Self Sabbotage, Frustration, Need Motivation

lanteik

I am a self sabbotager. I'm so frustrated and tired of being overweight. I am at the point where I need the drive to finally lose the weight or to give up and accept myself the way I am.

Here is my story:
I'm 29 years old about to turn 30 in a few months. I have always struggled with my weight, but I have been "plus" size for the last 9 years. In high school I wasn't thin, I was probably about a size 10 / 12, which I would love to be again. I later came to realize that I had an eating disorder my sophmore / junior year of high school. On an average day I would consume less than 500 calories / 20 grams of fat a day, and I would work out at least 2-3 hours a day. The summer after my junior year I met my husband to be and started to not care so much about my weight and the way I looked because he accepted me and loved me the way I was. Growing up my dad always teased me about my weight, which probably fueled my body issues, and I was on drill team and was surrounded by people that were thin and felt I had to live up to that expectation. I got down to a size 6 and still thought I was fat, and I was extremely unhealthy (looking back on pictures). So... I meet my future husband and start to gain the weight back and started to eat like a normal person again (maybe too normal because I was eating out a lot). By the time I graduated high school I was probably back to my 10/12 size. The year after I graduated high school, I literally put on 80 lbs; this I think was a combination of eating bad, wrecking my metabolism by eating so few calories, doing metabolife to try to lose weight, and not exercising as much as I once was. One day I was shopping in the regular size clothes, and the next day I was shopping at Lane Bryant wondering how I had gotten to this place (I was a size 14 at this time). I had people making comments to me left and right -- my dad said wow you really blew up, I had people saying oh what happened to you, and I one person said wow you were just starting to look so good (referring to when I was a size 6). My self esteem plumeted into the ground, my relationship suffered, I didn't want to see anyone from highschool for fear that I would be judged by them (still to this day I feel this way). Over the next 5 years I gained more and more weight. At my heaviest I was a size 24 and was over 270 lbs. How did this happen? By this point I had no self esteem, was embarassed of where I was at, and I thought about my weight 24/7. At that time, I was pushing a size 26 and thought I had to change. I cut out beef, drank lots of water, and quit eating after 7 PM. I lost 40 lbs and thought finally the weight is going to start coming off. Then as time went by the weight crept back up to 260 right before my wedding. I was determined to lose a lot of weight before my wedding; I wasn't going to be a "plus" size bride. I was able to lose about 20 lbs before my wedding and was still the "plus" size bride I never wanted to be; I can't stand to look at those wedding pictures because all I do is pick myself apart in them. After my wedding I was able to lose about 15 lbs. I was eating a lot healthier than the years before, and I had a really good exercise regimine going. So that leads me to today where I am down 225, and I am in a size 20 pants 14/16 top.

Don't get me wrong I am happy that I have lost 35 lbs in the last 2 years; however, I am to a point where I am so frustrated with this back and forth dieting. I lived my 20s as being overweight, and I don't want to live my 30s this way. I am determined to lose the weight, but I am constantly self sabbotaging myself. My problem is food it is not working out. I enjoy working out; I have no problem with it. I have a problem with food. I quit smoking and have been smoke free for 3 years now; that was so easy compared to losing weight. I have a habit of eating healthy all day or all week and then going nutzo. I have to come terms with the fact that I can not eat like every normal person; I have to eat extremely healthy if I ever want to lose this weight. Yes, I've had my thryoid tested, and it is fine. I'm so frustrated by this and disguisted by myself that I want to give up. I have friends that are losing weight very quickly by doing dieting programs (nutrisystem, quick weight loss, etc), and it is so tempting to jump on board to lose the weight quickly. But I know deep down that once I get to my goal weight I will not of properly learned how to eat, and I'll gain it back. I'm not in this to lose it temporarily; I'm in it to lose it for good and the healthy way. When I quit smoking I told people about it; maybe I did that so that someone would hold me accountable to it. Maybe by posting this and telling people about me and my weight journey I will feel accountable. I want to lose it to be healthier, to start a family, to feel better, to have more confidence, and to just not have to constantly think about it.

I don't want to give up, but I don't know what to do. I know how I need to lose the weight (cut back on calories, eat less sugar / carbs, and eat more lean meat and fruits and veggies). This is not me, this is not who I am; I'm tired of looking at other women wishing I was their size.

I need help, support, motivation, and need the drive / will to do it. Any suggestions, thoughts, motivation / support, stories of people in a simliar situation that had success or are at the same point as me would be helpful I think.

Thank you for listening

slimmingmom

Wow girl! I have never been a size six but if you're an unhealthy size six then it's not even worth it. I would love to be no bigger than a size 10. If you want to chat and keep eachother in line and what not let me know. Just message me on here. I messed up my metabolism big time too when I didn't realize that it would actually make me larger in the long run. And I use to starve my self from 7th grade until I met my husband...but during that whole time it was up and down up and down. Starving, not starving, starving, not starving and I did a lot of damage to my body. From June to the end of July I was eating the healthiest i've ever eaten in my life and felt my best too and was losing about 2 1/2 pounds per week. I've been off of that for almost a month now (a lot of emotional life stress got the best of me) and tomorrow i'm getting back on track and i'm really excited!!!!

