Spanx. Trapped for life

jsabet

I've never been the type to go for compression tops. I'll admit most days I wear spandex underarmor bottoms instead of underwear, they feel more comfortable than regular underwear and having spandex under your clothes leads you to have what I call the "superman effect". If I got in a situation, I know I m prepared for a comfortable escape. My first encounter with spanx was not for this reason.

I'm a guy with expensive taste. I am also a guy who fluctuates between a medium and large often, almost daily. When I was at the mall I was already arms full of Burberry, Mark Jacobs, and Ted Baker buttons downs before I spotted the rack with Spanx for men on it. I was perplexed by them, curious but hesitant to be seen grabbing spanx. I succumbed to my curiosity to see what the fuss was all about. If they worked, I could just buy mediums an save the stress of later on having a fat day and still be able to fit in a shirt I paid out the *kitten* for. I grabbed two boxes, the regular, and the more extreme on that looked like something from Tron.

For those who don't know what high end men's dressing rooms are like, they are like the Bentley of personal space, nice carpeted floors, no random needles to step on or excess clothes draped everywhere. No mousy girls chatting away on their headphones to stock managers about their cheating boyfriends. No "are you ok in there!?". Just silence. Peace. And sometimes a tailor.

I stood in this massive room with a bazillion mirrors. Like a kid at Christmas I ripped open box of spanx and held it up. It was the high end one. It looked like a child's small. It stretched but it had some serious resistance. I saw this as a good sign. Shirtless, I pulled the shirt over my head, my head felt so thin. I took a minute to get my arms in it, it was impossible, but with the fitness of a contortionist I got it on. The verdict. It worked!

My love handles we're pulled in and my chest was flatter. I grabbed the first shirt and put it on with such ease. You don't know happiness until you slide on a British cut shirt, medium and dont look like an snake who ate a cow. I looked good. Damn good. Possibly good enough to take my girlfriend out to a fancy shmancy place later. I tried all the shirts on. They all fit. I was goin to buy them all. And my new friend, spanx ala Tron.

Then I hit a hiccup. How do I take this thing off? How. Do. I. Take. It. Off?!!
I pulled the bottom up, no luck. I tried to shimmy out of the arms, no luck. Maybe if I pull my head out first and my arms up... I was trapped in it like a Chinese finger trap. The more I pulled, the more it resisted. I began to panic. I thought to myself, relax, I'm smart. I have years of getting myself out of much worse situations. This is just spanx and I have all day to get free from the clutch of this fantastic product. Use physics, I need to shimmy and get ample leverage, with my own weight I could slide right out. I looked around, aha! Coat hooks!

I pulled one arm out to my forearm until it stopped, I used my other arm to pull the bottom up some. I waked forward and slipped the coat hook behind my neck and started to pull the short over my head. It was working, then ....it stopped working. The shirt wouldn't budge any more. I tried to reverse back, it wouldn't go. I looked into the mirror.

I was tangled in spanx, now stuck against a wall. I realized I might need some help.
Against my own sense of masculinity I needed another person to get me out of this compression top. I waited around till I heard footsteps outside.

"hello?" I casually called out.
"how are those button downs?" a voice responded.
Success it was the tailor.
I responded with a croaky voice, "they're great, love the cut. But I have gotten myself into a bit of trouble in here and wanted to know if you could help me out."
"sure thing" the man said opening the door.
He stood in the doorway or a minute trying to not laugh.
"I'm an idiot" I said to him.
He came over and got me off the wall and pulled the back over my head after some strong arming.
I was free. We both stood there out of breath.

"I'll take the lot of it." I bought two pairs of the spanx.

doug4018

This was a great story, thanks for sharing. Definitely funny.

I've not bought the spanx, because of the cost, but a british brand I like is Sub Sports, found it on Amazon.com. I do not have the body for compression obviously but as i've lost weight, and develped a bounce temporarily to certain parts, I decided I needed something to help at the gym. I wear them under my t shirt, which is hotter I know but that's the only way I know not to look ridiculous. I've tried three brands, sub sports, skin and undergear. Sub sports is the best IMO. The first time I put any of these on, I foolishly did it at the gym instead of home.

When I put it on the first time it somehow rolled up so everything was up under my arm pits so I was trying to get it rolled down over my abdomen. I finally did it, but not without looking like a moron. I don't have trouble taking them off, they are kind of like popping a rubber band, one they get going they almost fly off, so I am very curious about Spanx now. Maybe I just need to break down and try it.

Thanks again for the story, very humorous!

elenathegreat

I love you for posting this...thought only us ladies had to deal with this kind of situation. Enjoy your "foundation garments":drinker: