How to deal with the diet-saboteur friend

vacherin

By the way, what is a tootsie roll? I don't think they have them in the UK.

Fat_Lenny

I think a tootsie roll is some kind of cake (I am in UK too so have no clue really!)

Like everyone else who has posted, I agree that your friend is being unnecessarily hurtful and you should definitely talk to her, in a calm way. I'm no psychologist, but it seems likely that 1) She doesn't realise the effect her flippant remarks have had on you, and more importantly 2) She is upset that because you are not drinking together, your friendship may suffer because drinking was the only social activity you shared.

Glaringly obvious assumptions aside, well done for sticking to your guns, giving up anything completely is really hard. I'm not a huge drinker myself, but a while back I did notice that some friends and I only ever saw each other on nights out. It was getting a bit exhausting, not to mention expensive, until one of us cracked and suggested we try seeing each other in the daytime more often. It was a total revelation! We've been to lunches, bowling, shopping, coffee - and remembered everything. If your friend is willing to try a non-alcohol-centric activity, then do so. It would be a shame for your godchild to miss out on your company too.

Another person asked what weight your friend is compared to you, perhaps there is more than a hint of jealousy going on. Someone who drinks that heavily is not necessarily a full-blown alcoholic, but they're clearly trying to escape from some sort of personal Everest. If she doesn't want to compromise for you then she's not the friend you thought she was, so a cooling off period would be advisable. Anyway, I hope things work out for you, because you seem like a very nice (and witty!) person.

LadyIntrepid

By the way, what is a tootsie roll? I don't think they have them in the UK.

A Tootsie Roll is a candy that looks a bit like poo:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a7/Tootsie_roll_small.jpg

sillygoose03

Maybe she's jealous because you are changing your life and she isn't? Who knows. Sit your friend down and have a heart-to-heart with her. Tell her you're changing your life for you and would like her support, not snarky comments.

creech6317

I'm sorry you're dealing with something so hurtful. I have an opinion that I think may help you.

Here's what you need to do.

First, throw a party at your place. Invite a bunch of friends over including your problem friend. I'm going to call her Sue from here on out since I don't know her real name.

Get a bottle of Vodka and replace the Vodka with water. Throughout the night, tell Sue how happy you are that she finally, through her prodding and badgering, convinced you to re-start your drinking habit. Tell her that you gained back 18lbs and you have trouble controlling your bladder but it's fine because you found these adult diapers on sale so it's really a non-issue. (You may want to have a box of adult diapers handy just as a convincer).

After having 6 or 7 large glasses of "Vodka", invite Sue downstairs so you can show her the updates you did to the basement. (Oh I forgot to mention, make sure you clean the cat litter right before the party starts, and replace the litter box with grape-nuts cereal and about 6 tootsie rolls).

As you go downstairs,lead Sue over to the litter box and in mid-conversation, grab a handful of cat litter (remember it's grape nuts and tootsie rolls) and just start eating that *kitten*. Eat handfuls at a time like you're starving and you've never seen such delicious food in your life. Start crying and chew with your mouth open.

Then get down on 1 knee and propose to Sue, with chocolate stains around your mouth and cat litter (remember it's just grape nuts!) stuck to your chin.

Let me know if Sue stops bothering you.




(Or you could just have a chat with her too, instead of the above, your call).

Seriously, good luck though -- you deserve to be treated with respect. She needs to know that.

OMG!! that is too funny. I could just imagine the persons face. This could be a fun prank to pull on someone just because!

creech6317

But on a serious note, I can relate a little. I have cut down on my drinking since I have been losing weight (I still drink, just not as much as I once did) And it is amazing how many less people hang out now, just because someone chooses not to drink, it isn't a bad thing.
As long as you are feeling better and getting healthy a true friend would be happy for you.

sundaywishes

I haven't had time to read through all the replies, but I'd like to direct you to a tumblr blog, muffintop-less.tumblr by Savannah Rose Neveux.

Not only does she have amazing fat loss/muscle building tips, awesome recipes, motivational pictures and "picture-quotes" (memes, whatever you wanna call them), and other information, she did what you are doing. She has given up alcohol for good since it's so bad for one's metabolism, but that doesn't mean you have to. Her about me states:

During my high school years, I was a straight edge kid. I never drank or got into any serious trouble. I had a pretty healthy view of myself and was actively involved in sports and productive things. Once college hit however, I went a little wild. An unfortunate side effect of too much partying, junk food and an overall unhealthy lifestyle, I became extremely insecure about my body and myself as a person.

I woke up one morning with an incredibly bad hangover. My skin was tingling from dehydration, my head throbbed, the light from my window seared my eyes and the rolls of my beer gut squished together. I realized then and there that I couldn’t continue living my life this way. I immediately got up, threw all the junk food and alcohol away, joined a local gym and started doing research on bodybuilding, nutrition, supplementation and everything to do with fitness.

I stopped complaining about the things I didn’t like and started taking ACTION to fix them.


