother F*cking pancakes!!"

ket_the_jet

Why did the jelly roll?

Because it saw the apple turnover.




Cheers.
-wtk

dmf711

I have a great one from someecards that i wish i could post but i'll just put the link here in case the mods want to smite me. obvious profanity warning. http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1335298036781_3013300.png

ScottyNoHotty

Helicopter, helicopter, HELICOPTER!!!!

coraliethomas

I have a great one from someecards that i wish i could post but i'll just put the link here in case the mods want to smite me. obvious profanity warning. http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1335298036781_3013300.png

HAHAHAH!!!

RAF_Guy

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'




When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it....




I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"



So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.




"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''




I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

coraliethomas

Keep em coming!! LOL!

RAF_Guy

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.



I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.



I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.



My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."



So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

ket_the_jet

What happens when you make a pepper angry?
It gets jalapeño face.


Why did the can crusher quit his job?
He found it soda pressing.


I used to know a good joke about pizza, but my friend told me it was too cheesy.
Cheers.
-wtk

RAF_Guy

”How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’”



“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”

coliema

:laugh:

MrsWilsoncroft

Sometimes your knight in shining armour is just a retard in tin foil!

kimbly71

Check it out - Not to brag, but I think I'm funny! :blushing:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/457593-indecency-in-the-gym

Bobby_Clerici

Have you heard the one about the nuns doing push-ups in the cucumber patch?
That's funny.
I won't repeat it here, because as a catholic, it's offensive to me and others.

RAF_Guy

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw



A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.




A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did


I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: "Did you get my drift?


My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that


My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked


A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you

nszocinski

bump for later

theresmynapkin

**Disclaimer: dirty joke to follow. Those who are easily offended should read no further.***


There was this cowboy who tended to get around a lot. Te finally decided to settle down and wanted a nice virgin girl. So he found one and they married. On their way to a cabin in the woods for their honeymoon, they passed a couple of cows doing it in a field. The wife said, "my dear husband, what are they doing?" The husband replied, "why, they're roping, my wife."
They carried on, and a little further down the road they saw a couple horses doing it. The wife turned and said, "my dear husband, what are they doing?" The husband replied, "why, they're roping, my wife."
Eventually they reach the cabin and as they are getting ready to do it, the wife says, "my dear husband, is that?" The husband replies, "why, that's my rope." The wife nods and then says, "okay, but my dear husband what are those?" The husband replies, "those are my knots."
So they begin doing it, and about halfway through the husband asks, "So, how do you like it?"
The wife replies, "It's okay, but you need to untie those knots, I'm not getting enough rope!"

mvat839

LMAO....you guys are on a roll!

dalexander82

Funny!! :laugh:

sktllmdrhmz

I'd tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long.

Erica27511

***Disclaimer: Dirty Joke***

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Cliffslosinit

I'd tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long.

TL;DR

CountryBoy65

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up
to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the
bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole'
biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he
whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I
sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,
"Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

RAF_Guy

Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day



You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."



"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."



And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel


But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.




So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

coraliethomas

:laugh:

Well thank you guys!! My friday has now gotten off on the right foot!