Are Manners a Thing of the Past?

BeetleChe13

*Deleted bc OP posted what I was going to

issyfit

Hey Steffie--let me know when your pears are ripe I'll come pick some but will ask first. Any chance your neighbors were raised in a different culture where that is acceptable behaviour? We live next door to a mountain bike park and get people cutting through our property sometimes, and even parking in our pasture. If I see them I always remind them that this is private property and to please use the park entrance next time.

Pepper2185

I think you should say something to them (they are definitely crossing neighbourly boundaries).

Something along the lines of "I've noticed that you are interested in the fruit from my trees. When I pick it, I'll definitely bring some over to you"

When you pick it, send them over a bag. It might keep them from coming over and harvesting themselves.

SteffieMark

Liz, I would be happy for you to come take all you like when they are ready. And yes, they were definitely raised in a different culture.

christine24t

I think the poster I wanted to quote got deleted, but I will say what she said, that is about PRIVATE property.

I think the idea posted about picking a bag and bringing them over is great. I agree that I don't want people in my yard, especially people I'm clearly not friendly with.

But if they hop your fence to get at your cherries, that is terrible. No excuse for that.

dfair1967

Politely ask them why they are just going into your yard and ask them not to without asking permission.Better you then me because I would told them to get the hell out of my yard and stay out or I would physically remove them next time. What i wrong with these rude people.

meshashesha2012

wow yeah that's rude. we had fruits trees in our backyard and sometimes neighbors would try and sneak and get some. you know what my mom did? turned the hose on and sprayed them with water.. same as she did with the rabbits who tried to eat her flowers. she trid telling them to ask first but when they wouldnt comply, they got treated like any of the other wild animals caught digging up her garden. after getting sprayed mercilessly they never returned :laugh:

it's one thing to ask but it's another to just come over and take. i'd hose them down and remind them that you dont live on a freaking commune. of course my mom's reaction was that it has nothing to do with the fruit, but qui vole un oeuf, vole un boeuf (translation someone who'd steal an egg would also steal a cow). so people helping themselves to your fruit can very easily end up with then helping themselves to anything else you leave outside.


so yeah, hose them down. even if they do have their baby with them :laugh:

SaraHaxton1

Next time call the police. because who knows the next time they could be in your house.

weevil66

If it were me then ai would ptobably have a chat withbthem and ask them to let you know when they wanted to pick sone fruit etc. They may not realize that they aee being rude.

meeka472

I had a next door neighbor that did something similar when I lived in Oklahoma. Except my neighbor picked the figs off my tree and then came and knocked on my door with a bag full of them (eating them by the way) to complain about another tree that did not extend to their property. Like you, I didn't know what to say to them.

SaraHaxton1

The reason I say call the cops, is because that is what the police have told our HOA to do if someone come on your property on a regular basis and takes thing or damages thing on the property. If they improperly prune the trees they could kill them. Or if they get hurt picking or pruning or doing God knows what they could sue. And trust me people love to sue. Or worst they could be testing to see how far they can push you, and maybe break into your backyard or shed or house one day.

Cait_Sidhe

Since you've never given any indication that you object, perhaps you should talk to them before just calling the police. Seems like proper etiquette to me.

moopity

It's beyond "rude" -- they are trespassing, which means they are breaking the law. Call the cops next time you hear them, and then you won't have to say a thing TO the trespassers themselves.

slkehl

Weird. Especially the pruning part. This does not sound like normal behavior to me.

auntiebabs

1)
Do you have a husband or kids who could have given permission to them and forgotten to tell you. (If the kids have heard you say "sure, come on over anytime" to those who have asked they might have repeated this with out thinking twice and then forgotten to mention it to you"

2)
You mentioned a fence...
Do you know anyone with a dog?
Next time the pears are ripe.
You could be "dog-sitting"
Let your friend's/sister's/co-worker's Rottweiler/doberman/german shepard have run of the yard.

3)
Okay, maybe this should be swapped out with No. 2

If you find them in your yard with out permission again, invite them for a beer or a cold drink and get to know them.
a) They did sound a little stand offish, and the social interaction could be more than they are willing to put up with for a few pears.
or
b) they could just be a bit socially awkward and you could get to know them and turn into friends.

4)
Sometimes in the effort to be "polite" we are not direct. And then we stew and until we are bent out off shape and our next interaction is snippy and then things snow ball. I bet they are just clueless and don't have bad intentions.

You know I don't really know you all that well and I would appreciate a knock on the door if you would like to pick some pears.


5) You should be direct as you can about this one. "I really can't have you pruning anything on our property, for insurance reasons, you understand"

SteffieMark

1)
Do you have a husband or kids who could have given permission to them and forgotten to tell you. (If the kids have heard you say "sure, come on over anytime" to those who have asked they might have repeated this with out thinking twice and then forgotten to mention it to you"

2)
You mentioned a fence...
Do you know anyone with a dog?
Next time the pears are ripe.
You could be "dog-sitting"
Let your friend's/sister's/co-worker's Rottweiler/doberman/german shepard have run of the yard.

3)
Okay, maybe this should be swapped out with No. 2

If you find them in your yard with out permission again, invite them for a beer or a cold drink and get to know them.
a) They did sound a little stand offish, and the social interaction could be more than they are willing to put up with for a few pears.
or
b) they could just be a bit socially awkward and you could get to know them and turn into friends.

4)
Sometimes in the effort to be "polite" we are not direct. And then we stew and until we are bent out off shape and our next interaction is snippy and then things snow ball. I bet they are just clueless and don't have bad intentions.

You know I don't really know you all that well and I would appreciate a knock on the door if you would like to pick some pears.

1) No. I texted my husband and asked him. My son was as weirded out as I was when I told him. He is 20.

2) There is no fence there...YET!

3) I don't really want to be best buddies with them and don't really think we would have anything in common anyway. I just want to be asked before they are hanging in my yard.

4) I really do not think they are doing it maliciously. I am leaning toward they don't know it's not really acceptable. They are of a different culture than I am and I do not know how they think.

My husband just got home and agrees it is unacceptable and he will speak with them politely and just ask that they let us know they like to be in the yard. He'll let them know they are welcome to get pears and please leave the trimmimg/pruning to us.

imkegoal

In our individualistic society, yes it is odd that they feel freely compelled to do so.

But I believe we should be living more communally so I don't see it as a bad thing. If it were my tree I would be open to anyone taking from it, especially to feed their children.

In a society where we have these strong ideas of ownership and property (ideas not shared in other parts of the world mind you) I can understand why it would make you uncomfortable. However, they are not harming you or anyone else, they are using resources you aren't using all of, and they are even trying to care for your tree (perhaps poorly). Your feelings are just of violation based on this idea of private property. So I would encourage you to have a generous heart and allow them to continue. Or at the very least have a discussion with them. I certainly would not cut down trees over this.

I think you are missng the point. I don't think she ever suggested chopping the trees down, or even calling the cops (although others have) she justw ant people to be polite.

Steffie, I agree they should ask permission of you first, but I also think you set an example when you allowed them to carry on first time around. THey must have then decided that you must not have a problem with it, as you didn't challange them, and like kids, they are now pushing their boundaries to see how far they can go before you had enough of it. I think that nexttime there will be no harm in saying: guys, I am not suer if you are aware that this is my garden. I am happy for you to take fruit from my trees, but please ask my permission every time you take fruit first. The last time you did this the pears weren't ready to be pruned yet, which I could have told you if you asked first.'

If you don't feel comfortable challanging them in this polite way, definitely ask your husband or son to do so.

imkegoal

ps: not sure about the US rules, but in the UK people can't be done for trespassing unless there is a clear boundary line, such as a fence. Also; the police can't do anything other than ask people to move on if there is no defined boundary as they are on private property, not on the highway.

I used to know someone who had problems with people drinking and taking drugs behind his property. The police was powerless as the drinkers were on private property (not HIghway) and there was no defined boundary (so not classed as trespassing). In the end the man fitted a gate and the problem stopped.

Pebble321

My husband just got home and agrees it is unacceptable and he will speak with them politely and just ask that they let us know they like to be in the yard. He'll let them know they are welcome to get pears and please leave the trimmimg/pruning to us.

Perfect. I hope this resolves it for you!

Hayter2013

I think you should have said something from the start of all this instead of just turning back into the house and letting them get on with it

Just go round and ask them nicely, you know, "Can you please let me know in future when you're going to be picking fruit off my trees as its my house!!"

If they have a problem with this, then just start going in their yard and see whether they like it or not!
(I'm not talking about the scene in Me, Myself and Irene here, where Jim Carrey takes a dump in the neighbours yard coz the neighbour lets his dog do it all over Jims charactors yard!) :laugh:

If you don't use the fruit, perhaps you could still pick it off and take some round and charge them for it!
Asking about your other things in the garden is taking it a bit much, after all, they don't go stealing from the supermarket do they!

Failing that, if you don't want them to use the tree and if you don't use it, have the thing cut down!!
Good luck!

JuneBPrice

How obvious is it that it's your yard? I know it's a long shot, but perhaps they honestly didn't realize that wasn't either closer to their house and therefore on their property, or maybe they thought it was like a community tree...?

xLexa

I wonder if the old neighbours mentioned it to them and said you did not mind? It still doesn't excuse their lack of manners but it might be a reason why they just feel they can do it and it is acceptable. I hope your hubby can resolve it for you all

SteffieMark

I agree that I probably should have said something and not walked away. I was dumbfounded and really just felt weird. And there were 4 of them, they had brought two friends with them. I had never seen their guests before. I walked in to get my son and they had left when I returned to the window, not more than a minute or two later.

Yes the trees are clearly in our yard, directly in front of our home. The house they live in sat vacant for almost a year before they moved in. I will definitely be extending the fence from the back yard, to include the front yard. They can come ask me to open the gate when they want fruit, after that.

SurfinBird1981

How rude!
I'd either threaten them with the police for trespassing or give them a mouthful :laugh:
Hope you resolve the issue :flowerforyou:

sgv0918

I'd say get the hell out of my yard. They should have been polite but since they can't or won't. Forget them.

Kyrosh

Uhm.... Tell them to get the h**l out of your garden or you are gonna call the police for trespassing and stealing!!

kristen807

I would put a nice, large NO TRESPASSING sign right in front of the tree.

Fatal1ty2k5

That would piss me right the fck off. I would not mind if someone knocked and asked to pick a few. Coming over with buckets and just taking is a whole nother story.

Just yell at em to get the hell off your property.

SteffieMark

Thank you all for the support. I thought maybe I was being petty. I grew up in the country, on acreage and away from neighbors. I live in an actual neighborhood now, with streets and houses close by. I'm glad this isn't the norm. The fence will go up, I have a lot of landscaping I'd like to do in my yard and a nice fence will be a lovely backdrop. :flowerforyou:

TheRoadDog

I would have wore out three pairs of knee caps kicking their a ss.