Gainers due to ED?

jess1992uga

Hey everyone-
My name is Jess and I am just looking for support because I have been told by my docs I need to gain 25 lbs on my road to recovery (yet again) from an eating disorder. I have been doing good but now I am back working with 65 freshmen girls at my university and am struggling with thinking about how they will see my body change throughout the semester and how they think I am getting fat. Sure I have tried to slip into casual conversation that I have to gain weight, but I am still scared. Currently I am 5' 7.5" and weigh 100 lbs, which I know isn't good, I get that, and its the lowest I have ever been I am just scared. I have had an ED since I was 6 and it started with binge eating. That got me to be 5' 6" and 210 lbs by the time I was in 8th grade. I still look in the mirror and see that girl. Maybe its because the sadness and fear are still in my eyes, idk, but to me my body looks the same now as it did then.
It's hard for me to accept that I have to gain. Since that moment in 8th grade my mom got me an extreme diet where I lost 50 lbs in 3 months. I was applauded and for once accepted and paid attention to by the family. This led to an addiction to weight loss which paved the way for anorexia and non-purge type bulimia (overexercising, laxatives, etc). I've been at low weights before and have been to treatment many times (8 times I think). I don't want this to be my life, but I am so scared because I literally know nothing else other than disordered eating. I mean I don't even know what fullness and hunger really feel like. At this point hunger is when my stomach is growling and the room is spinning and fullness is when that stops. Luckily, I don't listen to those cues and instead just eat what my nutritionist says (a scary but needed task).
I just need support I guess. I mean I have had this thing for years and am ready to get rid of it. Turning 20 on the 25th and ready to start this decade ED-free.

peachyxoxoxo

Feel free to add me I've suffered anorexia, BED, and bulimia. Now I guess I consider myself in recovery but I know how difficult it is and how lonely it can feel.

jess1992uga

Thanks so much

jess1992uga

Anyone else? I would love support.

CoderGal

Hey everyone-
My name is Jess and I am just looking for support because I have been told by my docs I need to gain 25 lbs on my road to recovery (yet again) from an eating disorder. I have been doing good but now I am back working with 65 freshmen girls at my university and am struggling with thinking about how they will see my body change throughout the semester and how they think I am getting fat. Sure I have tried to slip into casual conversation that I have to gain weight, but I am still scared. Currently I am 5' 7.5" and weigh 100 lbs, which I know isn't good, I get that, and its the lowest I have ever been I am just scared. I have had an ED since I was 6 and it started with binge eating. That got me to be 5' 6" and 210 lbs by the time I was in 8th grade. I still look in the mirror and see that girl. Maybe its because the sadness and fear are still in my eyes, idk, but to me my body looks the same now as it did then.
It's hard for me to accept that I have to gain. Since that moment in 8th grade my mom got me an extreme diet where I lost 50 lbs in 3 months. I was applauded and for once accepted and paid attention to by the family. This led to an addiction to weight loss which paved the way for anorexia and non-purge type bulimia (overexercising, laxatives, etc). I've been at low weights before and have been to treatment many times (8 times I think). I don't want this to be my life, but I am so scared because I literally know nothing else other than disordered eating. I mean I don't even know what fullness and hunger really feel like. At this point hunger is when my stomach is growling and the room is spinning and fullness is when that stops. Luckily, I don't listen to those cues and instead just eat what my nutritionist says (a scary but needed task).
I just need support I guess. I mean I have had this thing for years and am ready to get rid of it. Turning 20 on the 25th and ready to start this decade ED-free.

<-120 lbs

I think you just called me fat

If someone calls a 5'7er fat whose in the 120s...I'd be scared too :laugh: I don't think you have to worry about any of those girls thinking that.

jess1992uga

No what I meant is I am afraid them watching me gain 25 lbs would make them think I am a fat pig or something. I think it is more bc thats what I see. People tell me I won't look fat. My profile pic for instance is me at about 115 lbs. I just get scared I guess.