Help - my father isn't well and wouldn't admit it

00Melyanna00

Hi,

I need your advice and help here.
My dad is a smoker that only eats meat, has high blood pressure and doesn't do any physical activity at all. He only drinks wine or soft drinks.
He is 58 and he used to do a very heavy job (in terms of physical efforts) so he now says that since he's retired, he wants to relax.
He wouldn't hear any reason.
If we tell him he should at least take a walk every day, he says he has worked all his life and now he wants to rest.
If we tell him he should drink more water or eat better he says it's his life, he is allowed to live it the way he wants.
Same thing if we tell him to go see a doctor or try to quit smoking.

I am very worried for him now, not only because he is at risk due to his age and life syle, but also because lately he seems very tired, sweats for nothing and falls asleep in the middle of the day.

If I say anything to him, he'll just tell me to shut the f up and won't talk to me for days.

I understand the whole "it's my life, we only live once, let me spend my time the way I want" deal, but I love him and I am very worried for him.
I want my parents to have a long, healthy life, not to die young or spend their later years in an hospital bed.

What should I do?

mdmccowan

My dad was kinda the same way and the way I fixed the problem was crying and telling him that I wanted him to be at my graduation

cait0902

Unfortunately, there really isn't a whole lot you can do. Let him know that you love him, you're worried about him, and you just want to make sure that he is around for a long time, for graduations like mdmccowan brought up, wedding, babies, etc. But other than that, he needs to do it on his own. He has to want it for himself.

cobracars

What part about "its my life and I should live it the way I want" don't you understand?

It really IS his life....not yours...its not always gotta be about you, sometimes the earth decides to rotate on its own axis instead of revolving around you.

But go ahead, keep pushing him, until he shuts down completely and shuts you out of his life completely, then after several years of the two of you not having a relationship at all, at his funeral you can dance and say "I told you so!"

My sister and I were estranged from my father for almost 20 years after our mom died. He remarried and the new wife didn't want him to have anything to do with his family. THANK GOD she got lung cancer from smoking and she died in 2007. I was able to go to Florida and help my dad have an estate sale and sell his house. Now he lives with my wife and me and we have a great relationship. He smoked for 55 years and my sister ragged on him whenever she could about it. Guess what kind of a relationship they have?
For the past 5 years he has COPD/emphysema and has gone from 180 pounds and doing yardwork down to 128 pounds and can barely get from his bed to the bathroom. He's on oxygen and uses a walker. I cook for him 3 times a day and I get him to all his dr appointments. He already knows what a mess he made of his health by smoking, he doesn't need me to rag on him or remind him. At this point in his life I just want to make him as comfortable as possible.

Whatever you say to your dad won't change him, it will only change the relationship you have with him. Choose to enjoy your time together or choose to be 'right' and risk having no relationship at all.

nalfavi

You can't change people who aren't ready to change, and pushing them just makes them hate you. Let him live his life. He sounds like he's had a hard one already, so let him relax. Do you cook dinners for him? If so, cook healthier things, but also keep some things that he likes. If not, then, it is HIS LIFE. Let him live it the way he wants. Yes, it might be hard for you to watch, but in the end, that's not what matters. What matters is that HE'S happy, and if living the way he does makes him content, let him be.

juliecat1

Yea, sorry. All you can do is be a good example of health and fitness. It IS his life and he is free to live it as he wishes
Harping on him will likely have the opposite effect. So just be gentle. Let him know he means the world to you and you'd like him to be around. Call him to see if he wants to go shoot baskets or take a stroll.
The rest is up to him.

cait0902

What part about "its my life and I should live it the way I want" don't you understand?

It really IS his life....not yours...its not always gotta be about you, sometimes the earth decides to rotate on its own axis instead of revolving around you.

But go ahead, keep pushing him, until he shuts down completely and shuts you out of his life completely, then after several years of the two of you not having a relationship at all, at his funeral you can dance and say "I told you so!"

My sister and I were estranged from my father for almost 20 years after our mom died. He remarried and the new wife didn't want him to have anything to do with his family. THANK GOD she got lung cancer from smoking and she died in 2007. I was able to go to Florida and help my dad have an estate sale and sell his house. Now he lives with my wife and me and we have a great relationship. He smoked for 55 years and my sister ragged on him whenever she could about it. Guess what kind of a relationship they have?
For the past 5 years he has COPD/emphysema and has gone from 180 pounds and doing yardwork down to 128 pounds and can barely get from his bed to the bathroom. He's on oxygen and uses a walker. I cook for him 3 times a day and I get him to all his dr appointments. He already knows what a mess he made of his health by smoking, he doesn't need me to rag on him or remind him. At this point in his life I just want to make him as comfortable as possible.

