Weight Loss & Depression
deetroitwhat
Posts: 7
Hi. I have so much to say, bear with me. I never told anyone most of this before, but I am desperate for help.
Growing up, I was never fat & very physical participating in about every sport you can imagine. My mother was anorexic, and she continues to be until this very day (I am now 30). During my high school physical, I weighed 111 lbs & I was/am 5 ft 6 in. The doctor made a comment to my mother that she should "watch my weight." Saying this to an anorexic woman pretty much doomed me. She happened to work in the lunch room at my middle school as well at the time (so she monitored what I ate there, too). I was cut off from a lot of food... cookies, cake, cokes (I still cannot drink regular coke til this day because of this (which is probably good, but still)) anything that was "fattening." I ran up and down the stairs in our house. To get my fix on sugary treats, when I would spend the night at friends' houses, I would eat a whole tray of cookies (mmm!). My mother called me names like "fat pig."
I entered 9th grade at 98lbs. My first year, I tried out for a very competitive, physical dance team - and I made it. My whole 4 years of high school was dedicated to this team. We had about 2 months off out of the year since during the summer we went to camps dedicated to the sport. Practice was 2 hours every night & four hours on Saturday (sometimes 5) if there was an upcoming competition. I also lettered in track 1 year (doing both sports was hard) and also joined the bowling team my senior year.
Needless to say, I could eat anything I wanted. My mom moved out without a word when I was 16. I graduated at approximately 135 lbs.
Due to family stress at home with my father, I ended up finding my mother & living with her. She was a hot mess. She did drugs in front of me & it was ugly. After about a year, I knew I had to do something. At this time, I did not have an issue with food at all - overeating/binging etc. Since my Dad said he would not pay for college since I moved out, and my mother was in no condition to pay for it, I joined the Air Force.
When I weighed in right before leaving for boot camp, I weighed 138 & was a regular size 8 street clothes. It's weird to imagine, but I was very thin for a size 8 -- it's just these hips I was born with lol. Basic training was 6 weeks long. I thought it was very easy considering my dance training & age though it was EXTREMELY physically demanding. Imagine my surprise when at the end of camp I GAINED weight. I was 155 lbs. I think the training was a lot different than dancing so I know I gained a lot of my muscle -- also they made you eat 3 times a day & watched you -- I was not accustomed to eating that much. Still, all the clothes I had before leaving fit the same as when I left basic training. I looked physically the same as the day I left.
I left home in May of 2001, and got to my first duty station September 10, 2001. As a young kid, you can imagine my shock and dismay in the coming days. I was terrified. But, I was also free for the first time. I was out on my own, I could eat my own food without supervision or comments. I had money. A lot of time in the dorms was spent partying. I drank a lot of beer & tequila lol. About a year in I weighed 165 & I was a size 10. I would lose/gain weight over time but always hovered around this mark, but did not feel fat. (The one time I saw my mother after going home she said that I looked "disgusting & fat" my face had also broken out from the change in states -- it was an extreme transition.)
I was very depressed in the military. I drank a lot, and I was unhappy. It was the first time I had ever made myself throw up. It had to do with my weight, but also more to do with my extreme anxiety. When I got out I stayed with my boyfriend & he turned out to be a hot mess & the relationship was physically abusive. During this time I barely went out & rarely drank because I was much happier with my job/school life. After I left him... I was sad. I knew it was for the best, but it just sucked so bad. I moved in with a girlfriend & we would party on the weekends. Eventually I met my husband & he was great, I just loved him to pieces.
I probably weighed 170 when we started dating... & 2 years later *kitten* hit the fan. I was trying very hard to graduate college, his dad had a heart attack, his 33 year old BIL was diagnosed with cancer & my dad was going through his 2nd divorce & thought he might lose his house (my husband is from the same state as me, but moved to be with me after we were serious). We made the decision to move back home, I had been gone 11 years by this time. Somewhere around this time, I developed a relationship with food I had never had before. I don't know if it was because I was happy with my husband or what, but soon it became an obsession. Binge eating. Throwing up. My whole day focused on the foods I was eating or the food I would be eating later that day. Luckily I still exercised about 4 times a week, but still, I gained another 10 lbs. I was still depressed about things going on back home & because I loved the company I worked for so much (7 years) and my adult life had been spent there, I was depressed about going back all my friends would be gone. I began drinking again more than normal to cope, and I also entered counseling.
