rant-- my MOTHER!

soupandsandwich

I just had a visit from my mother. She is 75. She's been pretty much thin, although she was kind of heavy for awhile. I think the biggest size she ever wore was a 16. She is quite thin now.
But she has always made comments about me and my sisters' weight. We are all in about the same boat.
I don't know if I'm just hypersensitive about it, but so many things that come out of her mouth are like a slap in the face.
She is one of these people that will start off saying how they don't let something bother them, and then continue to tell you all about it. And then if you point out how it sounds like it really does bother them, they say it doesn't.
She talked about how round and fat someone was, and then did the Seinfeld classic line, 'Not that there's anything wrong with that.'.
There were other things she said and did too, but she always ALWAYS had to comment on people's sizes. And then will say 'But I don't care, or pay attention to things like that -- it doesn't matter'. Ok -- so why do you always have to mention how thin, or fat someone is.
My sister was here too, and they had recently seen a cousin of mine. Mom commented on how thin she was, and how her teeth looked different. My sister said she was way too thin and sick looking. I said maybe she was bulimic / anorexic, because that does wear your teeth down. But my mother said 'She's very attractive'.
Anorexia is an illness. A serious, deadly illness. My mom has unlimited sympathy for people who suffer from this.
Well, isn't chronic obesity an illness too? Why is the person who starves herself worthy of her sympathy, while the person who compulsively over eats not worthy of even the most modest amount of dignity or respect?
Eh--- I'm not even making sense. I have got to put up a shield whenever I'm around my mom so as not to get stung by her little comments. Putting me down in her passive aggressive way, will not get me to lose weight. Commenting about my sister's weight will not get me to lose weight. Talking about how attractive someone else is, or how thin they are, will not help me.
I love my mother -- -I really do. But her head is so clouded by what she thinks should be, and by bitterness about what she did or didn't do -- things that did or didn't happen --- she can't even see the way things are. She hangs on to things that happened a million years ago.

I don't want to do that. I want to let go of every little hurt that I had as a child ( I was never fat as a child, but she would still make comments. Someone was always thinner, prettier, ... just better)
And I want to be strong enough to withstand what ever she, or anyone else might say in the future.

Ok - end of rant. Sorry!

caite19

Wow, sounds like my mother.

She's currently 350 pounds, and I'm slowly getting closer to 300 (312 and losing!), and she gets really mad when I exercise and diet.

It's just sad. Take care of yourself and don't focus on what anyone else thinks.

:happy:

jklm

I know what you're talking about. Your best option is to mother yourself. Be loving to yourself. And work to rid your mind of all the negatives. You are worth it! Focus on YOU and TODAY.

Demetria

I know how you feel. I barely call my mom because she goes on and on about other people, gets herself all worked up and there's nothing she can do about it. I learned a long time ago to not waste my precious energy on stuff or people I have no control over.

Try some anti stress exercises whenever she starts working on your nerves. Deep breathing, chant/repeat a calming phrase to yourself, let her know you are ignoring her comments. It won't happen overnight but you will develop a "thick skin" to your advantage.

caite19, let your mom know that it hurts you when she reacts that way to you, trying to take care of yourself, it's not fair to you, it's wrong of her as your mother to have that behavior towards you. Let her know that she is welcome to join you in your activities, if she starts making excuses then, say that's fine but do not be negative when you are putting in an effort to better yourself and she is not.

Don't feel bad about venting, we all do it and we need to.

Demetria

sajar_06

WOW!!! If I did not know better I would think you were talking about my mother. I have been there and heard all that. I weighed 247 pounds and now I weigh 107 pounds and all I hear is how I am too thin. I need to gain weight. For what so she can needle me over that too. Not a Chance. I love her dearly but she works my last nerve. Maybe soon you can get tough skinned over it. I will pray it gets better. God Bless, Brenda

rochelle971

Well, it sounds like my mother has a twin sister.(lol) It's good to rant, but it's better to heal. Trust me, I'm in the healing phase. All I can say is this. Some relationships (no matter how sacred) are toxic. People like that may never see themselves for what they are ...so we have to see ourselves for what we are. We are important jewels who matter in this world regardless of what people think or say.

Chin up.
Chris

aprilf

That's my mother and grandmother rolled into one. I've got the best of both worlds, I get told I need to loose weight and then scolded for not eating enough dinner. Its not like I didn't fill my plate up, but do I have to have seconds, thirds, and desert? Think the whole thing might be related.

I went home to visit family and my boyfriend over Labor Day weekend. Spent the whole weekend eating and now I've found myself back at my starting weight. I need to figure out how to control my eating and control my stress over being around them!

shinybonnie

I'm so sorry! That is really tough. I hope it doesn't effect your ability to be good to yourself and lose weight / get in shape. After an experience like that, I can imagine that some Haagan Das would be very tempting... don't give in! Go sign up for a KICK BOXING class! :laugh: That'll make you feel better!

Marla64

Venting, I guess, helps to a degree-- but what we really need to do, ladies (and I have a mom, myself) is break the cycle with our own children-- our own daughters.

We learn from the good and the bad in life-- seek to adopt the good, and reject the bad-- but learn from both--

If these things hurt us, may we never, ever perpetuate them with our own children--

AliceLMS

Hooray!!! And Amen Marla!!!

stamps4fun

i think this is kind of a mind set of older people. they seem to live in the past. hope i don't get that
way myself, as i'm getting there.......
my friend who i work with, has been encouraging yet full of advice about
how i am not eating right or healthy...hello?
i am eating more healthy than i ever have and my fat consumption
is way down and my weight loss shows that. i don't think she is jealous of my but she
did say i don't eat anything anymore and i'm no fun..........well, i have a new way of thinking.
i realize how loaded with empty calories our foods are and i don't chose to eat that way
anymore. yet she can lecture me about what is healthy and what i do wrong and she subjects me to her second
hand smoke ................how healthy is that??
be true to yourself. you have to do this for you....not to please anyone else!

martha

pbgolding

I used to hear it all of the time as well, so I know what all of you are saying. I think part of the reason I got so heavy in life was Mom always telling me not to eat something, so I ate it out of spite and only hurt myself, and gave her something else to pick on me for. I have children and like Marla I am determined to stop the cycle. My kids know they are great the way they are, and all I want for them in life is to be healthy and happy.

