Planning a Binge - My struggle and a resolution

LarStar

Hi All,

I have struggled with binge eating disorder my entire life. In the past 5 years I have addressed my eating disorder from many different angles, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and now, in response to all of the other work I have done (with doctors and on my own), I am able to start to work ont he physical aspect, losing the weight. Througout my life, I have run into trouble when tyring to control foods, binging on foods I deny myself, whether it be chocolate or carrots. I have found MFP to be the best way of watching my food and making healhty choices. I have also been testing the waters with my eating disorder, trying to find a way to further understand it - am I triggered by spwcific foods? THe labels I put on them (healthy, unhealthy, DANGER)? Situations? What happens to me during a binge? etc. I have made really amazing advances with my eating disorder, but know that it will always be a part of my life. Not necessarily binging, but the need to count calories and know exactly what I am consuming, one to keep me mindful of my eating and two, to stop me from thinking I have failed in a day bcause I have a treat that is within a healthy calorie range.

Please do not comment if you plan on being critical. I am posting this formyself and in case it might help someone else who is dealing with an eating disorder or has difficulties with binge eating.

Thank you all for being part of a community where I can express myself, my triumphs, and struggles and know that I will be met with a community of people who at times, also struggle with food choices.

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I've read on here that some people think "planned binges" are ok. That they plan them into their week so as not to go crazy, to allow for parties, because they don't want to cut everything out, etc etc. I've been trying this on, seeing how it feels, and what comes of it. After two days of "allowing," knowing that I would work off the excess cals, I realize that for me, a binge is still a binge and no matter how I try to label it, as "ok," it still takes an emotional toll on me and stays in my mind. (For others, this method might work famously, and if it does, that is amazing! I'm not judging your practices, I'm only saying they don't work for me.)

July has been filled with birthdays, this week specifically as we've been celebrating K's birthday all week, going out to do fun things, for lunches, dinners, seeing family etc. I expected it would be a hard month with all the birthdays and up until Friday, I felt mostly good about my food choices.There was one day where I ate pizza mindlessly and another day where I ate way too much meat, but I worked the calories off and let it go. I guess I should start by saying that I've been under my calories every day, but the last two days have felt as though my eating disorder is in charge of my life as I planned a binge, knowing what calories I would consume in advance and knowing that I would eat excessively.

The family dinners have been the worst because everyone else also binge eats, so inhaling an entire plate of food isn't an uncommon occurence. I always find that if I am around people who are in control of their eating, that I too will stay in control and make healthy choices. While I might have a desire to eat more, I will avoid it because I don't want anyone to see how I can really eat. There have been times when I have lost myself, eating too many chips with guacamole with people I wouldn't commonly binge around. Once I would come up for air, I would feel like they knew I had a problem and be sure to skip the next meal or be much more conservative with eating later, so they wouldnt pity me or look at me with judgement.

I guess I am writing this letter to myself to figure out exactly what I want for myself. Up until now I've tried to allow everythign and not label days as "bad" as long as I could get under my calories with exercise. Yesterday while swimming laps I realized that all of the effort I was putting in could be going towards getting more fit, not jsut working off the ****ty food I ate.

Yesterday, I planned what I would call a binge and what others around me called "dinner." I swam for an hour, working of the big lunch we had jsut eaten, planning to have a steak and salad for dinner, something small and in control and then, the plans for dinner started. My Mom suggested ordering in and a part of me cringed. I had eaten way to much yesterday at the lunch celebration and now, after going out for a more moderate lunch, she wanted to order dinner in for us. We ran through the options- thai, indian, pizza, wings, pizza & wings...I said I wasn't going to get any, which was followed by a "well, we don't have to get anything, we can jsut make dinner" ...Ok, that was ok We would make something healthy.

Now, I want to say that I'm not blaming anyone for my eating, but I do want to log this so I know where I go with it. I am completely responsible for the people I am around and how their eating habits either help or trigger me, and I am also in charge of the food that passes my lips at all times.

We went for another swim and again, my Mom started talking about what we were having for dinner and how she was so hungry. I thought it had been resolved. Getting out of the pool again, she wanted to do something nice for K's birthday, but at the same time, she was planning her own binge, whether she knew it or not. Calling out to St Louis Wings always means a calorie binge. Mom and K were getting 20 wings each and they're both smaller than me....should I also get that? No, I dont want that. In fact, I don't want any of it. My moments of strength become fleeting as I think about how I will be craving wings while they are eating if I dont get any for myself, how I will come off as trying to control everyone elses food, how it will negatively impact them. The same way an alcoholic who is absuing will look at someone who doesn't want to drink, so do they look at me this way. My choosing not to binge makes them feel as though I am judging them and I don't want to make them feel that way on a day for celebration. My choosing not to binge makes me feel as though they are judging me too, and that makes me want to eat. I don't want to stir the pot on K's birthday and make them feel bad about their food choices, nor do I want to eat (while another part of me wants nothing more but to eat all of the wings.) I can work off the calories in the pool after dinner. I will "allow" this binge. I order 20 wings, knowing that I will eat all of them and spend the rest of the night in the pool making up for it.

It wasn't worth it. I felt amazing after the swim, knowing that I had burned off all the calories I needed too, but still, I am embarassed by everything I ate, knowing that everyone on MFP can see all the food I consumed, thinking everyone will judge me, and yet, I will leave the diary up as a reminded for myself. For me, I need to stop hiding it. I need to play with an open hand, putting everythgni out there or take the power out of it and try to let go of the shame I feel. Mom and K both know about my eating disorder, they have both seen my cry through it when my calories have been over (even by a single digit) for the day; they've both watched me exercise excessively in response to a binge. Yes, I have the tools to stop a binge. Yes I've imporoved drastically over the last 5 years, but it still happens from time to time, particularly when I try to avoid certain foods or when I am around triggers like my parents or other people who binge eat.

