I have failed, Again - A Vent. =(

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  • JenCM
    JenCM Posts: 195
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    *cyber hugs* to each of you.
    Thank you for the support. I get it from my brother, who is dealing with this issue of weight as well, but outside that I feel pretty alone.
    Considering I do tend to be such an emotional eater, I'm thinking that maybe with this new start I'll start blogging on here about my issues and stories and such. To get some of those emotions out, maybe it'll help me cope less with the food to write it all down and share it.
  • ginaquinn2
    ginaquinn2 Posts: 136 Member
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    I am so glad that you are here. You have been wonderfully successful before and you can be that again. It is great that you have returned here 'cause in my opinion this is the best place to be. Just try to come back every day, log all of your food, drink your water and just let us care and support you. Welcome back :flowerforyou: ~~~Gina
  • JenCM
    JenCM Posts: 195
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    Hope you guys don't mind...I think I sent all of you a friend request if you hadn't sent me one already. :)
  • graceinbreath
    graceinbreath Posts: 49 Member
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    I sent you a personal note already but I wanted to add another note:
    Do you or Did you have a critical Parent or critical adults in your life when you were a kid? I ask this because it sounds like you are being a VERY critical parent to yourself. Unfortunately, what happens when this cycle goes full-tilt is that we internalize the voice of the critical parent and we BECOME our own CRITICAL PARENT and often this leads us to revolt and rebell against our own critical voice! I know because I have had to undo the critical voice of my mother. (who can also be loving and kind but seriously and intensely critical when she feels like it)... This is not to blame our parents - but just to say that they have human foibles and we do not need to OWN the crap they flung at us ....SO - what to do with this? Whenever you catch yourself speaking to yourself in CRITICAL PARENT voice, say STOP! (yes, say it out loud!) and then talk yourself through replacing the thoughts with what a good loving parent would say...
    here is an example...

    INTERNAL THOUGHT - Oh MY I messed up again! I am never going to get this weight off, I am so stupid!
    ....light bulb moment of realization...
    "STOP!"
    NEW THOUGHT - Okay, well I need to stop criticizing myself because that just makes me feel stupid and believe im really meant to be fat and im unworthy which makes me sad and makes me want to eat some brownies ... so I need to stop talking to myself like that!!!! I need to think new thoughts.... like, it's okay if i am frustrated and sad and angry! i am allowed to have feelings and i don't need to eat them!!! I can do better because I believe in myself! I am worthy of not getting stuck on all my past failures but instead focusing on my beautiful healthy future that I can have if I just start walking in the right direction! I can do this!!!!

    WE ARE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU ON MFP!!!! YOU CAN MAKE THE CHOICE TODAY TO MOVE IN A NEW DIRECTION!
    EVERY DAY YOU WORRY ABOUT THE PAST OR THE FUTURE IS A DAY YOU WASTED BY NOT FOCUSING ON WHAT YOU COULD DO TODAY. JUST LOOK AT TODAY AND ONLY TODAY - MAYBE JUST FOCUS ONE MEAL AT A TIME, ONE HOUR AT A TIME. DON't WASTE ANYMORE TIME STRESSING ABOUT THE PAST OR THE FUTURE. YOU ONLY HAVE TODAY.
  • odessablondie
    odessablondie Posts: 76 Member
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    First of all, Thank you for posting this! You've made the first step.

    Second, please know you are not alone in this journey. I too, find myself starting back over. I had lost about 40 lbs and then fell off the wagon and am back at my starting weight again. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. We can do this!! We NEED to do this.

    ((Hugs))
  • graceinbreath
    graceinbreath Posts: 49 Member
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    Also, I want you to buy two books: - both available on AMAZON
    Women Food and God - by Geneen Roth ~ UNBELIEVABLE! also a really good book to listen to on CD
    and Chi Walking - by Dreyer and Dreyer

    Then Join my Group called Chi-Walking (I just made the group today so don't expect much! LOL) and we can read the book together and share what we figure out. I just started reading it myself.:happy:
  • JenCM
    JenCM Posts: 195
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    I sent you a personal note already but I wanted to add another note:
    Do you or Did you have a critical Parent or critical adults in your life when you were a kid? I ask this because it sounds like you are being a VERY critical parent to yourself.

