What to do for my wife?

JGunccRugby

Thanks for all of the support and kind words.

To billsiac, we are archers and hand gun folks, I don't see the stabbing as an issue.
On the topic of the diet pill, I did take them but they actually made me hungry.
Interesting fact, she has been "fit" before, my target goal is my weight in 7th grade if that gives you perspective.
I don't push but if she complains I ask if she is doing X or Y like I am.

Yes I did play rugby I only play once per year now for a fundraiser. I also coached women's rugby while in college. My reasons for not playing now: 2 shoulder surgeries (one 5 weeks ago), 3 knee surgeries, 7 head injuries, lots of bone spurs in the neck and hips.

On a side note, I think some of it comes from family. Her mom has had the surgery and relapsed and shovels junk food to her dad.

I did go over my reasons with her and intent at the beginning.

love4ransom

I went though this a while back with my hubby. Eventually I learned that if I want change in my life I have to make the change, no one can make the change for me. It may take your wife a while to figure this out on her own but she will get there. If she's any thing like me she doesn't want anyone telling her what she should do. Just let her be and eventually she will come around. Lead by example. You two are a team

blwalton70

Just give her time. She has to want to change for her and no one else. What I have noticed with my husband is to not make what you are doing a big deal (even though it is) Don't mention anything about how many calories you saved or burned, or how long you worked out. As sad as this sounds, just relish in the moments privatly how well you are doing and how good you feel. She will come out of what ever rut she is in and will notice you changing with out you saying anything. It will help, believe me!!!:happy:

rugbyphreak

and if you ever do find a way to get your wife on board, let me know. maybe it'll work on my bf...

JGunccRugby

As I see it: if I stayed faithful to her while working as a bouncer in a huge club for 5 yards and god knows I had women throw themselves at me... I am going to be just as faithful if I'm thinner.

MyOwnSunshine

You do you, and let her deal with her own issues.

You have no right to demand that she lose weight or adopt the same lifestyle that you have adopted. You have no right to tell her what she can or can't eat.

As far as sabotaging you by bringing junk into the house, it is her house, too. While you can request that she keep the junk out of sight or in a special place that isn't easily accessible to you, ultimately you control what you put in your mouth.

I eat healthy and exercise. My husband does not. I do find myself trying to sway his views on health once in a while, but he is an adult who can make his own informed choices about his own health and eating habits. He buys junk and brings it home for him and my (normal weight, healthy) daughter to eat on occasion. I just request that he doesn't leave it out on the counter or in a prominent place in the fridge or pantry. Sometimes we eat totally different things for dinner. Would I rather have a bacon cheeseburger on a bun with chips or tots? Yep. Do I choose to eat a turkey burger wrapped in lettuce with some fruit as a side? Yep.

Funny story... I bought a bag of Dove Dark Chocolate Promises with the intention of enjoying a few each night before bedtime if I had leftover calories. Knowing that he would eat the whole bag in one day if I left them out, I hid them in the vegetable drawer of the fridge and he was never the wiser. :-)

Ultimately, unless you are willing to destroy your wife's self-esteem and perhaps your marriage in the process of forcing a diet and exercise regiment upon her, back off and let her be. You will not win if you force the issue. Accept her for who she is now and treat her with love and respect. Hopefully, one day she will see that she, too could lose weight and increase her health and longevity, but until then you need to focus your efforts on yourself.

cmeade20

Make sure you're showing her how much you love her (not that I'm implying that you don't already), muster up as much will power as you can (Although I feel your pain there's a half gallon of chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer I have been grappling with for days), and if she starts complaining she hasn't lost tell her she knows what she has to do to lose weight its up to her to do it.

JGunccRugby

You do you, and let her deal with her own issues.

You have no right to demand that she lose weight or adopt the same lifestyle that you have adopted. You have no right to tell her what she can or can't eat.

As far as sabotaging you by bringing junk into the house, it is her house, too. While you can request that she keep the junk out of sight or in a special place that isn't easily accessible to you, ultimately you control what you put in your mouth.

I eat healthy and exercise. My husband does not. I do find myself trying to sway his views on health once in a while, but he is an adult who can make his own informed choices about his own health and eating habits. He buys junk and brings it home for him and my (normal weight, healthy) daughter to eat on occasion. I just request that he doesn't leave it out on the counter or in a prominent place in the fridge or pantry. Sometimes we eat totally different things for dinner. Would I rather have a bacon cheeseburger on a bun with chips or tots? Yep. Do I choose to eat a turkey burger wrapped in lettuce with some fruit as a side? Yep.

