Need suggestions to help my loving husband. :)

goblynn

Would love to hear some suggestions as to how one would get a loved one to join MFP.

Yes. I know that folks won't stay committed if it isn't their decision. However, I really REALLY think my husband would 'get into it' if he gave it a chance. The problem is he and I are like oil and water when it comes to dieting and such. He tends to stick to diets where as I like to make healthy choices all the time.

He is an amazing man who has struggled w/ his weight all of his life. In the past he has had great success on Atkins. (please don't turn this into an Atkins thread as I know, I know). The problem is, since he has done it AND lost weight he goes back to it. Notice I said 'goes back to it' that is, every time he gains the weight back.

I want nothing more than to support him with his desire to lose weight however he will not get on MFP. Even after seeing me lose 8lbs. And me telling him how much I have learned. I always get the 'look'.

Has anyone had any similar situations? Suggestions as to how to introduce him to the site with out it feeling intimidating, threatening, etc.

LisaB55

I don't know that I have any suggestions, but your husband and mine sound as if they could be the same person! Mine has extremely rigid ideas about what he must do to lose weight. He has also always struggled with his weight and is now, conservatively, 125-150 lbs overweight. I have begged him over the years to help me with my eating and to exercise with me, often even at times when he has decided to do something about his weight, but he flat out refuses. He also did Atkins a few years ago and lost 70 or 80 lbs over 5 or 6 months. He is now convinced it is "the only way" he can lose weight in spite of the fact that he regained all the weight and probably more and that when he tries it he can't keep it up for more tha a couple of weeks. He also believes that he is incapable of changing his lifestyle in any realistic way or allowing himself any freedom in what he eats, which means that he has decided that the best way for him to eat is to literally consume the exact same foods every day. And surprise, surprise, he doesn't stick with that for more than a couple of weeks either. He actively avoids support of any kind and thinks that is the only reason to join or download MFP. My 16-year-old daughter and I have now been doing this together for 7 weeks and have both lost respectable, but not excessive, amounts of weight. He even cooks appropriate meals for us and emails us both the recipes so than we can log what we eat accurately, but so far the changes we are making don't seem to be rubbing off.

I will be very interested to see the responses you get.

GhostPack

He doesn't need to be on MFP for your support. I would back off of the issue a bit.
I think you are enough of a motivation to keep him interested in keeping himself healthy.

goblynn

bump

linz1125

I think maybe just start showing him stuff on here...like your food diary when you've had a great day, exercise logs, and even any threads that you find funny/informative/helpful. Maybe it will peak his interest and he will get on here then.

iLoveMyPitbull1225

Show him how it works and what to do. He will be turned off if he is confused or frustrated. I would maybe ask him to just try it for, say 1 week. Just to humor you. If he doesnt like it, he is free to stop.


Other than that, try to incorporate him into your workout routines/find things to do together, cook together, etc. He might come around.

But at the same time, dont push it too hard. I would try to be supportive and loving in the ways that he needs, wether or not its the way you would do it. It sounds like you have the best intentions and only want to help.

JenRunTriHappyGirl

my husband is a workout freak and because of that he can eat whatever he wants and get away with it. So, I started grocery shopping and gradually traded in snacks that he and our sons wanted to healthier things. The theory is, if its not in the house, it does not get eaten. My husband thinks MFP is silly, but with 16 pounds off, I beg to differ. I would not push him so hard to get on MFP, but maybe do different things that would help him. Like the grocery shopping for instance. Find family activites to do together that are active. He might resist, but its worth a shot! Good luck!

karensoxfan

Would love to hear some suggestions as to how one would get a loved one to join MFP.

Yes. I know that folks won't stay committed if it isn't their decision. However, I really REALLY think my husband would 'get into it' if he gave it a chance.

... I always get the 'look'.

Has anyone had any similar situations? Suggestions as to how to introduce him to the site with out it feeling intimidating, threatening, etc.

Short answer: You can't get him to join. He has to want it & decide for himself. You can send him an e-mail invite, and let him accept, decline, or hold until later at his discretion.

I've been on the opposite side of where you are. I've been in self-destruct mode longer than I care to admit, and while my DH was always working out & trying to eat healthier, there was nothing he could do to MAKE me want to follow his lead. I was defensive when he tried to encourage me, and sometimes because I'm a stubborn person generally, even dug my heels in deeper when he tried to "help" me.

When I finally decided that I needed to make a change, he's been supportive, but that decision had to be mine. And I had to make it when I was ready to make the changes I'd need to be successful. I hope your DH comes to those decisions sooner rather than later, but there's nothing you can do to make them happen before he's ready for himself.

TurtleRunnerNC

My husband is doing Atkins. Again. For line the umpteenth time. Tried to get him to try MFP. Nope ''Atkins is the only thing that works for me. Your 'fad diet :noway: ' won't work''

Ugh. He does great on atkins but when he goes back to eating real life way the weight comes back.

I have no advice just letting you know you are not alone. Maybe if they see us lose the weight (even though it is slowly) and keep it off they will see the light.

Good luck.

DanOhh

<dragging horse to the water> "Drink it horse!" "Why won't you drink it?"

