Yesterday was the worst day of my life..

xoalyssaox

I am going through a divorce. My husband, who has been verbally, mentally, and a few times physically abusive for the past 3 years, told me he still loves me, that he is sorry and wants to go to counseling and try to work things out.

I have been BEGGING him to go to counseling for 2 years and he always said no. He never wanted to change, he treated me like crap. Even yesterday, before he told me he wanted to work it out, he said I was fat and ugly.. Why would I want to be with someone who thinks I am fat and ugly?

SO I don't know why, but I still love him very much. But I told him NO. I told him I gave him so many chances before to work it out. I told him I still love him, but I can no longer put myself in that situation to be treated badly..SO I cannot get back with him or go to counseling.

I am a very emotional eater, but for the first time in my life, I didn't give in. Instead of eating I went to the gym and worked my frustration out... I am so proud of myself. But at the same time I cannot stop crying. I am afraid I made the wrong decision and that he may have actually changed? But I don't know abusers never really change, do they?

marci_r2010

He has not changed. He has not changed. Keep telling yourself that. This is classic stuff of an abuser.. pull out the "I'll change" card when absolutely forced. Please, please seek counseling on your own to manage your way through this. I have BTDT and I will say to you that you are STRONG. Fighting the urge to eat during a time of that level of stress is an enormous accomplishment.. when I am feeling like I might cave in, I start saying to myself, sometimes out loud.."hey, I'm the boss around here." And I mean it. You are the boss, not him, not the urge to overeat.

The reality is that sometimes abusers do change, but NOT on their own. Period. Tell him to go get himself completely repaired and then present himself ready to be in a relationship again. You can do it!

Hug!
Marci

83Molly

First of all congratulations on your response to your hard day. I think you have proved to yourself that people can change, as you have made changes. I think it is important to remember why you made the changes you did and how...my guess is that they were based on your own will and want and not based on anyone else.
The cycle of abuse is very complex. I would suggest that if this man is serious about making changes in his life and working towards being a healthy partner, that is a journey he needs to start off on his own and work on on his own stuff. If he can demonstrate to you that he is commited to change through his actions, not simply his words, then couple's counselling may be a viable option for you down the road at some point.
It sounds like you are really finding your own footing as an individual, often people (especially those that like control) don't like that and feel threatened by that...that's not your issue to deal with, it's theirs.
In my opinion, someone that is calling you "fat and ugly" moments before they are telling you they love you and want you back is simply grasping at straws to control and manipulate you using various tactics. Sounds like this man has some work ahead of him.

gnastro

Abusers don't ever change. If he truly loved you he would respect you. Physical abuse just gets worse with time. He seems to be very controlling.I am a nurse and have seen first hand how abuse can get out of control. My dad use to be verbally & mentally abusive to my mom. He just became worse every year they were married. I am lucky I have been married 20 years & my husband has NEVER ever disrespected me. I hope this helps you.You may want to speak to a counselor to helps you get through this rough period in your life.

Gina

jenners22

I was four when my father finally left my abusive father, but i have vivid memories of the beatings he would give her. The memories didn't surface until I found out I was pregnant. My mother was so shocked I had any memory at all of them. She thought "she'd gotten me out of there soon enough". My mother had reconstructive surgery done to fix some of the damage from the beatings.

Don't ever go back. Even if he's got written proof from a doctor that he's better, don't go back.

robynrae_1

Great Job, you stood up for yourself when you told him no. Someone who truley loved you would NEVER tell you how "fat and Ugly" you are. His is trying to push your buttons, he knows where they are, and uses them for his advantage. Don't let him, YOU deserve better.
Also great job on going to the gym and working out your feelings.

I am proud of you.

CinthyNair

Hon,

I know exactly how you feel. Growing up, my self esteem was broken due to verbal abuses from loved ones. Imagine, as a child and a teenager, all I heard wat "big buffalo" ... I still carry the scars of those abuse.

I am now married to a wonderful man, who never sees my bulk. Instead, he encourages me to work out and eat well to stay healthy.

