What's wrong with me?!

nickichambers

Hi

My name is Nicola. Earlier this year, while my fiance was serving in Afghanistan, I began to go to the gym all the time. At first it was just so I wouldn't be bored without him here and also to stop me snacking all the time with our wedding coming up later in the year. That was January.

My March 16th, my 24th birthday, I was diagnosed with non-purge bulimia. I was going to the gym every night and most Saturdays. I would cancel plans with people just because I knew it would involve eating and restricted my diet, slowly but surely from the 1300 calories MFP was recommending, to just 800 a day. Some days I would go to two circuits classes back to back- thats more than 1000 calories burnt, remembering I was only eating 800.

Then on Saturday nights I would eat like a horse, I mean everything I could get my hands onto! By Monday, I would feel so guilty I would call in sick to work just so no1 would have to see how "fat" I was. On my birthday, when I was diagnosed with distressed eating I weighed just 9st 14- which for many is a "wow big deal" but considering I had been 11st since I was around 12 years old, this was a big deal, esp when I was 11st in February.

Since then I am starting to overcome my eating disorder. I weigh 10st 9lbs and have started slimming world. Problem is, I was at a hen weekend last weekend and gained a pound and now all the bad thoughts about being fat are coming back. I can't even get myself to exercise- believe me I HAVE TRIED but it's like my body just wont.

If anyone has anything that can help me it would be perfect, Be it motivation, or having shared a similar experience, it will do. I am getting married in October this year and now all I can think about is how ugly I am going to look in my beautiful dress.

Nicola xx

HulkDiesel77

I see your a low carlorie gal.............I can help you but you gotta get it up to at least 1200 calories.........add me if you would like to

Riodejaneiro2013

Hi i suffer from something very similar. Although I did purge and weighed a lot less (like in a bad way) and my binges were probably much MUCH worse. I can remember consuming over 6000 calories in under two hours. I am, however, recovering. The first thing you need to do is take one week off logging calories. Just a week to begin with. I come on here most days and sometimes roughly estimate them, but don't do it so religiously. Then write on a list Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner and Treat. Have a decent healthy reasonable one for each meal and something a little naughty. As you have each one tick it off. The thing that truly saved me however was learning how to run. I run almost everyday and since I started (not that long ago!) I feel so so so much better and eat more, look better and feel alive. On my list I also have Jog, 8 Glasses of water, and No Unplanned Snacking. At the end of the day I feel so proud if I manage to tick each of these things of that the next day I don't want to give up. I also stopped weighing myself. I know for most people this sounds easy but for all these things are a challenge, but the fact they are make me want to continue. Also remember not to feel guilty when you eat, that IS hard but I think 'everyone else eats this and feels fine... so should I.' I'm no expert but this certainly helped me... good luck!!! xx

Cazzy34

Sorry to hear you are struggling I suffered from bulimia for years.... I am now apparently "cured" as i don't purge anymore! However i don't think the disordered way of eating ever leaves you!

I am similar to you in that my body refuses exercises too! I muscles just don't seem to want to function at all! I do try to walk and do other things, but it is very difficult.

I understand that the scale rules everything, your emotions and your moods! I have been learning for so long now that i realise that the scale is just a number! I could weigh the same but be really fit and toned!

What i am trying to do is lose body fat and gain muscle, without being on the scale too much... every few days i have gotten it down to now. It was 3+ times a day for a while. That way i know if i feel and look good i may be less likely to be addicted to the scale. You could throw your scales away, depends how dedicated you are.... i tried to do that but just ended up buying another set lol

As for the eating, just try to eat another bite of what you are having or have 2 small plates of food. Once you finish the first one try to then eat from the second. If thats hard take at least 1 or 2 spoonfuls from the second and award yourself for doing so. That way you won't look at a huge plate of food, which can bring the "fat" thoughts back. Also snacking on higher cal foods helps too, seeds, nuts etc.

Good luck, Add me as a friend if you wish x

xsmilexforxmex

Eating disorders are one of those things that kind of never go away... If you have a doctor, talk to them about the feelings you're having or talk to friends or family that know about it and are supportive of your efforts of moving on. While you'll probably never be 100% okay all the time with your weight or how you look you seem to understand it's not healthy..
I'm not sure how recent your profile pic is but both the girls in it are gorgeous and by no means look like either need to lose weight. We're our worst critics when it comes to how we look.. It's knowing when to draw the line. Don't stress over 1-2lb over a week.. chances are it's water weight from drinking or sodium intake.. but if you really do want to lose keep yourself in check and tell friends and family so they can help. Do it the healthy way, don't eat below your BMR, and let your body rest at least once a week. A good goal is to workout but whatever you do burn eat back to within 500 calories of your total goal.. this helps keep your metabolism up and your body fueled for daily activities.
good luck

nickichambers

Hi everyone!

Sorry been out of touch with the world for a few days. Thanks for all the sound advice! Will keep it all in hand!

The profile picture was takin in March, the day I was disgnosed with builimia. This week has been easier- I feel like i have eaten my weight in fruit and veg but on Sat & Sun I felt so ill I didn't eat at all. Still struggling with exercising but getting better- slowly but surely!