And then she has this section where she has been asked:
“I have a couple of questions for you: Your friends were into the whole ‘drinking’ and ‘partying’ thing. Did you end up losing those friends? And if not, did you and your friends find other beneficial things to do besides drinking & partying? I have friends who are still into that phase, but I’ve totally outgrown it and now I just want to have a healthy lifestyle but I’m afraid they won’t understand.”

And her response:
Unfortunately, I did end up losing “friends” when I stopped drinking. Fortunately… it was just the people who weren’t REAL friends. REAL friends support you when you decide to do something healthy and good for you.. REAL friends will be there for you when you decide to chase your dreams. It’s the ones that try to drag you back to your old, unhealthy habits, or keep you in a place where THEY are comfortable that you should kick to the curb.
For your REAL friends that stick around… just explain to them why you want to get healthy and why it is important to you. You don’t have to shut them out of your life to get healthy! Just come up with new ways to hang out that doesn’t require getting trashed.
There are plenty of fun things you can do that don’t involve drinking! You just have to get creative! Go out to coffee, go to the beach, have a picnic at the park, have a girls night with movies, do arts and crafts, get manicures and pedicures together, go on a shopping trip, find cool things or clothes at thrift stores, bake healthy protein bars, play tennis, put together a little football or soccer team and go scrimmage at the park, have a photoshoot… These are just a few options I came up with on the spot. There are SO MANY things you can do that don’t involve drinking.. I’m sure you can come up with even better ones than these!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I understand you are the Godmother of this friend's child, but try maybe try out her suggestions and maybe even reach out to her. There is a section on her blog where you can do that. Since she's gone through it and achieved amazing results I think she would have some good overall advice Hope this helps!

This is her

roachhaley

I'm sorry you're dealing with something so hurtful. I have an opinion that I think may help you.

Here's what you need to do.

First, throw a party at your place. Invite a bunch of friends over including your problem friend. I'm going to call her Sue from here on out since I don't know her real name.

Get a bottle of Vodka and replace the Vodka with water. Throughout the night, tell Sue how happy you are that she finally, through her prodding and badgering, convinced you to re-start your drinking habit. Tell her that you gained back 18lbs and you have trouble controlling your bladder but it's fine because you found these adult diapers on sale so it's really a non-issue. (You may want to have a box of adult diapers handy just as a convincer).

After having 6 or 7 large glasses of "Vodka", invite Sue downstairs so you can show her the updates you did to the basement. (Oh I forgot to mention, make sure you clean the cat litter right before the party starts, and replace the litter box with grape-nuts cereal and about 6 tootsie rolls).

As you go downstairs,lead Sue over to the litter box and in mid-conversation, grab a handful of cat litter (remember it's grape nuts and tootsie rolls) and just start eating that *kitten*. Eat handfuls at a time like you're starving and you've never seen such delicious food in your life. Start crying and chew with your mouth open.

Then get down on 1 knee and propose to Sue, with chocolate stains around your mouth and cat litter (remember it's just grape nuts!) stuck to your chin.

Let me know if Sue stops bothering you.




(Or you could just have a chat with her too, instead of the above, your call).

Seriously, good luck though -- you deserve to be treated with respect. She needs to know that.

^ this

ccpowers

bump for later

Bobby_Clerici

Solution: sever the connection.
I did so with all my fat eating and drinking friends. Our interests and goals are no longer the same.
Nature abhors a vacuum. Other fitness oriented people will fill the void.
Good Luck :drinker:

niftyafterfifty

I have never had an alchoholic drink, so I can't address that exact issue. It sounds to me as if your friend feels threatened by your decision. She's taking it personally, as if it's an attack on her because she's still drinking. If she's important to you, and it sounds like she is, you should explain to her how her comments make you feel. Tell her you're serious about this, and you don't want to have to reduce the amount of time you spend with her. Make sure she knows you cherish your friendship and don't feel less about her. Maybe she's just scared of losing you, and she's expressing those fears in all the wrong ways. I hope it gets better.

vacherin

Wow, I hadn't expected so many replies - thank you SO much, everyone!

In answer to the question about what my friend's own weight is like in comparison to mine (which I meant to answer but forgot - sorry), I don't look like Rihanna's hotter sister so there is no chance of any jealousy on her part there. However - and this might sound weird, but it's true - we are exactly the same height and approx. the same dress size (she's a UK 14, I'm a UK 14-16), she weighs 14lbs less than me, yet I seem to carry the weight better. She is lighter and smaller but she is pure jelly (due, I am sure, to the fact that she puts away a bottle of wine a night and never exercises, EVER). Which is fine, but what I don't understand is that she is paranoid about ageing and is very self-conscious about looking much older than her husband, who is much younger. If you want to drink a bottle of wine a night and do no exercise then fine, but don't then rubbish people who don't wish to join you - and don't gripe about looking old!

