Relationship advice?

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BrightEyesx3
BrightEyesx3 Posts: 335
in Chit-Chat
So I'm gonna take the risk and post this on here because I want/need people's opinions and advice. A while back I got out of a bad relationship that left me really mentally scarred to the point where I couldn't trust anyone anymore, including myself. After the break up though I became happy and to be honest I've never been this happy before. I've lost weight, I've been focusing on my school which has risen my grades drastically, and etc. But lately its been bugging me not being in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I love the single life, but for a while now I've kinda been missing that feeling of spending time with a certain someone and being in their arms. I'm not ready for another relationship and I honestly don't want one for a long time, yet I want one for the companionship at the same time. People have told me I should just do the whole "FWB" thing but that is not me, at all. Any advice?
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Replies

  • supplemama
    supplemama Posts: 1,956 Member
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    Seek therapy.

    Edited to add I said that because if it left you that mentally scarred, chances are you will repeat the same dynamic in future relationship unless you get help understanding yourself and why you allowed this to happen to you.
  • BrightEyesx3
    BrightEyesx3 Posts: 335
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    Seek therapy.

    Seriously? ...
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    Are you missing a companion or the sex? Because as far as I'm concerned, a FWB is just a booty call. It just sounds nicer to call it a FWB. If you are missing the true companionship of being in a relationship, then I think you should consider opening up your heart and mind and trying to find a new significant other.
  • nwhitley
    nwhitley Posts: 619
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    Are you missing a companion or the sex? Because as far as I'm concerned, a FWB is just a booty call. It just sounds nicer to call it a FWB. If you are missing the true companionship of being in a relationship, then I think you should consider opening up your heart and mind and trying to find a new significant other.

    Exactly. FWB is not a substitute for a relationship, which is what you sound like you want. To me, this type of relationship will actually make it worse b/c is sounds like you are missing the emotional intimacy and companionship. It's like eating fast food- momentarily filling but not long term satisfying.
  • supplemama
    supplemama Posts: 1,956 Member
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    yah seriously. See my edit.
  • SherryTeach
    SherryTeach Posts: 2,836 Member
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    Seek therapy.

    Seriously? ...

    Yes, seriously. You are at a good age to learn more about yourself and your relationships before you start down a path of serial bad relationships. Save yourself some heartache.
  • 1shauna1
    1shauna1 Posts: 993 Member
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    You are asking for advice, so unfortunately you're gonna get some crazy stuff! Why not focus on yourself for a while? It sounds like you are and things are going great with school, etc. Hang out with your friends more and do fun things with them. When you're completely ready you'll meet someone and you'll be able to have a great time with them.
  • Jani2416
    Jani2416 Posts: 275 Member
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    If you've been emotionally abused seek help now, it'll mess you up later in life. Get strong again, learn to trust again, then get into a relationship. Good luck!
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    Oh, and I do agree with the other suggesting therapy. You will be surprised at how much you will learn about yourself and how you will approach your future relationships with a much clearer vision of what you want in a relationship.
  • Maddi_InBetweenDays
    Maddi_InBetweenDays Posts: 177
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    I was in a similar situation last year, that actually motivated my weight loss, so I understand where you are at. I guess, depending on how long it's been I would just really enjoy your new health and new lifestyle (which it sounds like you are doing) and when something does come up, you can see if it will be bad or good before getting into it.. I was told weigh loss has a lot to do with "power" (from a spacey yoga instructor lol!) but it got me thinking of how much power my ex had over me, and my choices and even my image of myself. Missing someone is not wrong in anyway, but you can use this time to really get to know yourself and to really figure out what you want and don't want.
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
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    as one who is in exactly the same boat as you, I echo the ones that said seek therapy.

    I do NOT want to repeat what happened last time...and I want to do everything I can to make sure I don't...the only way is to get at the root of the problem that created a person (me) that accepted what happened and what he did...

    so yeah...therapy...it doesn't hurt, it helps to reduce chances of a repeat occurence of last time and honestly...it gives you a chance to talk to someone who just listens to you...sure they are paid to, but it doesn't diminish the importance of having someone with NO agenda other than your health, just listening to you...offering neutral advice designed to make you stronger and more capable..

    who doesn't want that?

