I think I have excessive guilt?

MooMooooo

Last night I attended a bookclub meeting, it was my first time there.

I did not have a good time!

I felt a bit lost in the crowd and had trouble getting a word in, then when I finally managed it I felt that my opinion wasn't respected.

So yeah, not fun.

So now I want to quit, I would have already done so if I didn't feel so guilty.

You see, I know one of the organisers and she is really nice and I like her a lot. I don't want to offend her.

I know most people will just say 'just quit and give her some reason' which is excellent advice - but I have this excessive guilt (not sure where it comes from) that makes things like this harder than it should be.

Anyone suffer from excessive guilt? Or managed to overcome it? It really sucks and I'm tired of it.

juliecat1

I'll give a different opinion. Do it again!
Things tend to feel awkward at first. You can't and won't click with everyone immediately. So try again. And if you get the same result... Then quit. You won't feel guilty because at least you tried

EndlessSacrifice

I don't have excessive guilt, but I could give you some advice. Think of it this way, you only live once. Why waste your time attending a bookclub meeting that you don't want to continue going to? That's an hour out of your life that you could be doing something you enjoy. You should try not to worry about others' feelings so much. It's your life.

xHelloQuincyx

i have to remind myself that my purpose in life is not to make everyone else happy, i have to make me happy first. i am not a door matt designed to think of others before myself 24/7. this is not my fault, i am human. also you are an adult, you can decide you dont like that book club, and you dont have to give any other reason to 'get out'.

juliecat1

I feel i should amend mine a tad bit!

If you were going because book club was your idea and something you thought you'd enjoy - try again.
If you're going because your friend organized it and you have no interest - dont!

tripitena

Guilt is probably my most debilitating problem.

I feel guilt if I am unable to stop & pick up a stray dog on the road. I know they will die and I should have stopped, even if I was late for work, even if traffic was too dangerous even for me, I should have stopped....

Guilt for the dogs I DO stop for because I know they will never leave the pound once I drop them off. I've brought home so many my husband says I 'll have to start an affair with the Purina dealer if I bring one more....

Guilt for everything I EVER did wrong as a parent, my kids are all long grown and these things still bother me.....

Guilt for not having my elderly father living with me instead of a care facility, even though Im not physically able to care for him anymore...

Guilt for not doing something to stop certain members of my extended family from smashing themselves into a wall of self destruction...


I lay awake at night going over days,.weeks, months of my life that I didnt do something I should have or did something I shouldnt have.

It goes on. Im using cognitve behavior therapy and its helping some. You know " Is there something I can do about this right now?" If yes, then what? If not, how can I manage my worry? Exercise? Bubble bath? Ritual? Read? Talk about it?.

ComicBookGeekGirl

Last night I attended a bookclub meeting, it was my first time there.

I did not have a good time!

I felt a bit lost in the crowd and had trouble getting a word in, then when I finally managed it I felt that my opinion wasn't respected.

So yeah, not fun.

So now I want to quit, I would have already done so if I didn't feel so guilty.

You see, I know one of the organisers and she is really nice and I like her a lot. I don't want to offend her.

I know most people will just say 'just quit and give her some reason' which is excellent advice - but I have this excessive guilt (not sure where it comes from) that makes things like this harder than it should be.

Anyone suffer from excessive guilt? Or managed to overcome it? It really sucks and I'm tired of it.

I suffer from exessive guilt too and the only way I can combat those feelings and not get stuck doing stuff I don't want to do, is to do a bait and switch. I give the activity a try, be honest and than offer to do something else with them. "Oh sorry. Book club isn't really my thing, but hey, can we have coffee or meet for lunch/dinner sometime this week to hang out?"

That way you get to hang out with her and not want to blow your brains out.

MooMooooo

Guilt is probably my most debilitating problem.

I feel guilt if I am unable to stop & pick up a stray dog on the road. I know they will die and I should have stopped, even if I was late for work, even if traffic was too dangerous even for me, I should have stopped....

Guilt for the dogs I DO stop for because I know they will never leave the pound once I drop them off. I've brought home so many my husband says I 'll have to start an affair with the Purina dealer if I bring one more....

Guilt for everything I EVER did wrong as a parent, my kids are all long grown and these things still bother me.....

Guilt for not having my elderly father living with me instead of a care facility, even though Im not physically able to care for him anymore...

Guilt for not doing something to stop certain members of my extended family from smashing themselves into a wall of self destruction...


I lay awake at night going over days,.weeks, months of my life that I didnt do something I should have or did something I shouldnt have.

It goes on. Im using cognitve behavior therapy and its helping some. You know " Is there something I can do about this right now?" If yes, then what? If not, how can I manage my worry? Exercise? Bubble bath? Ritual? Read? Talk about it?.

Thank you for posting this.

I also feel guilty when I see dogs roaming and I don't stop.

I feel guilty about having personalised plates on my car (I confided this to my husband but he thought I was being an idiot)

I feel guilty about living in a nice house too.

Plus about a million other things...

Guilt, guilt, guilt - it's making me miserable.

I need to figure out a cure for it.

gogojodee

Guilt is probably my most debilitating problem.

I feel guilt if I am unable to stop & pick up a stray dog on the road. I know they will die and I should have stopped, even if I was late for work, even if traffic was too dangerous even for me, I should have stopped....

Guilt for the dogs I DO stop for because I know they will never leave the pound once I drop them off. I've brought home so many my husband says I 'll have to start an affair with the Purina dealer if I bring one more....

Guilt for everything I EVER did wrong as a parent, my kids are all long grown and these things still bother me.....

Guilt for not having my elderly father living with me instead of a care facility, even though Im not physically able to care for him anymore...

Guilt for not doing something to stop certain members of my extended family from smashing themselves into a wall of self destruction...


I lay awake at night going over days,.weeks, months of my life that I didnt do something I should have or did something I shouldnt have.

It goes on. Im using cognitve behavior therapy and its helping some. You know " Is there something I can do about this right now?" If yes, then what? If not, how can I manage my worry? Exercise? Bubble bath? Ritual? Read? Talk about it?.

Can't stress this enough. Thanks for another thing to remind my therapist about - I have GAD and this is a stressor and I never thought to bring it up, lol. Now I'm anxious, haha. But to the OP, try CBT, it does work. I do "homework" if I think about something for a long time. It does help, a ton. Good luck!

amnsetie

If you were "lost in the crowd" then she doesn't need you there to make a success of her club.

Just tell her it's not for you and move on

girl_afraid82

If she's as nice as you say she is... I'm sure she won't mind.
If I were in her place, I'd hate to think someone was only coming because they felt too guilty to tell me they weren't having fun! She'd probably feel as guilty about it as you if she found out you were uncomfortable!

Give it one last try and if it's definitely not for you... don't force it!

MooMooooo

I made a final decision yesterday...

I wrote to the lady and said that I had decided not to join because I was too busy with my other bookclubs.

But that I had a good time at the meeting.

I felt good about being positive ie lying - I really didn't want to get into it, there's no need.

Anyway, she wrote back and said she noticed I didn't get much chance to talk! lol, so I guess I wasn't fooling anyone.

So it's done now - also contacted the group and said the same, that I loved meeting them and had a good time but that I was too busy for another bookclub right now.

Never heard back from them though. Oh well...

I feel happy right now. mostly because no one got mad at me and my friend was even supportive.

amnsetie

Glad you had a good experience with saying no.
Hopefully you will feel better about saying no next time you feel you need to

you have done well

Ralphrabbit

I'll give a different opinion. Do it again!
Things tend to feel awkward at first. You can't and won't click with everyone immediately. So try again. And if you get the same result... Then quit. You won't feel guilty because at least you tried

I agree! First impressions may not be good but then it could be that the baggage you took in with you contributed to how you felt? What happened may not be all their fault and not all yours either! Try again & see how you feel but if this is a reoccurring thing maybe some counselling may help? I certainly found it very helpful with my lack of self-esteem & perceptions of how I felt people looked at me!!

Iceman1800

Guilt is a useless emotion. You don't anyone anything. Why would you continue to attend something you don't enjoy? Honesty without being mean is always the best policy so just tell your friend you didn't enjoy it and thanks but no thanks. If you continue to go, you're just playing the martyr

ZoeyRobinson

Every time I do something I hate just to please people I get roped into doing more things i hate. Stop the madness and be honest with your friend and tell her you tried it out but it wasn't a good fit and thank her for thinking of you. Then go do something you'll enjoy.

Feeling guilty won't get you anywhere. It is a vicious cycle and only you can snap out of it.

laddyboy

I'll give a different opinion. Do it again!
Things tend to feel awkward at first. You can't and won't click with everyone immediately. So try again. And if you get the same result... Then quit. You won't feel guilty because at least you tried

This....give it a chance

ashlinmarie

I have guilt over calling in sick to work even if I am so ill I cannot stand.

Most of my guilt is from letting people down. If I think I'm going to disappoint someone, I feel guilty. Which is why losing weight didn't work for me in the past. I had one bad week and felt I'd let everyone down so might as well eat more!

I would maybe give it one more shot and then kindly explain to the organizer that it wasn't your thing and as someone else mentioned, suggest something else you could do together.

Irish_eyes75

12 years of Catholic school...yeah I know a little something about guilt. It wasn't until I was my 30's that I started to shed the guilt and live my life. My entire extended family still isn't speaking to me because I chose to go skiiing over Christmas last year instead of attending our stale, boring Christmas eve get together. Sure I felt guilty, but my husband, son and I had the best Christmas of our lives!
Life is far too short to waste it feeling guilty. Quit the book club, you're just wasting time there.

L00py_T0ucan

Actually, you are allowed to quit and not give a reason.

It's not a job and if it's not fun, don't go. it's that simple.

if you feel you must give a reason to the person you know, just be sort of vague, but polite: "I realized I'm more of a solitary reader," lame, I know, but I don't think she would press the issue after saying something like that.

:flowerforyou:

I hear you though. My challenge in life is aligning the things that I want to do with the things that I should do and the things I actually do. They should all be the same, not separate categories! :laugh: :noway: