The Ex Coming for a Visit

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CAW210
CAW210 Posts: 73
in Chit-Chat
This is so odd and I don't even really know where to begin......My ex, who I have a child with, has been in jail for almost 3 years for violating his probation. (Nothing hardcore like violence) Well he is scheduled to be released next Thursday and wants to come with his mother for our son's bday in August. His mother and I are very close and she comes down twice a year to visit. Anyways, I am now married to my wonderful husband and we have a daughter together and he has been raising my son for the past 3 years. Here's the problem....we live in the country, the for real small town USA, and the closest town is 30 minutes away. My ex's mother said that she will not have the money to put him up in a hotel for a week (because she stays with us) and he won't know how to get back and forth due to again, us living in the country, and has asked if he can stay at the house also. The ex and I have had a civil/friendly relationship for our son, but I know that he is a little bothered by the fact that I remarried and have had another child. My son will be going back to school on August 20th (the same day they will be here) and they are saying that if he is at a hotel he will miss out on seeing him as much as possible. They live 1500 miles away and my son hasn't seen his father in 3 years...I don't want to take away from my son, but I don't want my husband to be uncomfortable in his own home.

Ugh! I just don't know what to do!! :sick:
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Replies

  • Triquetra
    Triquetra Posts: 270 Member
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    How does your new hubby feel about it would be my first question....I don't know that I would want him in the house with me and my "new" family regardless of his past (jail?). Is there a tent, tent trailer that can be borrowed for his visit so you can have "your" space and he can have his without imposing on you....his mother could even stay in a tent trailer with him? My best ideas...sorry
  • snoopytwins
    snoopytwins Posts: 1,759 Member
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    First off...if he's being paroled, he better make real sure he can leave the State. Second, I would not have him stay in the house. You can let him know when your son is out of school and around and that he can see him then until bedtime, etc. He can figure out how to drive back and forth. I wouldn't feel bad for one second (although I understand you are trying to make everyone happy...you sometimes just can't do that).
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
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    It's not up to you to figure out what to do. It's his responsibility to figure out his lodging and transportation. If he doesn't have the money, that's a consequence of his own actions.
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
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    First off...if he's being paroled, he better make real sure he can leave the State.
    It doesn't say anything about being paroled.
  • felice03
    felice03 Posts: 2,732 Member
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    Tent in the yard.
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
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    Hmmm tell him to bring a tent. :ohwell:
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
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    Tent in the yard.

    Hahahahahaha
  • Sweet_Pandora
    Sweet_Pandora Posts: 459 Member
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    It's not up to you to figure out what to do. It's his responsibility to figure out his lodging and transportation. If he doesn't have the money, that's a consequence of his own actions.

    I totally agree with this.

    My suggestion is to speak to his mother and explain that you do not feel comfortable putting your family in this position.

    Best of luck.

    Karen
  • snoopytwins
    snoopytwins Posts: 1,759 Member
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    First off...if he's being paroled, he better make real sure he can leave the State.
    It doesn't say anything about being paroled.
    I just noted the parole thing because she said he's been in jail for 3 years on a probation violation and that's why he hasn't seen his son. I wasn't knocking the man...just noting that some people don't think about that.
  • felice03
    felice03 Posts: 2,732 Member
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    Tent in the yard.

    Hahahahahaha

    thats amazing!
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
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    First off...if he's being paroled, he better make real sure he can leave the State.
    It doesn't say anything about being paroled.
    I just noted the parole thing because she said he's been in jail for 3 years on a probation violation and that's why he hasn't seen his son. I wasn't knocking the man...just noting that some people don't think about that.
    I didn't imply you were knocking him. But just because he's been in jail doesn't mean he's being paroled. He could just be finishing his sentence.
  • MommaKit79
    MommaKit79 Posts: 852
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    I totally agree about it not being your responsibility. Tell his mother that you can not put your husband and family in that position. He is more then welcome to be at the house as soon as your son gets home and stay til bedtime but, he can not stay with you. I understand the issue with him needing a place to stay but, you can not put you and your family in that position.