So, just move forward. The past may haunt you, but it should not stop you from moving on. Presevere, and remember, YOU ARE WORTH IT

P/S: BTW, your soon to be ex-husband must be blind, coz YOU ARE GORGEOUS

epappas09

Congratulations! way to start a new habit of working out rather than succumbing to food. now that your on the track of new habits--keep it up and get that man out of your life!!!!!! You finally took a stand in your life with your health...but that is not just physical, its also mental...and it seems to me that your ex is not helping your mental mindset, but only bringing it down.

ali258

Please don't doubt your decision. Even if your ex intends to change and he really means it, he needs to work on himself in therapy - this sounds like it's more than just a relationship problem. I agree with Marci that you also need to seek out someone to talk to about the past abuse you've had to live with. With help, you can learn to spot the signs and patterns abusers use and not get caught up in your ex's (or anyone else's!) cycle of abuse and apology.

Any time you start to think you've made a mistake, just think about your son. Do you want you son seeing how your ex acts and using that behavior as a role model for his own future? Your son is so lucky to have you as a strong mom who will get out of a bad situation before it gets worse.

Also, what a fantastic job of not turning to food on such a stressful day. You are definitely very strong, even if you don't see it yet. For you and your son, stay strong, and don't believe your ex's lies and apologies. There is someone else out there for you who is kind and respectful and who won't put you through all of this emotional crap.

You are worth it.

-Alison

rtmama

Yay! congrats on making the right decision by going to the gym, instead of eating. REMEMBER that proud feeling and use it to fight off temptation when you have the same decision to make in the future!

As for your DH changing, I agree with the others. Someone who loves you isn't going to call you fat and ugly, they are going to love you no matter what size or shape you are. They love you unconditionally.

And crying is okay...it's a good release. We ALL need to have a good cry every so often to cleanse the body!

Keep up the good work!

moujie

Here's what I think: Let's say you were fat & ugly (which by the way, your pic shows you are NOT) but let's say you were. wouldn't you want a partner that would look past that? see your inner beauty? love you enough to encourage you no matter what? and want the best for you? Abusers do it because it makes them feel more powerful - If I push you down I feel strong. Then it's an easy step to, if I push you down and stand on you I feel really strong! so abuse, be it verbal OR physical, will only escalate. You are incredibly strong for sticking to your guns. I say you deserve to be treated well no matter what you look like, no matter how large you get. But that's my opinion...you have to be the one who believes that. You have to know that by virtue of the fact that you are a human being and a decent person you deserve to be treated well and respected. If you can get to that point where you say to yourself, "hell yeah I'm worth it" then it will happen for you (and by "it" I mean both losing weight AND having someone in your life who adores you).

Good luck, be strong & know that you have friends on MFP who support you!

moujie

oh and one more thing:

you have a son? do you realize that you are giving a gift to that child by divorcing his father? the gift is that he will grow up and NOT learn to abuse to make himself feel better/more confident/etc. AND that he will learn, by your example, to respect himself and not let anyone else abuse him!

MichelleWagner50

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on working out your frustrations at the gym instead of eating!!
Second, he probably has not changed and you ARE making the right decision! Of course you are sad that your marriage is over. You have loved him for a long time and it is hard to stop.
Keep talking to friends and taking care of yourself!! God Bless!!:flowerforyou:

havingitall

It sounds like you have gone through a very rough time and your self esteem is severely lacking. You have finally found the strength to say enough. You have said enough to the abuse and to the emotional eating.

Both of those take incredible strength and you know you have it now. Do not go back to that man(?) he will need years of work on himself before he truly changes.

I weighed 340 lbs and my husband never once made a comment on my weight. He does comment now that I have lost weight and says how great I look.

Read the bible ..under Corinthians....
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres

If he truly loves you... that is what love is

BetterVersion

I think the fact that he started off his apology with insults should firmly reassure you that you are making the right decision. I watched my step father beat the hell out of my mother- and I mean beatings she's lucky didn't kill her- for a decade. She finally ran from him and for years had nothing to do with him. Then they got back together, and yea, he had "changed." He had stopped beating her. But that didn't help anything else about their relationship. We were all just as miserable as we ever were.

