Trying to try and hoping to hope.

chickchickadee

I've gained 40 pounds in the last year, and I know exactly how. I moved from one place to another and began eating more after the move. Initially, it was celebratory eating, and this is how I justified it. I was happy to have good ol' American food back at my fingertips, and let's just say I took advantage of it with a vengeance. Celebratory eating became recreational eating, which became depressed eating, which became more deeply depressed eating because all this eating had made me, well, fat. Despite constant awareness and self-loathing at how much newfound flab was on my body and eye-popping (button-popping) evidence that I couldn't fit into 80% of my clothes, my denial about what I look like has been impressively persistent. And still, I ate. I've seen about 5 pictures of myself in as many months. Every one I've seen has been a shock, bordering on disbelief. Who is the fat girl and why is she wearing my clothes? My face doesn't really look like that, right? Right? More seriously, it's shaming and it's disappointing, especially when I think I look cute when, really, I look...big. The discrepancy between the "me" in my head and the "me" in the picture is a sucker punch to the gut, and I do have a gut. In my mind's eye, I'm still slim. I've apparently chosen to cling to this image in order to justify destructive eating behaviors and shut out reality. I feel helpless. And I feel hopeless. This is not my first rodeo. My weight has always been up and down, but now I've smashed through what I thought was my weight ceiling. I came within a pound of reaching my goal weight year before last. I am now up 40 pounds from that, which is more than I've ever weighed in my life. I'm ashamed of how I look to the point of being a bit agoraphobic. I don't want to see anyone or meet anyone like this, which I know is terrible. Am I doomed? Do I suck it up and buy fat clothes so I can stop wearing the same five outfits that still fit? Genetically, if you take a visual survey of my family, I'm not destined to be skinny. Is my burgeoning butt a rising tide I can't win against? Is it even possible to get rid of all this glorious cellulite? If I lose weight now, will I have excess skin? Am I just scared? Yeah, I'm scared, but I'm not sure if I'm scared enough. What exactly is it going to take? I am hoping that peer support will be the catalyst to get motivated and make it stick this time. For life. So, help?

ruthmiriam

Well, I can't say I know how you feel, since I don't think I've ever been at my goal weight...YET. I have been overweight my whole life. I am 44, and finally working towards getting to my goal, and though I still have a long way to go, this time it seems like it is going to work. So I'd say, if I can do it so can you! Why think that you are doomed to be overweight? Start exercising (just walking would be good to start), start logging your calories into MFP, and start feeling better about yourself. Don't worry about being judged by others, just start working on you and you will know inside that you are doing what you should and hopefully start feeling proud of yourself. Start telling yourself that you CAN DO THIS...it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy...

Kirkajuice

Buy a few clothes that fit, I used to be a UK 20 but was wearing 16's because I refused to believe how big I was. Looking at those pictures, I look 10 times fatter than I actually was because my clothes were cutting into me. Hopefully you won't need them for very long. I just tend to buy mine on ebay for the moment, I can buy nicer clothes when I know what I'm going to need at the end.

1546mel

u can lose it again. It will go away, cellulite goes away, fat goes away, buy a few clothes to fit and then work to fit into the rest again I have been depressed before about it, now i love my body

bohonomad

It's a lot easier when you are determined and know you'll lose it no atter how long it takes. And you def wont have excess skin from 40 pounds if you lose weight in a healthy way. I'm down 53 pounds and no saggy skin at all.. stretch marks are another story..

chickchickadee

Thank you to everyone! I'll take all the tips and encouragement I can get!