Scared

ctown7189

.I'm so embarrassed about how bad I let myself go over the past 10 years. I have such an addiction to junk food and eating out of boredom that I've put myself at such an unhealthy weight of 275. Yes that is pounds. I almost never admit my weight and if anyone wants to know, I let them guess and but I'd never be honest about it. 275 is the brutally honest up to date as of tonight weighing of myself.

I've always been self conscious about my weight but never committed to changing my life style 100%. Sure I would get motivated temporarily and try the whole diet and work out a few times. Till my stomach would beg for food and my brain would convince me that eating a family size bag of chips a whole box of mac and cheese or an entire pot of mashed potatoes was the way to go. I'm simply a carb queen who wants to have her cake and eat it too. (figuratively speaking...kinda) It wasn't till my boyfriend, Zack, decided he had gained too much weight and wanted to start working out that I decided that if losing weight was important enough to me, then this was the best time to start so we could do it together.

I decided this week I would start weight training 3 times a week for 30 minutes and started counting my calories and gave myself a limit of 1890 a day. I know calorie counting isn't the way to go because you then you focus too much on that and not enough on what you are really putting into your body. But for me, I need the hard discipline. I have to be able to see and break down exactly whats going into my body and whats coming out in exercise. It's not so easy just looking at a box of whatever and keeping mental notes (for me any how). So I put myself at 1890 calories a day and eating all healthy food. Nothing greasy, no fast food and no chips. I thought at first this was going to be difficult and I was going to feel famished like every other time I tried to cut back on food portions, it's actually been great! Granted I'm only going on to the third day but I've eaten less that my allowance is and I'm not talking about a couple calories under, I'm talking about at least 500 under. And I'm even motivated to work out to gain those extra negative calories for the day.

But then I got to thinking. My current weight is 275 and my goal weight is 160. My routine is set up to where I should lose 1 lb a week so, I got to thinking. I need to lose 115lbs. There are 4 weeks in a month, so that is 4 pounds a month. 12 months in a year, that is 48 pounds in one year which if I lose that 4 pounds a month, in 12 months I will be 227. and in another 12 months I will be at 179. So If I keep at this life style change, I wont be to where I dream to be for 29 months, granted there is no weight gain at all.

Thinking about that really got me down. I want to be able to wear cute clothes that fit me. Honestly, I want to dress skanky! I want to be able to wear mini skirts and bikinis and lingerie and feel sexy and beautiful. I want to wear this stuff while I'm still young and get to enjoy it before I'm this middle aged woman trying to dress younger, I downed my daily calories and upped my exercise time in hopes that I can lose 2 lbs a week. What gets me down more about this is that I'm even more afraid of losing my motivation and relapsing. I need rehab for food! I need to be on The Biggest Loser. This is a complete life style change for me and I'm afraid my need to change wont stick around for life. It's too easy to fall back into bad habits and I'm the biggest offender for doing so. I'm hoping this all gets easier over time and I hope I don't push myself too hard. My goals is not only to lose 115 lbs, but to learn self control over my food addiction, to accept and enjoy healthier food, to look good in the clothes I wear, be able to ride roller coasters again, feel good about myself and make everyone who cares and has faith in me proud.

I'm generally a determined person. Once I set my mind to doing something, I'll do whatever it takes to get it done, except when it comes to my health.

This is going to be a long, hard road and I'm going to need all the support I can get to stay on track and hopefully be at my goal weight of 160.

bastgoddess7

You are overthinking it. You can do this! Just follow the guidlines provided by the MFP program and it will happen. Don't be scared. There is a whole community of people JUST LIKE YOU on this site.

babymine55

First off, congrats on taking the first steps. It's a harsh reality...numbers don't lie and, as we all know, the scale is not as forgiving as we would like it to be.

When I started, I was 370. It was mind crushing. It was all I could do not to curl up in a ball and give up. What worked for me, was that I couldn't look at the over all number. One goal at a time, one step at a time. Small victories...lead to larger triumphs.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

Best wishes to you on your journey, wherever it leads you and however long that journey is.

babymine55

You are overthinking it. You can do this! Just follow the guidlines provided by the MFP program and it will happen. Don't be scared. There is a whole community of people JUST LIKE YOU on this site.

YES!! YES!! YES!! Amen to that!!

maremare312

One day at a time? I just don't have the energy to worry about too far down the road.

Lmezz11

Congratulations on deciding to get healthy! After reading your post I have a couple of suggestions and words of advice (I'm not expert so you are more than welcome to ignore me). I think that you have made a huge commitment and that is great! I believe that you can stick to it. The amount of weight you want to lose always seems scary at first but after you see it start working, then it becomes easier. With the calorie counting- it actually is the way to go. It is important that you know what you are putting into your body and how it makes you feel. Word to the wise though, make sure you are looking at more than just the calories. Look at the macro nutrients as well. Personally, I like to manage my sodium and sugar as well (I have a really hard time with the sugar!) DRINK WATER!!! When you are making your goals, remember to keep them managable otherwise you are setting yourself up for failure. If you make small adjustments at first it is easier to stick to. Even though your MFP goal may be one lb a week, that does not mean it is all you are going to lose. For example, mine is currently at 0.4 lbs a week and I have lost a little over 2 lbs each week for the last two weeks. They are solely calculating calories in vs calories out. Weight training is great but I would recommend some cardio as well.
Don't think about how long it is going to take because in reality- you don't know. It is not a simple calculation. Not every week will be the same. Don't over think it. Just eat healthy and work out. Have a calorie deficit but still enjoy life. Most of all - DO NOT BE EMBARRASSED HERE! The people on this site are on different paths but all leading toward a healthy lifestyle. If you are serious about it then they will help you. Feel free to add me as a friend if you would like. I would be happy to answer any questions that I can and give you support! Best of luck to you!!

