50 Shades of Dundee (Scotland)

ChristineDiet Posts: 719 Member
Got this from a friend and thought it was hilarious. You could add to it in your own accent??


He caught meh eh across the queue at fermfoods and i seductively flicked meh fringe as i eh’d up his packet o chicken dippers…he cheesed back at is showing ah his rotten wallies eftir years o methadone and whispered its giro day darlin fancy coming roond the back o the keillor centre to share meh 3 leg o white ****ening..what could eh say…eh was roon there like a shot…ane leg oot meh 10 denier tights as we made right good music (think it was 2 unlimited) ahind the bins..maist romantic encoonter o meh life…!!

Eh wisnae sure what tae make o meh keillor centre encounter, he didnae offer iz a ring right away, but he did pass on the clap tae iz, i felt special, like we already shared sumthin, i kent it wiz only a matter o time afore he used his hoosin benefit tae get iz that ‘meh *****’ weddin ring oot the cash generator. He gave iz the phone box number beside his flat, he had selt his phone for smack ken, so I called him the next day aff meh new eh-phone i bumped fae some lass in primark changin rooms, he answered in a dead sexy voice and pure turnt iz oan ken, i telt him i could get a baby sitter for ma bairns that night, ma mum was gonnae take Twilight-Gaga and Beyonce, and my sister said she wid look efter Ronan-Bieber and Mitzi-Evo so a date was oan the cards.

We met ootside KFC, he got iz a poke o chips and had a tin o special for iz in his bomber jecket, was dead romantic. He looked at iz like i was tescos finest, and he ran his hands over my puss sayin how dead nice i was orange and ah that, telt him it was that new stuff in semi-chem, id spashed oot that week. he brushed past my gold hoop earrings and leaned in to kiss iz, the taste of special brew and lambert and butler reminded me so much of my last true love, i was smitten, ken

So me an ma new lad, Hoochie, hid now been goin oot for ywa month, and it wiz gettin serious, i mean we had almost managed tae do it in all the rooms in both our flats! He had gone doon tae cash generator wi hiz hoosin benefit and bought me that ring, eh wasnae expectin it cos he wiz oot o leccy too and i thought he had nae money left.
It was pure dead romantic and ah that tho ken, we wiz at the job centre in the wellgate, he has signed oan and i wiz waitin, it was kinda busy as usual, and smelt like them towels u get on a bar, my favourite perfume like, nothin better than goin intae lloyds and rubbin yer tits on the bar cloths, pulls the men in ah night that trick. Anyways, i got called up and ran through ma usual pish, they says i could go so i turnt roond and there Hoochie was, on one knee beside them leaflets oan benefit cheats, ken wi that mirror and ahin? he says to iz, and i will never forget them words…

“Corsa-bella, the love oh ma life, ehv pure no loved a burd like this since that lassie worked in burger king wi the big tits that used to smile at iz, ehm wantin u tae marry iz, like for ever and ah that”

well, i was blown awa like, ahbdy was watchin and i felt like katie price, some o ma old dancin mates fae deja vu were in and takin photaes on their phones, i says aye right awa! Happiest day of ma life, even happier than that day the court fire alarm went off and i got an extra *kitten* break afore ma case wiz called!

We were dead happy like, then Hoochie got a pure hard oan which wiznae common the past week or so cos o his smack bein a different batch or summat he says, so we thought we best get hame fast! Sittin on the 1A he wiz stroking ma leggings, was exciting cos whar I had a *kitten* burn wiz a hole in them, and when he brushed ma skin it made iz pure jump, id shaved ma legs this month too so ma luck was in! His hands were awfy soft coz ma mum had got a special on that fairy stuff in asda last week, and efter he snogged that barmaid I made him wash all ma dished for a week, didnae ken his nails wid come up so clean!

Some ald wifey wiz lookin over, just cos he wiz stroking ma leg, Hoochie telt her tae dae wan and stop lookin at his burd, he says she musta been a closet lezzer jealous o my blue eyeshadow makin me look so bonnie. We carried on, we were only half way hame by now, but the bus was no busy and my oldest kid Beyonce was sittin down the front anyway, lazy preggers kid wouldn’t come up the back wi us, her bump was getting heavy she says, plus she had seen some lassie fae school so wiz talking to her.