And then we moved at the beginning of this year (March).
I now weigh 200lbs. And I really just don't know how in this span of a year I became so obsessed with food. I have purged a couple of times since being here. I just woke up one day and I was like this is not me, this is not my body, it's not who I AM. But I have this horrible problem, I feel like I am addicted to food. I have ZERO motivation to lose weight. The only thing motivating is that I literally HATE myself and feel like a fat, disgusting pig like my mother told me I was. I try to think about things I could by after losing 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, lbs...but when I think of it I just do not care. I hate myself so much it has killed my sexual relationship with my husband (who, by the way, still tells me he thinks I am beautiful every day).
Exercise is not my problem as you can see. It's my relationship with food & it never dawned on me that it could be from when I was a child.
I want out of this cycle so badly, but part of it feels like I am just not worth it. And I was meant to be a disgusting pig just like my mother said I was. Although I am desperate to lose the weight, I feel so depressed I literally have zero motivation to do it. When I think of myself skinny, I feel nothing.
Anyways, I just had to get this off my chest. I need to do something... I am about to start graduate school and I cannot let the scale budge any further in the direction it's going.
Thank you for listening.
Growing up, I was never fat & very physical participating in about every sport you can imagine. My mother was anorexic, and she continues to be until this very day (I am now 30). During my high school physical, I weighed 111 lbs & I was/am 5 ft 6 in. The doctor made a comment to my mother that she should "watch my weight." Saying this to an anorexic woman pretty much doomed me. She happened to work in the lunch room at my middle school as well at the time (so she monitored what I ate there, too). I was cut off from a lot of food... cookies, cake, cokes (I still cannot drink regular coke til this day because of this (which is probably good, but still)) anything that was "fattening." I ran up and down the stairs in our house. To get my fix on sugary treats, when I would spend the night at friends' houses, I would eat a whole tray of cookies (mmm!). My mother called me names like "fat pig."
I entered 9th grade at 98lbs. My first year, I tried out for a very competitive, physical dance team - and I made it. My whole 4 years of high school was dedicated to this team. We had about 2 months off out of the year since during the summer we went to camps dedicated to the sport. Practice was 2 hours every night & four hours on Saturday (sometimes 5) if there was an upcoming competition. I also lettered in track 1 year (doing both sports was hard) and also joined the bowling team my senior year.
Needless to say, I could eat anything I wanted. My mom moved out without a word when I was 16. I graduated at approximately 135 lbs.
Due to family stress at home with my father, I ended up finding my mother & living with her. She was a hot mess. She did drugs in front of me & it was ugly. After about a year, I knew I had to do something. At this time, I did not have an issue with food at all - overeating/binging etc. Since my Dad said he would not pay for college since I moved out, and my mother was in no condition to pay for it, I joined the Air Force.
When I weighed in right before leaving for boot camp, I weighed 138 & was a regular size 8 street clothes. It's weird to imagine, but I was very thin for a size 8 -- it's just these hips I was born with lol. Basic training was 6 weeks long. I thought it was very easy considering my dance training & age though it was EXTREMELY physically demanding. Imagine my surprise when at the end of camp I GAINED weight. I was 155 lbs. I think the training was a lot different than dancing so I know I gained a lot of my muscle -- also they made you eat 3 times a day & watched you -- I was not accustomed to eating that much. Still, all the clothes I had before leaving fit the same as when I left basic training. I looked physically the same as the day I left.
I left home in May of 2001, and got to my first duty station September 10, 2001. As a young kid, you can imagine my shock and dismay in the coming days. I was terrified. But, I was also free for the first time. I was out on my own, I could eat my own food without supervision or comments. I had money. A lot of time in the dorms was spent partying. I drank a lot of beer & tequila lol. About a year in I weighed 165 & I was a size 10. I would lose/gain weight over time but always hovered around this mark, but did not feel fat. (The one time I saw my mother after going home she said that I looked "disgusting & fat" my face had also broken out from the change in states -- it was an extreme transition.)
I was very depressed in the military. I drank a lot, and I was unhappy. It was the first time I had ever made myself throw up. It had to do with my weight, but also more to do with my extreme anxiety. When I got out I stayed with my boyfriend & he turned out to be a hot mess & the relationship was physically abusive. During this time I barely went out & rarely drank because I was much happier with my job/school life. After I left him... I was sad. I knew it was for the best, but it just sucked so bad. I moved in with a girlfriend & we would party on the weekends. Eventually I met my husband & he was great, I just loved him to pieces.
I probably weighed 170 when we started dating... & 2 years later *kitten* hit the fan. I was trying very hard to graduate college, his dad had a heart attack, his 33 year old BIL was diagnosed with cancer & my dad was going through his 2nd divorce & thought he might lose his house (my husband is from the same state as me, but moved to be with me after we were serious). We made the decision to move back home, I had been gone 11 years by this time. Somewhere around this time, I developed a relationship with food I had never had before. I don't know if it was because I was happy with my husband or what, but soon it became an obsession. Binge eating. Throwing up. My whole day focused on the foods I was eating or the food I would be eating later that day. Luckily I still exercised about 4 times a week, but still, I gained another 10 lbs. I was still depressed about things going on back home & because I loved the company I worked for so much (7 years) and my adult life had been spent there, I was depressed about going back all my friends would be gone. I began drinking again more than normal to cope, and I also entered counseling.
And then we moved at the beginning of this year (March).
I now weigh 200lbs. And I really just don't know how in this span of a year I became so obsessed with food. I have purged a couple of times since being here. I just woke up one day and I was like this is not me, this is not my body, it's not who I AM. But I have this horrible problem, I feel like I am addicted to food. I have ZERO motivation to lose weight. The only thing motivating is that I literally HATE myself and feel like a fat, disgusting pig like my mother told me I was. I try to think about things I could by after losing 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, lbs...but when I think of it I just do not care. I hate myself so much it has killed my sexual relationship with my husband (who, by the way, still tells me he thinks I am beautiful every day).
Exercise is not my problem as you can see. It's my relationship with food & it never dawned on me that it could be from when I was a child.
I want out of this cycle so badly, but part of it feels like I am just not worth it. And I was meant to be a disgusting pig just like my mother said I was. Although I am desperate to lose the weight, I feel so depressed I literally have zero motivation to do it. When I think of myself skinny, I feel nothing.
Anyways, I just had to get this off my chest. I need to do something... I am about to start graduate school and I cannot let the scale budge any further in the direction it's going.
Thank you for listening.
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Replies
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You're story is so touching you've been through alot, I've suffered through depression, it's hard and even harder to tackle losing weight at the same time as you're constantly scrutinising yourself and don't see any change even if you lose weight. My biggest piece of advice would be to see if you could speak to someone who specialises in depression and eating disorders, that will help alot. Also regular exercise may help with the depression and also ease the binge purge impulse, also also don't set your calories too low if you try and deprive yourself on a 1200 cal diet you'll be more tempted to crack and binge, take it easy at first especially whilst dealing with depression and remember 1 pound a week of loss is a manageable ammount I know it sucks not to drop 5 pounds a week when you try so hard but it'll all add up in the end, take it easy and good luck. x0
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I'm so sorry for all the &&*(%^ you have been through. Heck, just the added stress can make you pile on the pounds independent of overeating. Get some help and don't be ashamed. And, honestly, put your efforts into that, not weight loss right now. A happier, more secure you will be prepared for the hard work.0
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Please seek help immediately!!! You really need a professional to help you work through these issues! With proper treatment you CAN AND WILL have a happy healthy life!!!! Does your husband know you are bulimic? He sounds supportive and your relationship sounds strong....I would open up to him. Your priority is your health...physical and mental well being, make an appointment with a Doctor TODAY! I would put grad school on hold if need be...there is no need to pile stress on top of stress, give yourself a break.
As far as you mother referring to you as a fat pig. You sound like an intelligent person...in your head you know she's so wrong in doing this and that she obviously suffers from mental illness. Don't let your emotions rule you, the past is the past, she was a bad mother, let it go.
Also I'm sure there are groups on here with recovering bulimics...please reach out to them. There are also some excellent books on the subject. If anyone knows of some good reads...please post some suggestions to the OP.
The fact that you can be honest about your issues (for lack of a better word), be open about it....is a step in the right direction. It may seem overwhelming now but there is help and people do recover and go on to happy healthy lives!!!! Best wishes :flowerforyou:0 -
Yes my husband knows, I have told him before, but at this time I think he thinks I stopped. He is very worried about managing my stress.
School has never been a stress factor for me, I actually enjoy it & have missed it. I got into a top 2 school for my field. My undergrad GPA was a 3.805 during everything else that happened. I do not want to not go.