BrendaLee

Sometimes, when it's your mother, you just have to forgive and forget. The exception is, if the relationship is toxic, and she refuses to change. Little things can be tolerated, but the last thing you need is someone putting you down and hurting you. She's 75 though...probably not going to change too much at this point.

I had a hard life with my mom when I was growing up, but she's so wonderful to me and my daughter now, I can't hold too much against her.

Momma2four

Maybe it is just your mothers way (not making excuses) and it is not personal like your taking it. If she is the type of woman you could tell that those things bother you, I would tell her. I am not sure what to say, All I know right or wrong she is your mother. The only one you will ever have. Good luck

ilike2moveit

WOW!!! If I did not know better I would think you were talking about my mother. I have been there and heard all that. I weighed 247 pounds and now I weigh 107 pounds and all I hear is how I am too thin. I need to gain weight. For what so she can needle me over that too. Not a Chance. I love her dearly but she works my last nerve. Maybe soon you can get tough skinned over it. I will pray it gets better. God Bless, Brenda

Not meaning to sidetrack the post but I looked at the pictures in your profile and I think you look great! Congratulations on your weight loss; it's such an inspiration to others!

soupandsandwich

I agree and can relate to every single reply.

I was just thinking to myself, before I got on the computer, how I never want to get like her. I think I have stopped the cycle. My relationship with my kids is very different from the one my mom had with me and my siblings.

And she's not an evil, mean spirited women. But she does say these things purposefully. Like, she told my sister and I that we were lucky to have big thighs because it meant we were less likely to have a heart attack. So I chuckle, and say, 'well, I have a big belly too, so I'm not sure my big thighs are helping me out'. I don't know why she says stuff like that. My sister and I know how big our thighs are.

But I know my mom has her own issues. She thinks she had it super tough when she was a kid, and she did in a lot of ways, but certainly not the worst out there.

There is no talking to her about it. I just keep my mouth shut for the most part. So does my sister. I have to admit we don't enjoy spending too much time with her, which is sad. But I'm also not going to spend the time I have with her arguing. I just try to change the subject, or else I leave and go talk to someone else.

It's the way she is, the way she always has been, and the way she always will be. The only fixing to be done is within me.

Thanks for listening. I'm sorry that it seems like so many others have the same type of problems. For all of us exposed to this type of thing, we have to be extra careful that we don't act the same way. Maybe we are at an advantage, because we know how little comments can hurt. We know the damage they can do. We know what not to do.

happybunny494

Hey, you can do it! And remember that you do this all for you and your health and happiness, and not for what anyone else thinks. It's the only way to ever BE healthy and happy in your own body

My mother did (does) the same thing, and I'm 41. I'm a recovering anorexic. It didn't matter if I was 140, under 100, or anything inbetween - it wasn't right. I was either, fat, skinny, flabby, or I worked out too much...a lifetime revolving around what my mother would say about my weight.

Until now Now, I don't know what I weigh, I eat what I like and keep it healthy. I don't need to be and shouldn't be a size 4 or 2 or God forbid a 0.

I learned that I was the only one who cared so much - no one else does. Everyone around me thinks I look great My mother, well...she's toxic, and not allowed in my recovery.

So hopefully you are doing all of it for you! And when you get to a point where you like how you feel when you go up the stairs, you wake up happy and refreshed every day, your outfit makes you smile when you put it on and you love wearing jeans - it doesn't matter what the numbers are - you are so there

soupandsandwich

Why do I feel so guilty about using the term 'toxic', when referring to my mother. I feel like some spoiled brat who needs to blame their mother for everything.
It's more complicated than that though. There are some aspects of our relationship that probably are toxic. Is that possible?
I love my mother, but I know to not ever talk to her about anything big. I keep it all light and superficial. Nothing that really matters.
I will still hear her little digs and me and my sisters, about our weight. But I think I can be strong enough to not let them affect me.
I am 45. I am also not a perfect mother. My mother did the best she could. She doesn't truly understand or know me, and that is sad. But I will take the superficial, light relationship over no relationship at all.

happybunny494

Never forget that no matter how old you are - mom is the adult, ad you are her child. That is a relationship that should never be reversed. And there are boundaries of that relationship that should not be crossed, tested, bent, or broken.

No mother is perfect!! There is no such thing as perfection except in nature Whew! Thankfully! Perfection is way too hard of a goal to reach. What I've done is taken things to very simplistic basics....what do my kids need fundamentally to survive and thrive, what do they need to make them mentally and physically happy, and what do they want to create that bond - and then those same needs and wants for myself. Voila - goals.

You won't feel guilty when you realize truly that your mom wants to ultimately put the focus on herself, and not on you and your sisters...whether it's negatively or positively being done, it doesn't matter as long as it's done. The process will continually frustrate you and make you unhappy, until you figure out a way to control your interaction, reaction, etc. I highly recommend this book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride. It's not psycho-babble, it's real people and real situations in plain language. It made me say, "Yeah, I know what that feels like!"

Peace...and if you ever need to rant...let me know Believe me when I say, it's a great pleasure to give back when I can.