Funny story... I bought a bag of Dove Dark Chocolate Promises with the intention of enjoying a few each night before bedtime if I had leftover calories. Knowing that he would eat the whole bag in one day if I left them out, I hid them in the vegetable drawer of the fridge and he was never the wiser. :-)

Ultimately, unless you are willing to destroy your wife's self-esteem and perhaps your marriage in the process of forcing a diet and exercise regiment upon her, back off and let her be. You will not win if you force the issue. Accept her for who she is now and treat her with love and respect. Hopefully, one day she will see that she, too could lose weight and increase her health and longevity, but until then you need to focus your efforts on yourself.

I'm not forcing it on her, I just want her tone supportive not demotivational. As for the not fussing and pushing, I don't. It's her complaining and objecting that I was seeking guidance on.

juliefrog6

Don't forget that women don't loose weight the same way that men do. A man can eat the same as a woman and loose weight simply because he has more muscle mass. If your wife has been trying to keep up with you and failing, she could be feeling bad about that.

NoAdditives

I had a similar issue with my husband when I first started. Luckily, I'm the one who does the cooking, and therefore, does the grocery shopping. I'm a pretty good cook, so he doesn't miss his processed foods. I do still get some for him, but he mainly eats what I make for him. Ultimately though, he had to come around to the idea of eating healthier all on his own. And thankfully, I have lots of willpower to resist any snacks or treats that may be in the house.

boodly

Remember all the time you spent wishing you were thin before this started to work for you? Then one day it clicked, maybe because you found MFP, I don't know. But what clicks for you, and when it clicks, cannot and will not be the same for her. You should be on this journey together but you are two different people. No one could have made you ready before you were, so please try to be patient. She is making adjustments too. Hang in there.

3foldchord

I am trying to come at this from the viewpoint of a wife- since I have been one for 20 years-- and I think the answer below is pretty right on....

I also think you need to take responsibility for your own will power. It's called life. You're always going to be tempted but you need to show some conviction because that's life. If you can lose 40lbs plus what is remaining, it should show you that anything is achievable when you set your mind to it.

you can't bring her along unless she wants to come so you need to do it for yourself and despite the temptations in the cupboard.

Good luck

I really don't think you should be teling her to not buy snacks. It is not her job to be your will-power. I know/understand you want her hep/support and you want her to have this same succes you are having. But that needs to be her choice. She is more ikely to chose it if you back off a bit.

*and Billsica was kinda 'right-on' but a little more harsh than I'd state it..LOL

findfan4ever

Tonight she started saying she didn't want me too thin and that I am becoming obsessed with exercise and fitness. Mind you I still smoke and have a few beers on the weekend. I feel terrible because she isn't successful but as I see it she has no one but herself to blame and she isn't completely committed though she says she wants to lose.

My friend, there has been a lot of good advise here and some real brutal honest advise. I sense there is something much deeper going on here. Something that isn't you, but something in her past I'm guessing. You can express to her how you feel by using "I statements," such as, "When you [.....], I feel [.....]" Statements like this are not accusatory and may open up lines of communications regarding the issue. Her behaviors and comments are only the symptoms of something deeper in my opinion. One person mentioned counseling ..... that is probably a good idea, if she is open to it.

Her pain is deep rooted and has been there a long while. She has done a good job hiding it and now your desire to become healthier, eat better, and look better has triggered a reaction of fear; something has awaken in her.

I hope, my friend, you can gently get her to open up and/or go to counseling with you. I will be praying for you and her.

coraliethomas

It took me 8 years to realise just how overweight I was... my hubby would go to the mall with me and we would leave with me in tears "because theyre are making clothes waaaaay too small these days".... Instead of being a meanie about it and saying "well, its not the clothes, ur just fat" he would hug me, and rant against the 5 year old asian kids that are making the clothes to small, and then he would say something like "if you are uncomfortable though, only you can decide to do something about it... I love you and will always love you, but seeing you upset makes me sad, and I want you to be happy".

I am truly lucky, he has supported me everystep of the way, has congratulated me on every ounce that I have lost. My point is, I had to decide that it wasn't JC Penneys making small clothes, it was me making my butt big. And Im sure everytime I left the store crying he would think to himself "here we go again, crying because she is fat", but he NEVER let on that he might be thinking that... Give her some time, and she might come around.

nikkiprickett

Yeah totally understand where you're coming from, I was in great shape when I met my husband then we got married and that's when I noticed I had gained the weight, I tried SOOO many times to eat healthy and he just wasn't along for the ride...eventually I said this is ridiculous, I'm not going to end up not being able to move when I'm older, unhealthy and setting bad examples for our future children...he began with me...she needs to understand that you're doing this for your health and denying you of your health because of her insecurities or lack of drive for this is unacceptable. you need to talk to her about this and think about getting help with this topic with both of you there.

Pebble321

I suspect that she is feeling bad because you have lost weight and she hasn't.

You may be saying something that seems supportive in your head like
- "I found the weight loss clinic really helped me, why don't you come along and they can help you too?"
but I'd take a guess that what she is hearing sounds something like this:
- "oh my god, you are a fat, unattractive failure and I'm so great because I've lost weight. Why don't you get off your big behind and stop eating candy and I'll show you how you can be as good as me".

Of course, I could be wrong, but that is my guess as to what is going on. It's not necessarily rational, but that's how our minds can work.

I suggest that you don't talk discuss it. Don't talk to her about what she buys or eats, don't make it all about you.
If she wants snacks in the house, it's her right and you have to learn to deal with it, that's part of changing long term habits.
Lead by example by eating well and exercising, invite her to join you doing something fun, but don't make a big deal of it, don't make it all about having to lose weight.

Good luck!

Rayman79

This situation sounds very similar to my own.

In my case, my wife is insecure about her weight, and keeps making comments about it - almost apologising at times for not getting slimmer with me. Questions like 'are you going to leave me when you're all buff' were not uncommon either.

In the beginning I am sure there were subtle attempts to derail my progress - buying snacks she knew were my weakness, making plans that cut into my allocated gym time etc. I know none of this was done with malice though, and she may not have even been consciously doing it. It has since stopped, now that it is very clear it will not impede my progress.

The unfortunate thing is that human beings are complex emotional creatures (women especially ), and we often don't understand why we behave the way we do. We have different emotional drivers, different backgrounds and upbringings etc. We have to respect each person for who they are, and be sure that there is always more support and than judgement.

In my case, I understand that she will take longer to make the changes, and I will do my best to support her in the mean time. If she never makes the changes needed, we then I'll (reluctantly) support that too. Why? Because she's my wife, the mother of my children, and I love and support her unconditionally.

3foldchord

THIS --->>>>

this is what I would be hearing in my head if my husband was even omplyimg I join his fitness 'craze'

I suspect that she is feeling bad because you have lost weight and she hasn't.

You may be saying something that seems supportive in your head like
- "I found the weight loss clinic really helped me, why don't you come along and they can help you too?"
but I'd take a guess that what she is hearing sounds something like this:
- "oh my god, you are a fat, unattractive failure and I'm so great because I've lost weight. Why don't you get off your big behind and stop eating candy and I'll show you how you can be as good as me".


I suggest that you don't talk discuss it. Don't talk to her about what she buys or eats, don't make it all about you.
If she wants snacks in the house, it's her right and you have to learn to deal with it, that's part of changing long term habits.
Lead by example by eating well and exercising, invite her to join you doing something fun, but don't make a big deal of it, don't make it all about having to lose weight.

Good luck!

I don't discuss anything with my husband, I sees me eat/exercise- but I keep it to me, as I know he's not ready (He still lames his 'skinny-fat' bey on gravity pulling all his organs down to the lower belly...LOL)

I do invite him on walks- and it is a 'together time' thing- not a 'workout' (but I still log it!!)

3foldchord

In the beginning there were subtle attempts to derail my progress - buying snacks she knew were my weakness, making plans that cut into my allocated gym time etc. I know none of this was done with malice though, and stopped after she saw it was not going to impede my progress.

As a wife/woman- I see this as "My husband is suddenly giving his time to other stuff- he's out of the house more, not enjoy a snack together with me".. I would view that behavior as trying to get time back. (ladies are often 'spend time with me' creature)

Rayman79

In the beginning there were subtle attempts to derail my progress - buying snacks she knew were my weakness, making plans that cut into my allocated gym time etc. I know none of this was done with malice though, and stopped after she saw it was not going to impede my progress.

As a wife/woman- I see this as "My husband is suddenly giving his time to other stuff- he's out of the house more, not enjoy a snack together with me".. I would view that behavior as trying to get time back. (ladies are often 'spend time with me' creature)

I agree, and as hard as it is to understand the female brain I get the insecurities that exist (and given some past issues that add to this context for her). This is why I make the time to do strange things like sitting with her to watch a stupid show on TV instead of doing something more useful - just so we can have a little 'we' time. :bigsmile: .

It is all about give and take, and realising that me needing to take regular time to go to the gym etc is a 'take' purely for me - so something has to be given back to balance the universe.