Whatever you say to your dad won't change him, it will only change the relationship you have with him. Choose to enjoy your time together or choose to be 'right' and risk having no relationship at all.

I don't know if you realize this, but your post comes of kind of *kitten*-ish. I understand your point, and somewhat agree with you, but I don't know that it was necessary to be such a jerk about it. She just wants to help her father...

JeaninePaige

I don't know if you realize this, but your post comes of kind of *kitten*-ish. I understand your point, and somewhat agree with you, but I don't know that it was necessary to be such a jerk about it. She just wants to help her father...

I completely agree.

McKayMachina

What part about "its my life and I should live it the way I want" don't you understand?

It really IS his life....not yours...its not always gotta be about you, sometimes the earth decides to rotate on its own axis instead of revolving around you.

But go ahead, keep pushing him, until he shuts down completely and shuts you out of his life completely, then after several years of the two of you not having a relationship at all, at his funeral you can dance and say "I told you so!"

My sister and I were estranged from my father for almost 20 years after our mom died. He remarried and the new wife didn't want him to have anything to do with his family. THANK GOD she got lung cancer from smoking and she died in 2007. I was able to go to Florida and help my dad have an estate sale and sell his house. Now he lives with my wife and me and we have a great relationship. He smoked for 55 years and my sister ragged on him whenever she could about it. Guess what kind of a relationship they have?
For the past 5 years he has COPD/emphysema and has gone from 180 pounds and doing yardwork down to 128 pounds and can barely get from his bed to the bathroom. He's on oxygen and uses a walker. I cook for him 3 times a day and I get him to all his dr appointments. He already knows what a mess he made of his health by smoking, he doesn't need me to rag on him or remind him. At this point in his life I just want to make him as comfortable as possible.

Whatever you say to your dad won't change him, it will only change the relationship you have with him. Choose to enjoy your time together or choose to be 'right' and risk having no relationship at all.

I don't know if you realize this, but your post comes of kind of *kitten*-ish. I understand your point, and somewhat agree with you, but I don't know that it was necessary to be such a jerk about it. She just wants to help her father...

So? He is 100% correct. Suck it up.

cobracars

I don't know if you realize this, but your post comes of kind of *kitten*-ish. I understand your point, and somewhat agree with you, but I don't know that it was necessary to be such a jerk about it. She just wants to help her father...

I completely agree.

That makes sense because I felt like an a-hole when I wrote it. Having experienced this situation in my family it kinda struck a raw nerve.
But what I said was the truth...if she keeps pushing him she will only push him away.

cait0902

What part about "its my life and I should live it the way I want" don't you understand?

It really IS his life....not yours...its not always gotta be about you, sometimes the earth decides to rotate on its own axis instead of revolving around you.

But go ahead, keep pushing him, until he shuts down completely and shuts you out of his life completely, then after several years of the two of you not having a relationship at all, at his funeral you can dance and say "I told you so!"

My sister and I were estranged from my father for almost 20 years after our mom died. He remarried and the new wife didn't want him to have anything to do with his family. THANK GOD she got lung cancer from smoking and she died in 2007. I was able to go to Florida and help my dad have an estate sale and sell his house. Now he lives with my wife and me and we have a great relationship. He smoked for 55 years and my sister ragged on him whenever she could about it. Guess what kind of a relationship they have?
For the past 5 years he has COPD/emphysema and has gone from 180 pounds and doing yardwork down to 128 pounds and can barely get from his bed to the bathroom. He's on oxygen and uses a walker. I cook for him 3 times a day and I get him to all his dr appointments. He already knows what a mess he made of his health by smoking, he doesn't need me to rag on him or remind him. At this point in his life I just want to make him as comfortable as possible.

Whatever you say to your dad won't change him, it will only change the relationship you have with him. Choose to enjoy your time together or choose to be 'right' and risk having no relationship at all.

I don't know if you realize this, but your post comes of kind of *kitten*-ish. I understand your point, and somewhat agree with you, but I don't know that it was necessary to be such a jerk about it. She just wants to help her father...

So? He is 100% correct. Suck it up.

Wow, thank you so much for your constructive input into this conversation.

cait0902

I don't know if you realize this, but your post comes of kind of *kitten*-ish. I understand your point, and somewhat agree with you, but I don't know that it was necessary to be such a jerk about it. She just wants to help her father...

I completely agree.

That makes sense because I felt like an a-hole when I wrote it. Having experienced this situation in my family it kinda struck a raw nerve.
But what I said was the truth...if she keeps pushing him she will only push him away.

Understandable, but people are going to be a lot more receptive to your perspective and opinons if you're more respectful and less of an *kitten*

JeaninePaige

That makes sense because I felt like an a-hole when I wrote it. Having experienced this situation in my family it kinda struck a raw nerve.
But what I said was the truth...if she keeps pushing him she will only push him away.

Yeah, I hear ya. It's a really sucky situation.
But I see where she's coming from because I feel the same way about my Dad.
And nobody wants to think about their father dying especially if they somehow think something they can do can help, ya know?

But yes, the truth is there's nothing you can really do.
Don't lay into him about it because like cobracars said, it's going to push him away and get him annoyed.

Maybe offer to cook dinner a night of the week and see if he likes it?
Don't go all health crazy on him though. :P Don't even acknowledge that it's a healthier choice.

Or maybe invite him to do something active and fun with you?
Again, just make it like father daughter time. Not like, "Dad let's go work out."

cobracars

I don't know if you realize this, but your post comes of kind of *kitten*-ish. I understand your point, and somewhat agree with you, but I don't know that it was necessary to be such a jerk about it. She just wants to help her father...

I completely agree.

That makes sense because I felt like an a-hole when I wrote it. Having experienced this situation in my family it kinda struck a raw nerve.
But what I said was the truth...if she keeps pushing him she will only push him away.

Understandable, but people are going to be a lot more receptive to your perspective and opinons if you're more respectful and less of an *kitten*

Agreed
I have a feeling she will be much like her father who won't take her advice, and she won't listen to the well-spoken advice you posted earlier nor my ill-conceived rant either.

McKayMachina

Anytime, kiddo. :bigsmile:

Kathy53925

What part about "its my life and I should live it the way I want" don't you understand?

It really IS his life....not yours...its not always gotta be about you, sometimes the earth decides to rotate on its own axis instead of revolving around you.

But go ahead, keep pushing him, until he shuts down completely and shuts you out of his life completely, then after several years of the two of you not having a relationship at all, at his funeral you can dance and say "I told you so!"

My sister and I were estranged from my father for almost 20 years after our mom died. He remarried and the new wife didn't want him to have anything to do with his family. THANK GOD she got lung cancer from smoking and she died in 2007. I was able to go to Florida and help my dad have an estate sale and sell his house. Now he lives with my wife and me and we have a great relationship. He smoked for 55 years and my sister ragged on him whenever she could about it. Guess what kind of a relationship they have?
For the past 5 years he has COPD/emphysema and has gone from 180 pounds and doing yardwork down to 128 pounds and can barely get from his bed to the bathroom. He's on oxygen and uses a walker. I cook for him 3 times a day and I get him to all his dr appointments. He already knows what a mess he made of his health by smoking, he doesn't need me to rag on him or remind him. At this point in his life I just want to make him as comfortable as possible.

Whatever you say to your dad won't change him, it will only change the relationship you have with him. Choose to enjoy your time together or choose to be 'right' and risk having no relationship at all.

^^ THIS^^

I know you love him and you are afraid for him..but he is RIGHT! What you need to do is let him know you are just worried about his health because you love him. This is the only way a VERY stubborn grown person is gonna do anything about it. How do I know? I'mm 55 and my husband is 60. I quit smoking 6 yrs ago and he won't quit. Nothing I can do.

glovepuppet

you're not the boss of him.

that he's your father doesn't give you the right or the ability to change that.

sorry, it's not what you want to hear, but you've just got to suck it up.

Jezebel9

If you have kids, or even if you don't- adopt another father. Tell your dad you want another father figure around so it won't hurt so much when he finally manages to do himself in. Go to a baseball game with this other dad. Any healthy, kind man around your dad's age will do. Yes, right- you can't control him, but you can control you. Manipulative? yes. But it might work to inspire him to get up off the sofa... fight for his 'territory' so to speak.
Other than that, work on accepting that people you love are not going to do what you'd like them to do, regardless of how much sense it makes.
good luck

HiKaren

My dad was very suborn too. He had a heart attack. When he was in the hospital, we threw away his cigarettes. After we brought him home, he wasn't happy about that. My sister had left to run errands, and I was there doing his dishes. He came downstairs and asked me... "Please go to the store for me Karen... Get me cigarettes, jelly beans, licorice (hes also diabetic, loves his sugaree foods) He would pour sugar packets in his mouth sometimes. So I said, "wait Dad. Can't you see Im doing your dishes? Maybe I'll go for you when Im done with your dishes. And he said, "Your sister is going to be back really soon, I have to get them quick like now before she gets back and catches me... He freakin got himself dressed, and got into his pickup, and drove away waving " bye bye Karen... Im going to get my cigarettes and candy." :frown: I was soooo pissed. Right after having a heart attack. We couldn't stop him... But I tell you girl... If he was still here. I would be fighting him all the way, an yelling at him left and right. To him, if you yelled a little, that means you care about him. He was really old world armenian in his ways. He didn't take care of himself. So he really needed help. I tried to help him all the time. I loved him. I was the kid who always took him to the armenian picnics on fathers day. My sister always worked, and my brother didn't come to town. I was the chosen one to go to the picnics. Besides, I did the belly dancing, and liked to go anyway because of the music.

Geeez i went off the subject. So yeah, maybe you should interject just a bit. Sometimes Dads need their daughters to help em. Even if its tough love. You don't have to yell too loud like me! Haaah. Cause once their gone, you can't get em back. And then you end up blabbing about them on the internet. Missing him. Thats what can happen.

00Melyanna00

"Agreed
I have a feeling she will be much like her father who won't take her advice, and she won't listen to the well-spoken advice you posted earlier nor my ill-conceived rant either."

Really?!? That's a lot of assumptions for somebody that doesn't know me.

Anyway, thank you guys for your help and examples.
And yes, I perfectly understand that it's his life and he can live ithow he wants, but if the gets a stroke or heart attack and ends up on a wheel chair, hospital bed, or dead, it's going to be MY LIFE tending to him and thinking I could have done more, so I want at least to try and talk to him and let him know he's going to hurt me.
I am not talking about forcing him to take a decision or anything, but if you love a person and see that he she is making an obvious mistake that could cost her his life, will you just sit down and think "whatever, it's his life" and let it go?

Cooking for him is not an option, he only eats a few things and is very picky on those, too. My mom does the cooking amnd she tries to sneak heatlht stuff in his meals, but if you put salad in his plate, for example, he will just not eat it!

cobracars

No, its not a lot of assumptions. Only one. The assumption that neither of you will take advice from others.

My assumption being that Dad won't take your advice. Along with the assumption you won't take the advice of the strangers on the internet who you choose to seek advice from.

I'm cynical, jaded, and as pointed out a few posts above, can be a bit of an *kitten* at times. For that I apologize to you and I truly wish happiness for you in your relationship with your father. You're in a tough spot for sure. Good luck.

rukus1

Cobracars, you've walked through it and I feel like it is good advice..

Nagging is not going to help. Tell your mom to continue putting a small salad on his plate or a small helping of vegetable. Who knows, one day he may just decide to try it..but you have to be quite about it and just observe out of the corner of your eye. I also think a heart to heart is due. Start with Dad Iove and I am concerned blah blah blah at the end promise not to nag................There, I've put in my two cents worth. Best Wishes to you and your family.

00Melyanna00

I have a friend who is a doctor and I used him as an excuse: I said to my father that I mentioned to my friend how my dad sometimes feels hot in the neck area. I told my dad that my doctor friend said he needs to change the p wait ills he takes for blood pressure and that he suggested some exams that he needs to do to make sure the pills are the right ones.
My dad said "OK; but not right now, I'll think about it after the new house is ready - which should happen in September.
I'll just wait for him to be in the new house and then mention the exams again. I'll offer to go with him and take an appointment at the same time (I need a whole check up to subscribe to a gym-swimming pool).
This is not going to change his life style, but at least he'll get tested and we can make sure he's OK. Maybe the cardiologist will also kick him in the *kitten* a little and push him to change his lifestyle for the better.
(Me being very optimistic here. I don't think that anybody in the world, both live or as a ghost, would make him change his lifestyle).

ninerbuff

Can't help those that don't want it.

A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition