so far down the tunnel
RainHoward
Posts: 1,599 Member
Me: 38 years old, 6'3" and 575 pounds. I suffer from severe depression, chronic pain, arthritis and a general dislike of exercise. I've steadily gained weight for the last 7 or 8 years and until recently didn't realize just how fat I've gotten. It's quite shocking when you step on a scale and see it bounce of 600 before making up its mind. And eye opening.
My problem is multifaceted. First, fighting the depression and the urge to simply give up is somewhat exhausting. My inner voices like to scream at me, tell me I've always been the fat kid and I always will be. Depression makes doing things most people take for granted seem impossible. The idea of visiting a gym, for instance? You may as well tell me to walk to Mars. The depression comes with a nice side of social anxiety and panic. Makes even leaving the house difficult at times.
Then comes the chronic pain. Both knees are shot. I have lower back problems, arthritis and a myriad of other aches and pains that plague me on a daily basis. When you add chronic pain to depression they feed on one another and grow exponentially. This makes me feel like I am so far from the light at the end of the tunnel that the journey is pointless.
I don't know how to find my motivation, how to keep my motivation and how to not simply give up and wait to die. I have finally been able to start the process to get bariatric surgery, something I truly hope will provide me with the extra help I need to live a healthy life for what ever years I have left. But before that is possible I need to lose a minimum of 75 pounds. To me that seems like it may as well be a ton.
How do you stay motivated? What keeps you from giving up and living the rest of life as the fat kid? How do you find the energy to get up and do what you know needs to be done? I would like to be around to see my kids grow up and in my current condition I doubt that's going to happen.
My problem is multifaceted. First, fighting the depression and the urge to simply give up is somewhat exhausting. My inner voices like to scream at me, tell me I've always been the fat kid and I always will be. Depression makes doing things most people take for granted seem impossible. The idea of visiting a gym, for instance? You may as well tell me to walk to Mars. The depression comes with a nice side of social anxiety and panic. Makes even leaving the house difficult at times.
Then comes the chronic pain. Both knees are shot. I have lower back problems, arthritis and a myriad of other aches and pains that plague me on a daily basis. When you add chronic pain to depression they feed on one another and grow exponentially. This makes me feel like I am so far from the light at the end of the tunnel that the journey is pointless.
I don't know how to find my motivation, how to keep my motivation and how to not simply give up and wait to die. I have finally been able to start the process to get bariatric surgery, something I truly hope will provide me with the extra help I need to live a healthy life for what ever years I have left. But before that is possible I need to lose a minimum of 75 pounds. To me that seems like it may as well be a ton.
How do you stay motivated? What keeps you from giving up and living the rest of life as the fat kid? How do you find the energy to get up and do what you know needs to be done? I would like to be around to see my kids grow up and in my current condition I doubt that's going to happen.
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Replies
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RainHoward,
Congratulations on your decision to change your life! Realizing your need to lose weight and get healthy for your future is the first step. You found the motivation to join this website, too. Great job!
Because of your pain issues, exercise does not have to be a priority right now. Improving your diet can have a significant effect on your weight loss. When you lose weight from the diet, you will have less weight to fight against when you move your body. Do what you can! Earn it through baby steps, you can do it! Choose low-impact exercises to avoid aggravating your arthritis. Walk, swim, use the stationary bike, lift light weights while sitting down.
It has been scientifically proven that exercise causes cell growth in the hippocampus and can fight depression. As you move around more, you may notice a decrease in your depressive symptoms. Celebrate your triumphs, like every pound, every time you resist junk food, etc. and know that you deserve to be healthy and happy.
Good luck on your journey and keep us posted!0 -
I am so glad you have started this journey. I have a brother-in-law with many, many of the same problems you describe.
I assume you're seeing a doctor for your depression. He or she can help you with a serious weight loss program that can help you. Antidepressants do make it hard to lose weight, but not impossible.
And the weight loss will so help with the pain in your body and maybe even the pain in your heart.
Good luck.0 -
Thank you both for the kind words.0
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Well said! I agree that the exercise aspect shouldn't be a priority at this point. My Doctor told me all he wanted me to do was walk. So why don't you just start by walking around your house (inside). If you like to watch tv, then every commericial get up and walk down the hallway and back. As you lose weight you'll find that you can go further and longer. Every step counts! Start by making healthier choices diet wise and celebrate the truimps and don't let the setbacks get you down! We are human and not perfect, setbacks will happen. Don't let them ruin the good you have accomplished. If you have a bad day simply move on and start fresh the next. One of the worse things I ever did to sabatoge my efforts was to take a bad day (eating too much or bad things) and turning it to a bad week or month. That's what I love about using mfp. I log in my food good or bad and move on! Feel free to add me as a friend. I would love to help give you support and cheer you on!0
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Rainhoward, your post is really touching. I just want you to know that you can do this. Remember it won't happen overnight. That is the beauty of it. You already showed strength in just posting your story. I'm sorry that I do not have any technical advice, but one thing I have learned is that every baby step counts. knowing that there will be times that you want to give up will mean its expected and should be fuel enough to keep going. You got this!0
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I started out with 128 pounds to lose, which was such a depressing number that I wanted to give up before I started. I tried to focus on hitting the 10 lb milestones to keep me from losing hope: get below 270, get below 260, and so forth. Just trying to keep your focus on the small milestones instead of the biggies should help keep you from feeling overwhelmed. As blleadon said, your story really touched me. I know you can do this, and I know that as the weight comes off and your health and mobility improves your depression will as well.
As far as exercise, I agree that you shouldn't have to worry much about it now but I've heard that the "Sit And Be Fit" videos can be useful for folks with mobility issues. One nice thing about exercise is that it can keep you motivated even if the numbers aren't budging or you've had a "bad" food day. There's a real sense of accomplishment I get from knowing that I pushed myself a little further in my workout that helps carry me through periods of stalled weight loss.
I wish you all the best!0 -
All your words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. Thank you all.0
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You mentioned many reasons for losing weight. I say write those down on post it notes, or paper, even better print off pictures of your child, and post them n your fridge, cupboards, mirror, ect just as a reminder. Sometimes the motivation is just knowing ou have to do it.
Weigh lost, especially in the beginning is 90% diet, and less about exercise. I have hardly worked out or gone to a gym at all and have lost over 50 lbs. I have found that things. Found would leave me breathless are now to so bad. Focus on just trying on getting a little more movement, stand instead of sit, fidget out our arms, legs, fingers, toes, whatever. Get up, and stretch, move your arms in big motions. You don't need to go out. Just get moving. I started wih just lifting my daughters up and down and laying more with them.
Log your food. It want have t be perfect, just log everything. This will give you an awareness of what you are eating. Onc oh ar ready, focus on one small change at a time. It may be more water each day and before you eat, o replacing regular soda with it, then water. Maybe more veggies or fruit. It doesn't have to be perfect as his is a journey just try and do better each week. Usually set my little changes for a weekly basis, this way it gives your body and mind to t before the next little change.
You can definately do this. The hardest part is deciding hat you want the change.0 -
There are others on this site that have started where you are now. Every journey begins with a single step. Start logging what your eating. Start moving more. Any movement. Diet is key. As the weight starts to come off moving will get easier.
Kudos for taking the first step.0 -
Haven't read the other replies,
but your post almost made my eyes water out of empathy for you.
I can so so imagine, how you might feel overwhelmed.
sometimes, for most people,
if they are looking at a mountain,
it seems more possible,
when you think of in in small steps, just think, " i want to lose two pounds this week"
NOT
"i want to lose 70 pounds."
for real, give that a try,
chop it up into more manageable bits, focusing only on smaller goals.
small victories can you get there.
one after the other, just a bit at a time.
also, if you can afford it, consider seeing a counselor to help you find coping mechanisms to deal with all the multitude of very difficult problems that you have to face. You do not have to do this alone.
there might also be support groups, for weight loss, in your area, which are free, and others there can give you some support and encouragement.
also,
do log every bite. for real,
even though you are limited on exercising due to your pain and bad knees, etc,
most of weight loss IS from reducing calorie intake,
NOT exercise.
