Why do people do this?

CeCe_oceansoul_420

Warning: This is a rant.

So I started my weight loss journey exactly three months and one day ago. Over the last three months, I have lost about 35 pounds by just making small changes to the way that I eat, adding more fruits and veggies, drinking lots of water, and exercising. Since I started, I've gradually increased my amount of exercise per day from 10 minutes to about 60 (I was doing 90 but just didn't have time to keep doing that). So what I'm doing is obviously working for me.

I'm talking to my mother-in-law the other day, and she starts trying to tell me that I need to stop using sugar in my coffee (even though I don't drink anything else with sugar except for the one glass of G2 I have after my evening walk), and I need to cut beef out of my diet (even though I only eat beef once a week at the most), and I should stop using sour cream on my baked potato. She was also trying to say that I need to eat "healthier", even though I don't think she has the slightest idea what I actually eat. Since I started this journey, I have not removed a single thing from my diet. Yet I'm losing weight. The difference is in how much I'm eating, how I fit the indulgences into my daily calories, and how much I'm exercising.

My diary is public. Is there anything wrong with the way I'm eating? I'm consistently under my calorie goal (except one day this week, out of all the days ever since I started logging in June). She has never, ever been overweight a day in her life, has never had to really worry about it (except recently she's had to start worrying about her cholesterol, hmm), and she thinks she can offer me weight loss advice even though what I'm doing is obviously working? And then she says that she can't "see a difference", and of course she can't, we live with her and she sees me every day! But if you look at pictures taken of me at the end of April (there's one on my profile, I'm holding a white purse and standing with my husband), and compare it to the picture of me taken in the middle of July (my profile picture), there's a significant difference. I am *obviously* losing weight, and all my friends are noticing.

I just don't understand why people feel it's so necessary to offer me "advice" when they've never been overweight and when what I'm doing is so obviously working for me. Grrrrrrr. /rant.

Thanks for reading and giving me a place to rant.

And no, I'm not going to let what she said get me down, I know better. I'm just annoyed, because she isn't the first person who has done this. People will hear that I'm losing weight and immediately assume that it's because I've stopped eating "so much" fast food and pizza, when in fact I hardly ever ate fast food or pizza before, and I actually eat both more often now! Or they ask what kind of diet I'm on, um, I'm not, this is a lifestyle change! Okay, now I'm really done ranting.

rompers16

I think a simple "I appreciate your advice, but I'm happy with the way I'm handling it." should suffice. It's sad that there are so many know-it-all's out there. To each his own. Feel free to add me if your looking for positive support.

Pspetal

Simply ignore! You're doing it right. Give yourself a pat on the back for making it this far and ignore her. People will usually give you advice whether you like it or not. Smile and say "Ok sure" and change the topic. :flowerforyou:

pastryari

You live with your mother-in-law?? You poor, poor thing.


Just ignore her. If what you're doing is working, then keep doing it. Politely say "You know, I think I got this. What I've been doing is working so I'm going to stick with that. Thanks for the advice, though."

DontStopB_Leakin

First, she's your mother-in-law. Mine is awesome, but some suck. She sounds like she's on the sucky end. Don't listen to her.

Second, some people love to be holier than though and think they know absolutely everything. These people suck. Don't listen to them.

Third, uh, yes, after looking at your pictures, theres a huge difference. Even she should be able to see it. She's either blind, or just sucking. Don't listen to her.

Fourth, only YOU can figure out what kind of lifestyle change will help you get to where you want to be. What you are eating and doing is obviously working for you right now. Eventually, you might have to change it. But for now, it works. Some people love to shove whatever works for them down everyone else's throat. These people suck. Don't listen to them.

And finally, congratulations!! You look amazing, I bet you feel a million times better, and you are making the change to lead a healthy and happy lifestyle. That, above all else, is what's important.

P.S. I got quite the chuckle after reading that she's having cholesterol problems. Skinny =/= healthy.

deb3129

No matter how well you are doing, someone is always going to try to "help". 5 months ago I transitioned to a plant based diet, and since then I have lost 72 pounds. But people still try to give me diet tips. And the people I work with see the huge salads I eat for lunch and try to tell me that I am eating too much. I think people just like to be helpful, and they know you are trying to do better, so maybe they think they are telling you something that you might not know already.

missypoo1974

It seems that some people are not happy with others being happy or growing as a person. I am thinking that she does see your changes and she is irritated that you are feeling better about yourself. (Not sure why some people are that way) She might be giving you advice thinking that you will think "What's the use? It will never be enough!" With that being said, I'm sorry she isn't being supportive.

caraiselite

fat does not make you fat. i agree with not having sugar, but you barely eat any!

eat MORE beef! yum! and sour cream is delicious, why would anyone give it up? fat is healthy.
unless you can't eat dairy.. then that's your decision haha.

CarolynE83

I agree u are doing great! I was worried about giving up foods. I haven't given up anything except switching from regular soda to diet. Im losing wait just by cutting down portions & walking everyday :-) I even slip up every once in a while on my calories but its ok cause it seems to balance itself out in the end. I've lost 9lbs since 6/20/12 & I am very pleased!

AmyP619

Sometimes you just have to ignore what people say. You know what you're doing is working for you, and that's all that matters. When I first started my journey, I had people tell me "That is WAY too much weight for you to expect to lose...that's not realistic..there's no way." WHY not?! WHY can't I lose 100 lbs? Who are you to tell me that my goal is unachievable? It's not OK, and sometimes people just don't know when to hold their tongue. Be proud of yourself, and then at the end of your journey you can tell your mom, "HA! I did it even while doing everything you told me I shouldn't be doing!" You're doing a GREAT job!

Christi6604

I have no idea.

My mother is the same way. I've been losing weight for 2 1/2 years. Slow and steady. She was very thin until she got some medical problems and gained as a result. She never has exercised or watched what she ate.

She called me once after I'd been losing weight for a year and I mentioned that I was making rice crispy bars (planned for it, and gave most to the neighbors)...she actually gasped and said "You're not falling off the wagon are you?"

I'd say don't let it get to you, but I know that doesn't help.

Just know you aren't alone....and you are DEFINITELY on the right track. What great loss in just 3 months! Great job!

CeCe_oceansoul_420

Thanks, everyone! My MIL is actually a pretty cool person (though living with her is kind of a pain in the butt), it's just this thing that really drives me nuts. When I first started, she kept telling me I needed to exercise more, which I knew I did, but first I had to get used to sweating and actually moving.

I do feel a million times better. I love the fact that I'm never hungry for very long before I eat something, and I love the fact that now I can and do eat, and I can even eat the things that I love!

I truly enjoyed each and every comment, thanks guys!

Kebby83

Whenever I tell people how much I've lost they have advice for me. It's like if someone told me they got an award for their speaking skills and I give them advice on how to speak. They already know.

The worst is the guy who was obese, then went to boot camp (for the air force) and lost weight and then when he was honourabally discharged he came home and put on enough to be 250lbs. First of all - if my diet and movement were controlled by the air force boot camp then I would lose weight too in a flash. Every time he sees me do anything remotely to do with health and fitness he gives me advice as if he knows better than me. I am too polite but every time I hear it I am like " DO IT THEN " because he just sits around playing video games, eats junk and stays inside all the time. I ask if he wants to walk/join in a work out and he won't. He watched me to the WARM UP of a video and said it's a little easy. Yeah, shoulder rolls don't normally do me in, either!

GnochhiGnomes

Ignore her. My sister used to encourage me to net 0 calories per day, because she wanted to be able to buy me more fashionable clothes. What your doing is working for you, so just keep at it!

Kebby83

She called me once after I'd been losing weight for a year and I mentioned that I was making rice crispy bars (planned for it, and gave most to the neighbors)...she actually gasped and said "You're not falling off the wagon are you?"

Urgh I hate that. My coworkers say it every time I eat ANYTHING - "is that good for your diet?" while they are sitting eating cake, donuts and goodness knows what. I always just smile and say "sure" and carry on eating.

I even told them I am not even on a diet anymore (because I have heard enough "don't lose more" comments) and they continue to judge.

LJCannon

People will be doing this from Now On, FOREVER!!! It doesn't matter how much you lost, How you lost it, or How Long you have Kept It Off. Certain people feel it is their DUTY to tell you how to do "IT"
Most of the time I just Smile, Nod, and Walk Away.

ladyjanewriter

Your MIL is a garden-variety b*tch and a know-it-all. My mom is the exact same way.

I think when my mom dies and is getting ready to be buried, she'll be griping from inside her coffin that the gravediggers dug the hole wrong.

The funny thing is, people who do this are, um, so seriously not perfect in their own lives. Consider the source. Did she do this with other stuff in your life? It has less to do about caring about you (or anyone else) than it does about being "right" all the time.

***Edited cuz it's MIL, not mom.

Watch out if she pulls this crap with your kids (if you have kids). THAT is where it gets damaging.

***Edit x's 2:

and this is why I haven't really told my mom that I'm back on the lifestyle change thing. We live in separate states so she doesn't see me, and I don't think she'd ever figure out how to skype. It is a RELIEF. I'm able to do it without her stupid nagging this time around (which used to give me panic attacks and...guess what? make me binge). Only a few of my friends/co-workers know.

cklaebe

Hi, I live in Australia and this is my first time on this. I am also doing the Michelle Bridges 12wb as well and hopefully will lose my 20kg (44 Ibs) and I think you are an inspiration, good on you for just doing it, people always think they are trying to help, they do mean well, they seem to want to improve you when you are already doing it and allowing some little pleasures in your life.
Keep up the good work
Carrol

meshashesha2012

this is why i havenet told everyone i know that i'm actively losing weight.

too many people have diet mentality when it comes to weight loss and that's never been my approach.

SelkieDiver

Sometimes I think its their way of supporting you - bonding with you over what seems to matter a lot to you at the moment. At least that's how I try to look at it. they're sharing knowledge they have (or think they have) to make sure you have any and all info that may be helpful to you. I just say something like thanks, or that's really interesting I'll have to look into it. and then continue on doing what's working for me.

marycmeadows

Yes, what you're doing is working. that's awesome. But there comes a point where it's about eating healthy and living healthy, not just about having a calorie deficit. It's about feeding your body properly, and there's always room for improvement.

That being said, I hate it when people try to put their two cents in and they clearly don't know much about what they're trying to give advice on. Luckily, My family actually asks for my advice since I've been so successful, instead of trying to give me advice.

wickedcricket

head butt her and she will stop. Do it with an audience and you'll only have to do it once.

cartrat

Your MIL is a garden-variety b*tch and a know-it-all.

bam. she's just jealous because you stole her son away and your succeeding at keeping him around :P okay maybe that's not it but it sounds like she has a self esteem issue and is being a bully.

this is why i havenet told everyone i know that i'm actively losing weight.

too many people have diet mentality when it comes to weight loss and that's never been my approach.

this too. i always get the "you know that has lots of fat" or "now you know that doesn't work" or "you'll never stick with that". phooey!

CeCe_oceansoul_420

Yes, what you're doing is working. that's awesome. But there comes a point where it's about eating healthy and living healthy, not just about having a calorie deficit. It's about feeding your body properly, and there's always room for improvement.

That being said, I hate it when people try to put their two cents in and they clearly don't know much about what they're trying to give advice on. Luckily, My family actually asks for my advice since I've been so successful, instead of trying to give me advice.

I do agree with that, and I try to eat healthy about 80% of the time, but I do have my bad days and my good days. I don't think anything I eat is really all that unhealthy though. I always look at the nutrition facts (not just calories, but sodium, saturated fat, and sugar, as well as vitamins and nutrients), but for me, this has been a lot of small steps rather than just 100% healthy eating from here on out. I also figure that since I'm going to be doing this for the rest of my life, there's no way I can eat 100% healthy. So I need to find a diet that I can hold to for the rest of my life, which will help me lose weight. I'll adjust as needs be later on, as I lose more weight.

CeCe_oceansoul_420

this is why i havenet told everyone i know that i'm actively losing weight.

too many people have diet mentality when it comes to weight loss and that's never been my approach.

I haven't told very many people either, just a couple of close friends, my husband, and my MIL. But I'm making it clear that this is more about making healthier choices overall than it is about losing weight. I'm making nutrition and exercise my focus, knowing that the weight will drop off as long as I do that.

You're right though, many people have this idea that it's a "diet" and it's not.

trishybob

In my opinion, you mother-in-law is giving you advise because she loves and cares for you. She wants the best for you. Please do not let it affect your relationship with her. Listen and say thanks for the advise, but continue as you have been doing if you are getting results. Best of luck.

Pspetal

In my opinion, you mother-in-law is giving you advise because she loves and cares for you. She wants the best for you. Please do not let it affect your relationship with her. Listen and say thanks for the advise, but continue as you have been doing if you are getting results. Best of luck.

This!
My MIL gives me a lot of advice too and I just smile and say yeah sure I'll try that and just go back to doing what I'm doing. That way she doesn't get her feelings hurt, our relationship stays fine and I do my thing too. She really is a good person and doesn't mean to be criticizing or a know-it-all.
All mothers have a lifetime of giving advice behind them. You cannot expect them to change at that age. Put your ego out of the way, smile and change the topic and everyone's happy.

CeCe_oceansoul_420

In my opinion, you mother-in-law is giving you advise because she loves and cares for you. She wants the best for you. Please do not let it affect your relationship with her. Listen and say thanks for the advise, but continue as you have been doing if you are getting results. Best of luck.

I know she does, and this is her way of showing it, just like telling my husband to lay off the Dew is her way of telling him that she loves him, too. It's just kind of obnoxious is all. I'm glad I've got her to "mother" me, since I lost my own mom 3 years ago.

thedancingleper

My mother in law, who is obese, is really nosy about what I eat as well. Instead of wanting me to lose weight, however, she wants to constantly make me bigger like her by cooking extra fatty foods and bringing me home treats on a regular basis. She seems genuinely upset when I mention I'm trying to stick to a 1300 calorie diet. I love her to shreds and she's a sweetheart, but it makes it really hard for me at times and I hate "hurting" her by taking such small portions of her food and refusing the treats.

At any rate, I understand the obnoxious aspect you're talking about, except in a reverse sort of way. I hope things improve for you.