    Agreed...maybe if you can pop a tent on your property and/or if you or someone you know has a camper or something you can borrow for while he is here. He and his mother should really understand. I cant see why they wouldnt.
  • CAW210
    CAW210 Posts: 73
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    Tent in the yard.

    Hahaha....love it!!!
    And yes he is actually being paroled but he has already gotten permission to leave the state.
    And yes, that is me, I am one that tries to make everyone happy and keep the peace. It's a bad trait to have some times.
    Thanks all!!!
  • LilMissSunshine_
    LilMissSunshine_ Posts: 520
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    Tent in the yard.

    You are too kind. Maybe a sleeping bag.
  • msmimi
    msmimi Posts: 381 Member
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    How would you feel if this was your current hubby?........My ex, who I have a child with, has been in jail for almost 3 years for violating her probation. (Nothing hardcore like violence) Well she is scheduled to be released next Thursday and wants to come with her mother for our son's bday in August. Her mother and I are very close and she comes down twice a year to visit. Anyways, I am now married to my wonderful wife CAW210 and we have a daughter together and she CAW210 has been raising my son for the past 3 years. Here's the problem....we live in the country, the for real small town USA, and the closest town is 30 minutes away. My ex's mother said that she will not have the money to put her up in a hotel for a week (because she stays with us) and she won't know how to get back and forth due to again, us living in the country, and has asked if she can stay at the house also. The ex and I have had a civil/friendly relationship for our son, but I know that she is a little bothered by the fact that I remarried and have had another child. My son will be going back to school on August 20th (the same day they will be here) and they are saying that if she is at a hotel she will miss out on seeing him as much as possible. They live 1500 miles away and my son hasn't seen his mother in 3 years...I don't want to take away from my son, but I don't want my wife CAW210 to be uncomfortable in her own home.

    I wouldn't like it. Hubby is tolerating grandma twice a year, now here comes Dad too. Maybe they should wait until THEY have the resources available to make a non intrusive trip. I would politely tell them I'm sorry that arrangement doesn't work for us. They are free to come but staying at our home is completely off the table.
    Sorry I call bs. In the days of rental cars, gps, etc... they are sooo lost 30 mins away when you have already come 1500 miles. :noway:
  • SweetMegz04
    SweetMegz04 Posts: 459 Member
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    I have a friend whose Mother went through a similar situation.. Ex was jail,she new husband etc,
    Anyways. The Husband Agreed to allow the Ex to stay and things were civil. However- their house was not always going to be an option and that was put out there.

    What about a tent in the yard?? lol

    First get the comfort of talking with your Husband and go with the mutual choice.
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
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    I think that this is an unreasonable request to ask of you, a selfish request to ask of your husband, and a confusing request to ask of your son. I honestly think that your son needs to be reintroduced to his bio dad slowly, a full week in your face visit is unfair. Tell them they can come in for a short visit only and that the ex cannot stay at your house, period. It ain't your fault he's broke.
  • Bobby_Clerici
    Bobby_Clerici Posts: 1,828 Member
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    Again, a simple solution.
    The Ex may arrange with you to see his son; sleeping over is NOT an option.
    You have moved on, and ex-boyfriends who just got out of jail are NOT welcome house guests...
    HELLO!:smokin:
  • Stompp
    Stompp Posts: 216
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    It's not up to you to figure out what to do. It's his responsibility to figure out his lodging and transportation. If he doesn't have the money, that's a consequence of his own actions.

    This.
  • mzhokie
    mzhokie Posts: 349 Member
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    First I would talk this over with your new husband. Find out what he is and isn't comfortable with in this situation. You two need to be on the same page, period. Then what does your son want? if he is old enough, then he should be considered in this. Then I would talk to your ex mother in law honestly too. Just so she can understand where you are coming from and help with establishing ground rules etc. with your ex.

    But if you have the room and can set him up somewhere away from your bedroom.... I would let him stay, at least for a couple of days. Sometimes you have to put everything aside for your kid.

    This is only if everyone involved can get on the same page with why you are doing this and what's important. You are going to have to work together for holidays in the future so might as well start now.

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