Former Fat Kid Relationship Philosophy Conundrum
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guys who say "i'd only date thin girls" are shallow, and you'll know the difference in other behaviors. i mean, i once fell for a guy like that, and i even lost a lot of weight (in a really unhealthy fashion) hoping he would actually be in a relationship with me instead of getting some on the side when no one was watching - but he still treated me like crap after i lost weight. (post-divorce lack of confidence can lead to really unhealthy relationships. huh.)
also, i'd say that guys will start paying attention long before you reach your goal weight. find someone who loves you no matter what. it's totally possible.
the fear of being judged worthy or not based on your appearance - that's what you need to worry about getting over. you aren't losing weight to find a relationship. you're losing weight to make yourself a healthier, better you. work on that, and work on finding relationships that are healthy and based on good personality match and love, rather than worrying about whether someone would have loved you when you were overweight.0 -
Maybe you will find a guy who used to be heavy. He will understand your journey because he traveled it as well.0
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Easy. Fall in love with another "former fat kid" on MFP.
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guys who say "i'd only date thin girls" are shallow, and you'll know the difference in other behaviors. i mean, i once fell for a guy like that, and i even lost a lot of weight (in a really unhealthy fashion) hoping he would actually be in a relationship with me instead of getting some on the side when no one was watching - but he still treated me like crap after i lost weight. (post-divorce lack of confidence can lead to really unhealthy relationships. huh.)
also, i'd say that guys will start paying attention long before you reach your goal weight. find someone who loves you no matter what. it's totally possible.
the fear of being judged worthy or not based on your appearance - that's what you need to worry about getting over. you aren't losing weight to find a relationship. you're losing weight to make yourself a healthier, better you. work on that, and work on finding relationships that are healthy and based on good personality match and love, rather than worrying about whether someone would have loved you when you were overweight.
i dont get the "its shallow to not want to date overweight people" mentality. if thats shallow then its also shallow to not want to date ugly people, or people from certain races, people of the wrong height, etc..
the heart wants what the heart wants.0 -
I personally will always be that obese little girl inside, even though I've been fit for many years now. I once dated a guy who stated, " I like my girls THIN"...he didn't get another date from me. Instinctively you will know the superficial guys from the ones who truly like you for you. I won't date superficial guys. I get lots of attention like we all do but when the guy is a superficial pig it's not welcome attention anymore. I date the guys that I KNOW would have been interested in me when I was heavy. And the guys in junior high who called me "Big Bertha" who friended me on FB? Declined! I never forget how I was treated back then...never!
No, you never ever forget how bad people treated you. I never have and those wounds may fade but they still hurt. Even when you lose weight. I feel very blessed to be where I am in life. Yeah, I have weight to lose, but I know who I am and what I will not stand for when it comes to other people in my life.
I think I will always be the kid that was picked on inside no matter how I look on the outside.
It sure feels good to post my pics on FB though...esp since some ppl who have conveniently forgotten they teased me are on my friend's list. And some of these same ppl make fun of me now b/c I eat well and work out lol. It's all good though
Keep loving yourself! My fave quote? "Love me or hate me I'm STILL gonna shine!" lol 0 -
^^^^^^^It sure feels good to post my pics on FB though...esp since some ppl who have conveniently forgotten they teased me are on my friend's list. And some of these same ppl make fun of me now b/c I eat well and work out lol. It's all good though Keep loving yourself! My fave quote? "Love me or hate me I'm STILL gonna shine!" lol
THIS0 -
^^^^^^^It sure feels good to post my pics on FB though...esp since some ppl who have conveniently forgotten they teased me are on my friend's list. And some of these same ppl make fun of me now b/c I eat well and work out lol. It's all good though Keep loving yourself! My fave quote? "Love me or hate me I'm STILL gonna shine!" lol
THIS
This what?? ^^^^^^^^^^0 -
Attraction is NOT simply physical. I was with a man for 6 years that was heavy because I loved his personality, which lead to my attraction to him. I found him wildly sexy because of who he was.
I still fall for guys based on personality over body type.
I agree that attraction isn't just physical, well not for me anyway. I don't really care what body type a guy has as long as he is intelligent, caring, can hold a good conversation, we can laugh together and we just click.