Most of my friends and family, by contrast, have been very supportive. I even have one friend who offered not to drink himself when we met up, so that I wouldn't be tempted - obviously there is no way I would expect anyone to do that, but the fact that he even thought of it was so kind. My husband was pretty rubbish at first (supportive in words but not in deeds, saying, "Well done, babe - keep it up!" in between glugs of Belgian beer) but even he is better now and has stopped suggesting afternoons at the pub, instead suggesting bike rides in the park and so on. People on MFP, especially those who have done - or are doing - the same thing, have been magnificent. Without their/your support, I would have hurt myself and/or others by now!

jessrbt

I had a friend that was the same way about my weight loss, it made her uncomfortale that I was looking better, feeling better, and apparently getting more attentin than her, which totally phased me because the only attention I want or need is from my hubby. We had been friends since highschool, were pregnant togther, yes she is godmother to my son, and shared our lives, and our husbands were good friends as well and we all graduated from highschool a few years apart. Her snide comments and verbal back hands got to be too much for me. I needed support from her and all I got was nasty tude. I talked with my husband and my mom and they both said it was time to walk away. A frienenemy is not a person you need in your life, negative, toxic people just bring you down. So I broke off ourfriendship. It was hard and it hurt and yes I do miss her every now and then but I think to myself that she could only be happy with me when I was overweight, guess she was no real friend to begin with. I have to say I have been much happier without her in my life for the last year and a half, I've made new friends, and acctually gotten closer to my bestest friend my hubby, it all works out in the end. Life is too short to be unhappy, surround yourself with postive people who are not competting with you but really love you for who you are.

cmeade20

Sometimes I lie and say I'm drinking a vodka tonic when I'm really drinking seltzer water :-)


Most times I say if you dont like it you can shove it up your *kitten* (or something like that)

cmeade20

I'm sorry you're dealing with something so hurtful. I have an opinion that I think may help you.

Here's what you need to do.

First, throw a party at your place. Invite a bunch of friends over including your problem friend. I'm going to call her Sue from here on out since I don't know her real name.

Get a bottle of Vodka and replace the Vodka with water. Throughout the night, tell Sue how happy you are that she finally, through her prodding and badgering, convinced you to re-start your drinking habit. Tell her that you gained back 18lbs and you have trouble controlling your bladder but it's fine because you found these adult diapers on sale so it's really a non-issue. (You may want to have a box of adult diapers handy just as a convincer).

After having 6 or 7 large glasses of "Vodka", invite Sue downstairs so you can show her the updates you did to the basement. (Oh I forgot to mention, make sure you clean the cat litter right before the party starts, and replace the litter box with grape-nuts cereal and about 6 tootsie rolls).

As you go downstairs,lead Sue over to the litter box and in mid-conversation, grab a handful of cat litter (remember it's grape nuts and tootsie rolls) and just start eating that *kitten*. Eat handfuls at a time like you're starving and you've never seen such delicious food in your life. Start crying and chew with your mouth open.

Then get down on 1 knee and propose to Sue, with chocolate stains around your mouth and cat litter (remember it's just grape nuts!) stuck to your chin.

Let me know if Sue stops bothering you.




(Or you could just have a chat with her too, instead of the above, your call).

Seriously, good luck though -- you deserve to be treated with respect. She needs to know that.

Oh to hell with what I said! Do this!

mabernier

Only 20 in six months.... How about WOW, 20 in six months! You rock!

mabernier

I have a pusher friend as well. She pushes because then she doesn't feel bad about what she is eating herself. I have struggled getting my food under control for many years. She is struggling also and is very unhappy with herself and her situation but doesn't do anything to change it. I am taking action and trying to change, so when she tries pushing food, alcohol or whatever it is on me, I just look at her and think how sad that she doesn't love herself enough to change. I feel sorry for her. It helps me be less angered by her continued efforts to try and tempt me and I can think in my head that she probably wishes so much that she could be like me and at least keep trying. I'm not always successful, but I do continue to try and that's what is important. Every once in awhile, let yourself have an alcoholic beverage or try options that are less calories like Michelob Ultra Lime Cactus Beer or the new Michelob Ultra Light Ciders...they are great and around 100 calories each. Maybe your friend will back off if she sees you cheating!

txdistancerider

It does not sound to me like she is a very good friend as if she was she would support you 100% and not make such nasty comments.

I personally still enjoy a beer or two now and then while trying to lose weight , but I would NEVER criticize or sabotage a friend who decided to give it up. In fact I have a sister in law who gave it up about 6 months ago and I look forward to seeing her updates on Facebook about how long she has been sober. When we are around her we make sure there are adequate non-alcholic options availalbe so she feels comfortable and we support her any way we can.

Honestly it sounds like she is jealous of your progress which is very sad as she should be there to support you instead. Oh and 13lbs in 6 months is just fine....the slower you lose it the better you will do in keeping it off.

Personally if it were me I'd have a really blunt and honest talk with this "friend" and if she can't support you and your new healthy lifestyle than she is truly NOT A FRIEND after all.

txlissa62

She puts away a bottle of wine a night, and she has a kid? That poor kid.