    I don't know if I'd use the word critical, but my mother and I weren't close because of some issues and she when I was younger had a tendency to be not the nicest with me. But she was more or less out of my life when I was about 13-14 and I was just with my Dad from then on and he was nothing but loving and supportive and good to me - He passed away in 2008 though. I feel very angry with myself a lot because I promised him before he left that I'd get healthy and I wasted the first two years after he was gone, just gaining more and more weight.
  • stupidloser
    stupidloser Posts: 300 Member
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    forget about it. you could be using your time to watch tv and ordering takeout.
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,326 Member
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    dont give up!

    many of us have issues with emotional eating.

    what's been working for me has been not being in a rush to lose the weight. i eat at a slight deficit that way I still have room in my diet to allow for treats, even on a daily basis if i want.

    good luck! you can do this again and keep it off for good
  • zg_grl
    zg_grl Posts: 11
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    Don't beat yourself up!

    You've lost a ton of weight and you are committed to continuing until you reach your goal. I think everybody struggles with gaining back the weigh they've lost. I just joined MFP because of gaining weight back. It totally sucks and it is hard to keep the weight off. The important thing is to not get too down on yourself. You can do it, keep going!!
  • graceinbreath
    graceinbreath Posts: 49 Member
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    just as a P.S. If i added up all the times I have gained and lost and gained and lost and gained and lost and gained ..... you get my drift.... Need I say more? We are all on this journey of failures and accomplishments! It is an accomplishment that you got on here today and declared a RE-START! that's what matters!!!!!! I think getting started is the hardest part because it requires that we look at ourselves and make a change. YOU ALREADY DID THE HARDEST PART. Now you need to create momentum. GET ON HERE EVERY SINGLE DAY! track daily and don't let yourself CHEAT until you are sure that you can take a taste and get right back on track.... sometimes its just a bad idea to reward yourself with food when food has been the problem - it just causes a spiral that can be hard to stop! Try finding other ways to reward yourself along the way other than cheating or snacking - how about a MASSAGE? A FACIAL? A MANICURE? A LONG WALK in a new place? A new BOOK? A long nap in the middle of the day? A day with an old friend? Re-program your inner reward system... I have always rewarded myself with chocolate and ice cream and all it did was make me fat because I was rewarding myself EVERY NIGHT! I just started MFP a few weeks ago but I am a lifetime member or WW who is no longer willing to sink money into points and hasnt been at GOAL WEIGHT in so long I feel like a LIFETIME MEMBER drop out! AND WHO CARES?!? NONE OF THAT MATTERS!!!! I take with me everything I have learned along the way - every time I DECLARE a new WAR on my WEIGHT i Have that much more FIRE to make it happen and THAT MUCH MORE energy to follow through.... I TAKE WITH ME EVERY TIDBIT AND TIP AND I TRY TO APPLY THEM ALL IN THE PRESENT MOMENT - THE HERE AND NOW - I LISTEN TO MY GUT AND STOP WHEN IT SAYS TO ME, "should you be eating that?" and instead of saying OH WELL - I say yes! my inner voice that is kind and not mean - yes, you are right! I will listen to you because you are smart and you know and you are just trying to help me not trying to destroy me or hurt me!

    DIG DEEP MY FRIEND!!! WE BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!! IT IS INSIDE OF YOU!
  • Heather_Rider
    Heather_Rider Posts: 1,159 Member
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    Quote: As of last September I had lost 140 lbs, I was 60 lbs from my first goal weight,

    WHAT! One pound is something to celebrate!! YOU GOT THIS HONEY!! Set your goals lower.. you deserve more!!

    Feel free to add me! im new, but motivated! Im here every day! Maybe we can become friends.. then you will have to come here to say HI and chat & you will miss me when you are gone? LOL! =) We got this!
  • kdeaux1959
    kdeaux1959 Posts: 2,675 Member
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    Jen, as I always tell my students... You cannot fix yesterday... It is done. Over. Finished. You can only begin today and make tomorrow brighter. Thomas Edison failed many more times than he ever succeeded in creating the light bulb.. But he kept at it and one day... The light came on... What do we remember? The failures? I think not. We remember his success. Stop looking back.. That is probably more the issue here than anything else.. Learn from the past and move forward... Make tomorrow different by improving today... You get down to it... TODAY is the only thing you can change. Really, it is.

