OT - The Aspergers spectrum.

InnerFatGirl

Hi guys, I was wondering if anyone else here can relate or help me.

I feel kind of stupid talking about this, but here goes.

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I am wondering if I am on the aspegers spectrum. It is something I have always wondered, but when I mentioned it to my parents, they didn't take me seriously and told me I was attention seeking. So I tried to forget about it, but the symptoms are the same.

Ever since I was a kid, I was considered 'weird'. I've never, (and still don't), known how to 'fit in', how to act normally, how to be in social situations. I always say the wrong thing, and I just have never felt like I could relate to my peers. And now, I feel like I can't relate to anyone, really.

It's gotten worse, to the point where I feel uncomfortable talking to people for too long. When my depression developed, I completely withdrew into myself and now it's like conversation is difficult for me. I am always worrying about what to say, and although I come across as confident, I am usually panicking inside and feeling uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel like I'm making the 'wrong' face, and I can't handle too much eye contact. That's not to say I don't give eye contact when I talk to people - I do - but it feels uncomfortable for me and I can not handle being looked at in the eyes for too long. It makes me nervous.

This one is one of the biggest things, though - obsessions.

As a child, if I loved a movie, I watched it over and over and over and over and over and over again. If I loved a song, I'd play it over and over and over and over again (until the CD broke, usually). If I loved a certain food, it'd be all what I wanted to eat. I was very obsessive as a child, and I'd ask a million questions about the topic. For example - outer space and electricity.

Now, I'm the same. I go through these 'phases of obsession'. I get absolutely obsessed with a certain topic, research the hell out of it, live it, follow it - whatever, then I just drop it like, I'm not interested anymore. And I can't control it. I don't want to stop being interested in it, but I just am. And I am still very obsessive. I listen to the same songs every day. I once downloaded (as a MP3) an Eastender's episode that I enjoyed on to my phone and listened to it every night for months I talk about the same subjects over and over again.

My interests are very narrow, and I often have very 'black and white' thinking. And for example, in the past two or so years, these have been my obsessions;

- Animals
- Biracial indentity
- Anti-cirumcision
- Atheism
- Anti-religion
- Biracial identity
- Natural parenting/attachment parenting
- Breastfeeding
- Activism (political and animal)
- Natural hair
- Growing hair
- Weight loss
- Mental health
- 'Natural' products
- Spirituality
- Fertility
- Lauryn Hill
- Nirvana
- Vegetarianism
- Photography

I have not managed to maintain a constant obsession/interest/excitement about any of these things for even a year. At most, 6 months. Vegetarianism has been the only thing, and I don't research it anymore. I just don't eat meat.

It feels like I'm going through life just lurching from one thing to another. I get so bloody obsessed, then my desire for it just goes. And I don't enjoy it anymore. Even though I want to. And all these things above are things I am still interested in, but I just go through these phases, and because it's like I can't concentrate on one obsession at a time, the other falls to the wayside. I find it so upsetting, because I usually know my interest will drop soon, and it's frustrating just going through phases. I just want some consistancy.

Adding to this, I analyse every little detail in every situation. I ruminate about everything. I am always thinking, always worrying, always analysing. I talk to myself in my head all the time. I often feel like I'm stuck in my own head, and everyone else around is not real. Or I'm not real. Or I'm invisible.

I always thought I was a social, extroverted person, but I can no longer stand to be in the company of people for too long. I am constantly lonely, but often have to 'recharge' alone if I am out of my house or in the presence of others. Often times, even in the company of others, the prospect of socialising is tiresome to me.

I am also very sensitive to everything, especially my environment. When I went to counselling, I found it harder to talk because the room felt so unwelcoming and clinical. Certain colours make me feel physically sick, and bad weather affects me really badly. And I am just plain sensitive in general.

I am also very sensitive to sound. I can not stand it when music is too loud, especially when I am at home and stuff like loud sports cars, moterbikes and police sirens really frighten/upset me.

I have always been unflexible. Like, for example, if someone makes plans with me and changes them at the last moment, it ruins my whole day. I don't take kindly to broken promises and, as a kid, if plans had to change, it would make me cry. A simple plan change can make me not want to go any more.