RobynMWilson

All you can do is be an example. I am the only fitness-minded one in my family. I moved back home a few years ago and after 4 yrs of Mom watching sweat flying in my bedroom and doing plyo-burpees and such in my room, the fitness bug has finally hit her now that she's retired. She's out walking a few times per week and this morning we are ordering her a senior citizen workout called "Tony and the Folks" (by Tony Horton of P90X fame). It's been my experience that weight loss and fitness are much like dealing with a drug addiction...you can't FORCE your will onto someone else. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't force them to drink it...

Cassaaaaandra

My husband and I are like oil and water on the whole dieting and exercise lifestyle and always have been. I knew before we got married that it would be a struggle for me to maintain my lifestyle and after two kids I can tell you that it most certainly has.

All I can tell you is that the more you push the more he will repell. Everyone deserves to come into this on their own terms. I suspect in my case my husband's big motivator will be after a heart attack. Damn good thing I'm a critical care nurse with a cardiac background....:noway:

NoAdditives

I think you need to leave him alone. If he doesn't want to do it, he's not going to do it. If you can, simply make healthier foods at home. I know that my husband was resistant to my suggestions, but since I'm the one who does the cooking, he had no choice but to stop (for the most part) eating processed junk. So, even though he wanted no part of it (because he doesn't need to lose weight) he's getting healthier and he likes it.

Captain_Tightpants

You've got to let him do it on his own time. Lead by example.

Probably nothing wrong with reminding him that "if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always get" though...

sevsmom

There were a collision of events that led my hubby to MFP. #1. . I had been trying to lose weight for 9 months and complaining that his dinners were really calorie dense and wrecking my eating. . . .#2 his annual visit to the doctor included a suggestion to drop about 20lb (he's lost ove 30 now). . . and he wanted to see if his recipes really were all that bad or not. I told him about the recipe calculator here on MFP and those things were what brought him here. He hasn't logged on in awhile, but he's not into the social aspect of the site. He like using the tools to become more mindful of the calories in the food he was eating so he could make adjustments. And, the recipe tool helped him see his meal prep in a new light. A "win" for both of us. (Yes, I'm spoiled. . . he does all the cooking and I do the baking.)

If your husband really isn't into it, the more you push, the more he'll ignore it. Perhaps even get resentful at you for bringing it up *again*. Just mention positive things you've gotten from the sight from time to time without any more references to him joining. If he gets curious, he'll check it out or ask you about it. Otherwise, it's not really worth creating an issue out of for your relationship.

My 2 cents worth.

MommaKit79

WOW!!! sounds almost like my husband!!

I cant get him to log his food, no matter what. We did Weight Watchers and he wouldnt log. i literally had to ask him what he ate and log for him. That got annoying for me because, OF COURSE, he can eat a lot more then I could!

Anyway, keep up with your good habits and slowly, without him REALLY knowing, bring them into your everyday life with him. I occasionally make something really good and healthy for dinner and dont tell him what it is til after he eats it and likes it, IF he doesnt ask questions!

Good Luck!! I think there are a LOT of us in the position!!!

gudiiya

bump!

Jomalone2

Sounds just like my husband. I gave up! He actually joined MFP and lost 5 pounds his first week then quit - GO FIGURE. If they don't want it, they dont' want it. You can't want it for them.

dreamingchild

I don't mean to be a downer but it is his choice on how and when he loses weight and as his wife you should be supportive. Lots of people don't need mfp or another calorie counting site to lose and maintain weight loss. Hell for 25 years I did just fine just living my life my way and looked just fine. It wasn't until my older years that I needed something more than what I was already doing. Loving him as he is is more important than having him do things the way you want him to.

Jacwhite22

I think you should point out that Atkins has worked temporarily but he always puts it all back on plus some. It would be extra beneficial if you do it around family/friends. Shaming/embarrasing him around others he cares about is the only way to make it happen. If that doesn't work follow him around and track what he eats and then post it on facebook. If enough people give him crap he's sure to change.

zorylopez

I am going through the same thing. I have lost 25lbs so far in MFP. I been here for 90 days. My husband suffers from high blood pressure. And he is 50+lbs overweight. He gets upset that i tell him how much calories is what he is eating. I think by me telling him to workout and count what he eats has push him away. I never saw him eating so much Cheese danish in my life. I think he does this to try me out. He says you want some and i say no. And he will be OK i will eat it. I always ask him, Do you love us? And he says yes. And i tell him it doesn't seem like it because you want to die. His dad past when he was in his 50's from a heart attack. I don't know what to do anymore. I need help too.

bugtrain

If he's got a mindset of Atkins being the only way ,you might try a different approach and show him the Atkins website.......there's a great community of supportive people there and lots of ideas for meals,etc........just like any approach to weight loss.....if he sticks with it,it works.(I'm not doing Atkins btw......I just try to have an open mind)

BigGuy47

I don't mean to be a downer but it is his choice on how and when he loses weight and as his wife you should be supportive.

I agree 100%.

My wife doesn't want to mess with counting calories. Even without counting she's done well and lost a lot of weight. I don't try to push this site or any other program on her. She's her own person and makes her own choices - I support her in every way I can.