    Also, 300 lbs down? That is great... So what if you are heavier than you should be... You are still down 300 lbs. Celebrate that and keep the progress coming.. And if you fall one day? Pick yourself up and keep going. It is not a sprint.. It is a marathon. You can do it. Best wishes and look forward to hearing your success story.
  • RunningAggie
    RunningAggie Posts: 58
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    You slipped and it did get out of control - but you have recognized this and you are willing to fight for something precious and worth fighting for... your health! I'm very proud of you for doing this. It's too easy to stay unhealthy and keep all our bad habits. As much as we complain about being tired and fat, the fat suits have provided us a safety net. We don't try new things because of our size. No one expects as much out of us so it's ok if we fail... I have issues with emotional eating that I'm working on. I've basically been at the same weight for 13 years!! Nothing I've tried seems to help. I've had to change my mindset (and it's a daily battle) from losing weight to being more active and healthy. I feel better and am happier. I'm hoping the weight will come off as a side benefit - hasn't happened yet, but we'll see. I'm sitting at 240 and completed my second half marathon this morning. Do I wish I was one of the girls that passed me that were fit and trim and seemed to run without any effort? Sure! But I'm not. I'm me. I ran my race and finished. I didn't PR, but I'm not near as sore as I was after my first half so I consider that progress. Feel free to add me if you want. We can hold each other accountable.
  • HausfrauB
    HausfrauB Posts: 104 Member
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    You've got an immense amount of courage and willpower. You are so much stronger than you think. Being 100% honest is tough!

    You have made lots of progress--don't let the criticizing voice in your head tell you otherwise. You say that you've kept up with exercising even with all the stressful events---that shows that you can and you will get back on track.

    I wish you all the best! :flowerforyou:
  • Eelkov
    Eelkov Posts: 88 Member
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    Im on my fourth time... So don't worry..
    At the bottom this time... Down 25kg (50pounds roughly)
    My lifeline is this site now.... Not the comunity so much, although that is nice I only just discovered it.
    I weight in once a week... Whether I like the result OR NOT. It keeps me motivated and on track.... My aim at the moment is maintaining and I have been around the same weight 12 weeks in a row.

    One thing I had to realise is that I am an addict.... A food addict... a lazyness addict... that in itself is not a problem, I just have to keep on top of it. and I do that by making sure I keep my food diary. Another thing that helped was throwing out all clothes bigger than a certain size... If I have to buy new clothes I know I am in trouble hehe.
  • CeCe_oceansoul_420
    CeCe_oceansoul_420 Posts: 59 Member
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    Oh Jen. I'm in tears. So much of what you said resonated with me, especially the feeling like a failure part. But you know what? You're not a failure and neither am I. You've lost weight before, you *can* and you *will* do it again. You *will* conquer this monster. I'll be happy to make this journey with you if you'll let me. I need to lose about 175-180 pounds, but *unlike* you, I've never lost more than 25 pounds before I've given up.

    You've got this!
  • chipmunkcheeks76
    chipmunkcheeks76 Posts: 19
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    I often feel like a failure with my food. i have lost 157lbs in 2 years and know how you feel when you gain some. Please take heart in what a fantastic result you have achieved - 300lbs off! wow!! you may have gained some back - but you have done so, so well. Don't see this as a failure, because it's not.

    I don't know what your current weight is, and I am not going to ask, but be careful this doesn't take over your whole life, I am now in a mess with food and obsessed with calorie intake - it's not worth the headache to let it take you over and diets control you.
  • amersmanders
    amersmanders Posts: 118 Member
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    I hear what you're saying. Be proud of your accomplishments so far and if you're ready to get back on track then you're going to start making the choices you need to make to be healthy. You can do this!
  • JenCM
    JenCM Posts: 195
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    Thank you all very much for the support. It's really helpful actually to come and sit and read.....
    I'm up this morning and ready to have a good day.
    One of the only things I've got going for me is that I don't have to worry about quitting soda since even though I've been eating not so great, I've been making myself not get back on the soda wagon and have stuck to water, teas and juices only. So at least I don't have that monkey on my back like I used to. :)

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