I have never been very good with subtley. When people make certain jokes, I tend to take it literally. I have learnt to understand/recognise sarcasm (thanks to my Stepdad, LOL, and mine and my family's taste in comedy), but I still don't 'get' it sometimes, or it takes me a while.

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I also have lots of symptoms of ADHD, and again, always have. I used to get into a lot of trouble at school for it. But, again, it was never checked out and I was never listened to about it.

I guess that's all I can think of, for now. I just don't know. I'm hesistant to go labelling myself as something that doesn't apply to me, but this is honestly how I feel, and how I have felt since childhood. And I have nobody to talk to about it because my parents think it's ridiculous and the people I live with wouldn't understand.

Maybe it's just me?

ironanimal

Anti-circumcision? Sweet I think you have bigger problems if that's a concern of yours

Anyway, so what if you do? My brother has a lot of the symptoms of Aspergers but you can live a completely normal life. Some people are more socially awkward than others. Meh. Big deal. Nothing you can do about it so it's not worth stressing over. Aspergic tendencies also correlate with high IQ, so it's not all bad anyway.

StrengthIDidntKnow

I can relate to a lot of this.

I had the same concern at one point and brought it up with my therapist. Unfortunately, I cannot remember what she said to prove that my problems are because of my anxiety and OCD.

I know you mentioned that you found it hard to talk when you went to counseling but it might be worth it to try again. The key is finding someone that you really click with.

Good luck!

InnerFatGirl

Anti-circumcision? Sweet I think you have bigger problems if that's a concern of yours

Anyway, so what if you do? My brother has a lot of the symptoms of Aspergers but you can live a completely normal life. Some people are more socially awkward than others. Meh. Big deal. Nothing you can do about it so it's not worth stressing over. Aspergic tendencies also correlate with high IQ, so it's not all bad anyway.

Um, hun, why would this not be a concern of mine? :-/ plenty of people are concerned about little girls, so why would I not be concerned for the boys too, especially after finding out the facts?

Anyway, if I do, it's no big deal. But the issues I described affect my life in a big way. So it'd be helpful to find out if it's that, or something else, or just me.

I can relate to a lot of this.

I had the same concern at one point and brought it up with my therapist. Unfortunately, I cannot remember what she said to prove that my problems are because of my anxiety and OCD.

I know you mentioned that you found it hard to talk when you went to counseling but it might be worth it to try again. The key is finding someone that you really click with.

Good luck!

I should totally try again. I just find it hard to talk to them. They make me feel nervous and I feel disgusted at myself for having emotional issues. I find it very painful and unsettling.

MattTheWaterRat

You have my sympathy. I can be completely gauche in lots of situations.

You do sound like you have some OCD and anxiety symptoms. If you said that you counted footsteps or washed your hands a certain number of times, then I would say you are most likely obsessive compulsive.

I wouldn't put too much faith in disorders that have spectrums though. In my opinion real diseases don't have spectrums.

I am by not stretch of the imagination a medical doctor, but I think counseling would definitely help.

icandoit203

Sometimes we may look more into things than necessary but sometimes we look at it and feel like you are the only one going through it. You should talk to someone anyone that will give you a straightforward answer, you need to just let go of everything and tell someone how you feel. If it's a therapist, a friend, family member. Be willing to accept positive and negative criticism things you need to do and maybe not do. Sometimes people can tell more things to people who know nothing about them. If you don't like certain colors that depress you try meeting outside at a park, walk/bike path and walk and talk. Some good old vitamin D works wonders. If you truly feel like you have this issue you should probably try talking with a doctor, or research a doctor that actually deals with patients who go through this to see if you may indeed have it. It's always good to talk about how you feel keeping it bottled inside only hurts you. So talk about it with someone who cares (IMO) if people judge you shake it off everybody judges someone at some point. Make sure it's someone you can actually let your guard down to you have reached out to us on here so that is a start. You will get through this.

