Sadness about moving out..

InnerFatGirl

I know this isn't exactly fitness related, but I need some support, and, as this is the support section of the forum, I thought it'd be appropiate to post it here.

I moved out about three weeks ago. Only literally around the corner from my parent's house, and into the home of a family I have been friends with for years. So, it's not like I've moved into a strange house, or far from my childhood home.

But I can't shake this persistant sad feeling about moving out. Every time I go back home, I end up secretly crying upstairs. I went home the day before my birthday for a couple hours, and everything was different. My parents seemed so jolly and cheerful, and I just felt so disconnected. I went to see my old room and it was painted, moved around and full of their stuff. I could see all the things from our house, and the familiarity, and I felt shut out from it all. I couldn't stop the tears, and ended up forcing myself to stop and wiping my face just so they wouldn't notice.

My parents kept asking me if I was okay, and how I'd been feeling. I just brushed it off and said everything was okay.

Just now, I felt so empty and sad, missing them so much, that I had to have a little cry. And it still pains me.

How long will this last? I can't stand it anymore. I had a bad relationship with my Mum, and she was a source of pain for me for many years. It drove me mad living at home, and at times I couldn't wait to get out. But, almost like Stockholm syndrome, I now miss them.

I am used to feeling empty and sad. I struggle with depression, and it's recently got the point where I feel I can't take it anymore. I was only just coping being at home.

But now I've moved, it feels unbearable. I feel like I am losing more and more of myself, slowly fading into nothingness. I am consumed by the empty darkness, and I just don't know what to do anymore.

Right now, all I want is for everything to be okay. But, even though things may be 'okay' on the surface, it's not inside.

I just want a break from all this sadness. I don't think I was ready for this big life change. It's another stage of growing up, I know, but it's thrown me. I feel like a lost little girl again. I don't know what to do. I'm scared.

I want hugs. I want someone to hold me and erase the pain. I want the big empty hole inside me to be filled up with rainbows and stars, and fairydust, like it was when I was a little girl everyday, I become more of an empty shell.

tosmoothash

:flowerforyou: Awww honey I wish you were closer to me I would just hug you and tell you that everything is going to be okay. && TRUST me it will. I totally understand what you are saying abt your mom & depression...I have been there. I am still suffering from depression...but each day is getting brighter.

Everyone has mixed feelings about their first "real" move out. You are leaving your comfort zone and are unsure about what the future is going to be but cheer up..... it gets better. Mom and dad are going through the same feelings of you leaving as you are. You and your parents will move into a new phase of life themselves. Let go of the guilt!!!

If you have to....address these issues with them and let them know how you feel and that you're sad about not living at home. It will be good that you have addressed it and got it off your chest. DON'T walk around keeping all your feelings bottled inside...if you have to...do like i do...I journal my feelings...I tell you that it really helps w/ the depression. {{HUGSnKISSES}}

jenj1313

Wow... I know a bit of how you feel... I had some serious sadness when I moved out of the house I shared with my ex. I can totally relate to the feelings of loss of identity and feeling like you're drifting.

I'd suggest trying to talk to a counselor. The feelings you are having sound like they go way deeper than just the move out. You are longing to be loved and cherished and it doesn't sound like you got that from your parents in a way that fulfilled you. The only way I've found to deal with those feelings is to let them out, acknowledge them, and learn to move away from them. For me, counseling really helped with that.

I do hope you find your way out of the darkness.
Hugs to you,
Jen

thorx026

Here's a cyber hug XXX. Don't worry, as someone who has moved far away from home for college and around to many apartments since then, I really think it's a phase. You're just trying to settle into a very new stage of life. Of course things are good at times and bad in others, but this lonely feeling won't last, especially if you work to find things to do that do make you feel better. Talk to your parents, connect with the new people in your life, and remind yourself every day of the things you ARE thankful for in life. I hope this helps.

cathiaflock

I 100% agree with journal writing. I saw a counselor a long time ago when I got out of an abusive relationship. Write little post it notes reminding yourself of how a wonderful person you are and why you decided to move out to begin with. My parents moved away and it was just aweful. Be thankful that you have them close by and be comforted by that. I agree with being open with them that you are home sick and how you feel. If you can go talk to a professional counselor if it gets too overwhelming. If you don't work I would get a job. It will help you not think about these feelings. My thoughts are with you and know you will heal and get out of these aweful feelings.

ahavoc

Oh Baby, you're only 19. Give yourself a break! You're not supposed to know all of the answers now. You're still learning, and figuring things out. Of course it's hard leaving home. Now you really have to find out who you are and take responsibility for your actions, and that's very scary. But, most of us have been there, and it does get easier as you go along.