However, exercise is KEY to keeping it off/maintenance, and multiple other benefits. After you have lost some weight, through calorie reduction, i would bet, your ability to exercise will slowly increase, and some of the pain you live wiht now, will decrease.
And your self esteem, your sense of being able to do this, will skyrocket, too.
It is sort of like,
one good step, leads to another.
One (1) at a time.
don't look to the top of that mountain yet,
just watch your shoes,
and step forward. just a step of change at a time.
Notice and congradulate yourself when you do complete even one (1) day at your target calories. THAT ACTUALLY IS GREAT!!
Just try hard, to think of "Today is Sunday, today i will plan out my 2,000 calories and only eat 2,000 calories worth of food."or whatever is your limit,
and reward yourself with something you DO enjoy for doing it!
You can also, set aside enough unspent calories for a food you want as a treat, at end of day, as your reward, if you think you can stick to portion control. <---for me personally, i can't quite do this, i have *some* foods i lose my ability to stick to proper portions,
so for now, til i gain more inner strength and discipline, and better habits, i am avoiding a few foods for now, cuz i eat whole entire bag or something. lol. so if that is risky for you, to have certain foods,
i can understand, oh, can i ever.
but, others around here can and do have some favorite treats now and then, or else they feel deprived,
guess we are all unique.
Every day you stick your calorie limit, stuff a dollar into a jar,
or watch a great movie,
or get a new best seller from the library,
or crank up your favorite song,
or whatever makes you feel good.
Plain old calorie reduction is NOT easy, but, gets easier with practice, if you do track on your food diary. Focus on your calories, for one day, just for today, as if it is a one time thing, just for today,
just this here one (1) day, i can do this.
then do it again on MOnday, pretending it is again, just a one day experiment or contest or whatever 'trick on your mind' gets your through one (1) day.
or sometimes, one hour.
Keep yourself busy, read inspiring biographies of people you admire, stuff you are interested in. Set a timer, every hour, get up and stretch around for 10 minutes, walk around, each day, adding a few more feet to that walk.
don't look way far ahead, just the next 24 hours you will treat yourself well, and give yourself proper amount of nutrients.
for now, and do keep limbering up, moving as you can. Each time you do it, it might get one pinch easier.
i wish you the very very best of luck,
and do press on, keep trying, don't give up. You are young yet, a whole life ahead of you still, and you deserve to achieve your goal.0 -
You've gotten some excellent responses here. I don't know at else to add but I wanted to tell you that you can do this. Take it one day at a time, one meal at a time. Focus on the behaviors you will need to be successful, specifically sticking to your calorie goal. Use the tools on this site to determine what that might be.
You can do this!0 -
I get you, I do. My highest weight was 331. I couldnt believe I have gotten that high. Just like you depression hits you adn its like you have no control over yourself, it controls everything. I hated me, I hated my body. I hated people. I still feel like I am in a world full of hate, but I am on my way to fix this issue. What contributed to this depression was, bf n I were having relationship problems, then in 5 years I had had 5 surgeries. I ended up pregnant with my 2nd child, she was a csection, then I had to have my gullbladder removed, then I ended up pregnant again. Yes another csection. Well with this many pregnancies I ended up with a severe hernia. It was the size of a loaf of bread. I had it removed cus It was causing stomach problems. I had the surgery adn it got infected real bad n my wound completely opened up. I was horrified that these doctors didnt care enough about me to take care of the problem, so instead the mutilated me. I had a big hole in my stomach the size of a grapefruit and 2 inches deep. I was hooked up to a special machine to suck out the infection. I was horrified even more cus I felt ugly. I was horrified with myself n god what does my bf think of me. Well it took 6months or more to heal completely. Then I got pregnant again, so another csection. SO all together I wasnt including my oldest who was alos a csection, 4 csection, gallbladder removal, hernia repair n being hacked up from neglect, I fele the sense to get me back. I am in control, its my life n I am not letting this win. I am not giving up on me. I am sick of my excuses, I am sick of letting this depression win over me getting the best of me, proving people right, and how did this happen even more? I went to a cosmetic surgeon to have my scar repair because it bothers me to wear pants. He said I was just to fat, I cant lose the weight, that I need gastric bypass surgery. The way he was pissed me off to the extreme, even though I already lost weight, I told him, he didnt believe me. Well I will show that retard I can do it, be cause fat people dont have will he thinks, he thinks we are incapable. I will show him, Yes I ma doing this for me, I am also using my anger to the best advantage. Exercise hurts like hell, but you know what I feel stronger, I feel better, I am getting me back. Its gonna hurt, I will not lie to you, but it is possible if you put you effort into it, your body will adapt and get use to it, making you feel.....you can accomplish more out there. I worked my way up to all that and I will be doing more. # weeks ago I was at 255 pounds, I am still going strong, I work my butt off because I want this so bad. No, I will admit, I dont always eat healthy but who does, we are allowed to self indulge here n there thats what keeps us sane. Think dont give upon yourself and find people who will not give up on you either a good support system your gonna need. You can add me if you want. Its hell, its gonna suck, but you can do it.