HMD7703

I have a child with Aspergers and she has many of the same ... quirks. A qualified therapist can easily spot the signs and diagnose you properly. Based on the brief insight to your world, I would put money on you being on the spectrum (most likely, high functioning). You are young enough to learn behavior modification techniques that will help you in social situations. Lastly, I would find a support group (either local or online). Support groups (especially age centric groups) will help you so much!

Good luck!
XO

caraiselite

why post this here and not see a doctor?

i think you sound absolutely normal though.

other than the circ thing, wtf?!

GabrielleZelda

From what I know of the Autism Spectrum disorders,

You sound like you would fit an Obsessive Compulsive type of framework much more... My step brother deals with OCD and has very similar symptoms as you, except for the extreme sensitivity (which personally I think might just be part of your personality and not necessarily a disorder).

Anxiety, panic attacks, fear of change, feeling socially inept, obsessions, rituals, tunnel like focus, inability to let go...
Sound familiar? Same for him.

Social phobias OFTEN accompany OCD. I get the impression that although you might be a little socially awkward, that you have a legitimate social phobia that might be developing into agoraphobia - which would be avoiding social situations, open spaces in which you said you feel you are not able to perform on a social level.

I mean I'm no psychologist... but I am seeing in you what I see in him. (Or rather, what he was like a few years ago) He refuses outright to speak to someone about it and he has gotten to the point where he almost never leaves his apartment because of his fear of encountering social situations and panic attacks. He still is petrified of change and has very particular rituals and ideas that he is just STUCK on.

So I want you to know that you are NOT alone and that I think getting some help would really benefit you.

I understand it's difficult to get over the "cold, clinical" feeling of a therapist's office - but don't let that stop you from getting help that might really benefit you. I think you're a prime candidate for therapy as well, because you clearly are intelligent and are very aware and not in denial of your atypical behaviour.

My brother cannot be helped because he will not help himself. YOU on the other hand, DO want help so I hope you really go for it.

GabrielleZelda

why post this here and not see a doctor?

i think you sound absolutely normal though.

other than the circ thing, wtf?!

Maybe because she needs some encouragement and is confused/embarrassed?
If her own behaviour is causing her THIS much discomfort, then that is not normal.

Sorry but I can't stand when people post something completely unhelpful...

Kerri_is_so_very

This hits pretty close to home as my ex-h's family has many aspects of this in their family from mild to severe. The first thing is to be properly diagnosed (if you have anything) and then go from there. There are support groups and methods that can be adopted so that you can modify your behavior for various circumstances to make you feel more at ease. Denying you have any issues is the worst thing you could, addressing what ever it is that is causing your discomfort is the best approach. Good luck to you.

StrengthIDidntKnow

why post this here and not see a doctor?

i think you sound absolutely normal though.

other than the circ thing, wtf?!

Maybe because she needs some encouragement and is confused/embarrassed?
If her own behaviour is causing her THIS much discomfort, then that is not normal.

Sorry but I can't stand when people post something completely unhelpful...

This - sometimes it is just helpful to know you are not alone and there are others out there that are going through something similar.

InnerFatGirl

Words can not explain how much the replies on here mean to me. Thank you SO much, guys. It's a great relief to know I'm not just being ridiculous. Apart from the one person who decided to be a duck, you're all so amazing. Honestly, you have no idea how much it means to me. It took a lot of courage to post this, and I am so appreciative of the help I have recieved. Again, thank you so, so, SO much :flowerforyou:

Rory_123

I know some aspies, but it sounds like you more likely have a mix of generalized anxiety disorder, depression and OCD. I think you would greatly benefit from speaking to a doctor/therapist. You are not crazy, you just need someone professional to discuss this with. Good luck, and take care of yourself!

InnerFatGirl

why post this here and not see a doctor?

i think you sound absolutely normal though.

other than the circ thing, wtf?!

1. Why comment on the thread and not say something supportive, or not comment at all?

Have you considered that is hard for me to try and get help when I have already tried to get help for my depression, with little success? Have you considered that my doctor is crap and just sent me away with anti-depressants, telling me that there's no funding for counselling, when I plucked up the courage to see him. Have you considered the fact that I am leaving my comfort zone and reaching out for help, which is no easy thing, especially on this forum?