I do miss counseling... but I was also unemployed until June (so yeah, March to June sitting at home depressed about leaving was not good for me) & do not qualify for medical insurance until October 1. I will attend counseling again, it's just not feasible right now.
I just want to get my head right. I've been on pills & seen professionals (they knew about my bulimia). But it's something inside of me that I don't think those two things can fix. It has to be me.
I don't know how to find motivation anymore. I'm just not seeing it... Hopefully I will soon.0 -
I still would do a search on these forums under groups to find people who have been in the same situation as you. Talking to people who have overcome this illness will help!
Talk to your husband again....keep those lines of communication open.
Surround yourself with positive people......avoid the negative ones (Mom)
:flowerforyou:0 -
Check out some support groups in your area. A lot of weight loss groups are free and offer a lot of support. Hopefully you find the help you need. Continue to reach out to your MF pals when you can. It helps me get motivated. I went to a class last night and she said weight loss is almost 100% mental. Once we are able to get out of our own heads we do better.0
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Oh and if I ever really need to get my motivation revved up I always go read the success stories on here! Amazing body and life transformations!!! It can be done!!0
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The eating is a symptom, not the problem. You said it a couple of times - you hate yourself. But why should you hate yourself? You seem to be a good person who has dealt with a series of difficult situations in your life while trying to better yourself all the way. From all indications, you married a good man, so why all this self hate?
Maybe it's time to realize what a wonderful person you are. Maybe it's time you really start to love yourself for all the good in you and all the good people around you. You didn't cause your mother's problems and you certainly didn't cause their divorce.
My suggestion is that a good place to start is by stopping the drinking. It's not doing you any good psychologically and it certainly is not helping your weight. Then tell your husband that you joined this site and that you are commited to getting yourself back to a good point.
After that, take it a day at a time. You certainly CAN do it. We all know that you can.0 -
Honey I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I agree with previous posters. PLEASE find help. There is nothing wrong with seeking help.
Also THANK YOU for serving our country. Hugs.0 -
Aww. I think what you need right now is to focus on getting healthy mentally before you focus on your weight. I would recommend seeing a counselor not to figure out where the motivation went, but to get to the root of the stress factor in your life. Ignore the food problem for now - that's for after you stabilze your mental state. I wish you the best of luck
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First of all you are NOT a fat pig. You are a strong woman who has been through soo much in your lifetime. What you need to do is focus on yourself right now mentally. Seek counseling. Get your mind right. What you have been through is not your fault and I applaud you for sharing your story. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband who supports you. You two can go together. Dont worry about yourweight right now. Everything will fall into place for you. I wish you the best and feel free to add me as a friend!0
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Thank you for all of the comments, I never realized that my story was... well bad. That's just the way my life was. I guess when you live that way, it doesn't really dawn on you that it is not normal.
When I get insurance again, I will definitely go back to counseling. I am not adverse to it -- I actually really enjoyed it.
As for my mother... I have seen her 2 times in 12 years since I left. We do not have a relationship at all. In essence, I do not have a mother. I actually am not close with anyone in my family except my dad -- not that I dislike my family member's on my dad's side. It's just I have been gone so long on my own in my adulthood that I have not spent a lot of time with anyone.
My husband, yes, you are all right. I always said he was the one good thing that I have. He is incredibly amazing & supportive. He would do anything for me and I know that... I try not to use it to my advantage though, you know.
I feel so overwhelmed because I do not know what the step in the right direction is... where to start, where to go. Another problem is that I have no friends here. My best friends that I grew up with here also moved to other states. It's weird being alone while you live at "home".
To the poster who said something about quitting drinking: I am aware of that. I have had drinks 1x this past month... I started to take my Wellbutrin again so I really do not feel like drinking.
I don't know what I will end up ultimately doing. I thought about going to Weight Watchers in person to have a support group actually with me... but you guys have been wonderful.
I will check back soon.0 -
You are very, very brave to share this with us. As somebody who suffers with clinical depression and anxiety, this is helpful for me also. Big hugs 0
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So my husband and I decided to go to Mexico in January. The only big vacation we've taken was when we married (we eloped) & it was 3 days to New Orleans. He turns 30 in January, it'll be cold as ever here, and he thought it might help give me some motivation.
I actually feel a little excited... and it's approx 4 1/2 months away, so that is plenty of time for me to lose some weight in a healthy way.
Again, thank you for all of the kind words. I will definitely be around to post my progress.0
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