Edited for typo

rchiecuto

You are overthinking it. You can do this! Just follow the guidlines provided by the MFP program and it will happen. Don't be scared. There is a whole community of people JUST LIKE YOU on this site.

best ticker award: YOU!


nyan nyan nyan nyan

mywayroche

I used to believe that being sensitive was my greatest weakness. Ironically the pain and anguish that came from open eyes has taught me strength. Strength is a reaction, if you don't need it then you'll never have it. You've taken the first step, the decicion to admit weakness, now dust yourself off and start fighting.

Fozzi43

You have already made the biggest step by deciding to change your way of life..GOOD FOR YOU!!

Follow the advice on here, be honest when logging everything and drink lots of water..you can do this!!!

You can add me as a friend too :flowerforyou:

47Jacqueline

I used to believe that being sensitive was my greatest weakness. Ironically the pain and anguish that came from open eyes has taught me strength. Strength is a reaction, if you don't need it then you'll never have it. You've taken the first step, the decicion to admit weakness, now dust yourself off and start fighting.

MFP is a great place to be. Congratulations on finding it. Don't think about the end, Get involved in the process. It's hard, but not as hard as you are making it.

apocalypsepwnie

I used to believe that being sensitive was my greatest weakness. Ironically the pain and anguish that came from open eyes has taught me strength. Strength is a reaction, if you don't need it then you'll never have it. You've taken the first step, the decicion to admit weakness, now dust yourself off and start fighting.

This is exactly how I feel.
When I'm at my lowest I remind myself of all the things I have achieved in my life (not weightloss goals) and how I had to kick butt to get them.
I come out KABLAM!!! and noone can stop me.
As much as it hurts sometimes I have a 'waterboy' moment where I remember the things people say, their faces or things I think they will think if I fail. Too long I've believed them and I need to prove to MYSELF that they aren't true.

Even though it may not feel like it for so long you have done one of the hardest things. Getting on that scale and facing your reality.

Ralphrabbit

You can only do this one day at a time! It is too scary to think of how long it is going to take to sort out but then just how long did it take to create the problem?!?!? One day at a time & celebrate all you have done so far......

ctown7189

Thank you everyone for the encouragement. It's nice to hear that I can do it from others who are going through what I am.

SorchaRavenlock

I used to think that I was too big and it would take too long, I had failed before and that I couldn't do it, and I gave up before I even started. Looking back, if I would have started 2 years ago, I would have been done by now!

So even if you feel like it's such a long hard road ahead, just remind yourself that you'll have to lose weight eventually, and better now then later. Your future self will thank you for doing it now.

We're all on the same road here, we all struggle from time to time (I know I do) and we all just keep going anyway. You can do it too! Don't focus too much on the big goal in the end, but set yourself smaller goals. Like losing 10 pounds, fitting in a size smaller and so on. If you just tackle little goal after little goal, you'll get to your big goal eventually.

sicilysclover

Go you for admitting your weight! That's so brave! My advice - don't worry about the 160 number. I keep doing the same thing (i've only been on this for 6 days) - I want to wear a bikini like, tomorrow. But I will tell you this - every pound you lose you will feel better. In just 2 months 10 pounds will be gone. Thing of that in actual weights: 1 ten pound weight will be lifted off your body. The time will fly by. 160 is your goal but it doesnt mean you wont feel great working your way down every week!

emmab_73

I believe with all of my heart and soul that you can do this! You WILL reach your goal. We will all be here to support you, but the reason why I'm convinced is because of how determined you sound. You've caught whatever it is that kicks us in the *kitten* and gets us moving. Please add me as a friend, and we'll keep cheering each other along! Emma

carlageek

I just want to let you know that I also started at 275 pounds, and I lost weight at an average of a pound a week for more than two years - it slowed down considerably over the last year. I've been at this three years and I'm still not done with active weight loss - I would like to go a little further.

If I'd thought about it when I started, of COURSE I would have wanted to lose at a faster rate. But you know what? It turns out that losing at this rate has been just fine. First of all, it's sustainable and healthy, and more forgiving of the slip-ups that we all have. Secondly, you don't have to get all the way to your final goal to start looking and feeling a lot better than you do now.

Most of all, I've developed better patience and discipline than I ever had before. It's been a learning process. The thing to keep in mind is that the time will pass anyway whether you are losing weight or not - so why not spend it losing weight? You didn't put all the weight on in a year, so it's not reasonable to expect you can take it all off in a year either. Slow and steady is a great way to go. You can do this!

yroma

Good, great for you for putting yourself out there!! Admitting your weight isn't easy but it's necessary. You're right about this journey taking time, but you've got your whole life ahead of you to make some positive lifestyle changes. This is not a diet to get you down to the weight you want to be, it's a healthy way of living--physically and mentally. You will have successful days and bad days. Just like life... MFP is a wonderful place when you're having either of those days. Feel free to add me as a friend if you like. I try to be generally upbeat and positive and supportive. You've landed in a great place that can help you make these changes. Again, so good for you and congratulations on your starting your journey!!

steph1278

Don't think about the big picture. Set smaller goals for yourself like 10 or 20 pound increments. You have to really want it and be dedicated to put in the work that it's going to take. It is doable and so worth it. There will be times that you have larger losses and sometimes smaller. You might even plateau, but in the end, you will be much better off than where you started if you stick with it. Good luck!

yoovie

Do you believe you deserve to succeed? Or will you perpetually punish yourself by purposefully not sticking to it?

RoseAsRose

bump to read when i need patience in this journey