reinvented

Hello,
First of all, remember that you can change your whole life, your whole being, at any time you like. You create your world, your thoughts, yourSELF. Don't be afraid and frustrated that you can't...because you can! You CAN be thinner and healthier and happier with yourself.
You must find the drive to lose the weight AND accept yourself the way you are. It is not a this-OR-that thing. Accept the way you are right now AND, in doing that, find the drive to lose the weight. Seems counter-intuitive maybe, but it's not. It's what I did...first I accepted that I was larger than I wanted to be, but that it was okay (and I was okay) because I was going to do something about it. Before I began to do anything about it (eat better, exercise), self-blame and disgust would run through my head over and over. Eventually I realized that it was ridiculous for me to be stuck in a self-loathing rut because I hadn't even really tried to do anything about it. Sure, I had half-heartedly attempted to cut back on some calories here and there, but I hadn't enacted any real change. Change is hard. People will often stay in a negative situation - or a negative state - simply because it is familiar. Is that what you're doing? That's what I was doing. Then I moved to a different city and experienced REAL change...and was okay with it!...which helped me to realize that I hadn't actually made changes to my diet and lifestyle...I was just doing a little something here and there so that I could believe I was "trying." But now I've started doing! And it's been great! I've lost weight and, though I'm not my ideal weight, I'm okay with it - studies show that eating well and exercising improves body confidence even if no weight has been lost. And you know why? Because you're doing something...REALLY TRULY doing something...and you know it and that is empowering. When I was in a rut of self-loathing, I was absolutely UNempowered because I was blaming the extra weight on things I considered out of my control. Now when I look at pictures where I think I look fat, I'm just glad I snapped out of it.
Some practical advice that helped me lose weight: I started chewing my food three times as long. I was a scarf-er before, which allows you to consume vast amounts of food before you even realize you're full. When you chew your food longer, it aids digestion which will help you lose weight in the long run. In addition, it has the advantage of making the amount of food you're eating seem larger because it's taking a long time to consume it. At first, I had to be really conscious of chewing slowly, but now it's habit and I do it without thinking. My portion size has significantly decreased...and the crazy thing is that I am no more hungry than I ever was before. Seriously. I'm not just saying that.
Anyway, give yourself some love! Give yourself some room! Allow yourself to have made the mistakes that have created your overweight self...because you're human...and simply correct them now. Now's the time! Reinvent!
Much love and health and confidence to you!

BrendaLee

Hi there. You know, you can't give up...it's great to accept yourself as you are, but when it comes to weight, it's just not healthy to be overweight. If you follow the guidelines here at MFP, eat the recommended calories including your exercise calories, log everything and be honest with yourself, you will lose the weight. Take advantage of all of the support the community here offers, join a challenge, vent if you need to...take it slow, and forgive yourself if you slip up- whether it be one meal, a day, a week, or a whole month. We all slip, and it's an inevitable part of the journey.

Good luck.

Zara11

I have to come terms with the fact that I can not eat like every normal person; I have to eat extremely healthy if I ever want to lose this weight.

Bad mindset! Yes, there are some people with amazing metabolism who eat tons that can get away with it, looks-wise. However, the majority of the women I spend time with are a size 4 at the most... and I assure you that every single one of them eats very well and works out, too. They also do this will full awareness that they are being a healthy as possible. And THAT is why they maintain their weight.

Disclaimer: I am not saying that size 4 is necessary to be healthy/etc. That would be silly. But my point is that you seem to have this idea that eating normally does not equal eating very healthily, when in fact it does. You are NOT eating abnormally when you eat healthily. You are eating normally. You are eating ABNORMALLY when you succumb to calorie bombs at the end of the day.

Change the mindset!!! You KNOW how to do it well - so use MFP to help you keep on track, enjoy that exercise, and may your health and self esteem be through the roof! :flowerforyou:

CarmenSantiago

Wow I could so relate to you as I read your post. I could have been writing it but for a few changes. I too self sabatoge. I get down to about 180sh and all of sudden viola I let myself get back to 200. It happens every time. Anyway, I agree you do have to be accountable to someone, you do have to track your calories, and you do have to exercise. BUT the weight loss is just a bandaid. It only treats the condition caused by something deeper. As my boyfriend says it's like treating a person with lung cancer for a cough. You may get rid of the cough but the cancer remains. Your food/addiction/body images will remain until you figure out why you do what you do. You're right, you will get to goal and you will gain the weight back. I'm speaking from experience. Not that I've EVER gotten to my goal, but I know that there is such expectations about goal that when you stop fighting the weight what will you fight then? You will have to face the underlying issues or you will just flounder. Again, I'm directing all of this to me as well as you. I know all the right things to say, I know all the right things to do. It's actually doing them, feeling them, that I work on daily. Good Luck to you! Please keep in touch.

vraehn

I wonder if you are planning your meal and entering it before you eat (pro active) or eat then enter the food (reactive). I believe that proactive is the only way to really lose. I eat everything I want but I find that I must measure and calorie count. I am able to keep all my fat calories down by making different choices that satisfy me just as well. I even eat ice cream--measured. When I over-do on lunch and breakfast--it is a huge salad for me for dilnner! And only about 30 calories-0 fat. I only use rice vinegar and salt and pepper on it. You can do it better than I can.

Do you work--then brown bag it. The very best way to control your lunch calories. Drink only water--sometimes diet pop actually has an adverse effect on weight.

Sometimes I only have me to motivate me and I can make it enough if I choose to.

FireMonkey

I also grew up with very critical relatives. I've finally learned to ignore them but it took many years, and moving halfway around the earth which probably isn't realistic for most people

My personal take is that it's more important to eat healthy and live healthy than to worry about getting into a specific size. I know the current thinking is that excess weight is bad, always, under any circumstances. But I think it makes a difference if you're overweight from eating Twinkies all day and your only exercise is moving between your couch and your fridge, or if you're eating healthy and exercising regularly and for some reason you can't get below a certain weight. I believe it's more important to get into eating and living in a healthy way. Then, even if you're overweight, you're still way ahead of people who live in unhealthy ways, regardless if they're overweight or skinny.

Don't compare yourself to your friends; think of nagging relatives as poor ignorant people who don't know anything about the mechanisms of gaining and losing weight, and find sources of self-esteem within yourself. Happiness is more than a size 6. :drinker: