Bit of a rant & request for idea for dealing with guests

AnninStPaul

Is everyone so horribly rude, or just certain problem people? Stop inviting those and make sure they find out why. When they can behave themselves they can come back.

I am in shock...we have a group of friends over every month; I send an email announcing the protein, and people respond with what side dishes they are bringing. The adults all help (or at least offer ) -- setting tables, clearing, etc, and they usually leave at a reasonable time so they can put kids to bed. The kids have to be reminded/told/occasionally yelled at to pick up the toys they all pulled out.

jynxxxed

Personally.. I would either

A. Write it all down and address everybody about it and the next gathering.

B. Find other people who are able to host and take turns.

or C. Local park. I think this is the best option as it would resolve most of the issues and you can leave whenever you want! (and it's free)

CarolElaine25

Good suggestions, all of them. I like the idea of rotating to different locations, even to a restaurant or something periodically.

We did host it at a park once. Got complaints about it being too dirty. Hahahaha!

Thanks all!

That's about when I would tell them to start hosting it their damn selves, but I'm a bit on the curmudgeonly side and don't respond well to overly demanding people.

House rotation sounds like the best way to go. Not only is it easier on you, but others can see how much actually goes into planning something like that. I've thrown a number of small parties and have always made a few main dishes and provided a few options for drinks. My family and friends know that I'm vegan and that if they want meat, they have to bring it pre-cooked themselves (I don't forbid it in my home, I just won't prepare it). I'll always offer - in as nice a way as possible - that if there's anything in particular that a guest wants, to feel free to bring it with them.

NikkiSixGuns

Thank you all for understanding! I'm hearing some great ideas. How about a big contract/waiver when they walk in the door that they have to sign or they don't get to eat?

A couple of clarifications:

This is typically family only, with the occasional non-family member tagging along with a family member.

My husband's family makes up the vast majority of the group. On my side it's just me and my parents. THAT right there should explain the dynamic and a big part of the issue. My husband does talk with his family and explain the ground rules (on multiple occasions) but people seem to forget very quickly...

Assertive... yes, certainly. In fact I've got a reputation with my in-laws for being kind of a hard-a** b****. Thus, the reason I'm trying to approach this as tactfully as possible. I don't want to alienate them, so I'm not gonna just tell them all off. That's not an option.

Love the suggestion about "we've spent $XX to feed you, so don't bail".

Thanks again!

UnderCoverShyGirl

i agree with everyone here. I'm pretty relaxed about all those things you posted when i have company (i used to be uptight about it, but i had to relax or go nuts!), but as i went down the list and realized you must be hosting each and everytime, i immediately thought "you need to not do that". And honestly, if people will make comments about going cheap, or whatever, then to each their own, but how rude!

Maybe, if you are the only one that can host, you should do it on a quarterly basis, so at least you won't have the misery every single month. If you have to do the planning or it won't happen, have everyone meet at a restaurant one month (either contribute set amount each or pay their own tab), a park potluck the next month, bowling the next month etc.

If you keep it at your house, if you haven't already, i would post big signs (make 'em pretty) and put them in the key areas where things aren't going right . For instance post on the bedroom "Please respect our privacy and do not enter without permission", put a big "Trash" sign over the trash, etc.. You can designate one "open" room for coats and unexpected phone calls/diaper changes, etc. and mark it well so people know that is an okay place to be if they need privacy. Also, if you have any adolescents/responsible teens, delegate them to walk around every 30 minutes and pick up trash and things to help you out, it might be worth $10 to you if you feel bad for asking them.

Sometimes we aren't super clear about communicating some of these things because to us they are common courtesy. Unfortunately to others, they may not be. I think making some really pretty signs nice and big and putting them on the doors and over the key areas where you want certain action, might help a lot of people who really don't know that they are being rude by doing otherwise! Good luck!

katicasi82

Instead of always hosting it at your house, suggest a round-robin. Every month have it at a different house, with a different family member hosting and supplying the meals, etc. It's only fair to spread it out.

This makes the most sense!

susjan

From your post, you can clearly tell that this event bothers you... no matter how much you "enjoy" it. My suggestion would be to relocate the event to another house because all of what you described comes with hosting events.

It's really difficult to "see people on your terms" when you invite them into your house. Yes, people should be respectful of your house, your rules... but we all know that very rarely happens.

UnderCoverShyGirl

i had to reread...the kid problem sounds outta control...i almost wonder if a nice letter would help or hurt....a lot of people feel that "people are gonna get sick anyway it's flu season" and bring their sickness around, which drives me nuts. They need to be told they are risking someone's health! And the no RSVP, also drives me crazy. It almost feels like you guys need some "get together" rules no matter who's hosting....and then you could include something like "If you RSVP and don't show, or if you bring an unknown guest, you will be responsible for X dollars to cover that cost" type of thing. Again, if it's written nicely, and maybe not presented as "your rules" but rather "guidelines for successful family get togethers" It MIGHT be taken okay....you know your family, so you are probably the best judge of whether or not it would be a good approach. I really do wish you luck LOL!

dhakiyya

I can see why most of what you said is a problem. However you complained about people RSVPing then not showing up... and a bit later you complained about people bringing sick kids. Kids don't get sick on a schedule and if the parents know you'll be upset that they didn't come after saying they would, then they really don't have much option but to bring the sick child. You can't usually leave sick kids with babysitters. If it was me I would stay at home with the sick child (because sick kids need to be at home with a parent looking after them, as well as the reasons you said like not spreading germs to other people), but then I'd be not coming after I'd RSVPd to say that I would...

I like the suggestions by others to get other people to host the gatherings in their house and everyone take turns, or simply to all meet up somewhere else, like a picnic in the park or even all going to a restaurant somewhere. It doesn't have to be an expensive one, though it should be a family friendly one so they have stuff for the kids, and just book x number of seats in advance and figure out beforehand how the bill's going to be paid (e.g. whether everyone chips in). Then you can all go home, no clearing up, everyone gets to eat what they want off the menu and no worries about childproofing the home.

Ready2Rock206

I think the solution for this family get together is to have a picnic and meet in a park. Several of your problems will be solved and you can leave when you want to. In the winter months meet at a restaurant or indoor recreation facility. Good luck. I understand about relatives.

This sounds like a great alternative!

Sasssy69

I would tell everyone that the next get together is going to be a "no-host" evening at "such and such restaurant." Still get RSVP's, but let that be the extent.

When everyone shows up (or doesn't) just say, "Wow this worked out so well, I think we're going to start doing this every month, instead of us hosting it all the time. What does everyone think? Unless there is someone who would like to volunteer to take over hosting the family get together? Otherwise, this seemed to work out well."

They'll get the hint. And if they don't, and they question you, simply state, "Well, it is quite a bit of work for us to host it every month, not to mention the additional costs involved in meeting everyone's specific needs, and then for those who don't show, and I noticed the little ones get rambunctious and bored. So unless someone else wants to take over, then we both think this is the best solution. This way WE get to enjoy everyone and visit too."

If they argue with that, then they don't deserve to be at your house.

NikkiSixGuns

Thank you and thank you... This helps. Really I thought it was just me being overly touchy.

Relative to people not showing because kids get sick, I'm totally OK with that. I understand that stuff happens and I don't expect people to keep an RSVP when they have an unforseeable something come up. Had my share of those, so I get it. Life happens! What I have a problem with is people saying they'll be there and then telling us the day after the event that they decided to go to the beach instead. That's just rude.

The only bad thing about hosting at someone else's house each time is that I typically wouldn't get to have my parents there since the majority of the hosters would be my in-laws and wouldn't invite my parents. I understand it, but it's one of the main reasons we always host.

I'm thinking we just need to rotate locations: the park, a restaurant, someone else's house, etc. Anyone but here.

And you're right - I ENJOY seeing my family, but I don't ENJOY hosting the events. There's a difference.

NikkiSixGuns

Update:

We had our monthly gathering this past Saturday, and we held it at a nice local park with barbecues, lots of trees, and a couple of lakes. SO MUCH EASIER THAN HAVING IT AT OUR HOUSE. Got minor complaints about the walk from the parking lot to the table we chose, but whatever. We all left when it got dark and we actually got home at a decent hour. Yay! I'm thinking we'll be doing it this way for as long as the weather holds. When it gets cooler maybe we'll move the time of day up or find a local restaurant.

Thanks everyone!