Self Sabotage....A cry for help

CJK1959

So, here it is....3ish months since I've diligently logged in or logged food...and I'm right back where I was. I am so frustrated with myself...I don't know why I sabotage myself. I know I can do it, but it's like I talk myself into eating what I know is not good for me; or I convince myself that "I can handle this" or I'll work it off...or a million other excuses. I'm so tired of being fat and feeling bad...being out of breath when walking, unable to bend over without feeling like I can't breathe...I recently had a VNUS closure on my left leg for Venus insufficiency, but the swelling remains...and I had told myself that after the procedure I would start walking and exercising...yada, yada, yada...but I haven't because it's still swollen and sore. Has anyone else had this procedure? How long did it take to feel better?
I guess I just need to vent and ramble a bit, if for no other reason than it makes me feel like I need to be accountable and if I write it down, then maybe I will stick to my plans....and get my eating under control. I just always feel hungry or like I need something in my mouth. I dont' know how to combat these feelings....or why I do what I do to myself. I have a great life, met a wonderful man to whom I'm engaged now, have a beautiful house that we bought a year ago, love my job, have wonderful friends and family...so WHY do I still feel like I need to stuff my face?? Why do I have no self control? Maybe I don't want it bad enough?? Does anyone have any insight? Or have felt this way before? How do I get back on the plan and make it stick? I hate what I feel like...hate how my clothes fit and yet I still seem to sabotage my own efforts?????? HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay...now breathe and hopefully some of you will have some wisdom to share or some nuggets that I can hold on to and get back to business. Thanks in advance.

dhakiyya

The first question is whether you're eating enough of everything your body needs. If you're not then the hunger and cravings are likely to be physiological, not psychological. Many women beat themselves up about hunger and cravings... when actually it's their body's natural way of telling them to eat more of something. It's not always the number of calories, it may be insufficiency of a particular nutrient (usually fat, because many people cut fat out of their diet without realising that it's an essential nutrient - the healthy kinds of fat that is)

Anyway IMO the first thing to look at is this. If you're 100% certain you're eating enough protein, healthy fat, healthy carbs (how many carbs you need depends on how much you exercise, all the vitamins and minerals you need, enough fibre and you're also drinking plenty of water, and that your overall number of calories is high enough (you shouldn't go below 30% of your total daily energy expenditure)............. then look to psychological issues (e.g. comfort eating). However a lot of people think they have a psychological problem with food when really it's just that they're not getting enough of something.

Kalynx

“Discovering the truth about ourselves is a lifetime’s work, but it’s worth the effort.”
― Fred Rogers


“There is no normal life that is free of pain. It's the very wrestling with our problems that can be the impetus for our growth.”
― Fred Rogers, The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember

“I don't think anyone can grow unless he's loved exactly as he is now, appreciated for what he is rather than what he will be.”
― Fred Rogers

“It's really easy to fall into the trap of believing that what we do is more important than what we are. Of course, it's the opposite that's true: What we are ultimately determines what we do!”
― Fred Rogers

Just a few from the site http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/32106.Fred_Rogers thought might encourage you! You are on your way - you are being very honest with yourself! good luck!

CJK1959

Love the quotes...thanks for the encouragement.

CJK1959

Thank you for the info...I am going to start tracking again tomorrow and will look at those key nutrients. You may well be right, but I'm pretty sure that the comfort eating component is there...but I don't know why. My life is good right now, but obviously something keeps tripping that comfort response.

Kalynx

i think comfort eating is OK ..its when you avoid doing it for awhile you eventually break ....and just go soooo overboard its hard to get over it!! i mean, sometimes bacon just makes me happy. nothin wrong with that, in moderation. and i dont LIVE for bacon lol.

CJK1959

You are so right and it's funny because in my head, I know it..I know moderation is key and intellectually I know what I should be eating and that restricting everything isn't the answer...but still and yet, I go overboard and have regained the 20 lbs that I had lost. And I can definitely tell the difference.

jinxypinxy

I don't really have any useful advice, but I do the same thing (even to the extent of eating candy/chocolate till I feel like I'm going to be sick to my stomach). One thing that was useful for me was to look at when I was worst with this habit and what led up to it (so eg I'm much worse when I'm experiencing a moderately strong negative emotion)

TheArmadillo

Keep a mood diary. Track how you are feeling (and why if you know) and then after a week or two look at it alongside what you ate.
This can help identify what your triggers are.

You can use this to find strategies to cope with those events/feelings that don't involve food.
E.g. I used to eat when I got bored, now I do something like paint my nails - which keeps my hands busy and I get painted nails out of it which is always good.

Prahasaurus

No clue, your diary is closed.

But many of the women I know eat too little during regular meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner), get hungry, and then snack with very unhealthy food non-stop. It's the snacking that screws up their diet. Make sure you're eating 3 healthy meals that can sustain you for the entire day. And stop the snacking. Just don't buy the stuff. If you still get cravings, drink water. Lots and lots of water.

And more low level exercise. In your case, just walk a lot. After breakfast, after dinner.

--P

911Megz

open your diary so we can see what you're eating! Also, it helps if you log the bad stuff too! You see what you eat and are more likely to stop!
And make sure you have your goals set appropriately. Dont set personal goals too high, set small weight loss goals so they are more achievable.

What's your weakness? Your cravings?

wolveslovemee

I dont know if this will help you, but it has really helped me:

http://luckytastebuds.wordpress.com/2009/04/21/oxidizer-test-from-jillian-michaels/

You should find out what your body is oxidizing faster. Carbs or protein, or if you are balanced.
I found out I was a fast protein oxidizer, which in turn, I make all of my meals 60-80% protein. I rarely have bad cravings but if I do, I just substitute.

Ie: I want ice cream.
Substitute: Low fat ice cream sandwich, 130 Calories

That way I dont mess up my whole week by eating something I can just "work off".

Your issue with eating and then saying "its ok Ill work it off" isnt really a horrible thing, only if you actually DO burn it off. The issue with that is, who wants to burn off 800 cals for cheating? Especially if youve already worked out in the day. Its just so much easier to eat "clean" and stuff your face with veggies.

It takes a lot of time to change habits, dont get down on yourself! Just tell yourself, "no excuses". You can do it!

Natihilator

I fell into self sabotage as well, after 3-4 months of doing really great, and I'm still struggling to get back on track. I know for sure that I am eating enough calories, and eating the right types of things as I always aim to hit my macros. For me, it's wanting to stuff my face at night with high-calorie or high-carb snacks like candied nuts or fruit. There are many possible reasons for this: I didn't drink enough water during the day, I didn't eat enough earlier in the day, I am feeling bored or anxious, I am feeling restricted and want to "rebel" against that feeling by eating even though I'm not hungry. I have had to learn some hard truths about myself, which has helped me deal with these instances:

1. I am an over-eater, and what some may call a food addict. Managing this habit will be a lifelong struggle, but it's one I'm prepared to face.

2. I have certain "trigger foods" that I have very little or no control when it comes to eating reasonable portions of. It is in my best interest to not have these foods easily available to me, period.

3. I DO want it bad enough. I'm sure you do too. Don't think that because you are having slip-ups means you no longer want to get healthier and lose weight, or that you don't "Have what it takes". This is supposed to be difficult, and this is one of the difficult parts of the journey.

Also, I disagree that it's OK to say "I'll eat this and work it off later" For some people who are naturally active and adhere to a solid exercise schedule, this might work. But it doesn't work for me. I would try to change that to "I'll do the work first, and then treat myself afterwards" I find that often after a great workout, I no longer want whatever unhealthy food I was craving beforehand.

Good luck!

newmein2013

I was simply disgusted with myself and loathed what I had allow happen to myself. I took that anger and used it to my advantage. I elimated the bad foods b/c moderation was a concept I wasn't familiar with. It's been a year and I'm just now grasping this concept. It takes a while to train yourself and sometimes your'e just better off doing w/o certain foods. As I began to see progress, I started exercising. Started with 20-30 minutes of strength training 3 days a week. Added in 30 minutes of cardio 4 days a week and increased it accordingly over time to what my body could handle. My current routine is 25 mins s/t 3xw and 60 mins cardio 6xw. When I don't feel like working out, I get dressed and walk to the room. Just by being in the room, I get in the mood. In addition to feeling healthier, the exercise is really what's motivating me the most. It's my drug of choice. I feel great during and after my workouts and I want to hold on to that feeling. As far as the mindless eating, I plan my meals for the week ahead. Have seperate shelves for the forbidden snacks for other household members and tell myself it's not on the menu. Once in a while I slip up real bad. Sometimes I forgive myself right away and get over it. Other times I whine about it on here. It's been a neverending learning process. I do a lot of research on health and fitness, I look through the chat rooms for ideas, and I ask my friends on here for help. I also found a book that was really helpful: Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Solution. I read that in the very beginning and it helped me understand where my head was at and offered suggestions on how to replace bad habits with good habits. For instance if you know a certain time of day you get hungey and eat out of boredom or whatever, find a short activity to schedule for that time period to keep you busy and take your mind off of it. Maybe fold laundry, go through the mail, write a poem, etc. The impulse only last a short time and after doing this for a short while, you wil have created a new "good" habit and eliminated the "bad" habit. It really does work. By the way, I still can't have "just one". The thing that worked the best for me was to change one small thing each week. I made a committment to do that and it just seemed easy. All I had to focus on was training myself that one thing. Then the next week, incorporate one more change, and so. Small changes over a long period of time. It's not a race, it's a lifestyle change. You can do it. Believe in yourself. Best of luck to you.

ElPatoLoco

I don't usually post but your comments got me thinking about something I said to my wife just yesterday...

I used to have a really stressful job and I hated it... actually no... the job was great, it was the people around me that were the cause of my discontent... I was angry and frustrated all the time, wasn't sleeping properly... and was 4 stone overweight.

I've long struggled with my weight, even when I was in the Army and at my fittest. I've seen dieticians, physicians, psychologists, a hypno-therapist and even tried those bloody awful "self-help" recordings... all to no avail.

Some of the problem stems from childhood... "eat everything on your plate before you leave the table"... some it from the Army... "wolf it down as fast as you can" and some from the work regime... "eating on the hoof"

I'd convinced myself that I was "happy with who I am" but the reality was that I wasn't really happy at all. I was "comfort eating", drinking too much to prove I was "one of the boys" and not taking time to exercise because I was always "too busy", "too tired" or just plain lazy.

I left my job, started my own company and a lot changed for the better. I'm a lot calmer, I don't get angry any more and I really enjoy my life. I am blessed with having a wonderful wife, some great friends, a nice home and a job I enjoy.... but my weight kept creeping up.

I think I "fooled" myself into actually believing that I was "OK with who I was" as everything else in my life was good, I'd even go so far as to say idyllic... but the truth was I still had a weight issue lurking in the background but I had no "reason" to do anything about it. I just kind of hid it away.

Recently something pretty major changed in my life... we're about to adopt two beautiful children.. and I suddenly thought "I don't want to be a fat dad" and to be honest I suddenly realised I'm not really happy with the way I look. I am embarrassed and uncomfortable about my weight... I still don't take my shirt off on the beach... but now I recognise that I want to do something about it... not just for me but for my children and my wife.

I think what I'm trying to say, in a rather long-winded and round-about way, is that despite appearances, even to yourself, there could be issues you have lurking somewhere that provide convenient "excuses" for the sabotage as you put it.

All I can say to you is find your reason, believe in it and believe in yourself. You will get there.

barkin43

It amazes me how many testimonies sound as if they came from my story! You've taken a good first step by confronting the problem. Most of us have been or are now right where you are. You were one of my first MFP friends when I joined last October. As you know, I have fallen by the wayside many times since then, and I gained back the ten pounds I lost, plus, they brought along a few uninvited friends. Thus, I ended up with an additional 5 pounds to lose. Let's just try to hang in there and do this together again! You've got lots of support here on MFP, and there have been some great replies to this thread. I'm sure there are many others who are also saying "This sounds just like my story!" Thanks for posting such an honest topic, and thanks to the others here who have given helpful advice that we all can use. Good luck!

CJK1959

Thank you, everyone for all the great advice, your own stories and the encouragement. I think that each post has some nuggets in it that apply to me. Triggers, for one is huge. I'm not sure what they are yet, but I bought a journal today at the store and plan to begin writing about how I feel, when I feel the urge to overeat and hopefully I will learn to reach for the book when I feel the need to indulge instead of the fridge or cabinet.

I do want this....and I believe in MFP as a means to retool some awful habits developed over the years. It just puzzles me so much because things in my life are good right now, but perhaps that is not what this is about. Perhaps it is just as simple as I love food, I love to cook, I enjoy entertaining and I just plain overeat! Anyway, I think the journal will help to identify triggers or maybe just give me something to do with my hands when I feel the urge.....I can do this....we all can do this..

No more Mrs. Nice Girl....I've gotta kick my own butt into gear. Thanks all!

Kalynx

I think I "fooled" myself into actually believing that I was "OK with who I was" as everything else in my life was good, I'd even go so far as to say idyllic... but the truth was I still had a weight issue lurking in the background but I had no "reason" to do anything about it. I just kind of hid it away.

Recently something pretty major changed in my life... we're about to adopt two beautiful children.. and I suddenly thought "I don't want to be a fat dad" and to be honest I suddenly realised I'm not really happy with the way I look.

I could have typed these exact words -in fact I did earlier ...http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/669692-living-in-fear

ElPatoLoco

... I bought a journal today at the store and plan to begin writing about how I feel, when I feel the urge to overeat and hopefully I will learn to reach for the book when I feel the need to indulge instead of the fridge or cabinet.

When I get "the urge" I go for a walk now but that journal might make some pretty interesting reading in 6 months time especially if you're able to draw some clear conclusions from it. Who knows... there could even be a best seller in there somewhere

Having just read Kal's post about fear it reminded me of something that came out during a session with an NLP therapist a few years ago (not something I'd normally do as I have an inbuilt aversion to all therapists... most of them seem to want to turn everyone into victims... but I digress...)

During the session I said something that on reflection I've always felt was rather odd, that I was "afraid" of being a thin person because as a "fat" person I felt I was a nice guy, but as a "thin" person I might become someone I didn't like very much, in fact almost as if I was going to go out of my way to be horrible if I did become "thin".

I must admit I never went back. I think there were possibly some childhood issues there but to be honest I feel some doors are best left closed and locked but now Kal and CJ have go me thinking I wonder how much of it is down to psychology rather than physiology and how much I may have subconsciously "sabotaged" myself over the years without even realising it. In hindsight I'd guess my protective mantra of "I'm OK with who I am" was a kind of sabotage in itself.

Interesting stuff... think you might have opened a can of worms here CJ

PS... anyone know what the calorie content of a can of worms is? Can't find it on MFP database

Pentdad

Hi folks fatman here again...

The fact that I am losing motivates me more, losing 20lbs is amazing, how come such an acheivment wasn't on your mind when you reached for the cake or the bun? You must have been doing so well for a number of months, and then started to disregard what you had done and fell into your old ways. That's why I think people are right when they say it's a lifestyle change and not a diet.

I have dieted on and off for 8 years- it's only now that I made lasting changes without completely restricting myself that I am starting to see some success. The changes you make need to bearable, even enjoyable, in 6 months from now and 6 years from now.

CJK1959

Thanks, I just reopened my diary...I haven't been logging and just started back yesterday. I usually crave sweets and carbs...so bad, I know but sometimes they are so strong. I love to bake, so that doesn't help, but now when I bake I give it all away...that way I have the satisfaction of baking without the temptation o trying out my roducts! Anyway, thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate it!

CJK1959

Hi folks fatman here again...

The fact that I am losing motivates me more, losing 20lbs is amazing, how come such an acheivment wasn't on your mind when you reached for the cake or the bun? You must have been doing so well for a number of months, and then started to disregard what you had done and fell into your old ways. That's why I think people are right when they say it's a lifestyle change and not a diet.

I have dieted on and off for 8 years- it's only now that I made lasting changes without completely restricting myself that I am starting to see some success. The changes you make need to bearable, even enjoyable, in 6 months from now and 6 years from now.

You are so right! I had lost 23 lbs. and then I don't know what happened...maybe my success went to my head and I thought that i didn't have to be careful anymore....but it's all back now and I am so discouraged by my own lack of self control. But, I logged yesterday for the first time in months and although I was pretty close to over, I wasn't over and I felt better about some of my choices, so I think that is a good first step....one day, one moment, one choice at a time. Thanks for your comments and good luck on your journey!

CJK1959

... I bought a journal today at the store and plan to begin writing about how I feel, when I feel the urge to overeat and hopefully I will learn to reach for the book when I feel the need to indulge instead of the fridge or cabinet.

When I get "the urge" I go for a walk now but that journal might make some pretty interesting reading in 6 months time especially if you're able to draw some clear conclusions from it. Who knows... there could even be a best seller in there somewhere

Having just read Kal's post about fear it reminded me of something that came out during a session with an NLP therapist a few years ago (not something I'd normally do as I have an inbuilt aversion to all therapists... most of them seem to want to turn everyone into victims... but I digress...)

During the session I said something that on reflection I've always felt was rather odd, that I was "afraid" of being a thin person because as a "fat" person I felt I was a nice guy, but as a "thin" person I might become someone I didn't like very much, in fact almost as if I was going to go out of my way to be horrible if I did become "thin".

I must admit I never went back. I think there were possibly some childhood issues there but to be honest I feel some doors are best left closed and locked but now Kal and CJ have go me thinking I wonder how much of it is down to psychology rather than physiology and how much I may have subconsciously "sabotaged" myself over the years without even realising it. In hindsight I'd guess my protective mantra of "I'm OK with who I am" was a kind of sabotage in itself.

Interesting stuff... think you might have opened a can of worms here CJ

PS... anyone know what the calorie content of a can of worms is? Can't find it on MFP database

What you say about the "fat person" vs the "thin person" made me think about some things that have crossed my mind over the years.....(although crossing the mind and not staying may have caused some of the issues to begin with) But, anyway, when I was growing up, I was really aware of and afraid of girls getting kidnapped and killed (back in the 70's you started hearing more and more about it on the media...they are so helpful....((insert sarcasm here))) And I thought it's always the skinny pretty girls....so if I'm not skinny and pretty then maybe I'm safe. Nutty, I know, but now that I think about it, the thought of being "taken" terrified me. Maybe that started it....and then it was downhill from there. Food became comfort....something to do when I was bored.....food never judged me or made fun of me....it was my friend...OMG...is there a therapist in the house?????

Overboard_Eater

When I first read your post I was instantly reminded of my experience of being clinically depressed which started after my father's death when I was a teen. The idea that everything is going well in my life but why am I still so sad and doing self-destructive things. Then I checked your profile and read about your late husband. It was after his death that you gain a major part of your weight. Have you ever thought that you might have "survivor guilt"? That somewhere deep inside you think you don't deserve getting healthy, and being happy with a new partner because of what happened to him.

I think the journaling will be good for you but you might also think about reading some books on coping with the loss of a spouse because it sounds like you eat those feeling away, or reading about the symptoms of depression.

Just don't give up! Make mini goals for yourself. Once you see yourself reaching them (besides just losing weight) I think it is harder to slip back. Good luck! Feel free to add me.

Dorkaleena

On the exercise front, I have a suggestion. I have mobility issues due to how overweight I am. Walking and regular aerobics are NOT an option for me. However, I have invested in a mini-arm cycle and it allows me to get some aerobic exercise every day. I'm up to 40-50 minutes a day now. (When I started 2 months ago I couldn't do more than 10 minutes in tiny 1-2 minutes bursts.)

Also, I bought a "Chair Dancing" DVD. They have Core strengthening DVD's as well as Aerobic DVD's. Right now I'm working with Core Strengthening. You do the exercises in a chair. No impact on knees and ankles! It's working well for me.

If you REALLY want to exercise, there's ways to accomplish it.

filady

Wow you sound like me in the eating department, Ive been chewing alot of sugar free gum and making sure I eat 3 good meals a day about the same time. With summer here I have a bunch of fruit on had cleaned and ready to eat. This is my third time at mfp, three times the charm!

caraiselite

just need someone to say HEY you're getting fat, stop eating so much!