But all of this, is my anger working its magic on myself esteem, use what you got. 0 -
I've found his postings to be totally inspirational and motivating http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/626293-3-yr-anniversary-307-lbs-lost-picture-heavy0
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I've found his postings to be totally inspirational and motivating http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/626293-3-yr-anniversary-307-lbs-lost-picture-heavy
Thank you for showing me this, amazing and inspirational.0 -
I started out at 380 pounds. Like you I suffered with a variety of issues...depression, back pain, planter fasticis, low iron, constantly sick with kidney infections, viruses bronchitis etc, migraines. I also had hermitted myself in my house. And only went out for work purposes. Anyway one day I just realised if I didnt change something I WOULD become confined to my home. So i just decided no matter what i could become that. I set myself a long range goal (which i havent met yet) and i just refuse to give up till then. It has taken me 6 years...but in a week of good eating you will already have improved your health. Take it one step at a time. Try to just move a lil bit dont aim for the gym YET...when you are ready for that you will know (FYI i joined the gym when i was 330 pounds. Make the decision that you are not going to simply wait to die...we all deserve a healthy happy life...its in your grasp....go get it 0
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Your story is very touching. I really don't have any advice for you that hasn't already been given but I'd like you to know that we're here if you need us and we wish you the best.
I noticed you found that story inspiring. Just think what an inspiration you will be when you do this!!0 -
You know, you have already taken the most important step, you are ready to change your body. Most people don't ever get there, so you are already one up.
You CAN do this!0 -
Everyone has given wonderful advice, so I have nothing to say but this: I am very familiar with depression and anxiety and I've experienced all the psychological issues that you have (plus some). I know it gets overwhelming and sometimes you may feel like giving up. Just keep the goal in mind- a happier, healthier you. Remember, every day is a new day with no mistakes in it yet.
Something that did help me a lot on the diet side of things, however, is not to reward myself with food. That way, I don't sabotage myself and I'm not craving anything! It took a little while to get adjusted to it, but it's well worth it If you ever need a friend on mfp to talk to, I'm here
Sarah0 -
RainHoward,
Just remember, we didn't gain the weight overnight and we aren't gonna lose it overnight! Take it one day, one step at a time. You CAN do this. It is hard, but it only makes us stronger! We are all here for support if you need us!0 -
just wanted to say I found your post moving. The 75lbs may seem like its a daunting task and I can understand the overwhelming feeling that it just seems too hard to contemplate - so don't think of it as 75lbs - think of it as smaller less scary amounts - like it's ok let me get it down to the 60 something - then when you get to 60lbs its like - ok I only have to do that 7 more times and it's gone.
agree about the "don't worry about the exercise", even just trying to move about a bit more is the first step. just log everything, doesn't matter how bad it looks, its just about getting an awareness of where the highest calories are coming from, then the next stage is maybe tackling it bit by bit - macro's will follow once you can get to starting to hit your intake goals - but thats just another step later down the road.
don't think about the impossible task, just do what you can little by little. depression sucks0
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