Day One - Again

MarlinWil

Hi, all. I have been on this site for not so very long, and really love the idea and practicality of it. To those who have taken the time to show their support and encouragement - thank you! I really don't want to waste the tools that are available here, and the support and encouragement shown to all and sundry.

Yesterday I realised that I have been held back by a mistaken belief. The belief that tells me I can achieve all I need to by just wanting badly enough to make things happen. The result is that I have been overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, frustration and disappointment in myself because I have been unable to be consistent in translating belief into action.

To put it into perspective - I am full-time carer to our little girl (almost 3) who has been in and out of hospitals for the past week, and who for the past month has had increasing periods of "absences" (petit mal seizures) and muscle fatigue. I do get heaps of time while she sleeps to do something for myself, but I often find myself walking around in circles or sitting staring at her, and achieving very little. No regrets there, but for sure I have come to realise that I am trying to sustain myself in all the ways that matter whilst being pretty isolated.

So - I need to move. Righto, then even though I have a treadmill and weights at home, I will join a gym with a caring and understanding creche that I can work out right next to. Done. Did that yesterday afternoon. Start today.

Also - I need to start surrounding myself with positive people. Already started that here, and also with a couple of very warm and caring mums at my older daughter's soccer games. Probably I need to keep the contact going in between games - a casual cuppa and catchup while the kids have a play. I know I need to be mindful that my sweet toddler fatigues easily, but I want her to live and enjoy life, too. Up until a month ago, this wasn't an issue, but now things have changed a little in that she can't moderate her level of energy herself any more. That's ok - I've got her back and know the signs. It's all do-able.

Thirdly, I need to start being a little firmer about claiming time for myself when my husband is home from work. He is away for 12/16 days, and gets all the time to himself and with friends sans kids and health issues that he needs. It is no longer ok to feel bad that I want that when he's home and I have a small window in which to be selfish. Selfish is good (is this a new mantra??) and can empower me to be the best. Everyone benefits, and maybe I'll start to be able to laugh freely and often again.

This day, today, is Day One - Again. I don't want to revisit the feelings of failure and lack of confidence and self-worth that have become the norm. Weight is a part of my issue - hate putting it on, and hate not feeling fit and strong. But it is merely the baseline to a lot more, much deeper issues that I am no longer willing to ignore.

This is a vent, and an opportunity to pour out some of my thoughts, feelings and fears. I want to be all I can be, and I miss my old carefree, impulsive and positive self. She's still there, and I know how to let her out. No more excuses for why it was ok to stop letting me be me.

Thank you, to all of you who understand and care. I reckon all of us girls get to this point in our lives. I am SO not alone in these feelings, I am sure. I am heading off for my first "gym" workout. Pretty excited - it feels like my first positive step forward for me in more years than I like to admit.

Wil