    Lauren
  • BrightEyesx3
    BrightEyesx3 Posts: 335
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    Thanks everyone. Well the thing is I've pretty much "healed" up from my last relationship, I've put the past behind me and it was the best thing I did. And as for what everyone has been asking, yes I do miss the companionship, but its hard to find a decent guy nowadays. Like I said I have been enjoying the single life and focusing on me and doing better things for myself, but I'm slowly starting to miss the companionship.
  • Athena98501
    Athena98501 Posts: 716 Member
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    Seek therapy.

    Seriously? ...

    Most people hear that as criticism, but it generally isn't, and I know it wasn't meant that way here. The fact is that everyone would benefit from therapy. I had weekly therapy for more than a year, and it changed my life immensely and very much for the better. A therapist can teach you a lot about what is and isn't healthy in a relationship, and you can learn about red flags you can catch earlier on next time around. When you stay in a bad relationship for any length of time, there's a lot more healing that needs to take place versus a regular break-up. It's also generally a sign of low self-esteem, which is definitely helped with therapy.

    It's very sound advice, and I really hope you follow it.
  • taxidermist15
    taxidermist15 Posts: 677 Member
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    3 words

    Gay best friend


    i get the cuddles and the warmth without the emotional attatchment :) just no sex.. which is fine with me.
  • lancemahfouz
    lancemahfouz Posts: 43
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    Go out have fun and dont worry about anything just use protection.. Lifes short live it to the fullest and if **** gets bad I got by this .. Robert Frost said there is three words he has learned about life... It goes on. So dont spend your time worry about petty stuff.
  • BrightEyesx3
    BrightEyesx3 Posts: 335
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    3 words

    Gay best friend


    i get the cuddles and the warmth without the emotional attatchment :) just no sex.. which is fine with me.

    I'm sorry but I got a good laugh out of that, wasn't expecting that kind of answer lol.
  • BrightEyesx3
    BrightEyesx3 Posts: 335
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    Are you missing a companion or the sex? Because as far as I'm concerned, a FWB is just a booty call. It just sounds nicer to call it a FWB. If you are missing the true companionship of being in a relationship, then I think you should consider opening up your heart and mind and trying to find a new significant other.

    I was thinking about trying something new, but every time I find a guy I'm into he does something to screw it all up and then its like I wasted my time for nothing.
  • NWCyclingBeast
    NWCyclingBeast Posts: 157 Member
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    Get a dog. LOL
  • BrightEyesx3
    BrightEyesx3 Posts: 335
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    Get a dog. LOL

    I have one that I absolutely love :smile: consider him my baby LOL
  • Ivyzmama
    Ivyzmama Posts: 108 Member
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    I'm gonna go out on a limb and tell you that I started therapy myself for the first time ever last year (on the advice of a doctor, trust me, it wasn't my idea) and boy has it opened my eyes to my relationship problems! In a huge way! This has nothing to do you having healed from your last relationship - we're glad you're healed, but your having healed from the last one actually does nothing to protect you from the next one. Probably the reason we're all recomending therapy is: people play people. they just do. You might not understand manipulative-people-skills like you should to protect yourself next time and most importantly, to set your next relationship up right and strong from the start. I'm not saying that you need to learn how to manipulate - because learning how others do it wouldn't make you want to do it anyway, people either manipulate other people or they don't - but I bet if you go into therapy just for a year, what you learn about how other people work will blow your mind and help protect you for the rest of your life. Basically, we're recomending therapy because there ISN'T anything wrong with you - which is why you got taken last time and how you might get taken next time. I think of therapy as "getting lessons in defensive driving within a relationship" - do you know what I mean? It's teaching me how to watch out for the evil that some people do, the same way that really good driving instructors from AAA teach people how to keep themselves safe on roads that have all kinds of crazies driving on them. And who would'nt want to learn how to spot the early warning signs that mean you need to push back on your next boyfriend before he gets in the habbit of walking all over you? Unless you already consider yourself to have a PhD in relationship skills - I bet there's something you can learn in therapy. Therapy doesn't help crazy people as much as it helps normal people to protect themselves from the crazy people. My therapist is one of the best teachers I've ever had.

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