If you have kids together, then he needs to get help regardless of whatever your relationship is going to be. If you don't have kids, get rid of him for good. I can imagine how miserable it will be at first, but just think, time will heal that pain, and then you'll be able to move on with your life. If you stay with him, then that pain is going to become permanent, as you'll continue to constantly cycle through these situations.

agarlits

I'm sorry to hear about your situation it is really very sad and its upsetting that anyone would have to go through that. I can tell you from an honest standpoint thoguh that you are very far from being fat and ugly. I know its hard to feel good about yourself when you have people that tear down on you like that and when your an emotional eater you just feel worse about your body when stuff like that happenes. I'm glad you overcame and moved on, your on your way to where you want to be and I know that nothing can stop you if you put your mind to this. Good luck, we're all here if you need to vent :happy:

CasperO

"""Often times young boys were sent from the village in search of a vision. This was the case of one particular young native boy.

He started to go up to the top of a mountain in search of his vision. And as he climbed up the mountain, the air got cooler and cooler. And he came upon a snake laying in the path. The snake was shivering, and said to the boy. "Please help me. I can't move, I am so cold that I can no longer make it any further down the mountain."

The boy said to the snake "No way! You're a snake, if I pick you up, you'll bite me!" The snake replied. "No, no I won't, I promise I won't bite you if you'll only pick me up and help get me down the mountain."

So the young boy picked up the snake, put him in his shirt, and continued climbing to the top of the mountain in search of his vision. When he got back down to the bottom of the mountain, he reached in, took out the snake, and the snake bit the young boy.

The boy replied to the snake "Hey! You bit me, you said that if I'd help you out, that you wouldn't bite me!"

You knew what I was when you picked me up..."""


You know what to do, and you're off to a great start.

LittleEva44

Have him go to counseling by himself while you, also go to counseling by yourself. See how far he's willing to "change" by going to counseling. And the same goes for you, too. You need therapy as much as he does to determine "why" you use food as a "comfort" and why you take physical and mental abuse from "men" (I'm sure you have had others in the past).

THEN after a year the therapist will combine you two together for "couple's counseling". Your ESTRANGED husband will be there for you in the long run. Sometimes men need a good swift kick in the butt (divorce) for them to FINALLY want to change. Fine; have him go to counseling. If he doesn't complete his year's counseling THEN you can throw in the towel.

In the mean time, continue to work out at the gym. Lose the weight for your health, your mind, your body, and your soul. Don't do it for him, for your family, your friends, etc., do it for YOURSELF! Put your foot down and decide to put yourself #1 on the list NOW! It's time to take care of YOU!

Blessings and good luck! :flowerforyou:

Eva

PureAndHealthy

I didn't read all the posts, but, having personal experience with this type of situation let me say this... him even GENUINELY wanting to change is not enough. He has habits and patterns of response and maybe even psychological disorders to solve that he MUST do on his own. If you love him, you'll encourage him to seek help on his own realizing that he's going to ruin his own life treating people like that. If you don't love him, I suppose you can run and never look back and leave him to deal with his mess.

Maybe there's something like bi-polar going on that, if treated with medication and the marriage allowed to heal in counseling, could be taken care of and real change could happen. Or maybe he's just a jerk. If he actually takes steps on his own to find out what's wrong with him and change himself AND you can have an open dialogue with his counselors/psychiatrist, you could evaluate if there were hope to have a good marriage with this man. But, as things stand, you aren't helping him, yourself, your kids, or anyone by going back to him. And even if he were to get into a program, get on medication, or whatever, he absolutely by no means should be using that to get you to come home. You should ONLY go back if his counselors feel he's made real progress and that your home is safe AND you feel completely comfortable that it's going to be a safe place.

If he is not willing to do these things on his own and deal with his issues... there's nothing else you can do for him. You have to make plans for a new life and reach out to and accept help from friends and family as you build that new life. He will not change without outside help.... no matter what he says. Something is very wrong with him that he would act like that, and you will not enable him any more. I hope he gets help and I hope you both can be healthy and happy and have the life God wants you to have! John 10:10 :flowerforyou:

angievan26

I would definantly say you made the right choice. People like that often put on a show to make it look like they have changed, but he showed you yesterday by calling you fat and ugly that he has not. I am happy to see you have stayed stronge through this and hopefully you will continue to do the same. I know how hard it is to not eat when you are emotional and I still have times where I give in. Just work on everything day by day and you will succeed.