First I suggest that you forgive yourself, even if you don't know what it is you are forgiving yourself for. Be nice to yourself. Love yourself. Make your priority taking care of yourself and nothing else. Do you work out? Work out. That helps with stress and depression. Are you in school? Sign up for some classes if you can. What do you want to do with your life? What do you like to do? Do you draw? Do you write? Perhaps you like to make clothes, or cook. Find out what it is you love to do and learn more about it and do it.

Don't think that just because you're out of school you stop learning. I'm 54 and I learn something new every day of my life. I'm actually taking on-line courses to learn even more. Learning never stops and it makes life better.

Second, find someone to talk to. Is there a priest, minister, or any other friend who is supporting you? Another family member perhaps? It's important to talk to someone about your feelings. Get them out in the open and release them. Otherwise they stay inside and become toxic. Maybe there's a counseling center you can go to that's free.

Third. Realize that your mom is your mom, and you're never going to be her. Let go of that fear right away. Also, realize that because she is the way she is, perhaps it's very difficult for her to show you the love and affection that you need and are looking for. You're going to have to let that go and be ok with that. But also, realize that that has nothing to do with you at all. You didn't do anything. That's all on your mom, so walk away and start a new day.

Growing up is hard. That's why they call them growing pains. But be careful. Be smart. And you always have us here on MFP.

dakotababy

This sounds exactly like what happened to me when i moved out.

I also did not get along with my mother. She often was critical, bossy, and intrusive. When i first found out i was going to move out - i was thrilled. When the day came, i cried. I cried often after that. And when i would go home for a visit (and like you, my room was changed around almost a week after i had left!) It hurt. I felt...like i was not apart of the family anymore..and that brought on loneliness. I cried every time i left my parents house after a visit as well.

It took me about 6 months to start "getting over it". I thought to myself "This is my time to start MY OWN home and family". I lit up incents, candles, and decorated my own place to make it my own. It was a peaceful, quite place (the exact opposite of my parents house).

Now a days...about 3 years later...I do get sad leaving my parents house. Especially if it was a pleasant visit...but it has to be done. That what gets me over it.

I am 23yo. I moved out when i was 20...to a different city, for school.


ps - I also found it liberating when I was able to find my own "Adult identity." This could only happen once you move out. As well, my relationship with my mom has never been better. Its the distance that makes the heart grow fonder.

Ivyzmama

I know how you feel. I had a terrible relationship with my mom, and I was glad to move out, but it hurts to see how happy she and dad were for me to be gone. I think what you're facing is the loss of potential and, frankly, love. It sounds like you needed more love than your mom could/would give you and moving out is an acknowledment that that love is never going to come. It's kind of like the death of hope - your inner hope that things would get better has had to face that it's never going to get better. This would give anyone depression. Counseling helped me. At least you have a supportive new family to live with. As you go through life, pick the friends who are nicest to you and best for you and try to make them like family. Lots of people have to do this, and it's not what we want out of life but it can be just as good as if they were family. In other words, make your own family.

MFPBrandy

If you've struggled with depression in the past, are you getting help for it now? Untreated (or improperly treated) depression could be magnifying all your perfectly normal feelings about leaving home.
I, too, left under a less-than-an-ideal relationship with my mom. It was a few rough years, but now we're really close. I hope you get the same. And I really hope you come out of this funk soon (get help!), and start enjoying building your life as an adult -- it can be a lot of fun.
Hugs!

Nan_

Oh sweetie I wish I could give you a hug right now. I have a 19 year old myself! Moving out can be a big scary thing and growing up can be wonderful but scary. My oldest just graduated from college and said that he was scared because now he had to "grow up."

I know several adults who had rough relationships with their parents when they lived at home but now as adults they get along great! So maybe your relationship with your mom will improve.

I remember going home for the first time and seeing MY room being taken over by my parents. I understood that I had moved out and all but still it was a little startling.

Are you taking anything for the depression? Don't be afraid to take the medication if you find that you need it. If you're already on medication perhaps you should call your doctor and tell him/her you moved out, because moving causes stress and maybe you need to up your meds. Nothing wrong with taking meds when you need it!

Do you have any supportive adults in your life who you know will be there for you? If not, perhaps the next time you're home you can just tell your parents how you feel. Would you feel safe doing that or do you feel to fragile right now and are afraid of being rejected?

Find someone to talk to and just know that you aren't going to feel like this forever. You are going to be o.k. and you can get through this. But it would be good for you to have someone walk you through it. If you go to church talk to your pastor or your pastor's wife or someone there that you trust. And please check back and let us know how you're doing.