I may 'sound' normal, but I don't feel it. I'm sick of pretending.

And what do you mean by 'wtf'? :S what are you referring to?

InnerFatGirl

I know some aspies, but it sounds like you more likely have a mix of generalized anxiety disorder, depression and OCD. I think you would greatly benefit from speaking to a doctor/therapist. You are not crazy, you just need someone professional to discuss this with. Good luck, and take care of yourself!

Funny you say that, because I have depression and, although I haven't been diagnosed with GAD, I suffer from a thing called depersonalisation and derealisation, and they are said to be caused by GAD, though they can be a disorder in themselves. Not very talked about though, but there's lots of info online.

As for OCD, it's funny thinking of myself as having that. I'd have never have thought so, because I guess I generalised OCD sufferers as being the 'washing hands' 'checking lights' type, but really, there's lots of different 'types' of OCD tendencies, right?

Thank you. I honestly feel stuck though. I can't seem to emotionally handle therapists but I don't want to take meds. But I don't know how much longer I can cope alone. Every day is a struggle.

MNJ2921

My daughter is a very high-functioning aspie. Girls/women with Asperger's usually present differently than males. I highly suggest going to a certified therapist who has experience diagnosing women with Asperger's. There are services available to help those on the spectrum, but the thing I found most relieving is just knowing the why for certain behaviors and characteristics. My 11-year-old daughter's response when we told her she was on the spectrum, "Well that explains a lot." Also, there are several great books that helped me better understand AS in girls. And, yes, there are several areas in which many of us could be on the spectrum. One book I highly recommend is "Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger Syndrome" by Rudy Simone and "Asperger's in Pink" by Julie Clark.

InnerFatGirl

My daughter is a very high-functioning aspie. Girls/women with Asperger's usually present differently than males. I highly suggest going to a certified therapist who has experience diagnosing women with Asperger's. There are services available to help those on the spectrum, but the thing I found most relieving is just knowing the why for certain behaviors and characteristics. My 11-year-old daughter's response when we told her she was on the spectrum, "Well that explains a lot." Also, there are several great books that helped me better understand AS in girls. And, yes, there are several areas in which many of us could be on the spectrum. One book I highly recommend is "Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger Syndrome" by Rudy Simone and "Asperger's in Pink" by Julie Clark.

Thank you! I will have a look on Amazon RE the books. Not sure where I can find a certified therapist, though ...

Trishabelle12

My daughter is a very high-functioning aspie. Girls/women with Asperger's usually present differently than males. I highly suggest going to a certified therapist who has experience diagnosing women with Asperger's. There are services available to help those on the spectrum, but the thing I found most relieving is just knowing the why for certain behaviors and characteristics. My 11-year-old daughter's response when we told her she was on the spectrum, "Well that explains a lot." Also, there are several great books that helped me better understand AS in girls. And, yes, there are several areas in which many of us could be on the spectrum. One book I highly recommend is "Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger Syndrome" by Rudy Simone and "Asperger's in Pink" by Julie Clark.

Thanks for sharing this! My 22 yo daughter was diagnosed with Asperger's and I've not heard of those books (I've read some others, tho)...she wasn't diagnosed until she was 19.

And InnerFatGirl, I wish you luck and agree that you should seek out a good neurologist and be tested....get your questions answered!

AndiJoy812

You have a LOT of insight to what is going on with you, and that is a huge step for anyone.

To be diagnosed with Autism or one of the spectrums, it requires a team of professionals, not just one doctor or psychologist. I know for children, the number of professionals doing an eval varies, but three of them have to agree on the Autism label. (At least in the States). If you have access to a University, you may want to check and see if they have an Autism clinic. Check with your doctor, and I'm sure he/she will make the appropriate referrals.

Best of luck to you!

VitaBailey

I recognize some of your issues as OCD behavior. Specifically, the ruminating, obsessive thoughts. Don't give up on seeking medical help. Sometimes you have to go to a few different doctors until you find the right one. I wish you the best in finding the help you need.