How to handle an unsupportive family?

onyxgirl17

My question is generally how to handle how my dad views food. I live with him and my husband (King of Queens type situation, mother passed away recently.... actually of diabetes at age 49).... and my dad drives me crazy with his beliefs about food.

Before we moved in, him and my mom ate only processed food, tv dinners, eating out, and TONS of soda, juices, etc.

We moved in, and I've been trying to eat much healthier so me or my husband cook on most nights. My dad will say something snarky like "oh I see you are cooking, you care too much about food then...." and I wanna say "no, I care about my health!!!". Like today I had a hard-boiled egg and my dad said "Oh, I see you cooked that *condescending tone*". Then he will go and eat chips, soda, hot dogs, bologna, etc. etc. !!!! He thinks the love of food killed my mom (which it did contribute) but I'm trying to get my life right. I don't touch soda, I don't touch juices!!!!!!

When I was young I used to watch my mother obsess over the scale and never lose weight but count her calories (she wouldn't count the 2 L pepsi's she was drinking regularly). I followed in her footsteps about the obsessing part and developed an eating disorder when I was a teenager. It took awhile for me to break out of it, and basically I just made myself busy with other things to forget about it.

Now I'm trying to lose some weight the healthy way, by making sure I get all my nutrients and not depriving myself and also exercising.

It's just hard when family is being judgmental... he says things like "oh exercise won't change anything".

*sigh*

sa11yjane

It's tough when those close to you are unsupportive, and especially difficult if they are eating unhealthy foods in front of you and tempting you. I would try not to get into confrontation over it as that might make you frustrated/mad/sad and could retrigger old eating issues. I would just take a deep breath, smile sweetly and say 'yes, this is what I'm having and I'm really looking forward to it' or 'yes, I've decided to eat healthily in order to look after my body as I'd like to live a long and healthy life.'. Don't get drawn into discussions etc as they will undoubtedly bring you down. Go somewhere and scream if you have to!!! Sometimes we just have to put ourselves first and it's really great that you are. I wish you well on your weight loss journey x

SherryTeach

It's tough when those close to you are unsupportive, and especially difficult if they are eating unhealthy foods in front of you and tempting you. I would try not to get into confrontation over it as that might make you frustrated/mad/sad and could retrigger old eating issues. I would just take a deep breath, smile sweetly and say 'yes, this is what I'm having and I'm really looking forward to it' or 'yes, I've decided to eat healthily in order to look after my body as I'd like to live a long and healthy life.'. Don't get drawn into discussions etc as they will undoubtedly bring you down. Go somewhere and scream if you have to!!! Sometimes we just have to put ourselves first and it's really great that you are. I wish you well on your weight loss journey x

Excellent advice. You can't change other people. You can only take care of yourself. Don't engage in fruitless argument.

HorganMom3

Wow, I'm sorry for your loss and the challenges that have come with it. Just try to remember that even though sometimes it may seem impossible, we are never handed anything we can't handle.
If it's bothering you that much then you need to have a sit down with your dad. Explain to him the way that you feel, and that although you would love for him to join you in quest for being healthier you cannot make that deicision for him. You can however tell him that there is also a matter of respect here. You respect him and he needs to respect you. You need to voice to him that he has the right to his own way of life and his opinion, but that so do you and this is the choice both you and your husband have made. If his opinions reach the disrespectful point then he needs to keep them to himself, you care not to hear them.

Twiztedbeing

Just remember its your life. If you think its time for a change, then it probably is. If family isn't supportive, then use that as your way of pushing yourself to prove them wrong. Wish you the best.

bathsheba_c

It would help to have a phrase handy that stops you from being sucked into an argument. Something along the lines of, "You have your way of eating, and I have mine." Then, whenever he tries to argue with you, you can just repeat that ad infinitum.

baddbob

You can show your Dad with your results. Keep focused and don't let his comments drag you down. If you lead by example and kill him with kindness and care, he will eventually get on the bandwagon. Keep focused and don't let anything get in the way of your goals. You can accomplish anything you set your mind to. My favorite line is, "Winners find ways to win......Losers find excuses." You can win and not only change your life, but those around you!!

Bobby_Clerici

His house - his rules.
If you don't like it, move out.
Sure, he could be nicer, but you're the guest in his home, so stop complaining and be thankful he opened his home up to you and your husband.
I better never have some adult kid move back home and start in on how I eat.
He'd be packing in an instant :huh:

onyxgirl17

bobby-cleric, he wouldn't have a house if it wasn't for us. He doesn't work and we pay the bills, including the food bills. He pays for nothing. He is waiting until he is of social security age to support himself. Until then, we have put life on hold to support him. Thanks for your non-advice in assuming I was sucking resources from my father.

onyxgirl17

I can empathize with this.

