Feeling partially responsible for my wife's weight

TheGoblinRoad

When I met my wife, she was a little overweight and I was very overweight. At the time, she had a positive self-image despite her weight and tried to help me feel the same about myself. I've always thought she is beautiful and still do.

However after 10 years together and having ups and downs with my own weight, I feel like such a bad influence and a big-time enabler. She's put on more weight, though not as much as I have. She's still beautiful but now she doesn't feel she is and criticizes herself a lot. And I continue to enable by either making food that's not quite healthy or just giving her whatever she asks for.

I do all the cooking, except for every few months where she'll make something. Some weeks I do better and I make us healthy meals every night, but those are undone by the unhealthy weeks.

I know that she has to take responsibility for herself, but I feel like I should be sticking to a better lifestyle. She will eat whatever I give her. She works 50 to 60 hours a week as a teacher, so I'm the one who has the time to plan things out and do better.

My job only requires me to work about 25 hours a week, and then I work on my writing for whatever amount I'm motivated. I admit this is a big challenge.

I'm wondering if any of you feel the same way-- if you feel you contribute to what your spouse's health is, regardless of whether that's right or not.

AlannaPie

There are certainly many people who post here who feel helpless because they are at the will of someone else who prepares their meals. But needless to say you're here now, and since you are trying to make a change you can help her too by making more appropriate meals.

Arienna

I feel responsible for my family's overall health in general. Though my husband is not overweight at all and I eat better than him, and that is extremely frustrating!!!! But I've been making healthier foods for quite some time now. I have two children that I want growing up healthy so I make sure I make healthy meals and always have healthy snacks for them such as: yogurt, fruit, cheese slices, and veggies. If you cook the meals, make sure you are making healthy choices and make sure there is no junk food in the house, keep healthy things available. Also, even though olive/canola oil is supposed to be good for us (fat wise), it still has lots of calories. You can "fry" foods in water and I use Pam cooking spray a lot. I don't want to waste 120 calories on oil! Even making little changes can help. Also, encourage her to drink lots of water.

CasperO

Who and what we are is the combination of everything we've been through, everone we've touched, every choice we've made.

On the one hand,,, ya - you have an influence 'cause you do the cooking. On the other hand, you did not wrestle her down and cram cheesecake in her mouth, she chose to eat. So her condition is primarily the result of her own choices.

Not that any of that matters in the slightest, the past is gone.

Now, cooker-man,,, what are you going to do for her and for yourself? What can you do? Testify.

KatWood

I applaud your honesty. Use this realization to help motivate you to make healthier choices. Make this a journey you do together. It will make it that much more rewarding.

I think my husband and I have enabled each others bad habits for years. His body just doesn't show it as much as mine did!:laugh: Since I do most of the cooking, I make healthier choices and he has been very supportive. He eats whatever I cook and it has been fun exploring new healthy foods together. :flowerforyou:

TheGoblinRoad

Who and what we are is the combination of everything we've been through, everone we've touched, every choice we've made.

On the one hand,,, ya - you have an influence 'cause you do the cooking. On the other hand, you did not wrestle her down and cram cheesecake in her mouth, she chose to eat. So her condition is primarily the result of her own choices.

Not that any of that matters in the slightest, the past is gone.

Now, cooker-man,,, what are you going to do for her and for yourself? What can you do? Testify.

I better just stick to the healthy choices at home. Perhaps its easting out at restaurants that she can do whatever she wants.

We are in the Child Search phase of adoption, which means soon we'll have 2 kids to raise all of a sudden. I don't want to do the same thing to them, so I will have to start practicing now.

Thanks for the encouragement!

CasperO

Piece of cake man,,, it's actually a fun and interesting challenge. I do the cooking in my house too, and I can plate you delicious and filling meals under 400 calories a plate. It's taken some learning and some research, and of course we had to give up the fried cheese habit, but we've learned to cook well and enjoy our food as much as ever and still keep it light.

You like fish? Pork?,,, green veggies, sweet taters, corn on cob. What kills us is processed foods. If you keep it real there are tons of choices to make great meals.

By real I mean something that grew from the ground or was butchered or taken like eggs/milk - and then just a few simple steps for preparation. Chicken breast quick-cooked in a pan with a little EVOO and some onions & peppers = Good. Chicken thigh tipped in a complicated tempura batter and deep fried in peanut oil = poison. So which is simpler?

So there's your challenge and your answer - learn to cook good light stuff and sell it, make her enjoy her 350 calorie dinner. It's fun. You can do it,

TheGoblinRoad

Piece of cake man,,, it's actually a fun and interesting challenge. I do the cooking in my house too, and I can plate you delicious and filling meals under 400 calories a plate. It's taken some learning and some research, and of course we had to give up the fried cheese habit, but we've learned to cook well and enjoy our food as much as ever and still keep it light.

You like fish? Pork?,,, green veggies, sweet taters, corn on cob. What kills us is processed foods. If you keep it real there are tons of choices to make great meals.

By real I mean something that grew from the ground or was butchered or taken like eggs/milk - and then just a few simple steps for preparation. Chicken breast quick-cooked in a pan with a little EVOO and some onions & peppers = Good. Chicken thigh tipped in a complicated tempura batter and deep fried in peanut oil = poison. So which is simpler?

So there's your challenge and your answer - learn to cook good light stuff and sell it, make her enjoy her 350 calorie dinner. It's fun. You can do it,

Fish sounds good-- we don't eat any other kind of meat. Aside from fish, I've been vegetarian since I was 11.

I think the biggest hurdle for us is portion size. Sometimes I think I should box away all the large plates and bowls!

moujie

Sometimes I think I should box away all the large plates and bowls!

Great idea if portion size is your problem. We use our "salad" plates most often and it does help to not over fill. you aren't responsible for her weight though - more than likely you've both "encouraged" each other's bad habits. it's easy to do. you have to replace that with real encouragement - be a team. If you can do it in one direction you can do it in the other. you have a great motivating factor with the adoption (congrats btw!) I am waiting for my daughter, age 7 who is in Africa, we have the referral but we know it'll take months before we can go get her (such is the slow process) anyway we're using this time to get healthy and start banishing the bad habits that got us in poor shape in the first place. I do not want to be a fat mommy, nor do I want my daughter to see me doing the things I watched my mother do to herself. Number one on that list was that she always felt bad about herself and called herself fat. Kids see and hear these things and it effects how they feel about themselves. My kid is going to have healthy parents who don't bash themselves - my partner and I are working on it now so it's habit by the time she gets here. you guys can do it!!

annhjk

By real I mean something that grew from the ground or was butchered or taken like eggs/milk - and then just a few simple steps for preparation.

As far as eating "clean", I've heard that if your grandparent's didn't have it growing up, don't eat it. It's mainly a mix of many processed things.

PS - we only use salad plates too. We also don't eat "family style" any more either. We dish it up in the kitchen, then go sit at the table and eat. If we want more, we have to get up and get it - which usually takes too much effort.

jlefton1212

My husband and I took up hiking and bike riding together. I love it because it is the ultimate in multi-tasking: we exercise, spend time with each other, and spend time outside all at the same time! I feel that making time for each other away from home and the TV has done wonders for our relationship, and I absolutely *glow* when we are done. I know that outdoor activities are tough when the weather gets bad, but maybe even walking around an indoor track or doing a workout video together might be an idea.