I haven't been to see films like Magic Mike simply because they don't interest me. I prize and value personality over look any day. I agree that there has to be an attraction but it has to be more than physical. I like to be in a relationship where he loves me regardless and vice versa. I understand that this may not be a popular view point and that the media trains us to value beauty over other stuff but that's tosh. it's about the person you. I honestly believe that.0 -
Is this really the same?
Nobody should reflect themselves poorly just to troll for some dumpy guy who like fat girls.
Be your best and go after somebody equally yoked physically.
Ladies, think of the movies "Magic Mike"
Would any of you have gone if the movie was about some nice but porcine fat guy who liked to dance?
NO!
Accept that beauty and attraction is mostly about looks.
And yes, the guys who would have never given the time of day will like you fit.
Big deal!
That's life.
I think they called that movie The Full Monty....
Are people viewing these guys like the Mike character.
Face it.
Mike makes ladies swoon!
One lady in another forum said she'd leave her husband in a second to have...whoever that actor is playing "Mike"...lol
All I am saying is to not spend your life swimming up stream against nature.
Nature is wonderful but at times very cruel.
Again, good luck with this.
I had to deal with this very issue, so it's not just the guys who can seem shallow.0 -
guys who say "i'd only date thin girls" are shallow, and you'll know the difference in other behaviors. i mean, i once fell for a guy like that, and i even lost a lot of weight (in a really unhealthy fashion) hoping he would actually be in a relationship with me instead of getting some on the side when no one was watching - but he still treated me like crap after i lost weight. (post-divorce lack of confidence can lead to really unhealthy relationships. huh.)
also, i'd say that guys will start paying attention long before you reach your goal weight. find someone who loves you no matter what. it's totally possible.
the fear of being judged worthy or not based on your appearance - that's what you need to worry about getting over. you aren't losing weight to find a relationship. you're losing weight to make yourself a healthier, better you. work on that, and work on finding relationships that are healthy and based on good personality match and love, rather than worrying about whether someone would have loved you when you were overweight.
i dont get the "its shallow to not want to date overweight people" mentality. if thats shallow then its also shallow to not want to date ugly people, or people from certain races, people of the wrong height, etc..
the heart wants what the heart wants.
i dunno, i've dated quite a few people who aren't conventionally attractive, and i've fallen for people i didn't look at on day one and go, Whoa, they're hot!
i'm not saying people should date someone who isn't attractive to them. what's shallow is "i'm not giving that person the time of day on the street." or, "i really like hanging out/being with/sleeping with X, but they're fat so i would never really 'date' them because my friends would see me with a fat chick."0 -
You want a guy who's fit and healthy, but it's not ok for guys to want the same??0
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That is a wonderful quote and healthy outlook.
^^^^^^^It sure feels good to post my pics on FB though...esp since some ppl who have conveniently forgotten they teased me are on my friend's list. And some of these same ppl make fun of me now b/c I eat well and work out lol. It's all good though Keep loving yourself! My fave quote? "Love me or hate me I'm STILL gonna shine!" lol
THIS
This what?? ^^^^^^^^^^
And you do shine.
:flowerforyou:0 -
When you find the right guy he will be someone who will love you for you, no matter whether you are fit or fat. Stuff happens. Sometimes we gain weight, sometimes we get sick. The right guy will love you no matter what. Who wants a partner who ditches when you have a health crisis?
I would never stay with a man who only dates thin women. I married one once and he made my life miserable. I also would never date a man who only dates fat women because too often a man like that will sabotage any weight loss efforts you make. If you find someone who loves you and respects you for who you are, you'll know.0 -
My thoughts EXACTLY!!! Not only would he understand the struggle you had faced but he would be better able to appreciate all of the hard work and dedication it took for you to change your lifestyle and get fit.... He would have the same focus and determination if he himself had gone from fat 2 fit.0
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It sure feels good to post my pics on FB though...esp since some ppl who have conveniently forgotten they teased me are on my friend's list. And some of these same ppl make fun of me now b/c I eat well and work out lol. It's all good though Keep loving yourself! My fave quote? "Love me or hate me I'm STILL gonna shine!" lol
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And the best part is when those people that used to make you feel so unworthy and teased you are now the ones who are overweight.0 -
Short of finding a guy who used to be heavy and is not just as interested in fitness as you are, I think you're going to have to learn to make the distinction between a guy who would not have been attracted to the overweight you because that's just not what draws his eye initially, and a guy who doesn't believe overweight people are worth dating. Give a guy the chance -- if he seems anti-fat, then drop him. But just because health is one of the things that attracts a guy, it doesn't mean that the attraction fades if you gain weight -- by then, he should know and love the rest of you (the important stuff that doesn't always show in the first impression).0
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That is a wonderful quote and healthy outlook.