This isn't about what he's saying directly. It's about the fact that her father feels the need to point this behavior out as if it's freakish, when it makes her happy.

It's not about the situation directly, it's about his continual unnecessary comments on the matter.

Here's what I've found to help. I too moved in with my father after my mother passed, I was in college and struggling, he needed company and a woman presence to keep up with things he knew nothing about. Like laundry. I chose to change my life last summer, and drastically changed my diet. At first my father was stubborn, made comments about the foods. How I would have spinach that went bad weekly, as if somehow the 3.00 bag, that gets a quarter unused was the biggest waste in the house in regards to food.

My father has type 1 diabetes, after he had type 2 for years, and now suffers cirrhosis of his liver. He makes no attempt to keep his health in check, unless it directly effects his physical comfort in the moment. It frustrated me for a LONG time. I would always point out to him, "Why buy the walmart white bread, when you can get the whole food stuff just across the street?", "Why do you insist buying 1.00 burritos when all you do is eat 6 a day?"

After awhile I stopped looking. I just did what I did, he did what he did. The difference, was that I lost 60 lbs, started gaining confidence with fitness, my food choices changed, I stopped going out to eat. Which meant he no longer had a food buddy to go with. I became happy, while he stayed the same.

Then one day my father asked me, what "out" place cane you eat at? I mentioned occasionally IHOP, Dennny's, Cafe Rio. While the list is pretty short, there are a "few" places I can go to if you catch me early in the day.

He then started asking me every saturday if I wanted to go out to eat "my pick". This continued.....

He then started to order what I ordered. Like clockwork. I would talk to him about how much changing my diet and exercising made me feel good. He could see the change himself.

Today, my dad picks up things for me when he goes grocery shopping. Things he knows are staple foods for me. Like apples, quinoa, a certain brand milk from costco. He never did that before.

I would say, keep up what your doing, and be sure to share how much that means to you at least weekly. Point out what it used to be like, what it's like now. In time, your father will come around.

Thank you for your input. I needed to hear that. I have been going along with what I've been doing and hopefully in a year there will be a nice change in my healthy which will make him have the same realization your father had with you. I want him to be healthy as well, I think he doesn't feel he has much to live for since mom passed away and I'm the only positive thing in his life so he doesn't want me to go the same way mom did. He just is misinformed about eating healthily lol.

Shannota

Hmm, Bobby, maybe HER house HER rules, huh?

OP, Keep up working on yourself. When I lived with my folks, they were terribly unsupportive, and my mom still is when we go to visit. You have to learn to ignore some of what they say...which is sometimes easier said than done. DEFINITELY don't let him derail you. He sounds like my mom and what I figure on her is that misery loves company. So maybe he wants you to stay less healthy so that he isn't the only one. Good luck and keep up your good work!

Bobby_Clerici

bobby-cleric, he wouldn't have a house if it wasn't for us. He doesn't work and we pay the bills, including the food bills. He pays for nothing. He is waiting until he is of social security age to support himself. Until then, we have put life on hold to support him. Thanks for your non-advice in assuming I was sucking resources from my father.

Whatever, that's just what it sounds like.
Hope it all works out.

345monahan

So sorry for your loss and for your Dad's loss....you all are still mourning. It may be that your dad is making those remarks as a defense mechanism so he doesn't have to face the reality --- that he too may pass early because of the way he eats. At the same time, it is a really tough situation for you.

I hope you are very proud of your weight loss so far.....you certainly should be. You should also be very proud of turning your life around so you don't have the same fate.

Any way you could respond to your dad by telling him that you really love him but do not appreciate the remarks? Many times the people we love the most will try to sabotage our efforts to lose weight. If they are successful, then they don't feel alone with their problems.

Try to be understanding because you are all going through a really rough time, but stick to your success. You are doing a great job and keep looking for support the way you did today. We are all behind you.

onyxgirl17

Thanks for your support everyone

I really haven't had an argument with my dad. We are both non-confrontational type people. I'm hoping he'll see the change in me and my husband and see the benefit of eating real home-cooked meals.

Growing up all we ate was out or TV dinners, or ramen noodles, or bologna. Basically processed garbage.

Kim55555

It would help to have a phrase handy that stops you from being sucked into an argument. Something along the lines of, "You have your way of eating, and I have mine." Then, whenever he tries to argue with you, you can just repeat that ad infinitum.

I got so frustrated yesterday! I had a small amount of lean meat and veg, and to up my protein some more I had 1 egg, and 3 egg whites. They commented that so many egg whites are excessive. Well I'm trying hard not to comment about your excessive behavior with your unhealthy eating can u please stop harassing me. It's just when I eat the egg whites! I said would you rather it be 4 large freedos instead!

Maybe next time I'll just try to ignore