Suddenly Hoochie got ma weak spot like, he managed to brush past ma tit, id tried to get ma nipple pierced efter ma 4th bairn, ken for ma 18th birthday present aff ma ex but he couldnae afford a real piercer so got his cousin to do it and it didnae work properly, he was gonna fix it the next week but got the jail so he is gonnae look at it in 12-18 months. Whar it was tho left an awfy sensitive bit, and when Hoochie brushed it ah tell ya! OOH! I almost dropped ma baccy, I says to him he have to get aff this bus now, we were almost at B&Q and I kent there was a wee sneaky alleyway up there, I says weve got day tickets anyway so wont have to pay for the next bus hame, we can give Beyonce the shoppin ken?

Beyonce wisnae happy when we asked her tae tak the shoppin, so we paid a jakey sittin nearby ten *kitten* tae help her aff the bus, and we got off at B&Q. Ma leggings were getting awfy wet now cos ah was dead pure turnt on ken, and ma diamonte thong id stole off the sale rack in asda wiznae up to much soakin up, but we didnae care, we ran up the alleyway and Hoochie threw iz against the wall dead romantic and that. His trakkies slid doon easy like, and I stepped a leg oot ma leggings, had to take ma sandal off one foot though, and get Hoochie tae hold ma leg cos of the broken bud bottles, but that wiz ok.

He gave iz a hickie on ma left tit, he says its cos ma exes name is tattoed on my left one and he covered it to be all dead protective and that, but I says that’s my Ronan-Biebers dad mind, and he actually pays some maintenance to iz so dinnae be dead nasty ken. Anyway, he slipped off ma vest top and didnae even bother aboot my muffin top, that’s when ya ken its pure love see. I was sure someone wiz gonna come along, and was sayin tae him tae get goin cos eh dinna need anymare trouble wi the polis, so he got in iz and started goin for it, oh he wiz like that tigger toy they were sellin in toys r us last Christmas for twenty quid, was the most exciting 2 and a half minutes in pure ages, he telt iz he was done and pulled awa, I wiz like aye nae bather Hoochie, you just look out for the polis and I will finish maself off ken, but he says the next 1A was due in 3 minutes so we had tae go.

Just as we got on the bus, Beyonce called to say her waters hid broke, eh wiz like aww Beyonce you stupid cow, its ****in Friday night and ahv got a night oot wi the girls, how selfish!! She hung up oan iz anyway, dunno why. On the bus wiz afwy romantic like, Hoochie had that glow aboot him, ken the one whar uv just shot yer load, and he wiz lookin at iz like eh wiz pure gold that he could sell at ramsdens or sumthin. Eh felt pure dead special ken.

We got home, and Twilight –Gaga wiz arguing wi Beyonce, totally killed all that romance like, apparently Beyonce’s waters hadnae broke at all, she has pished herself after havin a few voddies in the park. Twilight-Gaga was havin a go at her for it, and too bloody right, wastin money on voddie when ehm needin *kitten*, selfish *****. I telt Beyonce to sober up and get her homework done, I tell ya since that lassie moved into 3rd year she had a right gob on her.

Me and Hoochie went intae the kitchen to mak the tea, he was still lookin ah that glowin way, he says he wid cook for iz but eh says naw Hoochie you did ah the work in that alley, you sit doon wi a tinny and ehm gonnae cook yer pot noodle for you. He looked at iz again like eh wiz the shizzle.

So the engagement hid been oan now for a few months, and we wiz wantin tae seal the deal ken, but it wid mean that the social wiz gonna notice we were livin at mine so we hid tae move Hoochie’s lodger oot afore the cooncil foond oot he was sub letting, which meant he was gonnae go sort it oot.

Ehd managed tae get rid o the clap now tho so we decided tae go and celebrate, Hoochie says he wid be hame for 8 and wid tak iz tae the local for a few, he had selt a wee bitty o weed for a mate so had a bit extra to spend on his burd. Ehm pure dead excited whenever ehm goin oot, so wiz getting ready from aboot 5, shaved ma legs for the second time in a month which wiz no like me, thought aboot ma bikini line too but was scared to efter ah lost ma vajazzles in there a few months ago and kinda wanted to wait a bit longer to mak sure they hid all fallen oot.

By 8 o clock eh wiz lookin awfy bonnie like, pure hid on ma good leggings an ahin, ma primark gold wiz drippin aff iz, and id got them fake eyelashes aff the avon wummin, no payin for them like but if eh wash the glue aff them and repack them she will never ken. Ma heels were oan, white strappy ones oot the factory shop, one wiz a size too small but was fine, guys like a wummin wi a limp coz she can pass for disability better ken.