I woke up this morning at 4am, my body begging for water after all of the sodium I consumed yesterday. My mind and body both feel foggy and slow, everything feels heavy likely from the late workout, but in my mind, it is from the food. I go to the bathroom and feel sick, holding my stomach as rock myself. I feel even more full from all the water I just drank, trying to quench my thirst. It didn't work, but at least I feel cooler. I wash up for bed again and try to lay back down; I have indigestion so I stay up intil 5:45am, playing a word game on Nintendo DS, keeping my body upright so as not to get sick. I finally fall back to sleep and wake up feeling better, but full of guilt and embarassment for the night before.

I wake up knowing there are chicken wings in my parents fridge, there is cake and chocolate in our fridge at home due to early birthday celebrations that people sent home with us. When I go home, it will still be there. These aren't one of those things I can just throw out, they aren't mine. I eat the 4 remaining chicken wings for breakfast, in a way trying to show myself that I can eat them and be ok, and another way, eating them because I can't stop thinking about them and know that until they are gone, they will be on my mind. Why didn't I just throw them out? I felt like I would miss them. A part of me feels like something is missing. Not always, but the past few days, I'm trying to figure it out.

As I lose weight, emotions and ideas come up that only come up when I am losing weight. My parents are sabotaging me. I'm angry with them for all the years they didn't get fit and help me to get healthy as a child. My mom jumps on the health bandwagon as I start to get into a healthy practice and railroads it when she can't keep at it. I feel more attractive to men, and because of that, I get more attention from them - I don't actually want the attention, but I like the control I have over them.

When I feel like I am taking great care of myself, I am confident, happy, playful, and eager to exercise. When i get in this "bingey" mindframe, I watch insecurities crop up and thoughts of anger towards myself and my parents crop up. It is amazing to me that something as simply as overeating can trigger such a sick mindset within myself, and yet, I know it does.

This entry will serve as a reminder to me that to be the me I love, I have to eat well for myself. The binge eating me is someone I would never want to know and can be so easily avoiding "simply" by choosing to take care of myself. In this case, it's not about the food, but where the food takes me mentally and emotionally, and that is an ungly place where I do not want to be.

I started this entry feeling down in the dumps, and now, I know that I can do this. That as I learn more about myself, about this eating disorder and the choices I make, that I keep learning and that is the best thing that I can do to "beat" this and to get healthy for life.


My Goal for the rest of July and all of August
-To prepare all of our meals - no fast food/ takeout/ dining out until September.
- When I do agree to go out for a meal, it will be no more than once a month,
- To start a healthy practice with K where we work out together
- No more than 1 meal/week at my parent's house unless I have prepared it.

mirandamayhem

Wow, you're on a real journey, and you're doing amazingly working through things. You've put so much thought into your decisions and actions.
It's one baby step at a time and you are doing great. Don't forget that. xxxx

debomommyforhealth

Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your struggles. I have struggled with binge eating and bulimia for 15 yrs. of my life. The bulimia is gone, but the binge eating is still there and creeps up (especially during family dinners!). I understand your pain when you feel that your family isn't completely supportive and sabotages your best efforts. Then, they look at you like you are crazy or "too good" when you withhold from "trigger" foods. Believe me, I'm there. My mom is always on "diet" but then gives up when it gets tough. It's frustrating, but MFP has been my saving grace. Also, reading the book "How to Overcome Emotional Eating" by Geneen Roth. If you haven't read her books, I highly recommend them!! She feels like an honest friend "in the same boat" when times get tough and all you want to do is binge! Actually reading her book prevented me many times from a binge! She is THAT good!

Anyway, I am here if you ever want to talk. I understand and struggle with this daily. It's a battle. At least drug addicts and alcoholics can just avoid their "drug". Unfortunately, we can't with food being essential for survival. But, we need to make it what it is: something we need to survive on (and not emotional survival, physical)!


I find by logging my binges, admitting them, feeling every bit of crappiness you feel after a binge help in this journey! I still binge, but I notice my binges getting smaller and less frequent. Now, with our family reunion coming up...that could be another story! I am sure I will be on MFP alot for help and encouragement!

Hugs to you my friend! You are doing awesome!

Lmezz11

You are so brave for sharing that! You must be one tough cookie to be able to put that out there and that is awesome. You have overcome so much its unreal! I sincerely wish you luck in your journey and if you need anyone to talk to, vent to, or what ever the case may be I would be more than willing to help if I can. You are truly inspirational and I appreciate you taking the time to put all that down! Stay determined and congrats on everything you have accomplished so far!

Bananauyuu

I really love this post! :O It explains how it's like for me sometimes. My mom knows that I have a bad thing with binge eating on unhealthy food (cookies, salty crackers, chips) yet she still buys them. I'm good for a few hours, a day or two then I binge on them and get upset at my mom. ;-; She also makes me feel so pathetic for binge eating. Saying things like "Don't blame me for your weight" how can I not when she buys these things?! Also going out with friends... I heard that surrounding yourself with people who eat healthy will be better and easier for you. So I've reduced the amount of hanging out with them and I feel like they don't like me as much anymore; it's really frustrating, but it's hard to go out with them every week or twice a week when all they eat is deep-fried and processed food and they don't understand how hard I work to at least keep this shape. They complain about me being skinny all the time (they are all... overweight) and I want to tell them and yell at them to stop eating this junk and go work out, but they'll probably look at me with disgust... haha. ^^;