^^^^^^^It sure feels good to post my pics on FB though...esp since some ppl who have conveniently forgotten they teased me are on my friend's list. And some of these same ppl make fun of me now b/c I eat well and work out lol. It's all good though Keep loving yourself! My fave quote? "Love me or hate me I'm STILL gonna shine!" lol
THIS
This what?? ^^^^^^^^^^
And you do shine.
:flowerforyou:
Awww...thank you! It's the humidity out here today making me shine...ha ha 0 -
But here's the thing-- how do you get over the mental hurtle of knowing this person might not have shown any interest in you at your former, higher weight?
Apologies if this is excessively blunt this early in the day, but your concern doesn't make any sense to me. There's no "what if" test that I'm aware of as far as screening for relationships go. It comes down to hopefully finding a decent person and letting the not-so-decent ones float to the surface so you can scrape them off... Unless someone clearly says "I don't date chicks above xyz weight," there's no way to tell if someone's going to be able to handle their partner's weight gain, surprise illness, disfiguring accident, etc. And if someone DOES say that, well they've culled themselves from the list of potentials, even if that's incredibly honest.
You're not going to attract a healthy partner with your current line of thinking. It's negative, self-loathing, and is only going to attract the person you're trying not to attract. Change your mindset. Focus on the positive. Focus on finding the positive, instead.
If you're making an effort to improve your health and thus improving your exterior, what difference should it make if someone would've been interested in you in a former, higher weight? That's like asking if someone would've dated who you were in high school or when you had that bad hair cut. You don't have a time machine. It's in the past. Let it go.
You're making strides to improve your health. Focus on you, who you are now, and who you're striving to be. Focus on being positive and hopefully you'll find someone else who focuses on the positive and who likes you for who you are. Anyone who gives you a laundry list of things they won't tolerate (as honest as that may be) probably isn't the person you're looking for anyway.0 -
How to you get over it?Ok, so one thing I keep wondering about recently is this:
I am currently single and have been for a few years now-- roughly the same amount of time since my weight got out of control. But now that I'm losing (little by little), I wonder if guys will see me more as I get smaller. But here's the thing-- how do you get over the mental hurtle of knowing this person might not have shown any interest in you at your former, higher weight? I mean, I know people in general are more attracted to fit people, but... I guess what I'm saying is I don't want a guy that couldn't want the fat me, even if I want to improve myself and my body. Have any other single people who have reached their goals dealt with this idea loop? How?
I guess the basis for this is that I've lived around a terrible double standard where guys get to be overweight, but women over 130 get criticized, and I really couldn't deal with that trait in a partner. At the same time, I'd love to be with someone that was kind of health-nutty and fit so we could do crazy activities together, like running marathons or taking dance classes or something.
Easy.
Attraction is physical - period.
That's nature; welcome to the human race.
BUCK UP!
You plug into reality and resolve to live well, be happy and stay fit.
I don't mean to be unkind, but body fat is ugly to most people.
This is news?
Just suck it up, get healthy where you'll look good, feel great and live a nice long life.
Good Luck :flowerforyou:
this0 -
Nobody should reflect themselves poorly just to troll for some dumpy guy who like fat girls.
Be your best and go after somebody equally yoked physically.
Ladies, think of the movies "Magic Mike"
Would any of you have gone if the movie was about some nice but porcine fat guy who liked to dance?
NO!
Accept that beauty and attraction is mostly about looks.
And yes, the guys who would have never given the time of day will like you fit.
Big deal!
That's life.
I think they called that movie The Full Monty....
And I saw it twice in the theater, and now own it. The theory above is flawed. I loved that movie because the guys were so loveable.0
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