RobinShay

I have a friend like that too. She ALWAYS, EVERY DAY says how much she needs to lose the weight but she won't do anything about it. Even if she would just log her calories she would be amazed. Noooooo. She likes to eat. A LOT.
I just show her successful people who have lost weight in hopes it will stir her motivation to do something. When she's ready I will be there to support her.

coburngirl

Maybe if you act like it's a secret society you don't want him to be a part of he will join:) Congrats on your success!

knowwhentoshutup

I don't have any real advice for you. However, my husband is similar.

I have been fairly diligent about logging my food and exercise since the beginning of the year, and trained and completed a half marathon. He told me after the race that he felt left out. I always tell him, then join me! He has full access to a gym and pool for FREE through work, but hasn't ever wanted to use it. I would encourage him to do fitness tapes with me, and he would say no, he doesn't like them, but then sulk because I was going to work out without him, anyway.

But, then at the end of June, I started P90x. Two weeks in, again feeling like he was missing out, he started P90x. Now, we work out together, YAY! Victory!!, Next week is the last week of Phase 1 for us. It is kicking our butts, but in a good way!

You can't force it, but be supportive. I focused on the healthy benefits more than a goal weight or size. I told him I was concerned because of medical conditions in his family that I didn't want him to be at risk for...yada yada.

I suppose it also helps that I am the main meal planner/grocery shopper/cook in our house - so everyone is on the health(ier) eating journey whether they like it or not! Haha.

Jacwhite22

He gets upset that i tell him how much calories is what he is eating. I think by me telling him to workout and count what he eats has push him away. I never saw him eating so much Cheese danish in my life. I think he does this to try me out. He says you want some and i say no. And he will be OK i will eat it. I always ask him, Do you love us? And he says yes. And i tell him it doesn't seem like it because you want to die. His dad past when he was in his 50's from a heart attack.

He gets upset when I tell him how many calories he is eating. I that that me telling him to workout and log what he eats has pushed him away. I have never seen him eating so many cheese danishes in my life. I think he is doing this to test me. He will ask me if I would like any and when my response is "no" he will respond with "OK, I will eat it". I always ask him "Do you love us?" He says "Yes" and then I tell him "It doesn't seem like it because it seems like you want to die". His dad passed when he was in his 50s from a heart attack




Edited to help others......I had a hard time reading through it and figured others might as well.

MMMendoza007

As a person who's normally been the heavy one in a relationship, I always wished my partners would leave me the hell alone. I knew they meant well. I knew they did it out of love (well one of them). But it wasn't something someone could jump start in me. I only lost the weight when I came to the decision. Just as I am the one putting on the brakes this time after re-gaining some of what I lost. To me, there is no good way to do it that doesn't somehow include an overtone of disapproval or dissatisfaction on your part in a situation where people tend to be territorial and sensitive. It makes people resentful.

In an odd twist, my marriage ended because of something like what you're talking about. My father is a terrible diabetic. I watched them cut away pieces of my Aunt due to diabetes until it finally ended her life. My Uncle is a double amputee due to health complications from diabetes.

When my then husband and I were both diagnosed within months of each other with diabetes, I got busy. He did not. He would not. He, in fact seemed to do everything to go in the opposite direction. He even refused to take medication. After a time, we drifted so far apart as I got in shape and became active (ultimately no longer diabetic) and he continued to sit on the sofa playing video games that we were strangers to each other.

I could not live with the thought of watching him go through what I saw everyone in my family go through.

No matter what, though, I really don't think you can muster up interest out of dust. Possibly counseling?

goblynn

thanks everyone!

trouble I have is that we both go to the grocery store. He buys his food. I buy mine. He cooks his dinner. I cook mine. I know, it sounds weird but I can't imagine eating 3 hamburger patties, 6 slices of cheese, and a pound of onions for dinner.

thanks again.. hopefully in time.

Phoenix59

My husband also needs to lose a significant amount of weight and has resisted joining MFP. In an effort to do what I can, I recently started an account for him (yes, he's aware of it) and log in all the meals I prepare for him. Since I buy the groceries and prepare all the meals, it's been fairly easy. He eats what I cook without complaint, but will occasionally buy himself a snack at work or eat goodies that someone takes in to work. He'll tell me what he ate and I'll add it in (at the highest calories I find).

When I first started changing the way I eat, he was VERY resistant and fussed about what I bought and cooked. He never tried to stop me from going to the gym, though. After a while (and a few arguments), he conceded and started enjoying the meals I prepared. So much, in fact, that he would request certain foods that he previously insisted he didn't like. He also started joining me on my trips to the gym. Slowly, but surely, he's getting there. I know it will be a while before he takes the initiative to log in on his own, but I'm more than willing to do it for him until then. I want my man to be as healthy as he can be, so I'll do what I can.

Jacwhite22

thanks everyone!

trouble I have is that we both go to the grocery store. He buys his food. I buy mine. He cooks his dinner. I cook mine. I know, it sounds weird but I can't imagine eating 3 hamburger patties, 6 slices of cheese, and a pound of onions for dinner.

thanks again.. hopefully in time.

That's a lot of cheese